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Partner not interested in having sex anymore.

The way I see your situation is that the spark that existed between you and your partner has died for whatever reason. People fall in love, people fall out of love. That can be painful for one or both. Something may have changed in the dynamic between you two. Do you think it is the weight gain? Have you talked to him about your weight to get any feeling whether that is a sore subject with him?

You said that you take care of his needs. Are those his emotional needs or his physical needs you are referring to? He obviously is not right now taking care of your emotional needs, which is making you very unhappy and feeling insecure. You need to talk it out, preferably ith your partner. But if he won't communicate meaningfully, maybe talking here will help. JUB is here for you. Best of luck, jessie.
 
I am just gonna say it....

The weight gain could definitely have something to do with it..everything maybe.

If he doesn't want to say it openly..there is good reason. I was on another gay board before where the guy said he was leaving his BF because he gained weight and the room went wild...you would have thought he murdered 1000 people ....and I started to think about it and what I concluded....the outrage was a bit fake in the end because there are a lot of people who might feel the same way but are to chicken to admit it to anyone..or to themselves....

Straight people have been dealing with this forever...the wife or husband gains weight and the sexual attraction dies.....and it sounds shallow and empty to say it out loud....

Is it shallow and empty? It depends on a lot of factors and the individuals involved. I don't think anything can really change unless there is honesty...and a lot of people are simply not going to be honest about this with themselves or others because it sounds bad...and the village may grab their torches and pitchforks and come after them if they do....

That might explain his silence....

I don't KNOW this is the case...but from what you wrote..it is my initial thought so I am throwing it in the mix for you to consider.....
 
To be completly honest I THINK THATS it also. IT would be kinda lke the kettle calling the pot black cause he has gained almost 30 lbs also. It doesnt affect me i love him for him. This to me is the only explanation that makes sense. I have had weight troubles and eating disorders all my life. thankfully i have over come them. It makes me sad that one person I have been thru so much with could even look at my weight and not want me.

I would never treat anyone like that no matter what I would talk to them and express what i felt. I get so mad when he just sits there and stares at me while i am trying to fight for us. I feel he is letting go. I am daily growing weary and i am tired of it.

Again I can't thank yall enough for being here for me..
 
jessie39 said:
To be completly honest I THINK THATS it also. IT would be kinda lke the kettle calling the pot black cause he has gained almost 30 lbs also. It doesnt affect me i love him for him. This to me is the only explanation that makes sense. I have had weight troubles and eating disorders all my life. thankfully i have over come them. It makes me sad that one person I have been thru so much with could even look at my weight and not want me.

I would never treat anyone like that no matter what I would talk to them and express what i felt. I get so mad when he just sits there and stares at me while i am trying to fight for us. I feel he is letting go. I am daily growing weary and i am tired of it.

Again I can't thank yall enough for being here for me..
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Ahhh...if he has gained weight too..he could be uncomfortable with intimacy or sex with anyone else. I had to confront this myself as I was physically fit and the same weight for most of my life but in my late 40s...I gained weight. My BF liked the weight gain...a little too much for my liking actually..but my "new body" made ME uncomfortable...

I got past it for the most part...but I had to put it on the table in order to do so. You can't ever deal with anything if you are not going to acknowledge a problem exists and he might be a head in the sand kind of guy from what you describe....

So you have to ask yourself if it is worth it or not to continue with this guy? It isn't always an easy thing to do as there are usually alot of conflicting emotions...so take your time and do what is best for you.....
 
jessie39 said:
... He doesnt touch me, kiss me, cuddle me, or talk to me about it. I kinda feel like he is over our relationship and is to afraid of telling me. We have had talks about there is more than penetration that can happen that would make me happy. He just looks at me and doesnt do anything...
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If he were to have sex with you, it wouldn't change anything for the long term.

Sex is the symptom here. The true cause is the lack of communication and honesty about the issue. Unless he's willing to be honest about whatever the issue is and unless he's willing to work through it, there's really not much of a future here. You will continue to be unhappy and feel unfulfilled and the communication will continue to deteriorate.

Sex doesn't make a healthy relationship. It is often a barometer that gives you a read on the health of a relationship. From your description, this one is not healthy and unless you're willing to continue waiting for something to change, it's time for you to move on.
 
it is hard to talk about serious problems with someone who pretends they don't exist. I have been patient we have had sex 2 times this year. been intimate maybe 4 times. I feel like i have done my part and if e doesn't snap out of this Im going to move on. I am too young to waste my life on someone who isnt going to take the time to care for my needs emotionally and physically. I try to touch him and kiss him. He acts likes its a bother. Unless he wants something from me or me to something for me todo. I handle all the business for us and help im understand things that doesnt make sense. I feel like I give and give and im not getting anything in return, I knw this is probably a restatement of what I probably said earlier.

Thanks guys for your honest opinions.

Honesty works the best for me
 
jessie39 said:
... I am too young to waste my life on someone who isnt going to take the time to care for my needs emotionally and physically.
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Because it bears repeating: don't focus solely upon sex in a relationship as the measure of a happy or healthy relationship.

All relationships go through bad times. There will be times when one or both of the people in the relationship isn't carrying their weight.

What's wrong here is that your boyfriend isn't talking about the problems in the relationship and he isn't putting the effort into trying to address the issues. That's what you should avoid in any future relationship.
 
KaraBulut said:
Because it bears repeating: don't focus solely upon sex in a relationship as the measure of a happy or healthy relationship.

All relationships go through bad times. There will be times when one or both of the people in the relationship isn't carrying their weight.

What's wrong here is that your boyfriend isn't talking about the problems in the relationship and he isn't putting the effort into trying to address the issues. That's what you should avoid in any future relationship.
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Thank you it just clicked im my head. What i cant live withut is communication! The rest of thing come and go i agree. I must have communication. And not just some BS to pacify me I need real heart to heart. Nothing can change unless this happens..
 
You have only been together 4 years----if you were together 10 or 20 years I'd say try to save it---but you don't even sleep over with each other---thats weird to me. So---I'd hit the gym---pull myself together and start dating. Unless I'm missing some special thing you have with him. But I'd still tell him I want an open relationship for now.
 
jessie39 said:
Thank you it just clicked im my head. What i cant live withut is communication! The rest of thing come and go i agree. I must have communication. And not just some BS to pacify me I need real heart to heart. Nothing can change unless this happens..
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I hear you...I would have a problem with no communication as well......

Put this on the table for him with no malice or force...just let him know that this is a necessary thing for you to be able to move forward. Give him the ball with no strings.....see what he does with it. Try to be as kind and non confrontational as possible and leave the emotions at the door so he can see it with his own eyes...be straightforward and completely honest.

That will tell you what you need to know IMO.
 
You talked about sex, about relationship, about communication, about the business part of your relationship, but unless I missed it, you left out love.

You want honesty?
It sounds to me like you have already moved on. All that's left is the headstone and summoning the bagpipes. RIP
 
Don't make any threats you're not willing to follow through on, but if you think the relationship is worth saving you could give him the ultimatum of couple's counseling or a break up.
 
offthewall14420 said:
Yeah, sex is about power and that asshole is withholding it on purpose.
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we had a talk/argument and now he has decided that the reason we dont have sex or intimacy is because i dont show public affection. I have never been one to show anyone this in public. we live in south Louisiana. Their is alot of hate and mean people who arent accepting of this. I dont want to be put in a position where i feel uncomfortable. So he has told me to be exact " I can't give you what you need unless you give me Public affection. I mean who does that if you love me you wouldnt make me do something i didnt feel comfortable with........
 
eastofeden said:
I hear you...I would have a problem with no communication as well......

Put this on the table for him with no malice or force...just let him know that this is a necessary thing for you to be able to move forward. Give him the ball with no strings.....see what he does with it. Try to be as kind and non confrontational as possible and leave the emotions at the door so he can see it with his own eyes...be straightforward and completely honest.

That will tell you what you need to know IMO.
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East, I tried to talk with him on an adult level and it turned into a damn argument over what i dont do for him. Again it is his tv show all about him. I am here trying to figure things out. I should be able to talk to him about all these issues and not be yelled at. And the bad side of me is I DONT BACK DOWN. So when i feel threatened or yelled at i am coming for the throat so i have to check myself during any discussion. i cant thank you guys enough for listening to me ramble. it helps so much to get it out of my head.
 
jessie39 said:
we had a talk/argument and now he has decided that the reason we dont have sex or intimacy is because i dont show public affection. I have never been one to show anyone this in public. we live in south Louisiana. Their is alot of hate and mean people who arent accepting of this. I dont want to be put in a position where i feel uncomfortable. So he has told me to be exact " I can't give you what you need unless you give me Public affection. I mean who does that if you love me you wouldnt make me do something i didnt feel comfortable with........
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Well, you wanted honesty and communication and you got it.

A couple of thoughts:
  1. In these brutally honest discussions, it's easy to hear what the other person says as a fact or an accusation. It is neither. It's a statement of how he feels. It can be totally and utterly wrong from your viewpoint but in the end, it is hard to argue with a feeling. Think of it as something that you will do to address how your partner feels, whether you agree with it or not.
  2. One thing that you have to be aware of in these discussions is that when you reach a "Oh, really. Well, let me tell you about you..." point, it's not helping. These discussions only work if you are both willing shut up, to listen and to allow your partner to say how they feel without argument or interruption. And you both have to be willing to change. So, if you're not willing to address his feelings to be affectionate in public and he's not willing to address your desire to have sex more often, then you have both wasted each others' time.
 
Couple's counseling allows the therapist to referee and allows the partners to practice fair fighting rules. Your partner employed "switching," which is a distraction. He can bring up anything he'd like, but not in the middle of your topic.
 
I don't believe that having a good relationship means one really has to work hard at it. If it's that hard, it's probably not worth it. Having a good relationship should be about enjoying one anothers' company and having a level of happiness and love for the other that working out the occasional problems and tough times is worth it. The way you have described the relationship, neither of you seem to make the other happy, so it may be time to decide if that is the case and move on.
 
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