Partner coming out

[dangermouse]

Hi guys,

New to the forums and didn't even plan on writing something like this, but after seeing all these awesome advice from people like Lex and Lube I think I need to tap this resource

So a bit of background first. Me and my partner have been together almost 4 years now, and know we're both in this for the long haul. Im studying still, so Im still at home with the parents (depsite being 24) and he's finished his degree and is working, and lives out of home with a couple of lesbian friends. I'm completely out of the closet, and have been for a few years now, while my partner is out to everyone except his family (although a few of the younger cousins know, and one aunt).

And that's where my problem lies. He's very reluctant to come out to them (they're quite old, very traditional Indian catholics) and Ive always said to him that I'd never meet them as anything other than his boyfriend. I recently relaxed this restriction, in an effort to show him how cool it would be if he could mix both parts of his life

I've tried every rational and cogent argument I can think of to explain to him how it's better that he's out with them than not, and how he can't really have an open and honest relationship with them until he does. I always acknowledge the worst case scenarios as well, I know it could

1) You're at a stage in your life where nothing else can change to make it easier for you to come out to them, so the sooner you do it, the sooner the changes can happen

2) Is it a real relationship if half your life (and more, as we're together life) has to be obscured from them

3) Even if things do go badly, that weight on your shoulders that you carry will at least be lifted, and stop affecting other areas of your life

4) When we move in together, how are things going to be explained?

There's obviously more but those give the range. 3 and 4 are the ones that stick out to me the most, since I honestly believe that being in the closet to his family does affect other areas of his life. 4 is important to me because I dont want to go back in the closet again, especially when its so pointless, since his mum and dad do know (but repress the fact) he's gay (various things found on computers over the year, the complete lack of ever having a girlfriend and their not asking about them anymore). It'll be an elephant dancing in the ONE bedroom in the house when his parents come over for dinner, and it's like I'm the only one not willing to ignore it.

Ive even tried the guilt-trip (and I know I shouldnt because if the coming out backfires, I get the flak) story of "if you get sick/die what will it be like for me visiting you in hospital/going to your funeral". The problem is he rationally agrees with me, but we all know there's not much rationality when it comes to the closets.

So I guess that is my longwinded plea is for ideas, arguments or similar stories that can aid me in dragging my otherwise perfect boyfriend out of the last remaining closet in his life.

 

[spencer]

That's a toughy. You knew his deal going in. Did he say he eventually would come out to them?

 

[dangermouse]

It was definitely spoken about and agreed that it was 'lets work on it' type thing. When we first started dating he still lived at home and I made it clear that I was cool with him staying in the closet while he was at home, but that once he moved out it was something that needed to be dealt with.

The problem was that once he moved out, he didnt really have too much contact with them, and none that really interfered with me, so it was always something for 'later'.

 

[KaraBulut]

They know he's gay.

He knows that he should tell them about you.

By pressuring him, you're just being a nag at this point.

You would be better served by meeting them, being polite and respectful to them and just being included in family events.

If at some point your relationship becomes more committed- shared property, cohabitation, etc- then make sure your rights are protected with the proper legal documents.

But to interject yourself in the relationship between your boyfriend and his parents can eventually force him to make a choice. And you probably won't win when he chooses.

 

[G-Lexington]

I've been in your shoes. Some might say I AM in your shoes.

My partner's parents are both military folk, and rather conservative. In addition, the family dynamic is a lot different from mine. A lot of things are apparent but simply not talked about, discussed, or even brought up. It's a foreign way of dealing things for me, but then again, it's not my family.

When we first started dating, he was worried about what his parents would think, since he was still technically in the closet. He didn't want me to call myself his boyfriend in their presence. I decided I didn't mind that, so long as I didn't have to lie and say I was just his "friend". And he was cool with that.

So I met his parents. Not as his lover, nor as his friend. Just as "Lex". And they were pretty nice.

As time went on, that's what I remained - "Lex". Lex and he moved in together, Lex and he took a trip to the Caribbean together, then Lex and he bought a house together. I even joined him on a couple vacations with the parents. And when my grandmother died, they sent a card of condolence to my mother.

Despite this, I don't think either of the parents has ever said "my son is gay". They've never used the "g word" (gay) or "b word" (boyfriend) or "p word" (partner). I'm just "Lex". And I'm totally fine with that. Because this isn't my family, and isn't my family dynamic. If it's more comfortable for them to avoid all those terms, I'm fine with that. Because they've shown - in word and deed - that they understand, and they're accepting, and that I am part of the family. I personally don't see the need to drag them further out of their comfort zones.

Some have found this a bit shocking, and stated I'm "perpetrating a lie". I personally don't think so. I assume that relationships come with some compromises. Yeah, I'd prefer if I could just say I'm his "partner". But I'm betting HE wishes...oh, I don't know. That my mom wouldn't take so many pictures when we go visit, for instance. To me, it's just one of the things you end up dealing with. I decided I was OK with it - again, so long as I didn't have to lie about it.

It may be you AREN'T comfortable with those terms. That either he introduces you as your boyfriend, or you're not meeting with them. In which case, that's your call to make.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

And when my grandmother died, they sent a card of condolence to my mother.

In his parent's generation, this small gesture speaks volumes on what they know and what they've accepted, even if it's never discussed.

 

[dangermouse]

Thanks for the responses guys, I really appreciate it.

At this point, I AM willing to do what you've done Lex, obviously I'd prefer it if things were out in the open, but if that's the only manageable situation, then I'll take whatever I can get. The problem is that he's stalling even on that.

We actually ended up having a discussion about it when I mentioned to him that I hadnt seen his family since his birthday and what I gathered from our talk was that he's basically been trying to do what his family does, and ignore the problem, which we've established is not the right way to go about it, at the very least we need an open dialogue about this.

So I guess Im curious as to how you actually go about it Lex? Did your partner one day just invite you to a family function, or do you set it up so that it's more an incremental exposure, because im not really sure how to slide myself into the scene. Did your partner say "This is Lex, he's going to be coming to dinner from now on?"

You're definitely right about making compromises, there's no way im going anywhere when in so many other respects he's an absolutely awesome boyfriend

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>So I guess Im curious as to how you actually go about it Lex? Did your partner one day just invite you to a family function, or do you set it up so that it's more an incremental exposure, because im not really sure how to slide myself into the scene. Did your partner say "This is Lex, he's going to be coming to dinner from now on?"

I guess it was different for us, since his parents live two thousand miles away. I first met them not at their place, but at someplace about 50 miles from their home. Neutral ground, you might call it. And it was just "Mom, Dad, this is Lex." I said hi, they said hi, and we started chatting about some random thing. After that, I'd see them from time to time. His father likes to travel cross-country, and we'd meet up with him (and some of his friends) for dinner or whatnot.

Lex

 

[Lube]

Interesting perspectives. Allow me to share my perspective. It may not be right for you, but it's right for me.

I share some of your problems (my bf, despite protestations to the contrary, isn't really out and proud) but, I think, have some differences (he's almost a generation older than me, and as KaraBulut says, things can be different; also, I was in denial for 40+ years).

Basically, when I came out to myself 3 years ago, I decided this closet shit was for the birds. I was never going to go back in the closet, nor hang around people who were perpetually there. You could say I became militant about it. But I was tired of lying to myself and everyone else. It accomplished nothing.

Anyway, fast-forward 2 years to when I met my bf. He seemed surprised by my semi-militancy but said he was out. Ha ha. Well, it turns out he had never actually said he was gay to anyone. Now, you can argue (as I, myself, have) that coming out doesn't mean screaming "I'm gay" and waving rainbow flags. However, when the point came up directly, he would lie.

My favorite example happened just a couple months ago. I went to visit him at work for lunch. He introduced me to a coworker. The coworker was like, "So, how do you guys know each other? Is [Lube] your... neighbor?". I laughed inside, but didn't say anything; it's his coworker, so my bf had to say something, I felt. He paused... and paused... and paused... and said, "yeah, he's my neighbor". I was stunned and laughing and incredulous all at the same time (all in my head--I didn't say a word).

After we got home we had a good laugh. Obviously, the coworker doesn't think we're neighbors, but my bf, it turns out, just can't physically say 'gay' or 'boyfriend' to other people. Generational? Perhaps. But it's something I can't abide.

But... rather than forcing him to say it (or breaking up), I gave him another option: What if I say it? Well, he has no problems with that. So that's the new plan.

It worked splendiforously recently when, over Christmas Eve dinner, I met his ex-wife's parents. Talk about a generation gap: they're about 90 years old. Now, surely his ex-wife (who I've met several times, and who seems to be a wonderful person) had told her parents about my bf and me. Well, when I met them, I just said, "Hi, I'm [Lube] and this is my mom [Sara]," at which point the ex-mother-in-law surprisingly asked, "Oh, and you are...?" as in, "Why are you here--what's your relationship--how do you know these people?".

Well, I hesitated a second and then thought, "Hey, man, I don't care how old these people are. They're not stupid. Surely they know what's going on. If she can ask a question like that, I'm entitled to answer it."

So, without skipping a beat, I said, "I'm [Ed's] boyfriend." With a smile and a handshake. Ha ha. I don't think she expected me to say that. She hesitated for a couple seconds, recovered, and then we had a splendid evening together!

Now, everyone might not have the same experience. These were very bright people who traveled a lot. They've been exposed to a lot, I'm sure. Sure, they're "older" and from a "different generation", but, hey, too fucking bad. Sorry, that's how I feel.

I'm not going to cower so that someone else doesn't have to feel uncomfortable. I did that too long in my life. I'm over it.

But I totally understand that everyone doesn't feel that way.

Whatever works for you.