"Life, however we cut it, is a matter of commitment"
Well, Bois and Guyz, the damnedest thing happened to me on the way to my blog last week, I got the very first comment from anyone at JUB about something they saw in my blog. Now it’s not like no one is looking at it. It gets 50-60 hits a day at the current rate of traffic flow.
Perhaps they’re looking for my galleries. I hear the word is getting out that it’s got a lot of hot gorgeous guyz of all types in it, a real eclectic select collection.
Who knows what’s going on? I can’t figure it out. Perhaps the blog articles are too serious, or too long, or too offensive, or too scary, or too inane, or too deep? It beats me! No one has been talking back to me, or leaving feedback or reflections.
So here comes this guy out of no where, and leaves a comment, and an interesting one, at that! The comment is on the previous blog entry, #20, "Being Honest about Being Gay". It’s a pretty serious and critical comment.
It reads:
"Thanks for a very thoughtful discourse. You really could have emphasized the importance of being honest about heterosexuality as well. I was glad you cited Kinsey.
Our culture really doesn’t allow one to be very "up front" in acknowledging the strange twists of fantasy thoughts and to explore the real life implications of our deepest fantasies. I relate too much of what you write in my own experience. Yes, it (another path in life) might have been as full as the path chosen; but I was fortunate in not being rushed to define myself with any finality.
Life, however we cut it, is a matter of commitment. I wish I could find less fever to declare oneself as gay, bi, straight, or whatever, and more testimony to the joys to be had in commitment to a person. A life of sexual promiscuity, a life without commitment, is, in my observation an invitation to trouble.
I withhold judgement on what many JUBs reveal of themselves, and I do not think that "what has worked for me" is necessarily going to work for anyone else. And, I hope your offering will be studied by many who are honestly confused."
We, the guy from out of no where and I, had a little PM exchange over this. I wrote to him:
"Many thanks for:
1. The very first comment ever that I received from the Jub "general public"(I was starting to wonder what I was
doing wrong); and
2. For the deep sensitivity of your thoughts.
3. Your response has inspired me to write about commitment. So I shall be pondering this, thanks to you."
Now, what triggered this was a comment I had made to a gay Christian guy who was planning to "get cured" and become Hetero:
"Honestly, it would be better to serve God either through celibacy if you could do that fruitfully, or as a single Gay man living in dignity and joy, or through a loving life-giving committed lifelong Gay Partnership (Marriage) and a possible Adoptive Gay Parenthood that enabled you to honor and live out your own self truth as a Gay person created in the image and likeness of Divine Love.
It is the life of God-like, God-filled Selfless Love we live in our daily life in this world that begins and determines our Eternity. If you create for yourself and dwell in a living hell and drag others into it as your unwitting victims, you will have completely missed the whole meaning and purpose of your life and of your relationship with God. Look before you leap!!!
I will pray for you and your searching of your heart. I hope others will do the same. May God Keep and Help ALL of Us!"
So there you have the context for these thoughts on committed relationships, life partnerships, civil unions or Gay Marriages, whatever you want to call them or view them as. Just remember:
"Wouldn’t a Rose, called by any other name, smell just as sweet?"
You bet it would!
Curiously, for the past several months, I’ve been dialoguing with a few friends about Gay relationships in different ways. So, what I’d like to do is share excerpts from those dialogues to build a case for considering committed relationships as a goal for Gay relational life.
I think this one is highly focused on eyes. It's very dramatic and in some instances is deeply moving.
Ancient wisdom has it that the eyes are the windows of the soul. There is a profound truth! If that is so, perhaps this exploration of male beauty is a search for the transcendent, for the divine.
As I pondered my own drivenness in this search, I keep on wondering if that isn't what it's been all about...a search for the transcendent, for the divine.
That would be consistent with the rest of my life. It has been involved very directly in mystical spirituality.
Now, to be a Gay man in search of "the one" may mean we are trying to become the men we are meant to be or can be. We try to do this by completing ourselves through a union with another man who has the complementary qualities and attributes that we need to develop, via positive transference, to eventually grow into a whole person.
Human history tells us that when two such persons collide in their mutual complementarity, you end up with a couple. Yet their coupling in not just physical, but embraces every aspect of their beings, so that the two become one on many different planes.
That's the original meaning of EROS as a type of love. That's what makes sexuality so much larger and more complex than being just sensuous physical gentility.
So, my friend, we are kindred spirits, exploring the same inner territory. I hope this rings true to you. If it does in some way, it means I have finally found someone who is on the same Gay wavelength that I am. You are not just another superficial Gay guy whacked out of his mind with testosterone poisoning. It's a lonely Gay life when you are serious..."
I received this reply:
"Wow, what a message, it contains such deep meaning and thought."
"As I am still searching for 'the one', sometimes I wonder if it is because I want to be 'the one' myself".
Well, it is true you are searching for your personal "the one", your Mr. Right. He exists and is out there, and you will find him in God's good time when you are ready and alert, awake and fully receptive to recognizing his true inner beauty.
All these guys we revel in looking at and studying, are physicalized icons of that inner male beauty that we really need, to complete ourselves as men. This is why it is a little dangerous to dwell excessively on outer superficial appearances as the be all and end all of masculine desirability.
Now as to the proposition that you want to be "the one", the good news is you are "the one", and are intended to be "the one" for "the one/Mr. Right", who is intended for you. You will compliment him in the ways he needs with your qualities and attributes, and he will compliment you with his attributes and qualities in the ways you need. Over time you will grow through love together into a whole (the two became one heart and soul and mind), and the reality of your union, your living communion as a couple will be much greater than just the sum of the two individuals involved, just as the coupled life will be much greater than just the lives of the two individuals involved.
"I really like the idea of your reply and maybe I will expand the meaning of attraction as a topic in my blog in the future"...
You know, because you are young, brilliant, creative, sexual, sexy, masculine, intellectually and spiritually attractive and aesthetic (all the things I love about you and love you for!), you and your Blog could probably help a lot of searching men in seeking a deeper meaning and understanding and direction in their Gay life. Quite frankly, that's one of the biggest problems Gay men face today, and there are scant resources to help them. (I still don't know whether or not I have really seen your picture anywhere, however as I have previously written you, your physical appearance at this point in our relationship is irrelevant, because I've seen your inner beauty, "The One" you are! And he is awesome!!! It is clear to me, you are quite a treasure, and anyone whom you are meant to be with, will be extremely fortunate and blessed to be with you and to have you and to hold you. It was beautiful how you wrote of your situation and your willingness to wait to do it right. Good for you. You won't regret it. Love and caring are what make sex human and something different than what animals do instinctively. That’s what I would hope and pray for that would happen to you: lots of love, caring, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, commitment and sweetness. It will bring you happiness and fulfillment greater than the challenges and vulnerability that come with such relationships. May God bring you soon to "The One" for you, so that you may be "The One" for him. I’m sure, with your serious focus, you will find "the one", and will be "the one" to him, too! That is what I’ve always wished for my children and Godchildren, and I wish it for you, too!"
In another part of the dialogue I wrote to my friend:
"It’s finally dawned on me why I strive to know you and know about you. As Carl Jung would say, you are an archetypal symbol of transformation for me."
This is paramount to saying that I positively transfer certain qualities from my friend to myself that I need to develop. In that sense, his person nourishes me, instructs me, and mentors me. On a much larger scale, two guys who are in love with each other are transferring positively to each other, helping each other grow in ways that they would never really be able to do without each other. This helps their mutual attraction and serves as a mysterious source of mutual interest in each other. Of course, the kinds of major things they need to transfer to each other will probably take most of a lifetime together to accomplish. To do that they will need to sustain a stable commited relationship with each other.
"You,my friend, through your website, have created a profound natural curiosity about yourself, and an interest and a desire to "know" you. Now, this desire is predicated, not on your hotness alone, which you evidently have in abundance, but something much greater and more important, on your "real-ness", your Personhood and your personal integrity and authenticity. So don't be naively surprised that guys enthusiastically respond to you more than the hot fantasy fashion models on your site. You are really REAL for them! And that is extraordinary in an artificial, plastic world.
Meanwhile, I was quite whipped up with the "Who Am I" song you posted and it's exploration of relational failure. Sadly, people hook up with and become intimately involved in emotionally damaging ways,with persons they were not meant to be with, to have these relationships inevitably not work out and end bitterly.
The lesson in this is: When you meet and find "the one", and he finds you as "the one" for him, one of the overall signs to both of you will be the desire and ability to put the other first and "forget" self, going beyond self, for the love and good of the other. In this is the joy and the felicity of "True Love". A Love that is self-transcendent and thus totally unitive, beyond barriers and limits, a love partaking of the infinite and participating in the divine. The only love that is worth anything, because it is faithful and true and totally dedicated to the other. A love that causes a reality to exist that is even larger than the couple who are lovers.
Meanwhile the lesson from your analysis of the songs lyrics tells a sad relational truth:
"Lyrically though it's weepily intriguing. An intelligent examination of a relationship's end laced with regret, in it the guy tells his ex-boyfriend that number one comes first. "Why couldn't I ever put you first?" He Laments"
Selfishness is the death of Love!
In the most recent turn of events in our dialogue, I sensed a natural change in my friend, and a deeper need to become more active in pursuing his relational life:
"You have me wondering if your feeling inner pressure to begin your active interpersonal sex life now. Not knowing your living situation, or how much live human support you have in your daily life, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are that you find the happiness you desire.
This is easier said than done, especially for a person of your sensitivity and your lofty ideals. I'm actually amazed that sheer animal passion hadn't swept you away a long time ago. I sense you are a passionate person and live with the dynamic tensions that passion brings with it. When I was in this situation, and at my bursting point when I was thirty-five, I thought it was going to drive me mad.
I don't know if you are saving yourself for "the one" exclusively as the only one, or could see your way clear to being with a "good one" for your first time. While there is great merit in the former if it is reasonably possible, there is also some considerable merit in the latter if you are careful and understand what you are about. While it would be wonderful to make love with your true love as the only love, it could be good to make love with someone who is a good and worthy friend, rather than torment yourself beyond your limit.
You, as a mature person, must figure out what is best for yourself. Not just what you can live with, but what is truly good for you, given who you are and what you are, with all your various needs, especially your spiritual, emotional, psychological, intellectual, social, affective, erotic, tactile, and genital needs.
Unfortunately, sexuality is not the simple primitive instinctual thing a lot of people try to make it out to be. It's a lot more complex than that, even in it's naturalness. And you need to respect its complexity, and how it plays out within the complexity of your own person and personality.
So if this time in your wonderful young life is not easy, there are good reasons why that is and has to be. Because you have had the courage and nobility to respect you own inner processes and your sense of yourself and your sense of your human dignity and destiny, they have lead you on the path you've been on. You are now at another critical juncture in your personal development and the "unfolding" or the budding and blossoming of your "affective self", with more difficult choices to make about how to handle and guide and shape this important phase of your life.
The best advice anyone can give you is this: "Listen deeply to your heart and respect what it tells you about yourself and your needs." If a possible way or solution does not ring true to you, let it be, and keep yourself open to discovering one that does ring true to you and to your best self, and the interests of your best self. For only then will you be able to insure that you will have abiding peace of mind and heart about what you decided to choose and do at this decisive point in your life.
In any event, all anyone can do is try to do his best, whatever that is, and hope that he attains as much of that as is possible for himself in the circumstances and situations, inner and outer, that he has to deal with. Since this is not a perfect world and we are not perfect people, trying sincerely to do our best, even though it may not be perfect, is more than sufficient because it is all we can really do.
"It's true that I still haven’t had any sexual relationship with anyone and sometimes I have the urge just to find someone to experience it but at the same time, I am scared that it wont turn out right."
Well, you just can’t live in fear or be paralyzed by that fear. But here are some thoughts to help you:
1. If you were with someone who really loved you and understood you, either "the one" or a very "good one" such as a dear and close friend who loves you and cares about you and who is committed to helping you make a beginning, they just wouldn't care about how well or not well it would go or how you performed, because love is blind and the most important thing would be being with you. They would be cutting you lots of slack in your first time. Your ability to perform would be a moot point. The miracle would be that you are performing at all, regardless of how well or how imperfect!
"Love is kind, Love is Patient, Love is non-judgmental, Love hopes and wishes for the Best…"
2. Love is not about performance, love is about self-gift. That's why, as long as you really love, there is real happiness for the other, regardless of the sex.
3. Lovers care about loving, the rest works itself out in time. And…it has to be worked on, like your golf or tennis game. No one is an automatic pro.
4. It actually takes quite a bit of time for a couple to get really good at sex together, just as it does for them to get good at dancing the tango or waltz or any other great dance steps. Practice makes perfect, eventually! So, going into it, Know that it is a work of time...don't expect a lot from your maiden voyage in terms of expert performance...but do know, it can all be compensated for by a giant love with lots of human warmth, good humor (it's a lot of fun if you let it be) and a tremendous respect and desire to please. (Lots of gay and straight couples will tell the funniest stories of falling out of bed while trying to couple, the bed collapsing, becoming buried in bedding and mattresses, etc.) Your partner will sense and see these attitudes and qualities in you, and they will mean more to him than all the best technique and performance in the whole world because they, as the actual Love, are life-giving!!!
5. Believe in yourself as a loving person capable of giving self-sacrificially and of giving yourself as a great selfless self-gift.
6. Believe that you can put your pleasure aside to try to pleasure another, making that the most important thing to you. That attitude and spirit of self-gift to him will mean the most of anything you do or say. It is Love!
7. Believe that you are and can be sweet and tender with another, making him feel special and loved with great human warmth and intimate sensitivity.
8. Orgasm, as wonderful and as important as it is, is not the end real Lovers seek. Nor is it really a true end in itself. It is but a steppingstone into the mystery of human bonding. It also is the springboard for the plunge into a spiritual union with the Beloved, that is deep, intimate, incredibly, mystically silent, and that both intimates and initiates a deep transcendent communion with the divine with and in the communion with the beloved.
9. True relational sexuality is beyond mere relief, as good as that may seem. It is beyond the sensual joy of sexual satisfaction, as amazing as that may be. It gives Lovers a sense of being a mutual communion to each other, that makes them come alive and feel they have been given Life anew, powerfully, and with a meaning and focus that makes living with each other and living for each other what makes Life worth living! This is the Joy of Truly Loving and of Being Truly Loved.
10. To be able to Love another in this way is a source of happiness, just as receiving the Love of another who Loves you in this way is a source of true happiness. As both give this kind of Love to each other, they become the Love they are giving and receiving, and they become this Love united together by this Love. This happens in a way that makes and shows that this Love is something much greater than either of them as individuals, and much greater than both of them as a couple. It allows the divine infinite love of God to be experienced as the ultimate power and content of the relationship and the two Lovers.
11. This kind of Love Bond keeps two Lovers devoted to each other, desiring each other’s wellbeing and companionship in a committed love relationship for a whole lifetime and an eternity.
12. They who attain this Love are
truly blessed, both in time and for all eternity.
13. They are also very Happy!!! Happy to be with each other. Happy to Love each other. Happy to live together. Happy to share their lives with each other in one Life together. Think of all the couples, Gay, BI, and Straight, that you know who have found this Love and live like this. It is possible if you want it and are willing to work at it. Obviously it takes time and quality communication and real commitment to hang in there and make it work. Also, as love matures and mellows and deepens, it changes for the better, but it may not seem as externally passionate as in the beginning. That is because its deepening and growth are more of an interior reality of the heart, and the resting in silence in each others sweet embrace and love after sex may be the new "passion" that is more important than anything else, for the aforementioned reasons.
14. Ponder these things, and what ever rings true to you, savor and store in your heart as nourishment for your relational journey right into the heart of God, in and with and through the Love you have with your Beloved.
"On top of that, I am a shy guy which makes life with gay people more difficult."
So, yes, you are shy...but you are also adorable and wonderful and charming and noble and intelligent and witty and creative and deep...and....very attractive emotionally, psychologically, socially, spiritually and intellectually. You project inner substance and inner beauty with affableness and lovableness. And that's before anyone gets to see you.
If you were an outside observer looking at this guy I just described to you, what would you say? Think really hard about that!
He may be shy, but he's got the juice! And the juice is his ticket to getting beyond his shyness.
You have to know that people are attracted to you, and find you very attractive. Look at all the fan mail guys send you. They are responding to someone who is very real to them, whose qualities merit positive responses. You reveal yourself as a wonderful, sweet, hip, hot guy, who is a lot of fun to be with, too.
So what do you do with that?
I think you need to take it as an opportunity to grow and develop, and transcend your shyness.
Sit and chat over a beer or glass of wine or a cup of coffee, or dinner. Talk, relate, listen, and share. Get to know guys in this way, and reveal small bits of yourself to the extent that you can as you build a relationship with another guy. It may take time, but that's what you have plenty of at the pace you are now going."
"Do you really think its true love?"
I responded to him:
"It has the potential to grow into "True Love" depending on what you guys make it become!
Even if it isn't the ultimate love of your lives, it's important that this relationship, and any others you may have, be conducted in a loving, caring, unselfish manner.
You really don't want to live as a cynical user and abuser of others. That would be so out of character for you who are such a caring person.
Persons are more than just a quick fuck you throw away once you've finished with them and want to move on to the next one you're going to use and throw away. That's not a healthy or "good" way to live.
So, it's important to constantly be growing in love and having loving relationships that are positive experiences for both "lovers".
I do believe that stable long-term or permanent committed relationships are the best, both in the long run and the short run.
So, I hope that the relationships young people have initially, are helping them learn that and build towards that, so that they eventually can find the "right one" for them to settle down with, sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately, multiple promiscuous or failed relationships can undermine a person's capacity to have an "ultimate" or permanently committed relationship. They can also eventually lead to pretty severe depression, self doubt about ones relational ability, ones lovableness, ones genuine desirableness, and ones sense of selfworth.
So that's why this is tricky stuff to be playing around with. It's like matches, if you carelessly play with them enough, sooner or later you're going to get burnt.
I pray this never happens to you, but rather, you find the true love of your life and all the special happiness that comes with that kind of committed relationship. It probably won't happen overnight, but that doesn't mean it will take forever, either.
Let's hope, and especially pray for the best!"
So dear Bois and Guyz, there are some thoughts and reflections on the nature of relationships, relational Love, Archetypal Symbols of Transformation, Positive Transference, Personhood, and committed relationships. A lot more could be said about each of these items, but suffice this to be a short introduction or reminder of their importance in finding happiness in a Gay relationship. And of course, special thanks go to my mystery man out of nowhere, who got me going on this by his comments to me:
"Life, however we cut it, is a matter of commitment"
I pray that all of us will find “The joys to be had in commitment to a person”.
Bendicat vos Deus!
&
ADIOS!!!
Well, Bois and Guyz, the damnedest thing happened to me on the way to my blog last week, I got the very first comment from anyone at JUB about something they saw in my blog. Now it’s not like no one is looking at it. It gets 50-60 hits a day at the current rate of traffic flow.
Perhaps they’re looking for my galleries. I hear the word is getting out that it’s got a lot of hot gorgeous guyz of all types in it, a real eclectic select collection.
Who knows what’s going on? I can’t figure it out. Perhaps the blog articles are too serious, or too long, or too offensive, or too scary, or too inane, or too deep? It beats me! No one has been talking back to me, or leaving feedback or reflections.
So here comes this guy out of no where, and leaves a comment, and an interesting one, at that! The comment is on the previous blog entry, #20, "Being Honest about Being Gay". It’s a pretty serious and critical comment.
It reads:
"Thanks for a very thoughtful discourse. You really could have emphasized the importance of being honest about heterosexuality as well. I was glad you cited Kinsey.
Our culture really doesn’t allow one to be very "up front" in acknowledging the strange twists of fantasy thoughts and to explore the real life implications of our deepest fantasies. I relate too much of what you write in my own experience. Yes, it (another path in life) might have been as full as the path chosen; but I was fortunate in not being rushed to define myself with any finality.
Life, however we cut it, is a matter of commitment. I wish I could find less fever to declare oneself as gay, bi, straight, or whatever, and more testimony to the joys to be had in commitment to a person. A life of sexual promiscuity, a life without commitment, is, in my observation an invitation to trouble.
I withhold judgement on what many JUBs reveal of themselves, and I do not think that "what has worked for me" is necessarily going to work for anyone else. And, I hope your offering will be studied by many who are honestly confused."
We, the guy from out of no where and I, had a little PM exchange over this. I wrote to him:
"Many thanks for:
1. The very first comment ever that I received from the Jub "general public"(I was starting to wonder what I was
doing wrong); and
2. For the deep sensitivity of your thoughts.
3. Your response has inspired me to write about commitment. So I shall be pondering this, thanks to you."
Now, what triggered this was a comment I had made to a gay Christian guy who was planning to "get cured" and become Hetero:
"Honestly, it would be better to serve God either through celibacy if you could do that fruitfully, or as a single Gay man living in dignity and joy, or through a loving life-giving committed lifelong Gay Partnership (Marriage) and a possible Adoptive Gay Parenthood that enabled you to honor and live out your own self truth as a Gay person created in the image and likeness of Divine Love.
It is the life of God-like, God-filled Selfless Love we live in our daily life in this world that begins and determines our Eternity. If you create for yourself and dwell in a living hell and drag others into it as your unwitting victims, you will have completely missed the whole meaning and purpose of your life and of your relationship with God. Look before you leap!!!
I will pray for you and your searching of your heart. I hope others will do the same. May God Keep and Help ALL of Us!"
So there you have the context for these thoughts on committed relationships, life partnerships, civil unions or Gay Marriages, whatever you want to call them or view them as. Just remember:
"Wouldn’t a Rose, called by any other name, smell just as sweet?"
You bet it would!
Curiously, for the past several months, I’ve been dialoguing with a few friends about Gay relationships in different ways. So, what I’d like to do is share excerpts from those dialogues to build a case for considering committed relationships as a goal for Gay relational life.
I
"This new gallery you made has such a different feel from your other galleries. It's got me pondering about what's different. I think this one is highly focused on eyes. It's very dramatic and in some instances is deeply moving.
Ancient wisdom has it that the eyes are the windows of the soul. There is a profound truth! If that is so, perhaps this exploration of male beauty is a search for the transcendent, for the divine.
As I pondered my own drivenness in this search, I keep on wondering if that isn't what it's been all about...a search for the transcendent, for the divine.
That would be consistent with the rest of my life. It has been involved very directly in mystical spirituality.
Now, to be a Gay man in search of "the one" may mean we are trying to become the men we are meant to be or can be. We try to do this by completing ourselves through a union with another man who has the complementary qualities and attributes that we need to develop, via positive transference, to eventually grow into a whole person.
Human history tells us that when two such persons collide in their mutual complementarity, you end up with a couple. Yet their coupling in not just physical, but embraces every aspect of their beings, so that the two become one on many different planes.
That's the original meaning of EROS as a type of love. That's what makes sexuality so much larger and more complex than being just sensuous physical gentility.
So, my friend, we are kindred spirits, exploring the same inner territory. I hope this rings true to you. If it does in some way, it means I have finally found someone who is on the same Gay wavelength that I am. You are not just another superficial Gay guy whacked out of his mind with testosterone poisoning. It's a lonely Gay life when you are serious..."
I received this reply:
"Wow, what a message, it contains such deep meaning and thought."
"As I am still searching for 'the one', sometimes I wonder if it is because I want to be 'the one' myself".
Well, it is true you are searching for your personal "the one", your Mr. Right. He exists and is out there, and you will find him in God's good time when you are ready and alert, awake and fully receptive to recognizing his true inner beauty.
All these guys we revel in looking at and studying, are physicalized icons of that inner male beauty that we really need, to complete ourselves as men. This is why it is a little dangerous to dwell excessively on outer superficial appearances as the be all and end all of masculine desirability.
Now as to the proposition that you want to be "the one", the good news is you are "the one", and are intended to be "the one" for "the one/Mr. Right", who is intended for you. You will compliment him in the ways he needs with your qualities and attributes, and he will compliment you with his attributes and qualities in the ways you need. Over time you will grow through love together into a whole (the two became one heart and soul and mind), and the reality of your union, your living communion as a couple will be much greater than just the sum of the two individuals involved, just as the coupled life will be much greater than just the lives of the two individuals involved.
"I really like the idea of your reply and maybe I will expand the meaning of attraction as a topic in my blog in the future"...
You know, because you are young, brilliant, creative, sexual, sexy, masculine, intellectually and spiritually attractive and aesthetic (all the things I love about you and love you for!), you and your Blog could probably help a lot of searching men in seeking a deeper meaning and understanding and direction in their Gay life. Quite frankly, that's one of the biggest problems Gay men face today, and there are scant resources to help them. (I still don't know whether or not I have really seen your picture anywhere, however as I have previously written you, your physical appearance at this point in our relationship is irrelevant, because I've seen your inner beauty, "The One" you are! And he is awesome!!! It is clear to me, you are quite a treasure, and anyone whom you are meant to be with, will be extremely fortunate and blessed to be with you and to have you and to hold you. It was beautiful how you wrote of your situation and your willingness to wait to do it right. Good for you. You won't regret it. Love and caring are what make sex human and something different than what animals do instinctively. That’s what I would hope and pray for that would happen to you: lots of love, caring, tenderness, warmth, intimacy, commitment and sweetness. It will bring you happiness and fulfillment greater than the challenges and vulnerability that come with such relationships. May God bring you soon to "The One" for you, so that you may be "The One" for him. I’m sure, with your serious focus, you will find "the one", and will be "the one" to him, too! That is what I’ve always wished for my children and Godchildren, and I wish it for you, too!"
II
In another part of the dialogue I wrote to my friend:
"It’s finally dawned on me why I strive to know you and know about you. As Carl Jung would say, you are an archetypal symbol of transformation for me."
This is paramount to saying that I positively transfer certain qualities from my friend to myself that I need to develop. In that sense, his person nourishes me, instructs me, and mentors me. On a much larger scale, two guys who are in love with each other are transferring positively to each other, helping each other grow in ways that they would never really be able to do without each other. This helps their mutual attraction and serves as a mysterious source of mutual interest in each other. Of course, the kinds of major things they need to transfer to each other will probably take most of a lifetime together to accomplish. To do that they will need to sustain a stable commited relationship with each other.
III
In another part of the dialogue with my friend, Personhood becomes a Hot Topic, and it is related intimately to being a Symbol of Transformation on the one hand and a source of positive transference on the other:
In another part of the dialogue with my friend, Personhood becomes a Hot Topic, and it is related intimately to being a Symbol of Transformation on the one hand and a source of positive transference on the other:
"You,my friend, through your website, have created a profound natural curiosity about yourself, and an interest and a desire to "know" you. Now, this desire is predicated, not on your hotness alone, which you evidently have in abundance, but something much greater and more important, on your "real-ness", your Personhood and your personal integrity and authenticity. So don't be naively surprised that guys enthusiastically respond to you more than the hot fantasy fashion models on your site. You are really REAL for them! And that is extraordinary in an artificial, plastic world.
Meanwhile, I was quite whipped up with the "Who Am I" song you posted and it's exploration of relational failure. Sadly, people hook up with and become intimately involved in emotionally damaging ways,with persons they were not meant to be with, to have these relationships inevitably not work out and end bitterly.
The lesson in this is: When you meet and find "the one", and he finds you as "the one" for him, one of the overall signs to both of you will be the desire and ability to put the other first and "forget" self, going beyond self, for the love and good of the other. In this is the joy and the felicity of "True Love". A Love that is self-transcendent and thus totally unitive, beyond barriers and limits, a love partaking of the infinite and participating in the divine. The only love that is worth anything, because it is faithful and true and totally dedicated to the other. A love that causes a reality to exist that is even larger than the couple who are lovers.
Meanwhile the lesson from your analysis of the songs lyrics tells a sad relational truth:
"Lyrically though it's weepily intriguing. An intelligent examination of a relationship's end laced with regret, in it the guy tells his ex-boyfriend that number one comes first. "Why couldn't I ever put you first?" He Laments"
Selfishness is the death of Love!
IV
In the most recent turn of events in our dialogue, I sensed a natural change in my friend, and a deeper need to become more active in pursuing his relational life:
"You have me wondering if your feeling inner pressure to begin your active interpersonal sex life now. Not knowing your living situation, or how much live human support you have in your daily life, my heart goes out to you and my prayers are that you find the happiness you desire.
This is easier said than done, especially for a person of your sensitivity and your lofty ideals. I'm actually amazed that sheer animal passion hadn't swept you away a long time ago. I sense you are a passionate person and live with the dynamic tensions that passion brings with it. When I was in this situation, and at my bursting point when I was thirty-five, I thought it was going to drive me mad.
I don't know if you are saving yourself for "the one" exclusively as the only one, or could see your way clear to being with a "good one" for your first time. While there is great merit in the former if it is reasonably possible, there is also some considerable merit in the latter if you are careful and understand what you are about. While it would be wonderful to make love with your true love as the only love, it could be good to make love with someone who is a good and worthy friend, rather than torment yourself beyond your limit.
You, as a mature person, must figure out what is best for yourself. Not just what you can live with, but what is truly good for you, given who you are and what you are, with all your various needs, especially your spiritual, emotional, psychological, intellectual, social, affective, erotic, tactile, and genital needs.
Unfortunately, sexuality is not the simple primitive instinctual thing a lot of people try to make it out to be. It's a lot more complex than that, even in it's naturalness. And you need to respect its complexity, and how it plays out within the complexity of your own person and personality.
So if this time in your wonderful young life is not easy, there are good reasons why that is and has to be. Because you have had the courage and nobility to respect you own inner processes and your sense of yourself and your sense of your human dignity and destiny, they have lead you on the path you've been on. You are now at another critical juncture in your personal development and the "unfolding" or the budding and blossoming of your "affective self", with more difficult choices to make about how to handle and guide and shape this important phase of your life.
The best advice anyone can give you is this: "Listen deeply to your heart and respect what it tells you about yourself and your needs." If a possible way or solution does not ring true to you, let it be, and keep yourself open to discovering one that does ring true to you and to your best self, and the interests of your best self. For only then will you be able to insure that you will have abiding peace of mind and heart about what you decided to choose and do at this decisive point in your life.
In any event, all anyone can do is try to do his best, whatever that is, and hope that he attains as much of that as is possible for himself in the circumstances and situations, inner and outer, that he has to deal with. Since this is not a perfect world and we are not perfect people, trying sincerely to do our best, even though it may not be perfect, is more than sufficient because it is all we can really do.
"It's true that I still haven’t had any sexual relationship with anyone and sometimes I have the urge just to find someone to experience it but at the same time, I am scared that it wont turn out right."
Well, you just can’t live in fear or be paralyzed by that fear. But here are some thoughts to help you:
1. If you were with someone who really loved you and understood you, either "the one" or a very "good one" such as a dear and close friend who loves you and cares about you and who is committed to helping you make a beginning, they just wouldn't care about how well or not well it would go or how you performed, because love is blind and the most important thing would be being with you. They would be cutting you lots of slack in your first time. Your ability to perform would be a moot point. The miracle would be that you are performing at all, regardless of how well or how imperfect!
"Love is kind, Love is Patient, Love is non-judgmental, Love hopes and wishes for the Best…"
2. Love is not about performance, love is about self-gift. That's why, as long as you really love, there is real happiness for the other, regardless of the sex.
3. Lovers care about loving, the rest works itself out in time. And…it has to be worked on, like your golf or tennis game. No one is an automatic pro.
4. It actually takes quite a bit of time for a couple to get really good at sex together, just as it does for them to get good at dancing the tango or waltz or any other great dance steps. Practice makes perfect, eventually! So, going into it, Know that it is a work of time...don't expect a lot from your maiden voyage in terms of expert performance...but do know, it can all be compensated for by a giant love with lots of human warmth, good humor (it's a lot of fun if you let it be) and a tremendous respect and desire to please. (Lots of gay and straight couples will tell the funniest stories of falling out of bed while trying to couple, the bed collapsing, becoming buried in bedding and mattresses, etc.) Your partner will sense and see these attitudes and qualities in you, and they will mean more to him than all the best technique and performance in the whole world because they, as the actual Love, are life-giving!!!
5. Believe in yourself as a loving person capable of giving self-sacrificially and of giving yourself as a great selfless self-gift.
6. Believe that you can put your pleasure aside to try to pleasure another, making that the most important thing to you. That attitude and spirit of self-gift to him will mean the most of anything you do or say. It is Love!
7. Believe that you are and can be sweet and tender with another, making him feel special and loved with great human warmth and intimate sensitivity.
8. Orgasm, as wonderful and as important as it is, is not the end real Lovers seek. Nor is it really a true end in itself. It is but a steppingstone into the mystery of human bonding. It also is the springboard for the plunge into a spiritual union with the Beloved, that is deep, intimate, incredibly, mystically silent, and that both intimates and initiates a deep transcendent communion with the divine with and in the communion with the beloved.
9. True relational sexuality is beyond mere relief, as good as that may seem. It is beyond the sensual joy of sexual satisfaction, as amazing as that may be. It gives Lovers a sense of being a mutual communion to each other, that makes them come alive and feel they have been given Life anew, powerfully, and with a meaning and focus that makes living with each other and living for each other what makes Life worth living! This is the Joy of Truly Loving and of Being Truly Loved.
10. To be able to Love another in this way is a source of happiness, just as receiving the Love of another who Loves you in this way is a source of true happiness. As both give this kind of Love to each other, they become the Love they are giving and receiving, and they become this Love united together by this Love. This happens in a way that makes and shows that this Love is something much greater than either of them as individuals, and much greater than both of them as a couple. It allows the divine infinite love of God to be experienced as the ultimate power and content of the relationship and the two Lovers.
11. This kind of Love Bond keeps two Lovers devoted to each other, desiring each other’s wellbeing and companionship in a committed love relationship for a whole lifetime and an eternity.
12. They who attain this Love are
truly blessed, both in time and for all eternity.
13. They are also very Happy!!! Happy to be with each other. Happy to Love each other. Happy to live together. Happy to share their lives with each other in one Life together. Think of all the couples, Gay, BI, and Straight, that you know who have found this Love and live like this. It is possible if you want it and are willing to work at it. Obviously it takes time and quality communication and real commitment to hang in there and make it work. Also, as love matures and mellows and deepens, it changes for the better, but it may not seem as externally passionate as in the beginning. That is because its deepening and growth are more of an interior reality of the heart, and the resting in silence in each others sweet embrace and love after sex may be the new "passion" that is more important than anything else, for the aforementioned reasons.
14. Ponder these things, and what ever rings true to you, savor and store in your heart as nourishment for your relational journey right into the heart of God, in and with and through the Love you have with your Beloved.
"On top of that, I am a shy guy which makes life with gay people more difficult."
So, yes, you are shy...but you are also adorable and wonderful and charming and noble and intelligent and witty and creative and deep...and....very attractive emotionally, psychologically, socially, spiritually and intellectually. You project inner substance and inner beauty with affableness and lovableness. And that's before anyone gets to see you.
If you were an outside observer looking at this guy I just described to you, what would you say? Think really hard about that!
He may be shy, but he's got the juice! And the juice is his ticket to getting beyond his shyness.
You have to know that people are attracted to you, and find you very attractive. Look at all the fan mail guys send you. They are responding to someone who is very real to them, whose qualities merit positive responses. You reveal yourself as a wonderful, sweet, hip, hot guy, who is a lot of fun to be with, too.
So what do you do with that?
I think you need to take it as an opportunity to grow and develop, and transcend your shyness.
Sit and chat over a beer or glass of wine or a cup of coffee, or dinner. Talk, relate, listen, and share. Get to know guys in this way, and reveal small bits of yourself to the extent that you can as you build a relationship with another guy. It may take time, but that's what you have plenty of at the pace you are now going."
V
Finally, we hear from another friend in another part of the country. I’ve been having a different kind of dialogue with him. He’s finally found his first college boyfriend. So I’ve written various things about true love to him, encouraging him to make the best of this relationship. In his most recent response he asks me very directly:
"Do you really think its true love?"
I responded to him:
"It has the potential to grow into "True Love" depending on what you guys make it become!
Even if it isn't the ultimate love of your lives, it's important that this relationship, and any others you may have, be conducted in a loving, caring, unselfish manner.
You really don't want to live as a cynical user and abuser of others. That would be so out of character for you who are such a caring person.
Persons are more than just a quick fuck you throw away once you've finished with them and want to move on to the next one you're going to use and throw away. That's not a healthy or "good" way to live.
So, it's important to constantly be growing in love and having loving relationships that are positive experiences for both "lovers".
I do believe that stable long-term or permanent committed relationships are the best, both in the long run and the short run.
So, I hope that the relationships young people have initially, are helping them learn that and build towards that, so that they eventually can find the "right one" for them to settle down with, sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately, multiple promiscuous or failed relationships can undermine a person's capacity to have an "ultimate" or permanently committed relationship. They can also eventually lead to pretty severe depression, self doubt about ones relational ability, ones lovableness, ones genuine desirableness, and ones sense of selfworth.
So that's why this is tricky stuff to be playing around with. It's like matches, if you carelessly play with them enough, sooner or later you're going to get burnt.
I pray this never happens to you, but rather, you find the true love of your life and all the special happiness that comes with that kind of committed relationship. It probably won't happen overnight, but that doesn't mean it will take forever, either.
Let's hope, and especially pray for the best!"
So dear Bois and Guyz, there are some thoughts and reflections on the nature of relationships, relational Love, Archetypal Symbols of Transformation, Positive Transference, Personhood, and committed relationships. A lot more could be said about each of these items, but suffice this to be a short introduction or reminder of their importance in finding happiness in a Gay relationship. And of course, special thanks go to my mystery man out of nowhere, who got me going on this by his comments to me:
"Life, however we cut it, is a matter of commitment"
I pray that all of us will find “The joys to be had in commitment to a person”.
Bendicat vos Deus! & ADIOS!!!
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Then I put my two cents in, based upon my own research for my sexuality courses that I taught over the years: 
