Planned Sex

[chrisdobro]

soo... reality check, please. Other advise is welcomed also.

My partner has a condition called BHP, which makes it hard to pee. He is taking drugs for it and the drug's side effect for him is loss of libido and decrease in pleasure. I am twenty-seven-something he is fifty-something and we've been together for ten years now. In the last year I have been satisfied by him probably 5-6 times and he was satisfied by me probably 20 or so times.

So, what is happening is this: he does not initiate sex. If I try to initiate sex he cuts me off and tells me to stop every time. Verbally or with actions. This has been going on for a year now.

Why does he stop me -- he says he needs a plan to have sex, so that he can plan around his pills. If he does not take a pill on a certain day he can have a bit more libido and feeling and thus desire to have sex. Without a plan he does not want to do anything what so ever, even when he is not taking his pills. i.e. his prescription ran out and he is waiting for a refill for a week now.

So what is a plan like ? i.e. Monday - no sex. Tuesday I am to initiate sex. Wednesday no sex, Thursday he is to initiate sex, Friday is an off day -- no sex. Saturday either one can initiate and Sunday no sex.

The plan is supposed to help him to also know when to initiate sex. Since he feels lack of desire to have sex, it is easier for him to know when to get it on.

We have tried this plan a few times now. It did not work for various reasons. One time I did my part of the plan -- got him off, but then on my day he failed to initiate sex for me, later claiming that he was confused.
Another time, I got him off every time, but he failed to get me off. Why ? I take longer to get off and he gets tired or loses interest. Why does it take me longer to get off ? His technique is not stimulating me as much. And he does get tired sooner than I typically do. Perhaps also I do not find him all that sexually attractive and it may have some effect on sex.

I gave up on our sexual life a few times now. I dislike the idea of a plan. It sounds artificial to me and it did not work for us before. nevertheless he keeps insisting on it. We've been talking about open relationships. I don't know what to do anymore.

What I can do now: I can try the plan again. I can give up on sex yet again. I can accept a non-sexual relationship. I can try an open relationship. I can drop it all and run for the hills... I don't .. know.. .what. to.. do. There is no manual on how to deal with this situation, or I do not know where to find it. I wish my situation was not so. But it is.

 

[gambit2212]

It sounds like he's not making an effort at all when it comes to your needs. If you try the "plan" yet again, it's likely to leave you frustrated yet again. Have you come right out and told him that your emotional and physical needs are not being met and asked how you as a couple should work towards achieving that? I may be a cynic but since open relationships don't usually work, I'd be running for the hills to find someone who can satisfy all my needs.

 

[rareboy]

Wow. This is so deja vu all over again.

The advice would be the same as when you posted this thread last year. Nothing different at all.

You're the one who has to decide what binds the two of you together and whether it is worth it. You keep delaying making the decision year after year and looking for others to make it for you.

You write a considerable amount about searching for possible sexual relationships outside your primary realtionship.

You write continually about your frustration of feeling trapped by having a 55 year old partner.

You decide.

 

[KaraBulut]

Your partner has BPH (not BHP). It's Benign Prostatic Hypertrophy.

There are different drugs for BPH but I'm guessing your partner is on the type that interferes with hormones. A known side effect of these drugs is decreased sex drive.

Why hasn't your partner talked to his doctor about the issue?

If it is not the medication that is the issue, then you have a difficult choice to make.

 

[youngnihilist]

Time to leave the partner? arent you the one searching for guys younger than you anyway, not 27 years older?

 

[chrisdobro]

gambit, well... I am actually wondering if I am not making the effort. As someone else on this forum put it, "he (my partner) is putting his health at risk by not taking the pill on certain days so that he can have sex with me". In a word he is making his effort, maybe I need to make mine.

Yes, I told him my needs are not being satisfied. That's why I mentioned the talks about open relationship -- a way to find sex elsewhere, since the rest of the relationship so far seems to be okay.

Medical issue -- different drugs have been tried over periods of time. I chose not to go into this here as after trying different drugs for a few months at a time, the end result is still the same -- as I've described.

As for leaving, I am not a person who throws away a 10 year relationship on a whim. I want to be at least 40% sure it is the right choice, and not because rareboy told me to (indirecltly).

Also aside from leaving there may be other options, like open relationship, and getting your sex elsewhere.


All that aside, maybe I am trying to drag this out when it's over. Maybe I need to jump and take a risk. Maybe I am extra cautious. Maybe I need to take action and head for the new life.

There is some good to the relationship and that good is making it hard for me to just throw it out. Sometimes it is worth it to put up with a little bit of bad, if there is a lot of good along with it. For me I guess the bad did not outweigh the good just yet. It is a close call however, and I do not have something to make that call yet. I am in limbo and perhaps have been for a while. Maybe the fact that I am in the limbo for a while is sufficient to move on. I don't know. I don't want to mess things up and regret it later.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Like it or not, Rareboy is hittin' the proverbial nail on its proverbial head.

You have been wrestling with this very same issue for a long time now and you have never been able to come up with any decision, whatsoever.

Obviously, your choices are all rather limited and you are really to choose between the rock and the hard place. But, by not choosing, you are choosing, too. To prolong your own suffering and discomfort, to put it very mildly.

No one here can really give you a piece of good advice in this matter. And none of the options, you have listed is inherently better than the others.

Your decision in this matter is purely based on your own subjective perception of what is important and what matters in 'your life'.

Everything other people may recommend that you should do under the circumstances is nothing but a reflection of their own priorities and their values. Not yours.

So, you think. And you decide.

SC

 

[KaraBulut]

Medical issue -- different drugs have been tried over periods of time. I chose not to go into this here as after trying different drugs for a few months at a time, the end result is still the same -- as I've described.

As for leaving, I am not a person who throws away a 10 year relationship on a whim. I want to be at least 40% sure it is the right choice, and not because rareboy told me to (indirecltly).

I think you missed what rareboy was telling you.

The way that I interpreted rareboy's post is that he very succinctly posted out three things to you:
1. Sex is part of a relationship- it is not the relationship
2. Only you can decide whether the good aspects of your relationship make up for the fact that you partner is not satisfying you.
3. This is the most important part. Your indecision is the problem not your partner's dick. Either you need to accept the situation or move on.

Quite frankly, it doesn't take a hard-on to have sex. Lesbians seem to get by just fine without one. If you're committed to making this work, then you and your partner need to find other ways to get you off.

Open relationships destroy more relationships that they save. Most people just don't have the attention span to maintain attachment to more than one person.

And then there's that jealousy thing- that's a relationship killer.

 

[Muskox]

Drugs are not the only answer to BHP. I looked at the options and decided on a surgical procedure called a Trans Urethral Resection of the Prostate, or TURP, sometimes referred to as the RotoRooter treatment. It sounds a lot worse than it is. It's been around for decades and it is the one option that is guaranteed to solve the problem. You have discomfort for a few days, but you heal and then it's over. Period. And, you're not on medication for the rest of your life. He should look into it. You should both look into it -- its a joint decision (pun intended).

However, that said, it seems to me that your relationship has a lot more problems than medication-caused low libido. You were 17 when you started a relationship with a 45-year-old man. Did you have any other sexual experience when you met him, or is this all you've ever known? This strikes me as unhealthy. You didn't choose this situation; you acquiesced to it.

Here's my gut feel. I think you both have self-esteem problems. I think you are desperate to hold onto this relationship because you are afraid of being alone and having to find someone else. And I think he is probably suffering from impotence and is embarrassed and terrified of the implications and blaming the medication. Even if the relationship is somehow satisfactory to him, it is not for you. You both need a huge infusion of honesty, which will be painful for both of you, but you will at least understand what is going on. If you can't be honest on your own, you need to see a therapist. Even that will not help if both of you are not forthright and honest.

It is your life, but it doesn't sound like you are living it.