Out at work?

[Lube]

I'm middle aged and was in denial for most of my life. But I finally got some balls and came out (to myself and others) 4 years ago.

I'm a software consultant/contractor, doing enterprise java and iPhone/Android development in the Midwest USA. I have my own company, and have a new contract/work environment every 6 months or so.

So I've come out at a half dozen different places.

No one has ever so much as bat an eyelid.

I don't wave rainbow flags or wear feather boas. But, just as straight people talk about their husbands, wives, or dates, and what they did over the weekend, I talk about my bf/partner and what we did over the weekend.

I've never been treated like a weirdo, a psycho, or someone to be feared or loathed.

People ask questions about my bf just as I ask about their spouses.

We talk about our food likes & dislikes, the movies we like, our annoying or friendly neighbors, etc., etc. It is completely natural and normal.

I realize a blue collar or more conservative area may be different, but in a reasonably progressive company it is simply not an issue nowadays.

 

[altlover85]

With all of the above said, you'll still have to decide for yourself what you'll be comfortable with. I'd rather just keep some things to myself, and have everyone not know much about my business. I find it easier this way. Some environments are easier than others, and crying to human resources all the time can be counterproductive sometimes, too. One has to choose his battles, and not be hypersensitive. And as for being embarrassed about being out in a straight, masculine, blue collar environment full of locker room humor, I take it that is a rhetorical question. Unless you're one of those unusually brave souls who has always been out. If there is such a person in the above environment, and God Bless him, I've never met him.

I guess my point is embarrassing is not the word I would use. Embarrassed implies something to be ashamed of. I think coming out in a blue collar environment would be uncomfortable and not embarrassing.

I never said he had to keep it private because he's gay. I said that, since he didn't want to be out at work, he didn't feel like he needed to tell the guy he was gay, so he denied it. Work and sex life need to be kept separate, and the guy was obviously trying to find out about his sex life was inappropriate, and the OP was right in not giving out that info since he was uncomfortable. But, he felt bad about doing that since he felt like he has putting him self back in the closet. I was just saying that he shouldn't feel bad about not disclosing that. He could have disclosed it, and tell everyone he's gay, but he obviously doesn't wanna do that.

I'm saying that he should find a job at some point in the near future (say 5 years) that always him to be out. I don't think he really wants to have a career where he is in the closet at work and out everywhere else, but I could be wrong.

 

[Avenger]

Thanks again everyone for your input...it is helping me get some clarity on this issue.

Altlover, I'm in a hard to describe field...somewhat consulting, somewhat sales and I deal with both white collar and blue collar employees. I ended up here because what I do is in a field I was always interested in since childhood. To supersix's point, I think men in general can be just as gossipy no matter their background except that the white collar guys, the ones that I work with anyway, are more likely to be "PC" on the surface.

Bankside, I think you raise a really valid point about the fact that it might be better to just be the "out guy" rather than the guy everyone guesses about anyways and then talks about it or tries to "get the scoop" from your co-workers that you are close with (because that has happened on a couple occasions)

Also, you're right Midkipman, I do agree that work and sex lives should probably be kept separate if possible. Unfortunately the guy I spoke of in the story is someone I meet with in a sales role so there is no HR that could come into play other than I ask that I be moved off that particular territory. I just think I would rather keep my nose to the grindstone and try to deal with the comments than let some idiot change the course of my career path...

What it really comes down to is finding that compromise where I, or any person, feel like I am being true to myself but also not letting it get in the way of my goals. Hopefully it won't be as hard of a line to walk as it might have seemed, given the help that all of you are sharing....

 

[cj4today]

I am a 26 y/o male nurse from miami. Not sure if the profession or location has anything to do with it, but being at my current job for 7 years, and being out for 6, I have not had any problems with anyone I work with, regular staff or management.

As others have posted, I don't advertise it, I am pretty masculine when it comes to mannerisms (not sure if that makes a difference though, there are other guys that are kind of flamboyant but say they are straight), I don't advertise it, but I certainly do not hide the fact that I am attracted to men and that I am in a homosexual relationship.

I think if you come across very comfortable with yourself, others will feel the same way- straight or gay. It has come to the point now that the straight guys at work flirt with me, I flirt back, but it remains friendly, non-judgmental and non-threatening. Also, the people I work with find out I am gay when I mention my partner or a gay event I participate in or support (i.e marriage equality). No one else discusses it or gives me away, I am treated like if I was a straight colleague, no divide. And recently I was promoted to a management position in the ER that I work in.

Maybe I am just lucky, maybe it is the line of work or the people I work with, but I understand your position as I too once started out hiding my sexuality at work

I think you should definitely use your own judgement though, I am clueless when it comes to other cities/states and their tolerance of homosexuality- with the exception of the well known cities like SF, NYC, and Miami.......( I'm sure there are others but those are just off the top of my head)