Passive-aggressive relationship?

[weinerslav]

"You have a lot of anger toward the passive aggressive man you are involved with. You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while."

I read this 2 days ago...

I was in a 9 year relationship, we started very young, since the beginning there were a lot of issues, he was a very pampered boy by his whole family... He would be weird to the point that I couldn't eat more than him or eat the leftovers without sharing. I was the one cooking and cleaning the house or putting up a fight about that and he wouldn't do much, complaining it was all him, he also had some tendencies to hording, keeping all kind of paperwork in piles that I couldn't touch or having tons of deodorant spray cans all of them only with a bit at the bottom. He would not talk to me for days, pouting if he was annoyed with something or we had a discussion, he would always say I was right in the end. There were some severe blows in his familiar life and I noticed he had a pattern to cut off people from his life, friends, family, and to attract people that made him "harm". After his parents death I was his family and my family was his family and he refused to deal with what happened... I was understanding, what else could I do? Things kept getting worse, any time there was a problem he would answer, this is just a phase, it will pass, and avoid more discussion. Sex life was never amazing but it got worse, he made me feel guilty for wanting more, I could never start something, he would deny it, even if I would make him orgasm, he would turn the back on me and say he didn't wanted it and he wouldn't touch me. He disliked valentine, romantic nights, sex nights, we wouldn't even do back rubs on me if I was in pain because he disliked it, it was boring! He wouldn't celebrate anything, I was not entitled to a proper gift, once he bought a supersonic toothbrush for him that had another one free and I got it as a Christmas gift! Another time I got a gift certificate (how thoughtful) that when I went to spend he already had spend a part to buy his sister a book! At some point if I didn't ask for something I would get nothing, it got to a point when I got a "supersonic" toothbrush head!!! But my family would always get the best, such a gentleman he was. Then he started putting pressure on me to support him, because he wanted to stay home with our future children, I was working with photography, being paid poorly for a job that was a great opportunity for my career, I wouldn't mind because it was about building a CV, but he couldn't stop complaining it was worthless, but he was very proud went I got a prize, even saying I was mean when I said he was never supportive and asked why was he so happy, go figure! In the meanwhile there wasn't a job good enough for him, if there was work he was a slave, if had to sit, it was boring because he was alone and he could only watch youtube. At home, we where usually apart, him watching youtube, me some movie or reading something. At some point I could only stand him with friends around so most of the nights we would go out for dinner or coffee. The sex life became non existing, I was trying to reach a limit situation so we could break up, I was feeling so dirty for wanting to get out, he was so weak, so lonely in the world, I had to protect him... Our affection was like old friends, a kiss on the forehead or very quickly on the lips, and I was feeling worse and worse with myself, I got fat, feeling ugly, undesirable, I had to go abroad for work for 1,5 months, he went with me the first week and for the whole week we only had 3 quick kisses on the lips, nothing else, but he seemed to care a lot for me... I decided it was enough and a few days after his return we discussed on the phone, he would only cry and cry, saying how much he missed me, and I attacked him saying I felt like a pet, pointing out many of the situations where I felt disrespected, that I knew I wasn't having sex but that he was watching porn anyway and so on... Then suddenly he got job abroad, I had to return to take care of the apartment and the dog, the 2 weeks we were together were terrible, he was trying to manipulated me in every way, terrible fights, all the sex I could have (more in 2 weeks than in the full last year!) and any pretext would be good for him to point the finger and say I was a lousy boyfriend, that I wouldn't do errands with him, that if something happened to him I wouldn't care and so on... He went off, and I couldn't care less... He cried many times on the phone, that the job was this and that, that he couldn't take it, and I started falling towards the pity side again... Poor him, so lonely, so unprotected, only I could save him! Then when using his computer at our flat I found out that he had dating profiles from the night when we discussed on the phone on, I made one myself and started talking to him until I revealed who I was and broke up. He collapsed, I had so much hate for him but still couldn't stop thinking, he has no one else in the world... He needs help... I tried to making him go see some professional help, he refused because for him that would be just for weak people, but he would do couple therapy if I wanted... I refused, at that time I stopped thinking about moving with him again, I was trying to help him so I could get out and be sure he would be ok. Time passed by and half year later we met for a weekend, I had lost weight, was working hard to recover my sanity, I could see the shine in his eyes... and I realized I didn't felt anything for him, I was numb, totally numb... I could only feel sorry for him... The first night was very passionate, I started wondering about that maybe he had changed, and the next 3 days he was back to be the same he was, caring more about playing on my tablet, and I became distant again. We went apart and I told him what was wrong and that if he wanted me back it had to change, he cried again... At some point someone else came up in my life and I felt I had to make a decision, I told my now ex, let's meet and decide this for good... I said I would give him a last chance and so it was, he even started talking about marriage, he refused to marry but since I wanted it he now was considering it. A month after we met, it was very weird for both of us and when he returned, a few days later, he said he was in love with someone else and we should break up, always saying that it wasn't about being in love but because he didn't felt anything for me when we were together. I was very sad, I cared a lot about him but I also didn't feel anything. Soon enough I realized he started dating the guy the day after we broke and moved together soon... I was pissed, very pissed, he victimized himself all along, while always looking for a substitute situation, and as soon as he got it, he dumped me! Still I kept on feeling guilt, a lot of guilt, I couldn't stop thinking if he was ok, if his needs where being taking care of, if he was really needing professional help, all that kept consuming me and consuming me while at the same time I was feeling bitter for his lack of respect for me. We eventually reestablished contact, and he was acting very superior and good willing, spreading peace and happiness to the world, so ridiculously happy with life and responsible, until some old business between us come up (i.e. the flat, his dog that I spend 1,5 years taking care of) and he starts victimizing himself again, how the time frames are too short, or if he really needs to be the one taking care of that, how he misses my family but he will not see them again because he has to come alone, and so on... The pity came up again, oh poor guy, I abandoned him alone, a child lost in the world, he just did that because he was so lonely, I kind of feel happy he found someone, I'm the mean person, etc, etc.... Until I read that above... I know I am a fighter, and I fought many of his actions while together, and for that I always felt guilt, because I couldn't be better or more dedicated... Even more in the end. I read a lot about it and suddenly I felt free from all the guilt, I'm not the deranged mean one, I carried a relationship on my back, I was the only one fighting for it, he could just victimize himself!!!!

I talked to a few friends about this, they made fun of me, they say relationship are always like this, that I'm making a storm in a glass of water, but I really think he has some kind of disorder, most probably a passive-aggressive one. My friends put up with me all this time, they were great, but they don't understand the guilt I felt, they think I just don't want to move on or deal with the failure but I felt, until I read about Passive-Aggressive people, that I wasn't understood, that I was an horrible person, that I was guilty, that I would never deserve the love of someone, that I should still help my ex in any way... And when I read something that described my relationship by the writing of people I never met, a weight lifted from my chest... It's not a matter of blaming him, I am the one to blame, I just felt misunderstood, unable to explain what was going on, what I felt.



I would like to ask you guys if I'm overreacting, that this is what is supposed to happen in a relationship, no matter what I think, I would like to know if this can be a valid hypothesis or if I'm just crazy...


And to finish, something about passive-aggressive relationship that I think it can sum it up:
"Want a relationship with a passive aggressive man to last? Become a mind reader and keep your expectations low."

 

[bankside]

This is not usual for a healthy relationship.

It sounds like his mental health or his mental development stops him from being a good boyfriend, even if he wanted to be.

Maybe he is a sociopath, maybe he knows how to manipulate you to make you unhappy.

Or maybe he has just never learned how to be sociable with other people, and he just doesn't realize how unromantic and hurtful it is to give someone a leftover toothbrush or a half-used gift card. Something like autism could stop him from automatically understanding that when it is obvious to everyone else. If that is the case it wouldn't even really be his fault, and that insight will never come easily to him. Not only that but when someone struggles to understand basic social situations, it can leave them being immature for a while and not ready to take on adult responsibilities, like work, as quickly as the rest of us. Also the manipulation is maybe more child-like and whiney and immature and obvious, than like an adult taking advantage of someone deliberately.

Either way, even though you were with him, his actions left you still feeling lonely.

If he truly enjoyed being cruel, then you escaped!

But usually cruel people will use you and move on, or live a double life and use other people too. He seemed to just kind of sit there haplessly, not knowing what to do or why. It makes me think if there is something wrong with him, it is probably more like autism. If so, maybe if he works very very hard with a therapist he could learn to be a better boyfriend to someone.

But whether he does or not, you are free, and you owe him nothing.

 

[weinerslav]

Thank you so much for your reply bankside

It's curious you say that about autism, it was the first thing that came up to my mind when I realized his odd behavior, but I don't think it's possible to have almost two split personalities, a gentleman for the world and so disconnected and even mean to his boyfriend.

And I agree that he wanted to be a good boyfriend, but in the fear of loss he would try to destroy my self esteem, he always saw me as better than him, but I never felt it was the case, we were just different. I'm not sure he enjoyed being cruel, he was just manipulative, and I just realized recently he's doing stuff behind my back with some punishment intention, it seems that his friendliness has been a poisoned gift...

I guess that indeed, what really matters is that I'm free, I was just wondering if all this have a name for me to understand better what happened...

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Bi-Polar. Sociopath. Rude. Spoiled. Anti-Social. ... there are a lot of terms that probably could be used, and we as humans always want to know WHY something doesn't work out, and what makes things tick... but figuratively speaking, your house is on fire. You don't need to know the cause of the fire to know that you need to get out and save yourself.

You're not responsible for fixing him or standing by him. He certainly isn't showing you the same concerns for you and has demonstrated he will find someone else to be a parasite to if you're not around to cater to his unreasonable demands.

You can do better. Walk away. Tell yourself you deserve better than that and believe it.

 

[weinerslav]

Thank you for your reply borg69unimatrix

I guess you're right, the name of the problem maybe doesn't matter, I guess the most important thing was to realize I never should have felt guilty, and if it was on purpose or not, even if it was the most innocent thing possible that made things the way they were, I still had to get out of there, because I was never seen as someone worthy, I was just something to fill in his needs, while he ignored mine continuously...

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Your lover sounds a lot like me in the relationship before my last one, my first one that lasted several years. Are you sure you aren't being a tad bit overbearing?

His sanity is hardly your concern. Your job is to get along with your boyfriend.
Your not supposed to be his mother or his therapist.

Your friends are probably right on this one.

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In case you were wondering, I still see him from time to time.

 

[weinerslav]

Thank you for your reply Harke the Boeotarch

Overbearing? How? Assuming he has issues? But that I'm sure of, everybody close to him thinks the same, but most think it's depressions, well, me too until I read about P-A hence the question here... I'm not saying he has issues just because, I know we wasn't able to deal with things in his life and has a lot of repressed anger.

I became his closest family at 27 (or only since he has a weird relationship with his only sister), I think I would be hardly human if I stopped caring for someone I had to take care off the way I did, I know it was not my part but I was the one there, sometimes we don't have any other choice, that's why I became detached from him as a boyfriend but never stopped caring, even if he could have had manipulated me to do so in the end.

Can I ask why did it happen in your case? It just happened to be that way?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

^ He had very narrow ideas about how certain things should be done, and if I did them my way he usually never approved. I ended up feeling very crowded. I almost never disapproved of anything he did. When I needed to do things in the house he tended to need to be in the drawers in front of me... etc. etc. He also wasn't honest about it.

From your post it seems you might be doing the same thing. I don't think it's an interesting place to take your relationship. He needs to be given his space.

 

[Telstra]

I can't read the whole post but it seems like he got a lot of mental personal baggage.
Very negative person and a selfish person to live with.

 

[weinerslav]

Thank you for your reply Harke the Boeotarch

Actually it would be the opposite, when I was washing the dishes we would come and control the way I was washing and setting them to dry, many discussions came up because I would put a big dish in from of a small one... He would complain about the way I made the bed (he wanted knots on the corners, I didn't use to do it), cleaned or even cooked. I cook a lot, it's something that I enjoy, and I love to have someone in the kitchen, except him while we were together, he would complain about anything, every time there was a reason, in the end I would be stubborn, send him out of the kitchen and cook my way, he would always say, "oh, it's good after all"


Thank you for your reply Telstra

Sorry for the long post, I wrote way too much, I know, but at some point I lost track of it, and honestly writing it was good in the sense that I came back here a few times and read it all to remember why we got apart and why I should feel I'm still responsible for him. I think you're right, the more I read it the more dysfunctional it all seems to me, I can't understand why people stay in this things, much less understand why I stayed!

 

[weinerslav]

Sorry, meant "shouldn't feel I'm still responsible for him"

 

[Seasoned]

Relationships are meant to uplift if they are healthy ones. Both partners ought to be equals with regards to status and respect. How things are decided and divided is up to the couple, but both ought to contribute what they can. You don't need to have a jury help you decide how you ought to think or feel about this relationship. You have the right to enter and exit relationships as you wish.

 

[weinerslav]

Hi Seasoned, thank you for your reply

I agree with you but I feel drained, I realized I'm not able to judge what is/was right or wrong, I second guess myself, I deny my own instincts, I'm considering looking for some professional help, I even wonder if I wasn't the deranged one, I don't think I need some kind of treatment but I do think I need some orientation, it's not about blaming, it's actually about taking responsibility for letting things drain me the way they did