Physical vs. emotional sexuality

[none_2362]

Do you guys think there's a distinction between physical and emotional attraction? For example, for those of you who are gay, are you both physically and emotionally attracted to men; and for those who are bi, are you attracted to both sexes on both fronts?

I'm curious because I'm confused about my own sexuality. I am definitely into guys physically; I check them out, lust after them... the usual stuff. I'm not into girls this way at all; though the idea of having sex with a girl does not turn me off, nor does it turn me on at all.

However, emotionally, its a different scenerio entirely! I can only develop romantic feelings for girls (even though I don't find them physically attractive), speaking to a girl I like makes me flushed. Whereas the closest relationship a guy can hope for with me is for us to become best buddies who perhaps fool around occasionally, I can never actually love him.

So what would you guys say I am; gay, bi or straight? Also, is anyone else here like me, or do you all have your orientations clearly defined?

 

[kallipolis]

Coming to terms with who we are, usually takes a life time of attempting to discover our self. Many people choose never to reveal who they really are, even to them self.

Rather than make assumptions about who you might be, let life allow its opportunities to permit you to reveal who you are.

The greatest challenge for most people is to accept who we are, and then to become that person.

Patience reveals the wisdom that life will bestow on all who choose to follow its choices, rather than in any thought that we can outsmart nature's choices for us.

 

[hanshansen]

On the face of it, your situation is pretty clear – you lust after men, whereas thinking about women doesn’t turn you on physically. QED. But we get turned on by images and ideas, so that is a mental as well as a physical thing. That complicates things. I do get turned on thinking about women, but only if I fantasize that the woman in question knows that I also get turned on by men, isn’t bothered by that and if anything finds me even more attractive as a result. My physical feelings for women have changed over time and still fluctuate. I think it can also be hard to figure out what you are really responding to when you develop romantic feelings for someone. I have had two painful emotional crushes on other men. In both cases physical attraction was a very small part of it, I never thought of having sex (or anything like it) with them. But I built up this fantasy that they might be gay or bi, would therefore understand what was going on inside me and that hence there was this deep unspoken spiritual bond. I have also had strong, though much less painful, romantic feelings for a woman once. We met on an overseas trip, she was incredibly sexy, charming, kind, understanding, I felt great being around her (and flattered), and we lived on different continents and would never see each other again, so I didn’t have to think about any consequences.

In my case, I’ve decided both physically and emotionally the balance tips one way. But in the end, I only broke out of the confusion (which lasted for years) by framing the question differently. Being straight ultimately means falling in love, getting married, having kids and settling down. Ask yourself seriously if doing that would cause any problems for you. For example, if a woman fell deeply in love with you, would you be able to reciprocate or would you be short-changing her. Picture your wedding night. What would it mean for you in a relationship if you were unable to stop lusting after men. Regardless of the exact nature of your sexuality, if these thoughts scare you, then there is something there that needs dealing with. Doesn't mean you shouldn't feel free to discover more about your feelings and take things as they come, as kallipolis said.

 

[hermanding]

flushed with girls? doesn't that mean some kind of fisical reaction?
ding

 

[Riverrick]

I had no trouble caring greatly for my gf's before I came out. I had a very deep emotional connection with them.

But once I fell in love with a guy, nothing matched it. I thought about him day and night and would cancel all other plans just to be with him. He fulfilled me emotionally and physically.

You may never know until, perhaps, you fall for a guy.

 

[colemanshs]

I was there at one point but now I feel like I could have a meaningful relationship with a guy--one full of emotional feelings and physical attraction.

I don't know whether or not I'd be able to get into a complex relationship with a girl now, though. I am attracted to them physically but I don't know if I could actually commit to one. I have been afraid to feel this way but it looks like I'll only be happy with a guy.

Good luck to you!

 

[Something Else]

well I'm Bi, though my sexuality is really REALLY odd, lol--after a lot of introspection.

physically, I'm more attracted to men's bodies more than their face--though a handsome face is nice, just not enough

with women, I'm more attracted to their face (eyes, lips and soft clear skin); though a sexy body on a woman will make my head turn, it isn't enough if the face is unattractive to me.

emotionally, women can get me without even trying. I've realized that it's because things flow easily, and it comes very natural between us. The only gripe is that they usually can become emotionally overbearing--which I thought was something I didn't want until...

I've dealt with men, lol.

the men i've come across, I can feel something for them. However, and this is important, they're not emotionally used to communicating or participating in the dynamics of a relationship--the ones I've dealt with. And simple rudimentary principles, seem so out of reach for the men I've met thus far.

It's almost to the point where I have to lower my standards in what I expect and want and need in a relationship to continue dealing with some of the men i've encountered. And THAT has been a TREMENDOUS turn off for me--as it is a slippery slope once you start compromising your convinctions, and/or going against your intuition on what you want/desire to be happy.

Ultimately, I've realized that I am not happy with just great sex.

(My first man2man experience was like that, but he wasn't interested into anything beyond sex--at that moment. Now we've still keep in contact, he seems to be more receptive to relationships, but I'm weary of his ability to really participate in a relationship)

I really need to know that the one I care for is able to reciprocate affection and loyalty. This was never an issue with any of the women I've dealt with; however, I've discovered that it's been an issue with every guy that I've dealt with. And if I had a choice between great sex, and great intimacy; then without hesitation, the answer would be great intimacy.

As i started my reply, i am odd in that way.

 

[drhladnjak]

Your situation is not uncommon at all, especially for guys that are still figuring things out. We were all raised with the heterosexual ideal of men only being able to love women. It can take some time to get past that mental block.

Sometimes you have to trust your dick to know what you want (well, at least sexually). If you're truly only attracted physically to men, I'd say in time you're very likely to identify as gay so long as you don't do something rash like marry a girl in a tragic attempt to be straight. If anything, I'd say you just haven't met the right guy yet.

 

[none_2362]

Thanks for all the honest and helpful responses guys! I'm glad I'm not the only one whose sexuality isn't black and white.

I guess societal pressure did factor into my thought process, but I have never once had any illusions about my attraction to guys being just a phase or something that can be overlooked. In fact, I was certain I was 100% gay till about 9 months ago when I was thrust into a co-ed environment for the first time in my post-pubescent life. My sexual maturity was also hindered by my previous belief that no one would find me attractive. It was only after I lost a large amount of weight and cleaned up my appearance some time back that I discovered that people found me to be fairly attractive.

I think kallipolis is right. What I'm gonna do now is try relationships with at least one male and one female to see which one actually satisfies me to the full extent and not just on paper. Has anyone been down the same road I'm about to take? Any advice?

 

[thermodynamics]

I'm glad I'm not the only one whose sexuality isn't black and white.

Honestly, I challenge you to find anyone whose sexuality is 100% black and white. It doesn't exist. Only in shades of gray. Welcome to the club.

 

[hermanding]

Calgary
sorta the same way. making out with girls could be fun - but my heart and my hard were not in it. a find girls sexy, beautiful, all those positive adjetivos but in the emotions and fisical areas, it' GUYS all the way
ding

 

[dalton41]

Do you guys think there's a distinction between physical and emotional attraction? For example, for those of you who are gay, are you both physically and emotionally attracted to men; and for those who are bi, are you attracted to both sexes on both fronts?

I'm curious because I'm confused about my own sexuality. I am definitely into guys physically; I check them out, lust after them... the usual stuff. I'm not into girls this way at all; though the idea of having sex with a girl does not turn me off, nor does it turn me on at all.

However, emotionally, its a different scenerio entirely! I can only develop romantic feelings for girls (even though I don't find them physically attractive), speaking to a girl I like makes me flushed. Whereas the closest relationship a guy can hope for with me is for us to become best buddies who perhaps fool around occasionally, I can never actually love him.

So what would you guys say I am; gay, bi or straight? Also, is anyone else here like me, or do you all have your orientations clearly defined?

I must be totally different than others. The man I am in love with, Bret, I am very emotionally attached to him, I absolutely love his heart. We have yet to have sex with him and that's not the issue. When I first met him, there wasn't nothing physically I admired about him. I fell in love with his personality, everything else fell into place. That never happen to me for a long time, probably because I wasn't looking.

 

[ivyguy24]

I consider myself bisexual.

My experiences have been mostly heterosexual, with a couple homosexual experiences.

I'd have to say I feel an equal physical attraction to both sexes. That's not to say it's all the same...When I'm with women I tend to feel more sexually dominant, but a little more submissive with men. So, physically, I feel like I have a different type of attraction, but I enjoy both them both on the same level.

Emotionally attraction tends to be more towards women. My relationships with women have been big on romance, but since I've only been in long term relationships with women...it's probably just due to the type of experiences I've had.

So, in reflection, I think physical attraction seems pretty concrete. Emotional attraction seems much more fluid, which explains why some people's orientation might vary a little bit over time, especially if you can physically go either way.

 

[ivyguy24]

I realized I didn't answer your question directly.

If you're physically only attracted to men...I don't think that's going to change.

As I mentioned in the previous post, emotional attraction is much more easily changed through experience.

So, I don't think your emotional attraction towards women makes you bisexual.

I'd be willing to bet it's a pretty common problem to have such a mismatch. It's not because of anything you did, but rather it's the social norm for guys to love girls. Based on your experience so far, you seem to be emotionally attracted to girls because that's what's "supposed to happen."

If you go out with a guy, it might take some getting used to, but as long as you're open to new experiences I think you'll probably be surprised at what emotional attraction might come along.

That's all the advice I have to give you...but keep in mind, I'm just a young guy who has no idea what he's talking about, but that's the best advice I have.