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Parents that ignore 'it'

highwindcaleb

highwindcaleb

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Me and my parents have probably a yearly talk for the last 6 years, I'm 20 now, about the fact that I'm gay. Mainly about how they don't believe it and he they didn't raise a gay son. All the fun stuff.
Throughout the rest of the year though they just ignore the fact that I'm gay, no mentioning it and my father even talks about some cute girl that happened to be working at whatever store he was at that day. It infuriates me.

I am still more or less financially dependent on them while i get my college education taken care of or i'd be outta there by now.

Any tips or advice or encouraging words on how to deal with parents that just ignore the fact that I'm gay?
 
My parents were like that for awhile. Then I brought my boyfriend home and they absolutely fell in love with him. I think it put things in perspective for them and they finally saw how happy I was. Just give it time and enjoy your life. Live it for you, not them and they'll eventually come around. Don't shove it down their throats.
 
This is what I've learned over the course of my life when I was forced to listen to something I didn't want to react to. I imagine myself totally empty headed (no comments now, this is therapeutic) and the conversation directed towards me as smoke which goes in one ear circulates inside that empty head and finds it's way out the other ear.

Once you are out of the house sign them up as members of PFLAG. Perhaps they'll learn something from the literature.
 
Some parents just never come around. My mother never did. She ignored it 90% of the time and was nasty about it the other 10%. That, combined with her increasingly out-of-control alcoholism, pill-popping, and BPD, led to our parting of the ways a few years ago.

My dad mostly ignored it, but that was because it reminded him too much of his own repressed homosexuality, as I found out later. He and I have a good relationship now, but if he hadn't had that mid-life epiphany, I doubt I'd have much to do with him either.
 
papipaco said:
My parents were like that for awhile. Then I brought my boyfriend home and they absolutely fell in love with him. I think it put things in perspective for them and they finally saw how happy I was. Just give it time and enjoy your life. Live it for you, not them and they'll eventually come around. Don't shove it down their throats.
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lol, im not one of the guys who floats instead of walks. no throat shoving here... it will just come up sporadically about once a year it seems like. thanks though.
 
Seasoned said:
This is what I've learned over the course of my life when I was forced to listen to something I didn't want to react to. I imagine myself totally empty headed (no comments now, this is therapeutic) and the conversation directed towards me as smoke which goes in one ear circulates inside that empty head and finds it's way out the other ear.

Once you are out of the house sign them up as members of PFLAG. Perhaps they'll learn something from the literature.
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oh god, I've given them things when i was younger around 15 or 16, all the pamphlets, a book or two, everything... short or getting the gay neighbors involved. i do generally ignore it... just sometimes it just gets to me and i get agitated.
 
highwindcaleb said:
i do generally ignore it... just sometimes it just gets to me and i get agitated.
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What your parents don't realize is that this is your life and if they want to be a part of it for the long term, they'll come to grips with "it".

Otherwise, you'll graduate, leave and grow apart.
 
I think a lot of young gay people would be grateful for parents who only questioned them once a year. The rest of the time they are silent about it, but they still support you financially and otherwise. It could be worse, man. So much worse. You want their acceptance, but you need to accept them, too. Hopefully, when you become independent and start to date, they will be more accepting.

Good luck and be thankful for small blessings.
 
highwindcaleb said:
oh god, I've given them things when i was younger around 15 or 16, all the pamphlets, a book or two, everything... short or getting the gay neighbors involved. i do generally ignore it... just sometimes it just gets to me and i get agitated.
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Well, you've got excellent instincts. Wow, denial can be powerful especially when they are feeding off of each other's. What would happen if you tried a "correction" every time it came up with a calm, "mom, I'm gay," or, "dad, I'm gay," instead of waiting until you want to explode?" It almost sounds like reverse parenting is in order. I have a lot of sympathy for you. You seem like a person of great integrity and honesty. I hope for their sake you're not pushed away.
 
sixthson said:
I think a lot of young gay people would be grateful for parents who only questioned them once a year. The rest of the time they are silent about it, but they still support you financially and otherwise. It could be worse, man. So much worse. You want their acceptance, but you need to accept them, too. Hopefully, when you become independent and start to date, they will be more accepting.

Good luck and be thankful for small blessings.
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Seconded.

Consider yourself lucky mate. Better they deny it for now than kick you out. Go with the flow for a bit longer. Once you find a job and are able to stand on your own two feet, then you bring the boyfriend. Should anything happen, you're able to support yourself.

:-)
 
oh, don't get we wrong. i know this coulda gone in a much worse way. believe me when i say i am ecstatic that i only have this conversation yearly
 
I think it is their way of dealing with it. It could always be worse. People ignore many things that make them uncomfortable (like a wife who ignores the husband having an affair, turning a blind eye to drug use, or when people ignore their severe financial problems).

They are clearly in denial, if you want them to move on from that then you need to remind them you're gay. Mention it in context, bring boys over, mention people you're seeing- or invite any future boyfriends over. Be aware that if you confront them that could stir up emotions (especially anger). How much you want to confront the matter depends on how much you believe the relationship can stand, patience (it just takes time for people to accept things) and how important it is to you.
 
Just ignore them. And be nice.

But once you are out from under their thumb....feel free to tell them that it is none of their business at all.
 
i am just happy that i am leaving in January to begin university, going to college 4 hours away, but obviously i will be back home for breaks and such.
 
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