Phoneguy2 - Archived Blog Posts

[phoneguy2]

I have never done a Blog or online journal. The idea does appeal to me, as it will be a way to express my thoughts on the day or life in general and be able to share that with others. If you read this, don't expect great insight into the problems of the world, although I do hold very opinions on a lot of that. What you probably will find are thoughts on current events as they affect me, reflections on things past and how they compare to what is going in todays world, and little glimpes of what makes up the character of the JUB member known as phoneguy2.

Probably you will be bored or say to yourself, "So that's why he thinks like that." Events from our past shape us into what we are now the same as current events can change the way we view ourselves and others around us. Part of living is changing and growing. This journal will give me a chance to share my growth and changes with others. I am not egotistical enough to believe that I could change someone else's life by my words but I do believe that some one could possible learn from some of my past experiences.

I hope you enjoy reading this log as much as I will enjoy writing it.

 

[phoneguy2]

The departure of Sleeping Dragon and Vanticat, although sad as their lack of input is a loss for this community, has made me think of my own presence on these boards and the time that I spend in cyberspace. Many times we have laughed about being addicted to this site and how much time is spent here, while other things slip by the wayside.

Does spending a good deal of time perusing the forums affect my life in other areas? Yes. While the morning coffee is brewing I fire up the computer so I can read the latest happenings while enjoying my first cup. Usually the last thing I do before bed is check one last time to see who has posted and what. Many times I have sat at the computer here in JUB and not gone to the store before it closed or let the dishes slide while I got my fix. I have not read a book in over a month nor do I call my sisters or visit with real life friends.

Is this a bad thing? No, for the majority of the time. Living in a rural area there is little exposure to gays and the gay culture. JUB has become my answer for that. While my daily life involves interacting with many, many people, they are str8 and the inner me is left to wonder how I fit in with it at all. Here, I can release that inner self and there is no question as to how I fit in. Growing up in the 60's and coming out in the 70's I had learned to hide the 'gay side' of me and it is refreshing to able to let it all out now. Granted, I only know what is allowed of the people who populate these boards but some of the real them shows through in their posts and comments.

In the past few days there has been much conversation on neg rep and what type of threads are posted. The diversity of both members and topics on this board is what makes it what it is. If there is nothing of interest, at the moment on the main forum I can go to the political forum for serious conversation or the fun and games forum for light hearted entertainment. There are also all of the picture forums, which do a fantastic job of getting my mind off of everything else. Having been a member and active poster for 9 months now I enjoy seeing the encouragement of new members and rewarding of older ones via the welcome and congratulatory threads. So many members have joined and dropped out to never be heard from again, we should encourage any who stay and post so we have something to read and look at.

 

[phoneguy2]

Well, after promising Auto for months now that I would, I finally sat down and wrote what I think is an erotic story. I posted it a little while ago in the story forum. I still don't believe I did it. What was really funny is that I got rather excited while writing it. Almost had to take a break. So maybe others will find it somewhat erotic and then I will write another. Actually this is something I have secretly longed to do but never quite got the courage to try it. So if any one reads this blog, go check out my story, Closing time and the Stranded Stranger, in the erotic story forum, and let me know what you think.

work is becomiong a royal pain right now. My PMS boss and her two little snitches have been really causing trouble. Oh well, at least on the night shift I don't have to put with them, just their messes.

One of my sister's turned 60 the other day and today or tomorrow is a party for her. Since I am not sure which day it is, I guess you can figure out that I am not going. My youngest sister is still making me upset so I am still avoiding any contact with her. For my birthday last month she e-mailed me the last pictures of Mom taken just days before she passed away. I had not gone to see her because I was having trouble seeing her that way. I wanted to keep my memories of Mom as she was before she got sick. she understood that as we had talked about it before she got really bad. the last thing i wanted was to open a Happy Birthday e mail and see her like that. Happy Birthday my ass. Oh well, everyone handles grief in their own way. But I can live with the decisions I made about Mom at the end and, to me, that is all that counts.

I feel better now that I got that out. I guess this blog will come in handy afterall. If anyone reads this, more ramblings later.

 

[phoneguy2]

The past week has been a very productive one, the first in quite a while. I had a project for each day and strived to make small gains. It started Saturday with getting the computer desk, then cleaning the living room and moving furniture around to accomodate the desk. This led to the kitchen, then the bedroom. Slowly through all of this my apartment has once again become my 'home' and not just the place I stayed while not at work.

How had come to such a low spot? what were the reasons? The past year and a half have been a slow drain on my emotional well being, with each new occurance building on the the previous ones until I reached a point I no longer cared about anything.

Through entries in this blog I shall try to examine some of those occurances and understand why they affected as they did and then attempt to grow from the knowledge. I know not if any one will read these entries but the act of writing them down is my way of of confronting and overcoming them.

The beginning of this self evaluation is also one of the high points of my life. That will be my entry for today. I shall call this Jason and the horses.

I had been managing the store on the interstate for three years and was spending a great deal of my time at work. Several days a week a guy came in to buy diesel fuel for his truck. He was pulling a horse trailer and had a jogging cart in the back of the truck. We started talking and he explained he was training a horse at the local racetrack. I had been going up there with a friend so I was curious about this aspect of the sport. Now that we knew one of the 'insiders' my friend and I went to the track and bet on Jason's horse. She came in second and I realized a modest profit. The next time he came in I told him this and he asked if I would like to go with him some night and see how the barn and all the behind the scenes things worked. Of course, I jumped at the chance. Within a month I was going to the track with him every time he went, also going out to the farm where his horse was kept and helping with the 'chores'. Before long I was investing in his endeavers. Finally after about three months of this I bought my own horse. After three starts and three last place finishes, one of which my horse didn't even finsh, I sold him for half of what I paid. After a time of just helping and being a silent partner in the other horses I bought a horse from his brother and once again had no luck in winning. Although she did come in in the middle of the pack and not just last. Even though this adventure was costing me a lot of money and I was not getting any return, I was having the time of my life. I learned a lot about caring for and training harness racehorses. I could completely prep one for a race myself and even had the chance a couple of times when Jason couldn't go to the track and I went alone. I even enjoyed cleaning the stalls and doing the menial jobs such as bathing and grooming the horses.

Although this sounds good, and it was, one major problem surfaced during this time. I fell in love with Jason. How wonderful this could have been, two guys in love doing something they loved and enjoyed together, except for the fact that Jason was str8 and married with children.

The feelings between us were very strong. There were times that he joked I was his second wife. In many ways we had the perfect relationship except that it was a platonic one. I found that I could live with this. Just being with him sharing all that we did was enough to keep me happy.

During this time, problems at work kept developing. I was working 7 days a week most of the time, averaging 60-80 hours a week. I was not recieving any support from the owner of the station and things were deterriorating fast. Burnout was consuming me but I was unaware of how much. Finally in October of 2002 I walked out. I had never done that but I had reached a point that I couldn't take any more. I spent two weeks visiting with my Amish friends and started to relax and see how low I had fallen. I considered moving down to that area and even started looking for a job down there. When I told Jason about my plans he suggested that I stay with him and his family for a while and try getting a job around here. So I moved in and that is when the problems started between us.

enough for today. I'll continue later.

 

[phoneguy2]

Somehow in this mind that hasn't been quite right getting my apartment in order is mixed in with getting my life in order. Since both have been neglected for too long sorting out the apartment is helping me sort out my feelings and come to grips with some of them. does it really matter how this is accomplished? I don't think so. As long as what I am doing seems to be working, I am feeling better everyday, I am not about to question the rationale behind it. Today has been spent so far finishing the bedroom and getting the bathroom ready for the washer and dryer I am buying tomorrow. Having to haul laundry to the laundromat has been a very easy excuse for putting off doing it. Instead of doing all of the laundry I have been doing 'selective' laundry, basically doing what will get me by until the next time. Having my own washer and dryer will herlp in that respect I am sure.

Yesterday I wrote a little of the good times with Jason and the horses, today I am going to explore the downfall of that relationship and the impact that had on me. Again, I am not sure if any one is reading any of this but just writing it out is helping me and that is what this whole exercise is about.

I moved in Jason and his family, his wife was pregnant with their third child. At first I 'crashed' on the sofa bed in the computer room and when Jason had a break from school we cleaned out one of the upstairs rooms to be mine. Jason was going to school to get his RN and his wife was already working as one at a local hospital.

Things went fairly well, I did have trouble finding a job and finally after 6 weeks of looking accepted a part time position where I am still working. I had my own room upstairs, the only other room being used up there was the computer room. The friendship between Jason and myself stayed strong and we would spend as much time together as we could. Nights would find us in either the computer room or my room discussing his school work, religion, politics, horses, basically anything and everything.

During this time I developed back trouble. It started as just back pain, then the pain started going down my right leg. Before long my leg started to become numb. Soon I was doctoring for it and ended up being scheduled for surgery.

Also during this time Jason started studying with a 'study buddy' at school. This led to hours long conversations on the phone or via instant messaging. At first I was included in the conversations but soon I was excluded and I began to suspect that there was more than studying going on. As the relationship with his study buddy, a woman BTW, the relationship between he and I deterrioated fast. I felt I could not condone his having an affair while I was living with he and his wife. I could hardly look at her let alone get into any type of conversation. I wanted to tell her so much but knew that would be the wrong thing to do. A part of me also felt like he was 'cheating' on me also, since our time together had been replaced with his 'study(?)' time. I told him of my suspicions and he denied it of course. They were just friends. After that I was locked out of most of his life and when we did see each other we barely spoke. At one point I was on the computer and his study buddy messaged me and we talked for a while. I did accuse her of being a homewrecker and when Jason came home he asked if I had talked to her. When I said yes, he immediately called her and was rather furious with me for what I had said. I tried to explain that we needed to talk and he basically said that her friendship was more important than mine. I decided then that it was time to move out but was scheduled for surgery within a few weeks.

The day I was to go to the surgeon to set up my surgery Jason was out of town and did not accompany me. As it happened I went to the hospital that night and had the surgery the next morning. Needless to say Jason did not come to the hospital at all the next day as he had a study date set up. When I got out of the hospital I spent time at my sister's and Mother's houses until I was to go back to work.

I then found this apartment and moved in three weeks after my surgery. Jason did help with one load which contained the bigger furniture that I was unable to move by myself. In the year and a half that I have lived here Jason has been here twice. At least once a week he is at the grocery store across the street and/or eating at the bar downstairs. By the same token I have not been back at his house since I moved out. What had been a very strong relationship had turned into nothing. I felt empty and alone. I also found myself very apprehensive in accepting new friends. After having given so much of myself in that relationship I was wary of ending up hurt and alone again. Even friendships that had already been established were suspect. I pulled into myself and basically became a hermit, venturing out of my apartment only to go to work. I did continue to visit my Mother but not quite as often as I had before. She could sense that there was a change taking place within me but I could not bring myself to talk about it, even with her.

That first summer and fall on my own went by without too much happening. I halfheartedly settled into my routines and kept to myself. I missed Jason quite a lot but was too stubborn to make the first move. Actually I did on a couple of occassions but nothing came of my attempts.

The holidays came and I was looking forward to the new year as in my mind a new year would put an end to the 'bad' times of 2003 and I would get a new start with 2004. Little did I know how things would compound in the new year to take me down even lower, to the point that I found myself in three weeks ago. So the new year will be a new entry.

 

[phoneguy2]

The weekend is past and the new week has begun. After work on Saturday a friend and I went to the next little town over and picked up a washer and dryer I had bought from a guy I used to work with. Since I live on the second floor of an old (late 1800's) building getting them up to the apartment was a venture worthy of slapstick comedy. Getting them to fit into the little alcove in my bathroom involved removing the baseboard on both sides and squeezing them into place. I won't have to worry about the washer moving around too much as there is no room.

Since totalling my truck last January I have had to do 'selective' laundry when I could get a ride to the laundromat 20 miles away, send out some to a laundry service through the local grocery store, or handwash items I needed. During my depressive state the last few months about all I worried having clean was work clothes. But now that I have a washer and dryer in the apartment I spent the weekend getting caught up on the neglected clothes.

I think that during the last week I have done more in the way of cleaning the apartment than I have in the past 6-8 months. But in doing all of this activity I have started feeling better and better about myself. By once again caring what my surroundings are like I once again began caring about myself. I think the main problem with me these last months is that I had lost all pride of self. This led to a loss of pride in other areas also. By working in reverse and restoring the pride in my surroundings I am once again restoring pride in me.

Yesterday (Sunday) Jason came into the store after church. We talked for a while and he said he was going to Pontiac for shopping. I told him I needed to go to get a splitter for my cable. I explained to him what I needed and he said he would try to get it. Since there was only 15 minutes left in my shift I suggested he wait and I would go with him. We had a nice 2 hour or so trip and managed to talk a little about what it has been like for each of us since we no longer are 'together'. Granted it wasn't in depth but we did both admit to missing the other. As I got out of his car we agreed that we need to do something together soon.

One of the topics of conversations was the death of my Mother. I still am having a difficult time discussing this but he did listen to what I was saying and offered some advice and encouragement. He seemed to feel that I am now on the 'right road' in dealing with it rahter than letting myself sit around and do nothing. Since part of my malaise was not communicating he had no idea that I was suffering as much as I had been.

Even as I write this today I feel uncomfortable discussing it. The grief process is a long one and maybe later i will be able to adequately describe and discuss my feelings. But for now I am concentrating on my psyche and will close this entry with the knowledge that this weekend was a constructive one and even better days are ahead.

 

[phoneguy2]

The cableguy came today and I now have 99 channels to surf. Since I last owned a TV there certainly has been a lot of changes. As I was surfing the list of channels trying to decipher all those initials my sister called to inform that she has finally purchased a computer. This is a woman who didn't get her driver's license until she was 30 and now she has a computer and the internet. She is 14 months younger than myself and she and I have always been close. For now she is the only one of the 5 sisters I am speaking to. After she finished gushing about her new computer I told her I had become the owner of a TV, she was as shocked by that news as I was by hers. So I guess both of us 'oldies' have entered the new century and are exporing the new terrain.

She wanted my email addy so I gave her my main one and the JUB one. Since I have told her about the forum at various times she decided she is going to check it out. Surprisingly I think that is a good idea. All through the years we have shared all aspects of our lives and I like the idea that she wants to share this aspect of mine as well. I know I wouldn't want any of the other 4 sisters browsing around in the forums but this sister is special and very supportive of me and my lifestyle.

I found it interesting that both of us would alter our opinion of something so drastically at the same time. I have for years resisted the idea of owning a TV in much the same way she has resisted owning a computer. And in the same weekend we both dropped our resistance and aquired the thing we had so resisted. I guess that shows that we are similar in many ways.

As for the other sisters, I feel as though we do not belong to the same family. Everything about us is so completely different. As long as Mom was alive we were forced to be 'together' but now there doesn't seem to be any valid reason to be a part of their lives. Is this just part of the grief process? Have the comments made during the days we were all together making the arrangements and the funeral formalities stayed with me and the hurt I felt prejudging me against them? I wish I knew the answers to those questions. I know I was deeply hurt by my youngest sister's inappropriate comment during our first 'family' dinner. Whether she meant to or not, she did compare homosexuality with pedophilia. Her insensitivity and the way the other 3 sisters rallied around her left me feeling like an outcast. In the 4 months since Mom's funeral she has continued to show that she is an insensitive, cold person and not really someone I would care to socialize with. Because we are bound by blood, does that mean we must interact with each other regardless of any other factors? At this time I don't believe so but this is a subject I will visit many times again to see if my feelings change.

It is at times like this that I miss my Mother so much. She is the person I would turn to for advice on my feelings and perceptions of the situation. It was her wisdon and understanding that would help me see through the confussion of an issue and come to a logical and sinsible conclussion. The void that has left in my heart seems to overwhelm me at times. The knowledge that Mom is no longer a phone call or hour's drive away weighs upon me. Not a day goes by that I don't reach for the phone or think i need to tell Mom this or that. I am hoping that that feeling or desire will diminish with time. I know when I have lost other loved ones that it did to some extent. I do know that she would not have wanted me to be depressed and in a way that knowledge gives me hope that I will be able to overcome these feelings and return to the life that she was so proud I lived.

 

[phoneguy2]

After months of neglect I have finally gotten the apartment clean and organized. I didn't do this in one big attempt but rather small attempts focused on an area at a time. There is one area left that I have had on my 'to do' list several times and have been unable to tackle it. That is the dining room table. Any of you reading this may laugh at that statement. I mean what could be so difficult about clearing off the dining room. The entrance to my apartment opens into a small entry hall and then there are five steps down into the dining room. The table is the first thing that is encountered upon coming down those five steps. That is where anything in my hand upon entering is placed so it contains mail, newspapers, and some other things starting from the first week of June. The newspapers contain obituaries, the mail contains sympathy cards and the other things contain things brought home from the wake funeral and meetings at my sisters. I did remove a flower basket and put it with some other baskets in the living room but I seem to be unable to face the obits, cards and such from my Mom's death and funeral. Part of this is guilt. I hadn't gone to visit Mom in about a month and even though she understood the reasons as to why I still feel guilty about that. Why couldn't I visit her?

To answer that question I have to go back to January 1990. Karen, my wife and soul mate was diagnosed with cancer. By the time it was discovered it was wrapped around her aorta artery, in her stomach and liver and spreading fast. The diagnosis was not good, three to six months. After consulting with two different oncologists we decided to not do any treatments. Surgery was not an option because of the aorta, radiation was out because of the liver and chemo would have put her through immense pain since most of her stomach was comsumed by the cancer. Working with the doctors and Hospice I kept Karen home and 'nursed' her as well as I could. I could see the tumor spreading uner her skin as she had lost so much weight. I saw where it had grown under her skull and into the brain. I did everything I possibly could to make those last months for her the best possible. We moved as one most of the time and the Hospice nurses were surprised how we could communicate without speaking. My entire being was given over to her care and keeping her comfortable. On March 18, 1990 she died peacefully in my arms.

After her funeral the Hospice asked me to volunteer with them as I seemed to have a special gift for that type of care. I told them i couldn't as my gift was one of Love and could not be applied to just anybody. they understood and then began my attempts to distance myself from sickness and death.

A year later my Father had a maasive stroke in his brain stem and was hospitalized for a month. He was then placed in a nursing home and I did all I could for him for the next three years. If he was having a good day and able I would take out just to ride around and see what was going on. During those rides we talked about everything, including why we didn't get along very well when I was younger and we established a strong bond that had been missing in my childhood. In May 1994 he had another stroke and was hospitaliozed once again. After a few dys he began to 'shut down' and the doctors told us the end was near. I was working the midnight shift at the time and went to the hospital when they called as his time was ending. When I walked into the room I could sense that his death was very near and so I kissed him on his bald head, a ritual we had developed during the last three years, and went back to work. Two hours later they called to say he had gone. I could not stand to be in his when that time came so that is why I left. My Mother and two of my sisters understood this and nothing was said about my leaving.

Now we come to January of this year. My Mother had a stroke and was not expected to survive. I went to the hospital, spent two nights sleeping in her room and watched her fade away. She did pull through though and when she was able we discussed what had happened and how it had affected me. We talked about Karen and my Father and I explained to her that I could not go through that with her. She understood and agreed with my feelings. Several more times in the following months we had those same experiences, a stroke, not expected to make it and then coming out of it. But each time she was more incapacitated and the recovery was less. I did go to the hospital each time but stayed a shorter time and was more disturbed byu what was happening. In May after another of the episodes her doctor and my family decided that it would be better for her not to be taken back to the hospital but kept in the nursing home and let death come naturally. I went to the nursing home once after that. I am unable to describe her condition but can only describe the feelings that overcame me. She looked at me but there was no recognition in her eyes, just a vacant stare then back to sleep. The feeling that her death was imminate was all around me and I couldn't wait to get away. I kissed her and left. My sisters kept me up to date on her condition but I could not bring myself to go there again. She never fully regained conscienenceness and slowly faded away. On the day she passed my sister called me to come up there. I couldn't go. She passed away before I could have gotten there anyway but the fact that I couldn't go stays with me. I know I would not have made a difference as she did not wake up. If she could have felt my precence and been in a little more peace, I do not know. Could I accept her death easier by having witnessed the final breath. I don't think so. I have a hard time accepting that the woman who gave me life, nutured me through all of the trials and tribulations of life is no longer able to do that.

So the dining room table sits there with the newspapers and cards and reminders of that week. How long will that be, I don't know. I thought writing all this down would give me the strength to sort through it but I cannot. Both Karen's and my Father's deaths afgfected me strongly and still seem to be open wounds but this one is different. I never really considered myslef a 'momma's boy' but I was extremely close to my Mom. It was four months a couple days ago and the holiday season is fast approaching and the table remains cluttered.

 

[phoneguy2]

Last night I bought a new framed print for my living room. It is 16X20 watercolor of an Amish family in the their horse drawn qwagon. The children are feeding some geese. I hung it on the wall of the living room leading into the bedroom and hung my Amish hat next to it.

While hanging the pic and hat I got thinking about my visit to the Amish and the horse sale last month. In talking with my friend's father, an old, wise Amishman, I was inspired by something he said. I can't quote it exactly but a paraphrase is: Leave the past where it is and enjoy the good of today.

So in the spirit of the Amish I am proclaiming today to be a good day and shall enjoy my day off. It looks as if we are going to have another fine fall day, the sun is shining and the colors of fall are starting to show all around town. A good day for a walk.

 

[phoneguy2]

I really don't know to astart with this or where it will go, I am just going to let the thoughts flow out of this rusted trap I call a mind. when I got home from today the first thing I did was check the boards. What a sad state it seems to be in. First I come across *JR*'s thread about leaving. Then on page 2 of that thread I see the response from levis501s that he is also leaving. I cannot adequately express how this makes me feel. both of these members have been here quite a while and have been a positive addition to the boards. Both have rallied around other members when a need has arisen, myself included in that. Both will be truly missed if they do decide to leave the boards. (I am holding out hope that they both change their minds)

How can something like this happen? My feeling is because we are dealing with the written word. When we are having a conversation with someone, there is body language, tone of voice, facial expression and other signs as to how the spoken word is meant to be taken. When we are writing our words these 'clues' are lacking. For example if I were to look at a friend and say "you are an asshole" he can see the little glint in my eyes that says I am fooling with you. If I were to send him an e-mail that said the same thing he wouldn't really know how I meant it and depending on his frame of mind at the time his reaction could be totally different. Since this community is based on virtual reality instead of just reality we are left to interpate how the words are meant. Not an easy task under most circumstances. I know that I have, on occassion, writtena response that in my mind was meant one way and was taken completely different by someone else. This has also happened in the reverse. I have recieved a comment from someone and took it to mean something completely different from how it was meant. So how, when we are dealing exclusively with the written word do we keep from having more of these differences? I feel it is because when reading a post we look at the personality behind the words. After spending time on the boards we develope a distintive personality that most members identify us with. I know I am known as a joker who occassionally gets serious. When reading a post I consider the poster then I will get an idea of how the post was meant to be taken. If the post is from someone I have not had much contact with I will read it two or three times and if I am still not sure then I let it go and wait for more posts from that member so I can get a better idea of the personality behind it.

My feeling on the current situation is simply, why cut off your nose to spite your face. The overall sense of the board and community should outweigh any one post or thread. With the number of members who actively post it would be impossible to completely agree with each and every one. As long as I agree with the majority it is a good thing. I think everyone one should sit back and reflect on why we are a member of JUB and why we continue to be such. The total community is the best there is on the net and without it my life would be a lot less than it is.

 

[phoneguy2]

Hate is such a strong emotion. It will affect and do harm to the person harboring it more so than the object of the affection. I know all of this is true, I also know that one shouldn't actually hate another person, but I am developing such a strong dislike for one of my coworkers that it is borderline hate. She is lazy, since I work with mostly minimum wage type workers this is somethiong I don't particularly like but can live with. She is a two faced liar, this is where the problem comes in. I cannot tolerate liars at all and ones who are nice to your face and then stab you in the back make my blood boil. Yesterday I had to 'exist' with her while I was preparing to open the store. I don't like to be locked in the store her alone as she is the type that would file a sexual harrassment suit, as if I would even think sexual thoughts about her, let alone act on them. I forgot to look at the schedule but I am pretty sure she is off today and I have the other baker to be with. his one I enjoy working with so it will be a good start for my day.

 

[phoneguy2]

I guess I am really starting to get better and back to my old self. Part of my decline was in becoming a hermit and never having anyone come over to the apartment or actually even go any where. After things went sour with Jason I got so I had trouble trusting people. When I met Chad, the original phoneguy, we would go out to the bar once in a while to play darts or pool and he would come into to work and talk for a while a couple of times a week. At the end of May he quit coming around and then I went into my little decline and didn't care. The other day I was outside work smoking and he stopped to talk. I told him he should stop by someday for a beer when he gets off work and he said he might. Just asking him to stop by was a big step for me. I felt good about it. Not because he might stop by but because I actually had asked him to.

Now tonight Justin comes in for gas on his way home from work. He works at a grain elevator and has been very busy this past six weeks. We had talked a while back about getting together for a beer when things slowed down. So tonight he was in at 5:30 and I was kidding him about work slowing down and maybe we'll get to go out for that beer soon. Next thing you know, I invited him up to the apartment tomorrow night (my night off) He said he wasn't sure if he would have to work late or not but if he got off early again he would come up. I am actually excited about that idea because i would like to get to know a little better. I'm not sure of his orientation but I have a feeling I might have a chance. I'll just to have to see how the night goes.

Rereading this I sound almost like a slut, inviting two different guys up to my apartment within a matter of a couple of days. Phoneguy (Chad) is str8 and the object of my lust but he is just a friend. Justin might turn out to be more but even if it doesn't he could also turn into a friend.

 

[phoneguy2]

It is now Tuesday and I am having second thoughts about inviting Justin over tonight. I did change the sheets on the bed, even added an extra pillow (wishful thinking?) and have straightened up the apartment.

I just read Gery's thread "have you ever..." and have to agree with all of his statements. Having been single for 11 years or so I have many times longed to have someone to share the good and bad times with. Now I wonder if that desire isn't making me a little over anxious about tonight. I have to keep telling myself that I am just inviting someone over in an attempt to get to know him better. No expectations beyond that, but then some little part of me has it's fingers crossed that something will click between us.

I guess this is a by product of being single and living alone, second guessing and over analyzing every decision. Although the weather today seems to be cooperating (overcast and occassional rain) there is the chance that Justin will have to work late today and not even make it over.

Here I go back in circles. Time to finish the day off chores and act like today is a normal everyday kind of day. But then again...........

 

[phoneguy2]

Justin did not come up last night. The amazing thing to me about it is that I am okay with it and still feel really good about having invited him in the first place. For me, inviting someone over was the major step. It would have been nice spending an evening with some one but the fact that I have left my shell long enough to even consider that prospect is progress. In my last entry I mentioned that I had changed the sheets in anticipation of something more, but that was more or less my joking around as Tuesday is the day I do that anyway. I spent the day as I would a normal day off as far as doing laundry, cleaning etc so there wasn't really any special preparation.

Doing routine household chores was one of the things that I had let slip by the wayside so getting myself back into that habit is the major thing now. I did think during the day that I wanted to look good if he showed but as I layed on the couch and watched the old movie "Airplane" I looked around and realized how it is to have the nice clean apartment for me. A month ago my attitude was, it's just me here so what does it matter if the place looks like a landfill.

I will probably hear from Justin tonight or tomorrow night at work (I didn't give him my phone number) and maybe we will try to get together again.

But for now I am just glad to be at the point of caring about myself and my surroundings.

 

[phoneguy2]

Yes, I think a lot.

It has been a month since i made the post "Do I need professional help" in which I admitted that I had fallen into a state of apathy and probably a depression. Because of that post and the replies that it recieved I came to realize that I needed to take control of my life and 'get over myself'. I started my personal project (clean the house, clean the mind) and now am doing a progress check. What started as small steps in the cleaning process finally resulted in my apartment being put back into order and I am now down to routine 'chores', both the daily and semi-weekly type. Before I leave for work day I make sure the bed is made, dishes from the previous night are done and clutter is picked up or discarded. On days off I do laundry, dust and the bigger chores. The best consciequence of this is that I come home to a clean, tidy house and feel good about it. I have written about some the experiences that have 'bothered' me and in doing so looked at them objectively and quit lugging them around. I have a few more to work through but this is an ongoing project.

Overall, I feel much better about myself and my surroundings. I have returned to communicating on a daily basis instead of brooding over my misfortunes. So is this progress? I think so. Do I still have more to achieve? I think so. And most important, Am I a better person than I was a month ago? Definately. I feel more confident and alive. I am happier. And I look forward to each new development in this process.

 

[phoneguy2]

I am the type of personality that if I am upset with someone they know it. If I particularly don't like a person they definately know it. Working in the public it sometimes seems I am an automon, saying 'anything else', stating the amount, and a standard 'thank you' without any inflection or feeling while giving change. Normally a customer, even a stranger, would get a good morning or evening and some type of verbal exchange. So, yes, I am not a two faced person at all. I simply cannot say something like "Oh it's so good to see you today" when inside I wish I never had to look at that person again. When I was upset (still am BTW) with my younger sister last June I avoided her as much as possible and when near her tried not to talk to her. If I were forced to it was short, to the point, and somewhat cold. That's just me. Be it right or wrong, it is the way I am and at least people aren't guessing where they stand with me.

There is a guy at work, I have spoken of him in posts and chats, that drives me completely insane. Some could say he is mentally challanged but he isn't. He is 31, lives with his mother and is so sheltered he doesn't even have a drivers' licence, never has. When a customer ordered a pizza with 3/4 sausage and 1/4 cheese I even tried drawing a circle split in quarters to explain it to him. He still didn't get it. I finally made the pizza. I fired him once when the boss on was vacation but she took him back when she returned. He totally drives me crazy.

Two nights ago he walked into work, he lives in an apartment right behind the store, carrying two pieces of cake. He offered me one and the following exchange took place:

him: here's a piece of cake for you
me: what's it for?
him: my birthday today
me: who baked it?
him: my mother
me: No thankyou, I don't want it.

Oh, I forgot to write about his mother. She is the one who has sheltered him all this time, in fact she still treats him like he is 7 or 8 years old. If I were to correct him or point something out to him in a boss type way, he would call her and she would then call me back and scream at me for being mean to her little boy. (her exact words) She has been barred from going into the bank, doctor's office, and grocery store here in town. (Remember this is a town of a little over 500 people) One night I was called into to work because of a disturbance and it was her screaming at the cashier for mistreating timmy. The cashier had told him to shut up and go back to the kitchen and work. I finally had to call the police to have her removed from the store and that ended with her being told by the police she could not go into the store. It now stands that she can't go in there when I am working.

When the cake was offered to me the image of the old crone giving Snow White the apple flashed through my mind. In fact I may have made a comment as to hard telling what she would have put into the piece of cake knowing it was going to me.

The next morning he told my boss I was being mean to him and good ole PMS agreed. She said I should have taken the cake and then thrown it away. To me that is being two faced. So was I being rude or was I being true to my personality? I guess the answer would depend on the individual.

My take is I am me and you get what you get but at least you will know what you are getting.

 

[phoneguy2]

Yesterday I posted a thread about a nude calendar. It included a link to a page that said Pron Freak in flashing black and white with sirens in the background. It was posted as humor and although most of the replies damned me for doing it I felt they were also posted as humor and was not at all disturbed by being called the names I had been. But this morning I recieved my first negative rep for that post.

After having waded through all of the threads and posts concerning negative rep in the recent past I have always wondered how I would feel if I should ever recieve one. Well, wonder no more as now I know. It really didn't phase me that much. Granted, it looks rather out of place at the top of all those little green squares but it is a reminder that not everyone feels the same way about things. I thought the calendar thing was funny when it was sent to me as an e-mail from my sister. I could have placed a disclaimer in my post such as "Warning link contains a heart stopping surpirze" but that would have diminished the joke. Several months ago there was a trend to post links that led to some type of picture that would suddenly change to a screaming rat or some such thing. Oh how many times my heart skipped a beat over those. My thread with the link included could be considered in the same category. I still find the link humorous, some don't, one so much so that he was led to neg rep me for it, and yes, it was signed. But in a place such as JUB not everyone will agree with everything all the time. Would I post a similar link again? Most definately. Now that I have a red square will I think twice before posting to prevent getting another? Not in the least. We are all entitled to our opinions and tastes. Has my life changed because of this? Nope. That one little red square will rest in my list of reps as a reminder that not everyone agrees with me.

 

[phoneguy2]

A couple of months ago I talked with my supervisor about moving to another store and becoming the manager. She had one in Indiana that needed a manager so I put in for it. I wasn't chosen as the need for a manager was immediate and therefore would not be the time for me to move, etc.

Last night she called me to see if I was still interested in moving and getting my own store. It is another Indiana store but the need is not immediate so there would be a little time for me to make arrangements to move. My sister and I are going to 'check out' the store this afternoon but actually the store itself is not one of the issues involved. Since I work for a chain most of the stores are similar and the operations are basically the same. The two main issues are: 1) Can I afford to move at this time and 2) do I really want to move. Since the salary would be considerably higher than what I am now recieving the costs of the move would be more than compensated for. It would just be the out of pocket expenses involved. My budget is tight but I think I could work it all out. As for the second question, that is where I am a little torn. Since Mom passed away there is really nothing to hold me in this area. I have lots of aquaintances but very few actual friends around here. I love my apartment and have just now got it looking the way I want it. The rent I pay here is very cheap and I have no idea how rent will be in the other area, although that is one thing my sister and I will check out while we are up there.

As for my ability to manage my own store I have no doubts. After almost two years as assistant manager here I feel I have the knowledge and ability to take over. So does my supervisor. So the idea and actual fact of moving seems to be the main question.

Decisions, I hate them.

 

[phoneguy2]

I went to see the store I was offered and it is really nice. It is the newer design made out of brick instead of metal and is located on the road to the lake. The area seems good, I hadn't been up there in years, and I picked up a copy of the local paper to check out available housing. I have made some preliminary plans here to start getting ready for the move but have to wait on the final word from 'up above' before I start the real plans.

My supervisor has put the idea to the district manager and now I am waiting on all of the formalities to go through.

The idea of having my own store gets more exciting all the time. Last night while working I found I was looking at everythng in a 'what I would do' attitude. Being an assistant manager with asperations of moving up I have done that all along but last night seemed different.

Also last night I realized that due to the logistics of moving I may end up off line for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the new position and store will keep me busy enough that I won't have serious JUB withdrawal.

So now I wait, and wait..........

 

[phoneguy2]

Here we go.....

My supervisor called tonight and I have an 11AM interview with the district manager tomorrow in Indiana. I HATE INTERVIEWS!!!!!! I probably won't sleep at all tonight, I have already picked out and discarded three outfits. My super said to relax, since I have two years in with the company the interview is basically a formality but I am still nervous. Plus I have to drive 60+ miles to get to it. I'm a wreck.

I know I want this promotion but wish I didn't have to be interviewed. At least my supervisor will be there with me.

The lady I will be replacing is going to be 'let go' tomorrow so it may be necessary to move up my plans to move. So many thoughts going around in my head tonight. After the interview and IF I get the promotion I will go up to the new town, it's 10 miles from where I will be, and check out a couple of apartments. So much to do.