Pegasus69 - Archived Blog Posts

[Pegasus69]

It has been nearly a week since I had the treatment for the brain tumor (I still find it all very surreal, as well as frightening, to say those words in regards to myself). I am not dealing with this all that well, in my own opinion anyway. When it was lung cancer, and they removed the lung, then gave me chemo and then the radiation it was a strange experience to say the least. But, they could remove the diseased part of the lung, they could send these poisons into the blood stream to kill any stray cells that were trying to establish themselves elsewhere. The end result would be that I would not be running any marathons and that I would have some scars to remind me of this experience and battle.

But the Brain! That just scares the hell out of me. I think of what happened to my mother in the end with the radiation treatment for her brain tumours, and I realize that this is a totally different type of treatment, but it is still the brain. I don't really know what to expect. The success rate for this type of treatment is 95% for the individual tumour, but that does not mean that there are not other cancer cells seeded in the brain elsewhere and that they will just start to grow.

I wonder if I was arrogant before, thinking that knowing the odds of someone with my stage of cancer initially, were the odds for the group and not for me as an individual? I am thinking of the what if's that naturally come about when facing something so harsh, so unforgiving and so unsure.

While visiting my sisters this past weekend we were talking with one of my nephews there. We were talking about the family (meaning my sisters and myself) and how I feel like I have wasted so much of my life. We were talking about college and education. My nephew wanted to know why I didn't go to college. I explained that I did try on numerous occasions, but life seemed to get in the way.

I was surprised that my sisters chimed in that they thought that I was smarter than the two of them put together and that there were not the same opportunities for me as there were for them. They were able to get out of the house sooner, while I was left to raise myself from the age of 12 (a long story for another blog entry). I wonder what kind of difference I could have made if I had gone to school and received my degree, would I be a better person if I was doing more with my life, would I leave some sort of legacy behind?

Then today at work we got our new benefits package. So, the first thing I do is go to the voluntary term life and see how much I can get without having to get a certificate of health from my doctor, $78,000.00 is the highest I can go with another $20,000.00 from my employer. Then I start looking at the other options and see that my co-pays will go up if I stay with the same plan, or I can keep my co-pays where they are but with greatly reduced coverage.

I am emotionally exhausted right now and I know it. I have tried talking to some friends and they just think that if entertain these fears then I will be fulfilling a prophecy. I have tried talking to a psychologist and have not found anyone who I connect with. I feel isolated in so many ways, psychologically, emotionally, physically as well as sexually.

I am physically exhausted from the treatment and the meds. I am off the anti-seizure meds but the steroids are killing me. My hand writing has gone to shit because they make me shake, and I have mild headaches (the nurses at the hospital said that is not uncommon with the cyberkife procedure). I also find myself just chasing my tail so to speak without getting anything done.

I have had an interesting life so far, but this journey is by far the scariest I have been on. I try to remain optimistic and hopeful, yet I need to remain realistic as well. I need to consider all possibilities. I am also finding that I am questioning my faith and beliefs. I have tried to be a good person, to listen to my heart and let it guide my actions. I have always had questions in regards to organized religion due to inconsistencies and the messages of fear, hate and distrust that I seemed to always hear growing up and as a young adult. What if I have been wrong? What if this is all that there really is? If so, then ........

I am just so tired and think I just need to run away for a bit, but that isn't realistic or possible at this time. If only a change in geography could cure what is going on with me. This has been such a journey, life altering, life threatening and self doubting. I just feel that I have no choice in how I approach each and every day. I either get out of bed and do what I do, or I let myself lie there and die. Physically I am trying to do my best every day, emotionally though I feel as if I am withering. I am fearful that I am not up to this without some sort of break down or break through. But at least with the steroids everyone who sees me thinks I look great (looks like I have a perpetual sunburn and I am putting on weight around the belly - side effects).

My God, what a ramble this has been. My head hurts and I don't know if it is from thinking too much or if it is brain swelling.

 

[Pegasus69]

So, I am quickly approaching my anniversary date of being diagnosed with lung cancer. 1 Year and still fighting, even with the twists and turns that have been thrown in. I think about the tumor in my brain anytime I loose my balance, or get a headache, I think of the PET scan I just had this past week and the fact that even though I have called my doctor there has been no response (the last time that happened they were not pleased with the reading and sent it up to Mass General for the radiology department to read). I do have the written report and a copy of the scan to send to my surgeon and know that I will hear back from him very quickly. He has been a great advocate through all of this. I also am due to go back to BIDMC for another MRI in early March to track the progress of the brain tumor and the other abnormalities they found.

I have been very tired lately, but I am attributing this to the fact that I have been on a hyper-vigalent fight for nearly a year and am wipped out physically and emotionally at this time. There are some concerns with the last PET scan but until I hear from the Oncologist I will not say anything to the family. There really isn't anything to say at this time.

I still believe that in many respects this has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, even if it does cut my life short. It took something of this magnitude for me to finally "get it." I am much less cynical, a great deal more patient and far more confident. I believe in the overall goodness of the majority of people. I believe that my past was intended to prepare me for this journey.

I have thought about the what if factor. I have decided that in my will I am instructing my sister that prior to any proceeds from life insurance be issued there is to be a check of $1,000.00 Issued to each of my neices and nephews (5 total) as well as one for each of my sister's and thier husbands. They all must take this money and do something good for someone in need. They cannot just donate it to a charity or something like that, they will need to be more active in it. Maybe help someone who is struggling to pay thier oil or electric bill, someone who is burdened with medical debt, someone who needs help with thier rent, or even just picking up the bill for an elderly person in line in front of them at the grocery store. The person they help cannot be a relative or a close friend. I want them to have to work at this, but they cannot do anything through the Salvation Army due to their stance on Homosexuals.

I want them to all get together after they have finished either on my birthday, christmas or the anniversary of my death and share the experience with each other. I know, I know, this is an Oprah thing but I like the sound of it.

Well, that is about all for now. I hope all who read this are doing well and I hope you all take just a moment to reflect on just how good and precious life really is. Also think about those who are having some rough times and just take a moment to say hello or to smile to them. It can do far more than you would ever know.

Love and peace to all!
Steve