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Paranoid about anal sex

Aratron

Aratron

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Hey guys, I'm writing jeer because I'm getting crazy about some things.

So I have been dating this guy for a month or something and we met like 3 months ago.
Some time ago we had anal sex without protection and I ended up getting gonorrhea which I treated and he did as well.

After that, we did it one more time but then I started getting paranoid about dsts and stuff and I told him I wanted to use condom from Now on. He didn't like it because he said the condom makes him bleed and he said I wasn't trusting him. We ended up not doing anything because that turned him off. Today the same thing happened. I told him that wanted to bareback because I was horny but that I could change my mind later, he got kinda mad and didn't want to do anything.

He says he loves me and I love him too even if we aren't committed. It's not that I didn't like barebacking, I enjoyed it too but I'm just paranoid.

What do you think I should tell him to make him understand that I'm not doubting him?
 
why arent you doubting him? only a complete mororn would trust that guy. he gave you already something (thank god it wasnt hiv), and you guys arent even commited! plus, hes a total jerk about using condoms. you should be paranoid, sleeping with a guy like that will give you more std's for sure.

short answer? drop him, move on.
 
Wow, boy, that is a tough one. The problem is: how to be sure of him not doing anything else, with anybody else? If you had this certainty, it would be easy - it was only a matter of both of you getting tested and, once the results were negative, party on! But that would imply in kind of a commitment... and I don't know if you are ready to go on that much. In fact, I don't know how much you get to know each other that well.

Anyway, wearing condoms these days is not a matter of being only paranoid, but it's also a matter of health. You yourself had the proof, getting some gonorrhea. In order to abandon the condoms, you had to be absolutely sure that both of you were faithful, a task virtually impossible to be greatly accomplished (or, at least, proved). Besides that, I'm not sure if I'm making some prejudgments here, but the fact that he pushed up, so promptly, the argumentation that "you don't trust him" may be, in fact, an indication that you shall not trust him as far as sex is concerned.

But I'm moving away from your question. I would tell you that the best way to get your partner to use condom without complaining would be... getting him to use in a way that he doesn't feel obliged to! The condom can be used as an extra tool during the foreplay - use your imagination and let it go! Put it with the hands, with the mouth... These days we also have lots and lots of condoms - from glowing in the dark ones to others which play songs... Including colored, textured, flavored, warming ones. Try to turn the act of putting it in part of the sex, with different ones.

Even because if your sex is focused only on the penetration (like you said that it was bareback or nothing), boy, sorry to tell this... but you are missing most of the fun! ;)
 
Condoms make him BLEED???

I've never heard that one before...

I'm not saying it isn't POSSIBLE -- I just can't fathom why...

Don't bareback with ANYONE unless you're 100% comfortable...

And based on what you've written -- I wouldn't even be 50% comfortable...

:(:(:(
 
Paranoia is a mental illness, .i.e. lack of sanity. Barebacking with someone who gave you gonorrhea is insane. Using condoms with someone with whom you are not in a committed relationship, have not been tested together for STIs and with whom you have some doubt you can trust is sane.

The guy is bad news. Drop him.
 
I agree with Swerve. "Condoms make him bleed". Well that's a first ]: Not saying that it's not possible, but how COULD it possibly make it bleed. Also, if he's being such an ass about not putting on a condom, then I think it's time to move and or rethink your relationship with him. Even if you guys are not committed, you guys should still practice safe sex. Couples that are committed also practice safe sex, it's not a trust issue, but also a health issue. He needs to understand your needs and wants as well as his. If he only thinks about himself, then it sounds to me like it's not a healthy relationship.
 
I thought I was in a long-term monogamous relationship, but after I displayed symptoms my doctor described as HIV seroconversion (particularly a really, really bad non-itchy rash), my boyfriend confessed to cheating. It took weeks for us to develop courage for an HIV test -- among the most miserable weeks of my life. Thankfully the test proved negative, but the complimentary syphilis proved positive (and having the county health department come to my home and interrogate me was humiliating).

Since then, I've taken the advice of my infectious disease specialist and refrained from barebacking. Not until I'm in a stable, long-term, trusting relationship at least.
 
Aratron said:
Hey guys, I'm writing jeer because I'm getting crazy about some things.

So I have been dating this guy for a month or something and we met like 3 months ago.
Some time ago we had anal sex without protection and I ended up getting gonorrhea which I treated and he did as well.

After that, we did it one more time but then I started getting paranoid about dsts and stuff and I told him I wanted to use condom from Now on. He didn't like it because he said the condom makes him bleed and he said I wasn't trusting him. We ended up not doing anything because that turned him off. Today the same thing happened. I told him that wanted to bareback because I was horny but that I could change my mind later, he got kinda mad and didn't want to do anything.

He says he loves me and I love him too even if we aren't committed. It's not that I didn't like barebacking, I enjoyed it too but I'm just paranoid.

What do you think I should tell him to make him understand that I'm not doubting him?
Click to expand...

You should be doubting him. He gave you an STD and won't use condoms. I would move on.
 
Another wow. Using the "trust" card against you is frankly a ploy to get you to succumb to his desire to bareback because it feels better/more natural, makes him feel closer and more intimate with you (and not likely one bit due to it makes him bleed as others have noted), etc.

If he had any respect for you as a person/partner/human being, he would not have used this guilty-riden question as a test for your and his love for each other. His respect for you should have started and ended unequivocally with a condom... period, end of story.

My view: Drop this dis-respecting dude fast!
 
Please keep getting tested and please stop seeing this guy. My guess us that besides narcissism he may have an addiction or two going on. NO ONE ought to be insisting on barebacking. He gave you fucking VD because he isn't getting tested. I wouldn't trust him with anything. What a line!! Is he 16, speaking to his parents?
 
I don't think it's love, if it were he would take your concerns and try to make them better. What he is doing is making excuses. Making you feel guilty for not trusting him instead of giving you a reason to trust him, or a way for you to trust him. Sadly I think this guy is bad news, and although you might have feeling towards him- I wouldn't put yourself at risk. You deserve better. I am assuming that he was the one whom exposed you to an std before? That should be more the reason to take caution. STD tests, and if condoms bother him maybe look for alternative solutions, instead of excuses.

My advice is that you can do better, you deserve better. Walk away.. Best of luck.. I hope all works out.
 
I would tell him that if he is feeling spunky he better wrap his monkey!

But seriously he already gave you something once there is no reason to trust him barebacking again. I would say tell him it is either wear a condom or wear some other man's dick in his ass cause you dont want it.
 
It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do, through guilt. He's bad news, I'm afraid. If he cared about you, he would listen to your concerns, and attempt to reach a compromise that worked for you both. Instead, he's being selfish and making up lies (condoms making him bleed? Come on...) to get his way. He's not worth risking your well being over, time to move on.
 
Thanks guys for all the advice. I'm going to try talking to him again to see if we can reach a compromise, if he doesn't want tom his loss.

What's funny is that he is a volunteer in a project which is committed to conducing HIV prevention research. Such a good example he's giving :rolleyes:
 
^ I'm interested to hear what his opinion towards his work is versus his personal habits regarding safe sex.


And please draw the line when it comes to barebacking. There's no compromise...that would mean you're meeting somewhere in the middle. Condoms or no anal. He already burned you once. You'd be a fool to let him do it again.
 
Did you also get yourself tested for HIV? If you came up with gonorrhea, you should have also been tested for other things.

Big red flag to any guy who makes an excuse for why he can't wear a condom. "It makes me bleed." Seriously? Don't have bareback sex with this guy. It's one thing to have a fast arrangement with a guy you think you can trust, but you definitely can't trust a guy to be safe if he's telling every guy he can't wear a condom because he "bleeds."

Very scary. You have every reason to be paranoid. Basically he's telling you he barebacks with every guy he has sex with. You already said you're not committed to him, so what's holding him back from barebacking with the next guy?
 
HIV appears to many people to be a condition that is manageable with medication. It's a disease that is deadly. Too many young people seem to be in denial about this.

You are too young to remember the bad old days when people were dropping like flies. In the 80s, I was not seeing men and living a straight life in NYC. Yet, I still knew at least a dozen people who died of AIDS, friends, work colleagues, acquaintances. I knew a married man who also had a bf. He, his wife, his bf, and two of his three children ended up dying of aids.

Your buddy is a menace. Move on.
 
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