Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

[axlsergei]

Hey guys, sorry to dump all this here, but I really need to get this out of my system. Let’s say I’m going through a pretty dark phase of my life, not feeling great about a lot of things, though it’s slowly getting better, if not simpler. I hadn’t had sex or been affectionate with another male for 2 years plus; it was something I’ve unconsciously decided. After I came out at 25, I had a few flings and a short relationship of 6 months, and quickly after that I lost interest on the hook-up thing, and I wasn’t feeling like bringing someone else into the mess that is me.

So, last Wednesday, on my 31st birthday eve, I meet this guy who I’ve been chatting with for a couple of weeks. He’s only 21 and he approached me; I wasn’t actively looking for anything but I guess I did want to put myself out there somehow. We agreed we’d have drinks and dinner at his place. After the bottle of Malbec was a little less than half empty, the ice stated to melt and we gradually became more comfortable, talking and getting to know each other a bit. After dinner, which was great, we lay down on the couch and started to make out. I felt that we were kissing for ages. I was glad I didn’t forget at all about kissing. But even if my tongue was getting quite a workout, my mind wasn’t entirely present. Later we moved to a bedroom and soon we were playing with our dicks, just rubbing our bellies against each other’s and using our hands to stimulate them.

I really liked the guy; he was really sweet and tender, hot in a twinkish way, and he was visibly turned on most of the time, and told me how excited he was being there with me. At one point he hinted that he wanted me to penetrate him, but I knew I wasn’t going to get hard enough. I was having a hard time to concentrate at all and be there, mind as well as body, actually. I explained to him I didn’t have sex of any kind for such a long period of time and that I was feeling really self-conscious and that he probably wasn’t getting it that night. He was fine with it, told me to take it easy it and seemed quite content playing with my semi erected penis. He jokingly said that it was beautiful and should take it to a penis beauty pageant. We cuddled and made out all night and I finally got him off using my mouth. Everything was nice, in spite of it all, but inside I was feeling terrible.

That kid inspired me tenderness more than anything, not the urge to fuck his brains out. And after going for so long without sex, and more important I think, skin contact of any kind with a male, I wasn’t at all ready for a long and lustful night. Actually I wished we never made it pass the kissing stage.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I never hear from this kid again, but what the heck, I never thought that we were going to actually meet in the first place.

Anyway, that got me thinking and I came to realize that during all these celibacy years, my libido really went down. I do masturbate most nights and wake up with a hard on almost every morning, but I rarely get to feel intensely sexual during the day, even when I’m looking at porn. I used to be the exact opposite of this; I was never really slutty but I used to be horny all the time.

I’m just afraid that this scenario is going to repeat if we ever meet again, or when I meet someone else, and I abhor the thought of going through that again. I feel this is really going to hold me back from trying to meet new people.

I know my self-esteem is shite right now. It gradually decayed since I realize my hair was thinning and I shaved it off when I was 28. After that I let my body go a little bit, to the too-skinny side. I started to work out a couple of months ago and I was feeling a bit better, though most of the time I’m not able to feel anything at all.

I don’t care how many of my lesbian and hetero friends tell me that I look good; even when this kid was complimenting me I was thinking, what the hell? I know most of these issues as purely in my head. The past months I’ve been like an open wound. I wouldn’t let anyone touch me in an intimate way. I wouldn’t let anyone see my body. It actually surprised me that I happily went to meet this guy.

I do want to have a functional and satisfying sex/romantic life. I feel like I should be at my prime at this age and enjoying the best life has to offer me but instead I feel like I’m already dead.

I’m not sure what I expect out of posting this, I guess I just needed to vent. Now I feel that I’m making an ass out of myself, that I’m embarrassing myself.

I’m sorry about the really long post.

Thanks.

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

Are you sure the problem is purely psychological? Drinking lots of alcohol can make it difficult to get erect. I wouldn't be surprised if that played a role along with the fact that 31 year olds can't on average get it up as fast or frequently as 21 year olds.

 

[Christopher123]

Don't be so hard on yourself.

First of all, you haven't had sexual relations for over 2 years. You were probably feeling some performance anxiety. I know I would!

Secondly, you seem to have issues about your looks and that you can't believe anyone would find you attractive. Well, with all due respect and without sounding like a total dork, if that's you in your avatar, you're gorgeous.

However, I perfectly understand you in that area. I'm frequently told I'm attractive. But I'll tell you, attractiveness doesn't always equal confidence. People can tell me I'm cute till they're blue in the face and I never believe them. So, again, I can relate here as well.

I think it's probably because it's been so long for you and also that you liked this guy and probably had anxieties about pleasing him. I could be completely wrong, but I'm just posting my opinion based on what's been said.

Chris

 

[Christopher123]

Are you sure the problem is purely psychological? Drinking lots of alcohol can make it difficult to get erect. I wouldn't be surprised if that played a role along with the fact that 31 year olds can't on average get it up as fast or frequently as 21 year olds.

This is crazy.

I'm only 24 but I don't agree with this at all.

Alcohol, yes, can make it difficult to get it up and/or keep it up and/or get off. Sometimes I can't get off at all if I've had too much to drink. But I don't think age has anything to do with it. He's only 31 years old, he's still in his prime.

 

[axlsergei]

Re: Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

Guys, thanks for the caring responses. I went to bed after making that post but I couldn’t sleep. So I got up and made myself a cup o coffee, and turn the computer on. It is a pleasant surprise seeing your responses.

I remember the first guy I was ever with, I had the same “problem”, God, I was so nervous. I was by no means that young and tender, but totally inexperienced, and always been quite shy. Somehow I feel like going through all that again, 5-6 years later, all the anxiety, the insecurities, the nervousness. I’m hoping is just that and that if I keep trying, everything could be fine, but I’m afraid I’m not going to look very dignified during the process.

I’m not discarding the possibility of it being a physical issue, but I still get hard most mornings. Is it possible to get a piss hard-on if you have an erectile problem? What troubles me most though, is the fact that I seem to have no interest in sex as I used to. I remember enjoying it so much that I feel I’m really missing something not having it. And I do fantasize about having a lover and the butterflies I used to feel on my stomach and all that. I had several proposals that were purely sexual lately but I had to decline, as I found no interest at all in the sex per se, and was actually grossed out by the bluntness of some of them. I really must be getting old.

And Elvin, thanks for the compliments. You know you’re a fine looking guy yourself. And I do mean it too. Sadly, self-esteem is not so simple related to the ways one looks or if we fit the norm of what is considered the ideal at the time. I know I thought I was ugly when I was growing up. I remember spending lots of time in front of the mirror thinking of all the changes that I could do to “improve” my appearance. Now, I don’t know if I was truly ugly, but I looked goofy, and nerdy, and sure felt like shit. If someone were to give me a compliment, not matter how casual, I would think they were just being cruel.

I’m not really sure what kind of answer I was expecting people to come up with for this. After I read my post I thought, gee, I wouldn’t know what to tell myself. I’m considering psychoanalysis, although I never ever done that before; but it could help to bring forward whatever other issues may be at play in my life right now and see how they intertwine with this one.

JUB is such a fine community; I’d wish I would let myself post a little more. You truly made me feel a little less lonely, I’m feeling better already. Thank you.

 

[axlsergei]

Re: Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

Christopher, I just saw your post after I submitted my reply. Thanks for your encouraging words. That’s a recent picture of me on my avatar, thanks for the compliments. I really hope it all boils down to performance anxiety!

Serge

 

[drhladnjak]

From your subsequent posts, it sounds to me more like you were just nervous. Stress is probably the biggest erection killer ever. The best advice is to just have fun and not worry about getting it up. If the guy is really worth it, he'll enjoy cuddling with you and wait for the erection some other day.

As for the effects of age and alcohol... I agree that it's not always a problem for everybody, but for some guys it is. I was once with a 22 year old who could hardly get it up at all when he was relatively intoxicated. In fact, he apologized profusely about it during sex and we just had more fun the next morning instead once he sobered up. And yes for some guys (obviously not everybody), the sex drive at 31 is less than it was at 21. Moreover, few 31 year olds get erections as frequently as 16 year olds. That doesn't mean the 31 year olds can't get it up though. For me personally, when I was 16 I got a lot of unexpected erections (those without any visual or tactile stimulation) whereas now days at age 27, that pretty much never happens except when I wake up in the morning.

I guess all that I'm really trying to say here is that if you combine nervousness, heavy drinking and being a little bit older than the last time you had sex, you shouldn't be surprised that everything doesn't work exactly like it used to.

 

[NineOfClubs]

As someone older than you, and most of the respondents here, I have to say I don't think alcohol had much to do with it (though it can, of course). I think, especially after a couple years off, it has more to do with anxiety. I know that the more I care about having sex with a stranger, the more difficult it becomes. So maybe you were just liking this kid a lot, and hoping for more--it can tend to "slow" us down, sometimes. At least, it does for me...

 

[hermanding]

could any part of the problem be the fear of impotence or something like that - performance anxiety - that kind of thing? sex is such a complicated mixture of fisical and mental combinations. i wish i had more to offer sergei. and i wonder if some more experiences with greater frequency will cause it all to be resolved in itself... good luck guy
ding

 

[Christopher123]

Christopher, I just saw your post after I submitted my reply. Thanks for your encouraging words. That’s a recent picture of me on my avatar, thanks for the compliments. I really hope it all boils down to performance anxiety!

Well, only you can figure that out for sure. The best thing to do is look at all angles of what you're feeling when you're in the actual situation. I know from experience that having sex, after being pretty much 'celibate' for quite some time, can not only be scary but intimidating as well. All kinds of things go through your mind.

Will I do this right? Am I attractive/sexy enough to turn him on? Will I satisfy him? Is my body good enough? Is my dick good enough? What does he think of me? Are we using each other? Will we ever see each other again after this? Etc etc etc.

Some of those worries may seem lame as hell, but they're still things that go through our minds, at least once, if not a million times. Whatever the thoughts - or doubts - they still exist in the backs of our minds. Some guys think them and say, "Oh freakin well, if we click and things happen after this, great. If not, no big deal."

But for some of us it is a big deal.

I may very well be rambling on about nothing here, but what I'm trying to say is that for someone who isn't in a 'comfy' committed relationship, the sex thing can be really stressful. And that can sometimes create performance issues.

You're not alone. It happens to all or most of us at some point. You obviously take this sort of thing seriously or you wouldn't have posted about it. So that right there shows you're a caring person and you give a rats butt not only about your own feelings, but your partner's as well.

Trust me, there are many guys out there who could give two shits.

 

[axlsergei]

Re: Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

All kinds of things go through your mind.

Will I do this right? Am I attractive/sexy enough to turn him on? Will I satisfy him? Is my body good enough? Is my dick good enough? What does he think of me? Are we using each other? Will we ever see each other again after this? Etc etc etc.

Funny thing, all of the above was going through my head and some more, all the time. It could also be that I’m really trying no to have sex on first dates; it hasn’t work for me in the past. I somehow lose interest after sex if I don’t know the guy a little bit, as I don’t have a lot more to hold onto and sex on first dates can be a little awkward sometimes. And I never was with someone that much younger than me before. I usually prefer guys around my age or a little older; but I seem to get attention from 20ys old only lately…

I spoke with this guy today and everything seemed alright, but I don’t think I’ll be seeing him anytime soon, if at all, as he’s going on a trip for most of the month of January. I really don’t want to press on this issue anymore. I don’t want to worry too much about it; will try not to give it too much thought, unless it pops its ugly head again. But I want to say thanks for all the kind responses, as they did helped me a lot, especially during that long sleepless night when I was obsessing about it.

Peace.

 

[Christopher123]

Funny thing, all of the above was going through my head and some more, all the time. It could also be that I’m really trying no to have sex on first dates; it hasn’t work for me in the past. I somehow lose interest after sex if I don’t know the guy a little bit

You're not alone here.

As many times as I've wanted to take home some guy I don't know very well and hit the sack with him, I refrain from doing so because I know it's not going to fulfill me. Not in the end. The sex part can be great, sure. But once it's over, then what?

I'm not saying I have to be in love with somebody to have sex with them. But knowing them a little bit and knowing the possibility is there that I might actually see him again really helps. In fact, I just can't have sex with strangers. It weirds me out. I need to know someone. So I fully understand what you mean and why you would lose interest after sex.

Again, you're not alone.

I'm sorry you've lost sleep thinking about all of this. I know the feeling well.

 

[thewiz]

I would agree with many of the things said in the posts on this thread; you are a great looking guy and seem to be very caring and loving.

I know that I occasionally have experienced performance anxiety since coming out a year and a half ago. I was pretty much without sex for three years (unless you ask my hand, in which case it will tell you it was very attracted to my penis).

When I came out, I was with a guy and we did pretty much the things you mentioned. I was so turned on by him yet I could not get it totally erect. As a matter of fact, I put the condom on and tried to force it in him somewhat soft and blew my load as the head was just going in! I was so embarrassed! He told me to relax, laid me on my back and continued kissing and touching me, taking the condom off and sucking on me. A short while later, I was fully erect and we had a great sexual time!

I have had a couple other occasions when I was so turned on by a guy that I just could not seem to get it fully erect. I acknowledge it and usually if I just relax a little, the other brain seems to work in that head and it comes around!

In a worst case situation, talk to your doctor about viagra or cialis or something similar that can help.

 

[jkdenim]

Hey,

I had the same problem as you axlsergei. For years (3 to be exact), I hadn't even had sex once (due to travelling/working). But one day, I met a guy and on the second date, we got drunk (very drunk). Safe to say I couldn't get my willy to work, and I had that anxiety the next few times. Sometimes I would go flaccid and sometimes it would be erect during sex.

I thought this guy would never call me after the first fiasco, but he did. And now he's my boyfriend of 1 year. He's a great guy. We laugh at the first time we had sex (come to think of it, it really was the most hilarious experience I've had in bed).

Somedays, I wouldn't be able to achieve an erection, but he's a great guy and understands and takes his time with me.

Things like this takes time. Self-esteem usually takes a dive after an experience like this, but it's not all doom and gloom. (It's now hilarious for me and I giggle everytime I recall the experience). Obsess about it, no point telling you not to because you will. But the experience begins to fade and you'll move on. Big smile, chin-up mate.

 

[axlsergei]

Re: Performance issues after a long sex hiatus…

I would agree with many of the things said in the posts on this thread; you are a great looking guy and seem to be very caring and loving.

Thanks man, I really appreciate the compliment.

When I came out, I was with a guy and we did pretty much the things you mentioned. I was so turned on by him yet I could not get it totally erect. As a matter of fact, I put the condom on and tried to force it in him somewhat soft and blew my load as the head was just going in! I was so embarrassed! He told me to relax, laid me on my back and continued kissing and touching me, taking the condom off and sucking on me. A short while later, I was fully erect and we had a great sexual time!

I couldn't help to giggle a little. Those situations are so embarrassing at the time, but when you look back after some time, they can seem cute and even funny. I remember with my first boyfriend, I was practically a virgin and didn't really knew what to do, I really wanted to please him, but I couldn't get if fully erect; and I was quite reactionary about bottoming at the time. That first time we got together it was a little embarrassing, but we did have a great sex life for the six months we were together.

I thought this guy would never call me after the first fiasco, but he did. And now he's my boyfriend of 1 year. He's a great guy. We laugh at the first time we had sex (come to think of it, it really was the most hilarious experience I've had in bed).

That’s a great story and I’m happy it turned out so well for both of you.

Obsess about it, no point telling you not to because you will. But the experience begins to fade and you'll move on. Big smile, chin-up mate.

I know I will eventually obsess about it, even if I fight it, specially when I meet someone new. Now it's no longer that dark, gloomy cloud hanging above my head, but I do think these things make a dent in one's psyche. Oh well, one more little trauma to deal with...

Thanks for the responses guys.