Paralyzed by HIV fears.

[Brer Fox]

I am scared of HIV, so terrified, in fact, that I am being pushed back into the closet, or, further back into the close than I already am. It appears it is everywhere: I know too many who are positive, I have this weird idea in my mind that everyone has this disease, because I think everyone does. I mean, I know everyone does not, but how do I know that they don't? And now coming on the heels of the revelation that even more people are infected than have ever been suspected... oh wonderful! And it is coming back, I know it is coming back, people are just going to let it come back and let it garrote them until this entire community bleeds infected blood.

Suffering from severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have become a hypochondriac about this disease, but with a difference: I distrust these statistics, I distrust the contemporary spin, I do not know what to trust if anything. All I see is a bunch of heterosexual friends and acquaintances who do not have HIV, and who seem to have that care so many miles away it is a non-issue, and I turn around and see a bunch of homosexual friends and acquaintances who are, or are living with, or who know someone who is positive. "It's like one-third of all the guys in Northwest Arkansas have it," I hear an ex-lover of mine, "But what am I going to do, stop having sex?"

I have, I have not had sex with a man in almost a year, I have moved to pursuing heterosexual relationships. I feel safe with a woman, I do not feel the impending looming death sentence, because I know none of the women I have been with are going to have it, and even if they do, I am very unlikely to get it from them. Why? Because that is my observation. I have never heard of anyone I know even hearing about a female around here with HIV, let alone a purely heterosexual male. Now is where you label me a self-loathing homosexual, because my observation is: In Northwest Arkansas, only homosexuals have HIV/AIDS.

Let me assure you, I am well educated on the facts and figures. I have been to the CDC, Avert, HIVinsite, The Body, the SF Clinic, the BMA, the whatever. I have read books, I have seen programs, I have read journals... so why is this not reflected in my life? Why do all the white, middle-class heterosexuals in Arkansas not have HIV, whereas it seems all homosexuals do? If I continue to be 'straight,' despite being very unhappy, I will live a life free of the worry about HIV, and I will not have to sit there and think about it all my waking hours, and through a good proportion of my dreams... that is if I do not already have it, which, given my luck, I probably do.

I am not a slut, I have only been with a handful of men, albeit them being hookups (but that does not matter, no one is to be trusted), and I have used condoms for anal sex at all times... condoms that fail all the god damn time it seems. 80-90% efficacy is not good enough. I do not want the rope holding me over the god damn canyon of flesh eating barracuda to fail 10% of the time.

At my wit's end, I do not know what to do. I loathe my feelings toward men even more each day, because I know the decision to fulfill them is going to fill me with terror, so I just hide. Being a homosexual and living in the age of HIV is a sick joke. Fuck all the people dying around me, fuck sex being fatal, fuck all the worrying. Fuck fucking, unless it is with a woman. So I guess I will be straight, because the straights are the survivors.

This is part frustration, part virulence, and part cry for help, but I am beyond help, I fear, because no matter how much I know I am being irrational, I cannot help but feel like I am the one-eyed man in the world of the blind. Am I alone? Is anyone else scared to celibacy? I just want to live without the torture, the shame, and the inevitability that I am going to waste away to nothing and pretend it is okay.

I wish I was not insane.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Since you say you have read etc.,:

STATISTICS

HIV/AIDS in 2005
(The following information, except for the last one, are based on data from 33 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting.*)

HIV/AIDS was diagnosed for an estimated 9,708 women. High-risk heterosexual contact was the source of 80% of these newly diagnosed infections. Women accounted for 26% of the estimated 37,163 diagnoses for adults and adolescents.

Of the 126,964 women living with HIV/AIDS, 64% were black, 19% were white, 15% were Hispanic, 1% were Asian or Pacific Islander, and less than 1% were American Indian or Alaska Native. The estimated number of HIV/AIDS in female adults or adolescents decreased from 11,941 in 2001 to 9,708 in 2005. According to a recent CDC study of more than 19,500 patients with HIV in 10 US cities, women were slightly less likely than men to receive prescriptions for the most effective treatments for HIV infection.

You can let statistics rule your life or you can grow some balls and be your own man. We all die at some point, but to be in the closet, unloved and alone is worse than any statistics! Life is to short not to be with someone you can love and be loved back!!!

 

[Puzuzzu]

Since you say you have read etc.,:

STATISTICS

HIV/AIDS in 2005
(The following information, except for the last one, are based on data from 33 states with long-term, confidential name-based HIV reporting.*)

HIV/AIDS was diagnosed for an estimated 9,708 women. High-risk heterosexual contact was the source of 80% of these newly diagnosed infections. Women accounted for 26% of the estimated 37,163 diagnoses for adults and adolescents.

Of the 126,964 women living with HIV/AIDS, 64% were black, 19% were white, 15% were Hispanic, 1% were Asian or Pacific Islander, and less than 1% were American Indian or Alaska Native. The estimated number of HIV/AIDS in female adults or adolescents decreased from 11,941 in 2001 to 9,708 in 2005. According to a recent CDC study of more than 19,500 patients with HIV in 10 US cities, women were slightly less likely than men to receive prescriptions for the most effective treatments for HIV infection.

You can let statistics rule your life or you can grow some balls and be your own man. We all die at some point, but to be in the closet, unloved and alone is worse than any statistics! Life is to short not to be with someone you can love and be loved back!!!

We all die at some point is true, but why kill ourselves earlier?

 

[pinoy-pride]

yeah we all die at some point but why kill ourselves earlier is kinda a poor outlook don't you think? I mean yes you can look at statistics and shit but there are several precautions that you can take, I know living with OCD probably isn't easy, I have OCD tendencies myself, but living in the closet isn't gonna make it any better, you can still take precautions and be safe without 'killing yourself earlier'.....

 

[hazaleyez1975]

My Uncle was diagnosed with it. It is no joke he is in horrible shape. He wasnt using condoms and shit. He always said you gonna die of something. Now he says I wish I would have been more careful.......... These are thoughts to ponder..

 

[954dude]

I spoke to my doctor last week about all of this and he gave me the usual warnings and finished off by saying you can't be 100% safe whether you're hetero or homo - ya just gotta be careful. Live Brer Fox!

That sums it up, just be careful.

 

[Raven03]

I agree, whether you are Hetro or Homo sex will never be 100% safe. I understand your fears because many others fear the disease as well however at the same time you can't let that fear conquer you. The only thing you can do is educate yourself and try to be as safe as you can.

Also don't be foolish and think that just because your with a woman that you cannot catch this disease. Many people who have the disease don't realize they have it until after they have spread it to someone else. HIV does not discriminate and going back in to the closet is not going to save you from it.

You should also be aware that there are middle class white males/females who do have this disease not only in your area but all over the damn country. You say you have read all the statistics but based on you post you may not know as much as you think.

 

[954dude]

^^ Yes, yes, yes!!

* Education is the key. Be aware of facts about the disease.
* Once you're exposed and infected, HIV/AIDS doesn't care whether you're black, white, straight, gay, closeted, or confused.
* Protect yourself from the disease, but also protect yourself from the ignorance you're falling into.
* Heterosexual women are being infected increasingly. Don't you see what's happened in Sub-Saharan Africa?

 

[jamiefireboy]

I can say youre not the only one to think about it , probably, a little too deeply.

I would recommend stop reading the stats and figures and stories: HIV is a real problem, but should not dominate your thoughts and feelings. Knowing the odds will change very little. It is perfectly possible to have relationships and sex with men, but just be very safe how you do it.

There is risk inherently in whatever we do; Sex with a man or a woman carries a risk, as does cycling on the road, driving, eating meat or veg (people die of e-coli posioning from eating spinach), walking out of your house and basically any other human activity.

To be honest, I think I'd rather die of HIV than be involved in a fatal car accident because at least I can plan for death, say goodbye, live my life knowing that I have a limited amount of time and do what I want to do with a certain degree of liberty. Dying from HIV complication is by no means the worst thing that can happen.

Last thought on my first post on this website: People go on about risk and figures BUT the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all. Just think things through, relax and continue wearing your seatbelt.

 

[lil_Diablo]

You should also be aware that there are middle class white males/females who do have this disease not only in your area but all over the damn country. You say you have read all the statistics but based on you post you may not know as much as you think.

I get the point you're trying to make, but it is much harder for a female to transfer HIV to a male.

From a public health perspective, women are usually considered a biological dead-end for HIV, unless the women is sharring needles, or she gets pregnant and has children.

In africa, women can transmit the disease, because a lot of the men have open sores on their dicks, usually from other stds. Those conditions usually don't exist in the the first world, because medical care is in place to care for the initial, lesser std infection.

 

[Raven03]

I get the point you're trying to make, but it is much harder for a female to transfer HIV to a male.

From a public health perspective, women are usually considered a biological dead-end for HIV, unless the women is sharring needles, or she gets pregnant and has children.

In africa, women can transmit the disease, because a lot of the men have open sores on their dicks, usually from other stds. Those conditions usually don't exist in the the first world, because medical care is in place to care for the initial, lesser std infection.

Not True, If a woman is HIV+ and you have unprotected Vaginal/anal sex you can become infected as vaginal fluid or possibly blood could work its way up your urethra. A person dosent have to have sores or any other type of std to get Hiv. However having those things do increase you chances of infection. It is not as hard as you may think for a woman to infect another person.

 

[3nipples]

Most straight men and women I know practice unprotected sex unless to prevent pregnancy and even then easily lapse. HIV isn't on their mind and consequently they don't go and test for it. No surprise then, that you don't hear about it as much as in the gay community where it continues to be a topic.

There is not much point in trying to talk you out of this fear because, as you say yourself, you're not able to be rational about it.

Just remember that the sex drive is called a drive for a reason. No matter how much you try to abstain from it, eventually you will fail. The danger is that you will be unpracticed and unprepared and will end up doing something unsafe in the heat of the moment.

 

[lil_Diablo]

Not True, If a woman is HIV+ and you have unprotected Vaginal/anal sex you can become infected as vaginal fluid or possibly blood could work its way up your urethra. A person dosent have to have sores or any other type of std to get Hiv. However having those things do increase you chances of infection. It is not as hard as you may think for a woman to infect another person.

I'm taking my information from "The Body" the preimere hiv education site, and according to it. (see link below the paragraph)

Heterosexual Transmission

"Announcing the results of the nation's largest study of heterosexual transmission of HIV, researchers at the University of California, San Francisco, found there was a very low rate of infection among heterosexual couples with one HIV positive partner.

Scientists now believe female-to-male transmission is rare. Women were about eight times more likely than men to become infected by their HIV positive partners. The probability of HIV-positive women infecting their male partners with the virus was found to be significantly low."

http://www.thebody.com/content/art446.html

 

[thewiz]

When I was married I got a vasectomy after the second child was born -- the one night miracle baby! After I made the decision to come out I first thought what a waste it was because now I wouldn't be getting anyone pregnant....

But then it dawned on me that living a gay man you must take precautions such as condoms or be in a trusting and true monogamous relationship. It also dawned on me that the same was true when having sex with a woman today.

In my younger days you had to worry about STD's that were curable by shots but if she was on the pill, you were pretty safe and secure. Women are being infected more and more with the HIV virus exactly for this reason -- as are their male sex partners.

The way to have peace of mine is to get tested -- KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. There is no excuse for anyone not to be tested; most cities have free services for HIV testing as well as STD's. If yours does not, check to see where the closest one is and get tested.

If I'm getting into a relationship, one of the first dates is to the Whitman-Walker clinic. It is a good way to begin to talk about issues in the relationship as well as what you both feel are important. I also find it very intimate because you are sharing something extremely personal.

I get tested every quarter. I have friends that work at the clinic and it ensures I see them at least every three months and they also make sure I always am tested while I'm there! If I contracted HIV, I guess it would be because I was stupid at some point or took an unnecessary chance. If I GAVE it to someone because I was stupid is something I could not forgive myself for doing.

Regular testing combined with safe sex practices is the only way to prevent the spread or contraction of the disease in male or female sexual relationships.

 

[Brer Fox]

I am almost certain I would rather get on with it and die than live with the all-consuming fear or the stigma of being known as positive. I am not spreading the disease willingly... I take as many precautions as a realistically can already, so what if I were to have the disease? It makes absolutely no difference, except for the fact that I would be viewed as a biohazard and a burden, and be forced to muster up some kind of false pride about pretending it is okay to be just another queer who let the wrong dick up his ass, and be forced into the guilt of having to 'disclose' to every... single... person. I tried coming out once, it failed miserably. I do not need to come out twice: As a homosexual and as a harbinger of pestilence.

And no one cares, I am around the straight community ninety-five per-cent of my time, and the only references to HIV/AIDS contain 'faggot' and a heaping helping of 'serves them right, I could care less,' if it is even brought up... ever. The only time I ever see it in the spotlight is when it is related to Africa, which the same people don't care about, and national AIDS day, which usually just comes with a new 'staggering death toll!,' a small mention, and a response of 'serves them right, I could care less.' The response from every straight person I know would be a mix of a tiny tinge of pity, followed by 'Guess you're a fag, sorry fag, just don't touch me or my family,' and every gay person would just accept it as some kind of status quo... they already do. So nonchalant, as if there is no worry at all.

Cancer is some kind of fight, some honorable duel with destiny that makes you some kind of hero... no one sees you as 'fighting' AIDS, they just see you as a fag. If I were diagnosed with cancer, my family and friends would be great guns with the support... if I were diagnosed with HIV, they would be embarrassed. My family would begrudgingly probably 'have' to help me out, but I guarantee most of my friends would leave. They all just lose contact... you become 'that scary guy with the AIDS,' I have seen it before.

Or maybe I could get my hopes up for a cure sometime within the century while they are repeatedly dashed by one failed testing after another. Worst of these, however, would be the regret... the regret about being gay and becoming a statistic, of dying the same way I see all the others: "AIDS related this, AIDS related that." Every single day waking up to the cheerful recognition that "Hooray! My immune system doesn't work!" and having to swallow a fist-full of pills to vainly buy some time while I can no longer do what I love because everyone is scared to touch me, or I am too tired, or I go blind, or I shit my pants. A life worth living? Seems to me like you are on death row, and you are just being tortured by a stay of execution.

Or maybe I could fall in love, and force my partner to worry the fuck in secret (I have known many 'serodiscordant' negatives, and they all have gone intimately into this process even though they are ready to fabricate this little idea that they are just dandy with the prospect of playing roulette) about every time we have sex, or every time I sneeze, or about the fact that I come with an expiration date. Romantic.

Testing is a temporary relief... but then you have sex again, and the remedy is invalid. Three more months, six to be sure, and then the cycle starts again. In fact, if you really think about it, testing something like quarterly does not accomplish all that much, if anything. I guess if you said 'Oh my, positive... well, I'll never have sex again, ever!' it would work... but are you going to do that? Probably not. So you are just leveled with another tier of grief this time not about getting infected, but infecting. I am sure I would just use the opportunity to pump myself up on drugs, have a good time, and ensure I finish what it started.

Thank you for the facts, Lil_Diablo. Those are the same that make my little closet panic room very appealing. I am really sorry if I sound venomous, I know I do. I used to go to bat for the 'rah rah AIDS is everyone's disease!' argument, but then I kind of realized I think I was wrong. I somewhat feel, though, that a bit of venom is a small consolation for the torture this subject wracks my brain with. If I can never comfortably have sex with men again, how can I be gay? The answer seems to me I can't. I could say I have never once wished I wasn't a homosexual, but that would be a lie, but now I wish I could change.

 

[thewiz]

Quite honestly, it sound like you have issues with being gay; AIDS is just something to blame it on.

I've sat with my older sister and held her head while she struggled to get it up to the puke pan and repeatedly brought up bits of bile and her stomach which was being consumed by cancer. I then sang softly in her ear the night I told her to let go and leave as she struggled to take another breath and gurgled and choked as the air exchange took place in her cancer-filled lungs. I wouldn't call it honorable; I wouldn't call it anything except the worst kind of death I could ever think of or want to go through.

I also held the hand of my brother-in-law as my other sister put morphine suppositories up his ass that attempted to bring some relief from the brain cancer that was throbbing through his body and causing convulsions. I sat with her as he struggled for his last breath; with us only being able to whisper because his hearing had gotten super charged. Honorable? I don't think so.

I've dated a guy that was HIV positive -- he was my first boyfriend. He was a great guy and we took precautions but one can live perfectly normal with today's treatments and he can have a safe sex life with a partner. He took one pill each day -- not the handfull that you used to take years ago. His count was so low that it was barely detectable and better and better research is taking place. I've been going out lately with one of the researchers that is doing work at the NIH on the virus and things are changing all the time. If a man takes care of himself, he will probably take less pills than most obese people in this country are taking for their high blood pressure, diabetes, and a host of other ailments that is far more disgusting to me than someone with HIV.

I've taken meals to those obese people who are dying from nothing more than their inactivity. I've done things around their house and given them communion. Hell, all they had to do was get off their asses and live and take care of themselves; most are younger and are destined for a life of medication, hospitals, less and less activity and worse. Ever tried to roll a 450 pound person over so you can put a diaper under them while trying to clean the shit off? Not too honorable either.

I'm sorry you are paralyzed by your fears of HIV. But if you think just having sex with women is any more safe -- think again. Your homophobic friends (and I come from a redneck are of the midwest where I heard the exact same things as I was struggling with the fact I was gay) might want to work in a gay men's clinic or other setting. They'll see regular guys and women (and I've seen a lot of women at the clinic) dealing with something that was contracted because they were not careful. I've seen women with all kinds of uncurable STD's that they have been spreading and didn't care or didn't know.

You can get a woman pregnant if you aren't careful; she is more likely to contract cervic cancer. You can contract HIV from a woman just as she can from you if you don't cover the stump before you hump. Plain and simple. The same precautions you have to take heterosexually you take homosexually (or you had better).

If you take the precautions and get regularly tested -- when you have sex with someone you can be confident that you are not giving something to someone. If all gay guys did the same thing we could begin to make an impact and people would not be exposed. Most guys do not get tested nor do most women. They say they "are clean" when they don't know or don't care.

The way to be sure in any relationship--hetero or homosexual-- is to be tested, to be loyal, to be monogamous, and to be committed. Until you are in that type of relationship you had better practice safe sex practices.

 

[jamiefireboy]

The simple answer, IMO, is that if you contract HIV and start going downhill from AIDS (though with today's medications you are expected to live well over a decade without any symptoms) - if one starts going downhill with AIDS the simple solution is to kill yourself. End of.

When (if) I grow old and my body starts to fall apart and I'm incontinent or whatever and starting to lose my mind then I intend to either commit suicide (assisted) or submit to euthanasia - what's the difference? If you don't want to go out with a whimper with your body failing terribly then take a short cut.

I totally agree with this!


Listen brerfox: why don't you do this - instead of flailing around trying to be something youre not due to a fear over something that might or might not happen - declare yourself celibate for one month and relax. Concentrate on something totally different for a little while; your mind needs a rest.

I went through something like this a couple years back, albeit maybe quite not so intensely. I rationalised and reasoned with myself and came to the following conclusion: I am a 24 year old healthy young male. Every day I worry about something, that something doesn't go away. I've got maybe 40 years max before my body really starts to go wrong. I need to make the most of it. It is possible within that time I will die from something totally out of my control. Everyone dies, and its never heroic - its always sad.

I say it again, HIV is no way the worst thing to happen. Yes, your life will change - but I've read many stories where peoples lives have changed for the better after they get HIV, cancer, etc. They become at peace with their own existence. They actually start to live

 

[lil_Diablo]

Thank you for the facts, Lil_Diablo. Those are the same that make my little closet panic room very appealing. I am really sorry if I sound venomous, I know I do. I used to go to bat for the 'rah rah AIDS is everyone's disease!' argument, but then I kind of realized I think I was wrong. I somewhat feel, though, that a bit of venom is a small consolation for the torture this subject wracks my brain with. If I can never comfortably have sex with men again, how can I be gay? The answer seems to me I can't. I could say I have never once wished I wasn't a homosexual, but that would be a lie, but now I wish I could change.

The below link is a good book to read. It does confirm your fears, but I have suffered much like you, so I know exactly what you going through. Although I'm HIV -negative, I have gotten an STD from another, on the second time having sex with a man. Try carrying that burden.

Sexual Ecology: AIDS and the Destiny of Gay Men by Gabriel Rotello

http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Ecology-AIDS-Destiny-Gay/dp/0452277191