Outed not by choice

[kirby89]

Right now though everything is gone to shit. Things are starting to go bad and i don't have any type of supportive group around me because i am 5 hours from home. Just last night i went to the gay bar for valentines and I had been there with a lesbian I met there before. We were both sitting at the bar drinking when I saw a guy form my classes at school who i was sure was gay anyway so it was no big deal (but i was still really nervous) I said hi and he looked very shocked it was kinda funny. So the night went on and my friend had to leave early to go to work the next day so i decided to stay for just one more drink. Next thing I knew a STRAIGHT guy from my program came in with his girl friend, (who he has a baby with) and saw me. He was talking to the other guy from school before he came up to me and shocked the hell out of me. I was just sittin there when I heard my name and turned around and he was sitting right beside me. We were talking and he was asking me why i was there and I said just havin a drink ha laughed then said in a gay bar? He thought that I was there with the girl i was with earlier so he thought I was straight but when he asked where she was and I said she left a while ago he paused then said Are you gay??. I didn't answer because I had no idea what to do. After that he just said well I got to go now. So now I am so scared about what is going to happen.

 

[Paws]

Throw in some paragraphs.

 

[kirby89]

You say 'not by choice' but you did choose to be there...

To be honest I don't really see the problem that two guys who hang out in a gay bar (one of whom is gay) now suspect that you are into men. Calm down and don't overreact.

Ya I did choose to be there. I can go there and not be out at school or in my everyday life. Its not like I planed on seeing straight people I know. He told me that he couldn't come in earlier in the night so he was at a strip club getting hammered. So its not like he is just cool with it

 

[kirby89]

Throw in some paragraphs.

Ha well sorry I will try better next time.I am not much of a writer. Oh and nice advice

 

[kirby89]

Just calm down and deal with things as they happen. Most likely it won't be as bad as you're telling yourself it's going to be.

I can deal with things as they happen but this is alot at one time for me. Its not like I am terrified, I can not think of how to explain how I am feeling all I know is I don't feel that good.

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

What you're feeling is probably anxiety which is common in homosexuals. Our fear is that when we're outed there's going to be a microscope over us, that the world will be laughing and calling us a nasty fag, that our friends and family will stick us on a ship and send us off to Norway where we'll work in a sweat shop 'til we're old and crusty.

People knowing about your orientation is no different than them knowing about your job or ethnic background. Any of the above is subject to scrutiny and judgmentalism, though ethnicity and occupation aren't as charged as sexual orientation.

You could start examining what exactly is making you nervous, why, and if it's justified. People afraid of frogs aren't threatened directly by frogs but there's still that trigger in their brain that swears they're in danger. Not all fears and anxieties are rational.

But coming out is a difficult process and shouldn't be taken lightly. If you plan on being discreet or closeted, you shouldn't be going to public gay places.

 

[Croynan]

Ya I did choose to be there. I can go there and not be out at school or in my everyday life. Its not like I planed on seeing straight people I know. He told me that he couldn't come in earlier in the night so he was at a strip club getting hammered. So its not like he is just cool with it

​

you went there not knowing in advance who was going to be there. none of your family walked in - just some straight guy from school and if he chose to be there i would assume he probably expected to see some people he might know. i really don't see him going around and spreading the word around campus. although i guess i could be missing something.

eM.

 

[PabloZed]

I understand how you feel and its natural to feel somewhat scared of what he might say, but remember that in order to tell someone he saw you in a gay bar he will have to admit he was there too. Sure, he can give an excuse, but I rather doubt he will be anxious to go about telling everyone he was there.

But you might look at it as an opportunity to accept who you are. If you avoid that straight guy or act like you are afraid, it will say to him that there was something wrong with you being at that bar. Well, there wasn't. And if there wasn't anything wrong with being there, there is nothing to be afraid of.

 

[kirby89]

Thanks so much fabulouslyghetto finally some nice and insightful comments.

 

[kirby89]

Sorry, but it doesn't really work that way.

If you want to be a nervous closet-case then you should probably stay at home like the rest of them.

But I wouldn't advise it.

Fuck that, it took me long enough to be able to go out by myself and start meeting people. There is no way that I am just gonna lock myself up now. There is so many people that are in the closet in some situations like work, school or just with certain people and then out in other ways. Its not so cut and dry like you are saying

 

[kirby89]

[/COLOR][/B]

​

you went there not knowing in advance who was going to be there. none of your family walked in - just some straight guy from school and if he chose to be there i would assume he probably expected to see some people he might know. i really don't see him going around and spreading the word around campus. although i guess i could be missing something.

eM.

I don't understand how you think that a straight guy would think going in to a gay bar that he is going to see people he knows. And I not saying this in a asshole way, so sorry if that is how it sounds.

 

[Blueboy369]

You don't owe anyone any explanations. You went out for a drink, no big deal.

 

[kirby89]

I Used To Frequent Gay Bars With A Str8 Friend Often. When He Was Recognized By One Of His Gay Co-Workers (Who Then Thought He Was Gay) - I Asked Him If It Bothered Him. He Said "I Don't Give A Fuck If Anyone Thinks I'm Gay."

So The Fact That You Are Worried About What A Str8 Guy Visiting A Gay Bar Thinks - Says More About Not Yet Having Accepted Your Own Sexuality Than It Does About His Giving A Shit As To Whether You Are Gay Or Not.

And Are You Sure He Didn't Ask You If You Were Gay Because - He Is Bi And Wanted A Tumble With You?

I am comfortable with my sexuality. I just don't think that it is something that everyone has to know. It would just make school easier right now if it wasn't known by everyone and i know some of you will say it would be easier being out then i wouldn't have to worry but I don't think so. Ha and if the reasons was he wanted a tumble I wouldn't complain lol

 

[fabulouslyghetto]

Thanks so much fabulouslyghetto finally some nice and insightful comments.

Careful with those kisses, I've been single for years and I....get excited easy.

To be honest (and logical) if your plan is to escape anxiety, the last thing you should do is stay in the closet. Remaining closeted involves lying to loved ones (which is never easy) and the constant fear of being caught. A female friend might ask if you think Joe Actor is handsome, just for a guy's opinion, but you misinterpret and think she's discovered you and panic ensues.

"Oh my God, how did she find out? Did I say something? Do I walk with a switch? Why is she asking me if a guy is hot? If she figured it out, who else did? She's just a friend, if she knows, my mom MUST know!"

The only liberation is to be open, otherwise it's a lifetime of looking over your shoulder and self-examination. The easiest way to come out is one at a time. Tell a friend or close family member, one likely to be gay-friendly (ie one that doesn't squirm or show disgust towards homosexuality).

It's a HUGE burden off your shoulders for all the reasons I listed. Is it problem-free? No. Will some friends stop answering your calls? It's possible. Will you face scrutiny? Maybe you could face scrutiny for your clothes not being expensive or stylish enough, for walking/talking the wrong way, listening to unpopular music. It's really up to you if you want to live your life open and free or if you want to live in perpetual hiding.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you luck and peace of mind.

Now, can I get one more kiss?

 

[PabloZed]

But . . . You know the real problem is the straight guy's girlfriend. She's the one who is going to tell her friends, especially any of them that had a crush on you. Then they are going to tell their boyfriends. This is also speculation based on you thinking being gay is a big deal to people at your school.

 

[Jory]

What you're feeling is probably anxiety which is common in homosexuals. Our fear is that when we're outed there's going to be a microscope over us, that the world will be laughing and calling us a nasty fag, that our friends and family will stick us on a ship and send us off to Norway where we'll work in a sweat shop 'til we're old and crusty.
.

What?! You don't think Norwegians are hot?! *Runs out of thread*

 

[kirby89]

You're Right It's Nobody's Business - But If You Were Truly Comfortable With Your Sexuality - You Wouldn't Care If Anyone Knows.

The only reason I care is because I am in a mining city/program so the people are not at all gay friendly. If I knew that I wouldn't be outcast then it would be no problem for me to tell.I have told a few people that I knew would be ok with it. I do plane on telling people but this was kind of a surprise that I going to rush things a bit but fuck it I can't change the past so I only have the future.

If you're closeted, then why are you going to gay bars in the first place? Nevermind the guy inside, who for whatever reason is comfortable in that kind of an environment, what if someone else you knew happened to be driving on the street and saw you entering or leaving. I'd be more worried about them. Were you in disguise?

Well I go to the gay bar to have fun, to have a social life and to make friends. And its not a busy street so I leave my straight disguise at home lol.

 

[PabloZed]

You sound in better spirits. The whole fear of tomorrow has passed.

 

[kirby89]

You sound in better spirits. The whole fear of tomorrow has passed.

Ya I am in better spirits but still nervous. I just have to thank everyone who took the time to say something it has defiantly helped.

Oh and I went out to the gay bar last night again lol

 

[cocktales]

OK, it's good to see you are still "visible"! lol

I DO recommend you talk to the guy or guys who saw you at the gay bar and explain the whole situation and "IF" you want to remain in the closet, you should ask them to keep your secret until you are ready to come out on your own terms.....

I too am of the opinion that it's our sexuality and NO one should tell us when and where to go anywhere and if we want to be ourselves and it's gay, then be who you are!

Yes, it's very distressing at first; but once you get use to telling the truth about who you are, the fear just seems to go away and you feel right about who you are ALL the time and living a life of lies is just NOT what we need to do!

Good luck and hang in there with what ever you do decide!