pain revisited

[Kulindahr]

This coming Christmas may be the worst in my life. The closer it comes, the harder everything is for me, from getting things done to thinking to even focusing my eyes.

Last Christmas was my first Christmas 'out'. By then I'd lost almost every friend from "before", so I was pretty lonely. Come Christmas, I called ahead to my mom's to see if everything was chill; she said things were cool, come on over. When I got there, before I even had my coat off, my siblings were heading out the door, calling me "wicked" and "immoral".
I can't think about Christmas without remembering that. With all the decorations in stores and everywhere, I can't go anywhere without being reminded of, and thinking about, Christmas.

I can't even wrap my mind around the question of what I'm going to do this year.
Help?

 

[luminum]

Oh Kul, I understand that this is a hard time for you.

Why not try volunteering or doing some activities in the local gay community somwhere during the holidays? You can meet some people and possibly hang out with them.

I have a feeling that htere are some good outreach programs this time of year, and either attending or helping out is a nice thign to do and it gets you out there and active. And I'm also sure that any coordinators understand that the holidays can be a difficult time for a lot of LGBTs and offer some cool events.

I'm so sory that you feel so alone and that your family sucks. ::hug::

 

[M4P]

Oh Kul, I understand that this is a hard time for you.

Why not try volunteering or doing some activities in the local gay community somwhere during the holidays? You can meet some people and possibly hang out with them.

I have a feeling that htere are some good outreach programs this time of year, and either attending or helping out is a nice thign to do and it gets you out there and active. And I'm also sure that any coordinators understand that the holidays can be a difficult time for a lot of LGBTs and offer some cool events.

I'm so sory that you feel so alone and that your family sucks. ::hug::

Kul, I'm sorry for how your family treated you - there is no excuse

luminum has given you some great advice here. A good friend of mine, who has no family in this city, used to volunteer every Christmas eve with the Salvation Army to bring Christmas to needy families. He told me those were his best Christmas memories

 

[just_mills]

I believe the more you worry/think about it, the worse it becomes. (Does that make sense?!)
I feel for ya on the whole family tip; it must hurt a lot.
Just try and look on the brighter things in life

 

[RicanDAB]

Hey Kulindahr,

I hope your Christmas this year turns out to be much better than you think it will be ... if there is such a thing as a Christmas miracle I certainly hope that it is yours this year!

 

[tallguy297]

Well mate...you have 2 choices.

You can let the past force you into submission, you can let it destroy your hope and the happiness you deserve. You can wallow in the hurt that its brought you and the pain its caused.

Or you can use it to start again.

You can use it to shape the person that you are. You can learn from the wrong doings of other smaller people than you, and create an opportunity to show people just how wrong they were. You can rise above the petty narrow mindedness and let the real open honest and sincere you prove to those less tolerant around you that they were badly mistaken and how they misjudged you. You can let your love, honesty, openness, sincerity and respect for others be the example to others who should know better.

Be the bigger man Kulindhar. Take the high road and let people know that you are proud of who you are....as you should be.

You deserve to regain this time as one of happiness and joy. It wont be easy...nothing good in life ever is. But dont lie down.

You deserve better than that.

 

[NickCole]

Kul, I'm sorry for the rotten time you're having.

With the issues you're facing, Christmas seems to condense the sadness and loneliness, the feeling of being set-apart. This is a normal part of transition from one period to another. It's tough to do but if you put effort into creating a new life for yourself, especially now, this awful period will likely evolve into something better pretty soon. This time of year is ripe not only with potential for pain but also with opportunity.

Luminum has the perfect advice -- don't be alone and try to do things that give to others and distract your thinking from your losses. It'll make you feel better. Further, you may meet someone you connect with and make a new friendship, which could open up all kinds of things for you.

Be generous and keep your heart open; what you put out will come back to you.

 

[JayHew]

If you have single friends that you get along with well and they are not visiting family, invite over for a dinner or some sort of get together. My family lives on the east coast and what I have done over the years is establish my own brand of Christmas. It is your world to establish. Normally I have a big Thanksgiving get together with friends and check out then what people are planning to do. If anyone is going to be alone, I ask them to think about coming over for a bit of holiday spirit. Seems to work. Would suck to spend the day alone and being upset about it. Take a positive action and begin now to make your own traditions, whatever they may be.

 

[Smitho]

What about a holiday to get out of the physical area and give yourself some time for relaxing. Also some winter sun and lieing on a beach will make it seem alot less like Xmas anyway. This is obviously dependent on your sitaution, but is there any chance of a week away?

 

[Roland00]

Hugs Kulindahr

 

[Roland00]

I recommend you get out of the house, and preferably go someplace warm and with hot men in swim trunks.

And the volunteering for the Salvation army sounds like a good idea.

 

[Eagle653]

Wow, I remember your last year's Christmas. That was horrible.

Some great advice has been given here. Let us know how you're doing and what you're going to do.

Always know that JUB is open Christmas Day too. You're always among friends here.

 

[3nipples]

Well, if we're going to invoke Christianity, then spending Christmas with your family is the route I would suggest.

Yes, I know what happened last year, but the situation must have been punishing for your mother as well as for you. Why let yourself be driven away by your ignorant siblings?

You already know they are going to be hateful and you already know that reasoning with them is a waste of time. It would be awesome of you could out-Christian them by turning the other cheek and let it just wash down you.

 

[Jeimuzu]

This coming Christmas may be the worst in my life. The closer it comes, the harder everything is for me, from getting things done to thinking to even focusing my eyes.

Last Christmas was my first Christmas 'out'. By then I'd lost almost every friend from "before", so I was pretty lonely. Come Christmas, I called ahead to my mom's to see if everything was chill; she said things were cool, come on over. When I got there, before I even had my coat off, my siblings were heading out the door, calling me "wicked" and "immoral".
I can't think about Christmas without remembering that. With all the decorations in stores and everywhere, I can't go anywhere without being reminded of, and thinking about, Christmas.

I can't even wrap my mind around the question of what I'm going to do this year.
Help?

It hurts, but all you can do it show that they have no control over you. If they define their beliefs on what someone has told them, and believe that this is more important than family, then fuck them. Sorry to be crude, but there's no better way. To hell with them. My mother has to cope with knowing her brother and sister hate her, and cope she does. She's written them out of her life, and frankly that's a good thing. She's brought up a set of perfectly well adjusted kids, whereas my aunt has two sons - one of whom moved in with a woman with kids his age, and the other is officially insane through drug use - which his brother got him into.

My uncle's just a git. Useful for nothing. Good for nothing.

I suspect your siblings are like that, too. Just visit your mother from time to time, and when you don't want to be reminded it's christmas, go somewhere warm and just have fun.

I agree with the school of thought that you need a christmas holiday.

Oh, totally random, but we share birthdays

 

[Kulindahr]

Oh Kul, I understand that this is a hard time for you.

Why not try volunteering or doing some activities in the local gay community somwhere during the holidays? You can meet some people and possibly hang out with them.

I have a feeling that htere are some good outreach programs this time of year, and either attending or helping out is a nice thign to do and it gets you out there and active. And I'm also sure that any coordinators understand that the holidays can be a difficult time for a lot of LGBTs and offer some cool events.

I'm so sory that you feel so alone and that your family sucks. ::hug::

Locally, there is no gay community. Being gay locally is dangerous to health and well-being. The nearest gay community is $30 away by today's gas prices, by a road I don't care to drive too often (especially in winter). The trapped feeling that comes from the geographical isolation just magnifies things -- and the constantly monitoring myself to be sure I don't check a guy out wears me out.

I managed to come up with enough odd-job work recently to make a loop to visit the two friends I have left -- one an hour away, the other an hour and a half; it was first to my doctor (55 min), then to the one friend (and some work) (70 min), then to the other(40 min), and finally to Portland (40 min) where I had dinner with a dude I hope is becoming a friend. Later I spent some time talking with the staff at the Men's Wellness Center, but the only type of support programs they have are for under-25 people. I came across an event listing for people who haven't been ut long -- but it was high school and college age only. I get the feeling that those of us older than that are supposed to have high-income jobs and be doing well.

 

[Kulindahr]

Well, if we're going to invoke Christianity, then spending Christmas with your family is the route I would suggest.

Yes, I know what happened last year, but the situation must have been punishing for your mother as well as for you. Why let yourself be driven away by your ignorant siblings?

You already know they are going to be hateful and you already know that reasoning with them is a waste of time. It would be awesome of you could out-Christian them by turning the other cheek and let it just wash down you.

My choice with respect to family is either spending it with my parents, who then won't be able to spend it with my siblings, or spending it alone, so my parents can spend it with my siblings.

The idea JayHew gave of inviting some friends over is great, except for two things: I don't have a place of my own to invite anyone to, and none of my former friends have changed their minds and I don't really have any new ones yet. If I could afford Smitho's vacation idea I might have some gay friends by now; a $30 trip to get to the nearest gay bar isn't much for someone who can afford to think of heading for sunny beaches for Christmas.

What a big chunk of me wants to do is just show up at my sister's place if they all gather there, and ask flat out, "Is this Christmas, or a party for the self-righteous?" But that would hardly be turning the other cheek, huh?

 

[luminum]

I know this is a big thing, but always kind of soemthing to keep in mind...

If you're geographically isolated, maybe you should keep an eye out for job postings in other places. Change the scenery and start fresh, you know? It might just be worth it

 

[Kulindahr]

I would love to start fresh. In fact, one major tie that has been keeping me where I am is coming to an end, which is great. If my truck had a canopy, I'd go to Portland and live in it, even!

 

[hotdog1846]

Wow, I'm sorry you're in this situation, Kulindahr.

You must be way out in the boonies somewhere -- I know there are hinterlands in Oregon, and you must be right in the middle of them.

I think some great advice has been given. I'd just like to add two comments.

One is to reframe some of the advice in a more goal-oriented way. I always do better when I have a mission or a purpose to my activities. Can you make Christmas about the accomplishment of a higher goal? Maybe volunteer with a local charity such as a community dinner for the day? Make your goal to make someone else's day a brighter one?

The other is to relate something I learned about northern Idaho last time I was in Boise.

In the mid 90s, there was a ballot initiative in Idaho that would've amended the state constitution to repeal all civil protections granted to homosexuals and prevent new civil protections from being passed. It was patterned after Colorado's infamous Amendment 2, which passed in 1992.

Idaho's gay lobby learned from Colorado's mistakes. Anti-gay sentiment was the strongest in northern Idaho and the gay lobby realized that, if they wanted to defeat the measure, they'd have to make major inroads in northern Idaho, which would be difficult because of strong social conservatism, isolated small towns linked by poor roads, a macho culture, and few openly gay residents. They realized they'd have to win by winning one heart at a time.

The gay lobby organized, town-by-town, and arranged for gays and lesbians, long-time residents and well-known and liked, who were formerly closeted, to come out in community forums -- town halls, churches, town squares -- and share some of their personal stories of isolation, shame, fear, and how the measure would personally affect them, not on a civil rights level, but on a personal emotional level.

The campaign worked. People heard the stories of pain and responded with compassion. Most northern Idaho counties voted against the measure, and it narrowly failed.

Perhaps some people in your town are compassionate too.

 

[Kulindahr]

If I was going to get out and do something like that for Christmas, it wouldn't be around here. My "fear factor" is too high: this is a town where guys still get knifed for checking out other guys, where people think all gays are child molesters, etc.
If my truck hadn't died ten months back, necessitating the acquisition of a new one, meaning massive payments, I'd have the financial freedom to go somewhere else for Christmas; as it is, I'll prolly be on my own, here, and on the border of maybe needing to be on the receiving line of a community dinner.

I know I'm sounding negative, but sitting here with no flexibility financially, no one I can just sit down with and be me, and awhat is supposed to be a joyful time hitting me like a load of bricks, it's hard to see anything good, or any options.

If I were twenty years younger, I could easily get on gay.com and find someone to put me up in Portland for the holidays just to have me wander around in my undies. As it is.... I'm... I dunno; crushed, maybe?