Overbearing Cousin!

[hanzosword]

Okay I just have to vent about my cousin. I knew he was gay since the first time I met him lol, but I just recently told him about myself because I had no choice but to scroll through his gay porn on his Playstation 3 to watch a DVD when I visited him a few weeks ago. I figured it was a good a time as ever to let him know. So ever since then he's been telling me all of his business and asking me about my experiences. I'm still a virgin and I only messed around with guys a few times and he wants to set me up with somebody to lose it. I am in no rush at all to keep up with what others are doing and my life is a bit too complicated right now anyways.

He is super overbearing and very judgmental of me because I'm not having sex and because I don't go out much and it pisses me off. I told him I had my reasons for not having sex right now which is a long story that I don't want to share with him.

He and I were not that close, but we used to hang out a good bit. We just never shared much about our lives as we were both in the closet, so even though we have the gay thing in common I'm still not comfortable sharing everything with him. He is home for the holidays this weekend and he is already getting on my nerves, wanting me to go to parties. I don't like going to clubs and I tell him this but he wants to drag me out anyways. I live in a small town right now so there isn't much to do other than go to clubs at night, leaving me with little options lol.

I'm kind of regretting telling him because now he wants to be closer just because we are both gay. He had little interest in being closer to me before he found out about me and that bothers me a bit. I had to endure a barrage of insults about me not going out tonight and I don't want to have a big argument with him about it, but he is pushing me already. I just want to have a good time with him if we go anywhere but he is gonna have to back off and not be concerned about my life. I just needed to vent lol!

 

[looseliam]

Perhaps he didn't want to be closer because "well, I'm gay, who want's to hang out with me."

You two now have something in common, other than family.

In the end, you may have to be brutally honest with him to get your point across.

However, would it kill you to go out with him once or twice??

 

[hanzosword]

Perhaps he didn't want to be closer because "well, I'm gay, who want's to hang out with me."

You two now have something in common, other than family.

In the end, you may have to be brutally honest with him to get your point across.

However, would it kill you to go out with him once or twice??

Thanks for the response. I have gone out with him many times, but I just don't like going to clubs. I probably will have to be brutally honest with him. He is gonna have to respect my decisions to do or not do whatever I want. I already told him earlier tonight that my not going out is none of his concern lol. He was probably shocked to hear that from me because he thinks of me as quiet and shy but there is a lot about me that he doesn't know.

 

[josher]

Try this:

We may be cousins, but if you want to be my friend, you have to stop telling me what you think I should or shouldn't do.

You have to listen to me and accept me as I am. We may both be gay, but we're different people with different interests and feelings.

When you try to push me to do things I don't want to do you make me very uncomfortable, and I don't enjoy your company then.

Would you push your (sister/female cousin/female friends) to have sex with a guy, if they weren't interested in that.

If you want us to hang out, you'll have to take me as I am.

 

[hanzosword]

Try this:

We may be cousins, but if you want to be my friend, you have to stop telling me what you think I should or shouldn't do.

You have to listen to me and accept me as I am. We may both be gay, but we're different people with different interests and feelings.

When you try to push me to do things I don't want to do you make me very uncomfortable, and I don't enjoy your company then.

Would you push your (sister/female cousin/female friends) to have sex with a guy, if they weren't interested in that.

If you want us to hang out, you'll have to take me as I am.

Thanks Josher! This is exactly how I feel, but I just hope I can say all this in a nice way lol. I don't get angry easily but his insults almost take me there lol.

 

[josher]

^^ Yes. Don't argue with him. Just let him know what your boundries are, and that he has to respect them.

How would he feel if a straight friend never let up on pushing him to have sex with a woman?

 

[palemale]

Some people perceive a person's behavior that doesn't conform to their own to be an implicit criticism of them. Insane, but true. For example, it is not uncommon that some hetero couples with children resent married, heteros who choose not to have children because they perceive that lifestyle to be an implicit criticism of their decision to have children. They accuse the childless couples by choice as selfish and self-centered for not having children.

It may be the same with your cousin. He may perceive that your decision not to conform to his "gay" lifestyle to be an implicit judgment on how he lives his life. So, whatever you say to him, bear this in mind.

 

[mbamike]

Sounds like your cousin is lonely and looking for a "buddy" to hang out with.

 

[Seasoned]

Have a quiet chat with him over a coffee and tell him what you told us. There is never a one size fits all to anything in life, no matter what those bathrobe or sock labels say.

In a sense "he's found jesus" and wants to take you along. Tell him that you're happy he's doing what he wants to do and ask him to be happy for you as you do what you want to do. It's really about acceptance of individual differences.