Out and not happy

[Lalada]

I'm really not. I find my relationships with others, especially my parents, becoming really strained. I find myself keep thinking about what I need to make my life better, and I can really say that this slide downwards really began with my moving out into an apartment, and the first night there was when I really came out.

Since then, maybe because I all sudden was out of my house, and now feel this added strain, this added barrier between me and my parents, and my want for privacy and independence doesn't help it any. They feel like I've been trying to completely cut them off.

Now whenever I talk to them, I just feel so... strained. I'm not a person that can express themselves easily, yet I have no problem helping friends with their emotional issues, they praise me for it. But when it comes to me, I just want to curl and die when I don't want to destroy everything in sight.

I've battled depression before, but 3 years ago it altogether faded to nothing. I haven't felt this conflicted and hurt and so torn up since then till now. And I hate it, and then I hate myself when I'm not hating everyone else.

And it doesn't help that I get paranoid about my friends, like when all is said and done, they can somehow get on without me, and I wonder if maybe this absence of reciprocation is because of my own hesitance to express myself.

I am normally in total control, but these past few weeks, or last couple months have been so up and down, and the tears I saw in my mom's eyes when I spoke to her last have all caught up to me right now. I ask for any kind of advice, before... I don't know, counseling, a real sit-down with both my parents, or what?

I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say, I don't normally get emotional like this.

 

[benlemieux2003]

Heya dude. I can relate. Being out generally helps, but it doesn't mean things will be 100% great all the time.

With parents I find it very hard to talk about homosexuality. I'm out to them, but I personally never do bring it up unless they do, and even then I keep it minimal. Parents have a huge emotional investment in you and I found most of the time their "support" is more of a burden than anything.

I say your best bet is to talk to your friends. I once felt as you did - if most of your pals are straight guys - that you feel inferior and that you're the odd one out. It's really not the case believe me. I'd suggest talking to your closest ones, or your BEST friend. Tell him you wanna hang out and that you need to talk to someone you trust. Go have a few drinks together, crash at his place or something.

They'll be grateful you trusted them with that, and you'll be grateful you talked about it. That's one step in the right direction.

Best of luck pal.

 

[lightkeeper483]

im in counseling right now for the same thing,its not easy with my ex's death anniversary coming up in a few weeks

 

[Lalada]

Support being more of a burden rings really true actually. I do the same as you do when it comes to talking about "it" or "my dibillitating condition" (jk, I find it funny).

Thing is, I have friends that would call me a "best friend", one who can trust me with anything and I give my unbiased opinion to. I don't know who I could call a best friend, I guess I do have one, but I don't talk about myself that much. I get this irk that I'm either self-aggrandizing or just moping and bringing others down with me.

Yet I have no problem saying I'm pissed off... funny that. Thanks though.

 

[Horschallen]

Family counseling might be good.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Lalada, there's a lot going on right now--all of it stressful. Go easy on yourself and give yourself time to make some major adjustments.

The two things that unglued your world was moving and coming out--and you managed to do both in the same day! Everyone's world was shaken up a bit by those two events--the routines, ruts, and sense of order was disturbed.

Things will calm down and you'll all adjust to the new order and the strain you're feeling now will probably evaporate in time. If not, don't push it under the rug and pretend strain doesn't exist--confront it and work/talk it out with whomever you're feeling strained with. But, that awkwardness may not be necessary. Give yourself, and others, a chance to digest your coming out and moving out. It's a big deal--on both counts--and you're likely not going to feel great about either thing immediately. A year from now, though, you'll feel completely differently.

Hang in there! Keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.

 

[Lalada]

I'd have to thank you guys for your comments, as I was writing the first post I was in a bit of an emotional panic, but I'm fine now.

I didn't realize till now that I did just do two both very "big" things in one day. I'll try and make things better with my parents, I'll reach out or something I guess to some friends I feel I can confide in, but I think most importantly, I'll break up my routine a bit, and accomodate others more into my life.

Thanks a bunch,

EDIT:

One more thing: you are not alone, don't think you are.

One of the most important things I learned.


Second EDIT:
I don't quite remember why but it says my age is something it ain't. So to clear it up, I'm 18, and still in High School. My parents love and accept me, and the place I moved into is not far away at all. I think they feel that I am phasing them out of my life....

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, it IS unusual for high schoolers to move out of their parents' home. So their concern is at least understandable.

That said, try not to panic. Being 18 is difficult in and of itself. Throwing in "moving out" and "coming out" into the mix makes it all the more difficult.

I'd suggest expressing yourself a bit more. After all, you've listened to their problems for years. I'm betting many of them would be more than happy to listen to yours.

Lex

 

[benlemieux2003]

Remember you have the right to talk about yourself to people.

 

[rareboy]

Hey boo boo, you are stressing from the major life changes and I wouldn't be surprised but that you are suffering from a little anxiety disorder. You know, there are likely a lot of subjects to talk about without feeling constrained around your p's.

I think you need to talk to your family doc, particualrly since you already had a bout of depression three years ago.

Chin up...it'll be okay.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

You have just taken two of lifes giant steps. There's bound t be some apprehension.
Your reaction is quite normal and like so many things in life, time will heal all.
Good luck in your new found independence.