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Out but still very confused! (long)

S

somedude987

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Hi. I recently came out to my family (not to friends yet, I'm living at my parents right now and my closest friends are hours away in another city). I am still very confused about my sexuality--even though I came out. This has been a relief in many ways, but I'm still just confused as ever, only now I have new things to be confused about, like my disappearing sex drive.

A bit of a back story: I'm 30, a virgin (guys or gals), and up until just 5 years ago I thought I was straight, though definitely not "vanilla". I always looked at straight porn (a lot of fetish stuff, watersports etc.). I'd always been attracted romantically and sexually to women. When I was younger, every once in a while I looked at really tame gay stuff, just stupid-looking naked guys, to sort of "test" myself to see if I was gay, and it never did anything for me. I never had a serious girlfriend--I did get really turned on making out with my girlfriend at the highschool dance, but that's as far as I ever went.

So, one day a few years ago, I was looking for some porn and saw a link to some hardcore gay movies. Whoa did it ever turn me on! I gradually started watching gay porn exclusively. Even just thinking about being gay and forsaking sex with women started to turn me on.

But I've never been romantically attracted to guys. I hardly even look at guys that way now, even after coming out to myself. It is still pretty natural for me to completely ignore guys and I still get romantic feelings for women. I thought and thought. I decided that even though I wasn't even remotely romantically attracted to guys, and being a firm believer in "love is blind" and deciding that sex isn't, I decided I would try "being gay" not just looking out porno. There is so much pressure from a straight society that I figure all my romantic feelings and stuff are still suppressed, I've been indoctrinated into being someone I'm not. Confusing thoughts or not, I was sure (and still am sure) I would end up gay. It was all sexual.

On to coming out. I'm 30, I am really lonely, and (was) really horny, especially being a virgin. I decided that enough was enough. Now that I knew I was gay I wanted sex and relationships and everything! And I was getting really ashamed and frustrated that my friends and family were always assuming I was straight: things like "You need a girlfriend!" "That's a nice shirt, you're sure to pick up the ladies" "Oh check out that hottie!" were driving me completely crazy and I just wanted it to stop. To top it all off, my sister is gay and married so there's a gay issue talk going on all the time that I just had to smile and nod about. So last month I finally did it! I've never had a boyfriend and the only way I know I'm not straight is from porn, but I still felt I needed to come out. I'd been thinking about coming out constantly for more than a year. And how am I going to meet someone that isn't some Internet weirdo (no offense guys :wave: ) if I'm not out? So this was quite a non-issue to my family and it was quite a non-event. A few hugs, and back to normal. That's about it. Only one of my brothers even asked me if I even had a boyfriend.

Really what I wanted to say to them was not "I'm gay" but "please stop assuming I'm straight, I want to try going out with guys for a bit. I am still confused but am 99% sure I will end up gay, and by the way I'm not really even romantically attracted to men, I just find gay sex really hot." That's the honest truth, as far as I can tell, at this point in my life.

But things were going good. I was still confused, but now that I was out, I felt I was moving forward, and coming out would help work some of the confusion out. Some of it has, but now instead of my family saying "You need a girlfriend" they give me sidelong glances at me when gay men are on TV, to check my reaction, and now it's like I'm in a different closet. It's like I can't win!

To top it off now my sex drive is getting really low. It's like I only wanted to be gay if no one knew and if it was taboo and wrong to be gay (which goes well with my other fetishes). I know me finding gay sex hot is not going to go away--even if I want to consider it purely some sort of "taboo" fetish and not my actual "sexuality," whatever "sexuality" is even supposed to mean. I know from experience that a fetish can come and go. But now I look at gay porn and more often it is getting boring when it used to be really hot. Is it because I came out? Or maybe I just watch too much porn in general.

I don't want answers to those questions, and I don't want people to tell me what they think my sexuality is, I don't care about the label.

What I really want someone who has had similar experiences to let me know how it all turned out for them and how they got through some of this stuff.
 
Welcome to JUB! :wave: Well, I can somewhat, kinda relate. Kinda.

I didn't realize I was gay until I was 20 or so. Most of it I attribute to me being not very visually attuned. I just didn't ogle girls (or guys) at all - still don't, really. So I didn't have that big clue that maybe it was guys who turned me on. And like you, once I realized I was gay, I experienced a major uptick in my sex drive. I didn't have easy access to porn back then, but my imagination more than picked up the slack.

But I'm reminded of the guy who says "There's tons of blood all over the carpets and floors of my house. What's the best way to clean it up?" It seems the questions you're asking are skirting the main issue. So let me cut to the chase.

You're 30.
You're a virgin.
You haven't done anything more than make out with your high school girlfriend - which was over a decade ago.

I know. You didn't know what you wanted. You still haven't totally decided what team you're on, or what you want. But come ON. You're thirty. You've been relying on porn to give you the answers for the last twelve years or more. Porn's fine to give you some vague idea of what type of relationship you might want.

But surely, it might be time to call an end to the research. And actually start applying what you've learned.

I know. It's scary. You've spent all your adult life well-insulated from real-life sexual relationships. And from your position, all the hazards are probably writ large - possible rejection, having to tell your first partner "I'm 30 and never done this before", possible heartbreak. But speaking from the other side, it's completely, utterly, and totally worth it. All of it.

How did I get through "some of this stuff"? I just moved ahead with it. I started dating. I got a steady boyfriend. I got laid. And as I went along, I got a much clearer picture of what I liked - romantically and sexually - than I ever did from porn.

Lex
 
There is nothing wrong with saying you just do not have any sex life or have not established your sexual orientation or identity.
 
Before we start getting into the coming out and sexuality issues... tell us a little about your social life. It's unusual for a guy to get to age 30 and still be a virgin. Have you dated? Have you done anything with a man or a woman? What kinds of things do you do for fun?
 
I had a friend in university with a similar back story though a bit younger.

Turns out he liked things slightly kinky and intense, and he got more of that vibe from looking at gay porn than straight. But when he found a woman who was also slightly kinky and intense, he had to come out again as bi. It ended up not mattering to him what her gender was, and when he realized there was at least one woman who could meet his interests on every level, it opened up a new world to him.

Still happily bi as far as i know.
 
I am bisexual too and I think you are too. If you feel sexual attraction to men and women you are bisexual? I don't know why some people make it so complicated? I am not having a go just saying that sometimes men are worse than women at accepting things.
Some straight men and a few gay men who claim to be 100% of something are not at all they are bisexual but in denial of it.

Just go with the flow and date different men and see. Don't force things though just go with the flow.
 
by the way I am a woman and watch gay porn and find it totally hot but last night I had a dream about a woman. Nothing wrong just means I find both sexually pleasing. Being bisexual can be confusing at first but then you just accept it and realise it isn't a choice. i knew when i was 6 that i was different before I knew what sex was I was telling a girl on the school bus I loved her!!
 
Thanks for your bits of insight, Horschallen, bankside, and angelstreet.

Lex and Bulut... I realize my post was really long and self-absorbed... but still: "whoosh!"
 
is you sex drive low, or you longing for a relationship sexual or otherwise low? my 23 yo friend j/o less than twice every couple of weeks and to me that's low.
 
Hey Very good post.. I"m on the same boat. I can literally take your post and say it was mine. :) hope you figure it out though because i know how your feeling.
 
Hey, Very good post. I can relate and i think i'm at the same stage as you. The low sex drive and everything.

Hope you figure it out, i know what your going through and it sucks...

Your not alone :)
 
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