Platonic Relationship

[migelhost]

Guys, I have been in a relationship since over a year now. I really love him and he loves me too. And we plan to get married and live together and probably have kids too.

But the thing is I realized that he is NOT sexual. He doesn't wanna do anything intimate EVER. Never ever in life. Not even sleeping naked together.

But I do want us to be intimate. And it kinda does hurt me that he would never get intimate with me.

I know most of you would suggest breaking up, but I genuinely love him and wouldn't wanna end the relationship.

he doesn't really have any interest in having sex AT ALL. So I'm guessing he is asexual but emotionally gay????
He doesn't mind smooching and cuddling, but nothing beyond that. Not even being naked.
And I had no idea about his complete lack of interest in intimacy when I got into this relationship.
I love him, and I am trying to forget about the sex part, but its difficult sometimes. I am not really crazy about sex, but I did wanna have sex with my lover. And there isn't anything wrong with that right?
And now to know that he wouldn't do anything with me, it upsets me.

The thing is, I am virgin and so is he.

I may live without sex forever but I would sure not like it. I am sure I would be depressed. Is there any way I could deal with living without sex forever?

 

[KaraBulut]

Have you asked him about it?

And more importantly, have you told him what you want?

 

[migelhost]

Yes I did. He doesn't have any interest and thinks its not important. He told me that there are other ways to control your sexual excitement than having sex.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sex won't keep a relationships together.

But being a control freak and uptight about it is a good way to ruin a good one.

It's a sad fact of life but love isn't enough. It really isn't.

If he were saying to you, "I'm a little uncomfortable about sex but I love you and I'm willing to work on it", then there would be hope.

And if you were saying to him, "Sex is not the most important thing but intimacy is and I need intimacy from our relationship", then there might be a chance to work this out.

Instead, he's dismissing the importance of sex and controlling the where/when/how/if.

You're not speaking up for your own needs.

Where things stand, the chances are not good for a long-term relationship. Sorry.

 

[Seasoned]

Just as individuals are about to define themselves, so, too, are couples. The problem here is that you have had no input into this definition. Relationships can't be 50-50 at all times, but on the issue of sex yours seems to be 95-5.

BTW, have you seen him naked? Is he physically normal? At the very least you need couples counseling.

 

[runner]

He told me that there are other ways to control your sexual excitement than having sex.

Does he have anything specific in mind?

 

[migelhost]

Does he have anything specific in mind?

Nope, that just means that I can always masturbate

 

[migelhost]

Just as individuals are about to define themselves, so, too, are couples. The problem here is that you have had no input into this definition. Relationships can't be 50-50 at all times, but on the issue of sex yours seems to be 95-5.

BTW, have you seen him naked? Is he physically normal? At the very least you need couples counseling.

Nope I haven't and nor will I ever see him naked. He is not comfortable with being naked or seeing me naked.

And nope, though I haven't seen him naked, he has no issues physically.

 

[sixthson]

At the very least, you are setting yourself up for some major frustration. If you both wanted a sex-less relationship, that would be one thing, but it sounds like you want more.

Whether you think he has issues or not, he does.
It is a completely natural thing for two people who are romantically in love to want to express that love with their bodies. Can you really imagine yourself living with him and sharing the same bed, night after night, and not being able to be sexually intimate with him?

Start by being honest with yourself about what you want from all aspects of your relationship. Think it over very carefully. Then tell him how you feel and if he is unwilling to consider your wants and needs, then you have to decide for yourself what sacrifices you will need to make. Something is seriously wrong in a relationship where one person will not give, at all. Couples need to grow in their relationships and that means allowing themselves to be vulnerable, open and trusting with each other. It does not mean shutting off one part of your life and expecting it just to be acceptable.

Maybe if he once let you lead him toward intimacy, he would have some kind of sexual awakening and realize it is a natural and wonderful part of being in love?

Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

First off, how old are the two of you?

Second, he decided that you'd be celibate, and that's not fair, nor is it healthy.

Third, it sounds like he has some issues.

Fourth, if you need to have sex, and he won't ever oblige, you'll end up a few years down the road so frustrated you'll look elsewhere.

I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who won't have sex with me. I'd call that kind of a relationship a friendship at best.

Sex is normal, it's natural to want it, and it's natural to get it from your partner. If you don't resolve this, it will get between you. In fact, I'd say it already has, or you wouldn't be in here asking for ideas.

You should tell him that you need a partner that's going to try to take care of your needs, because that's what partners are supposed to do.

No matter how much you love him, love doesn't guarantee you a lasting relationship. Compatibility, compromise, and communication do that. Your feelings for him on a purely emotional level are going to suffer, sooner or later, if he keeps being unreasonable about this - and I do think he's being unreasonable. He may not have a sex drive (I suspect something else but that's neither here nor there,) but that doesn't mean he can't take care of you. Why isn't he willing to even do that?

 

[gustischafer]

Wow, what a case! I suppose you have to let him know your feelings. Tell him that you love him and talk with him about the whole situation. This sounds a bit weird... not wanting to get naked... ever. You can't live like that as a couple. This would be the same with living with a friend or even a girl, wouldn't it?

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, I guess the question to the OP is, "Are you willing to spend the rest of the best years of your sexual peak years not seeing your partner naked, much less having any sort of physical intimacy or sex with him?".

Although this story reminds me a bit of the saga of Billy Tipton's marriages.

 

[JetSetJake]

I have been in the same situation. In my case, it lasted for almost a year. The frustration at not being able to have sex, or any kind of sexual contact, with your partner really is unbearable - unless that's what you both want - and becomes even more so the longer it goes on.

Even though you don't want to force your partner into sex, and you want to respect his decisions about his life and your relationship - he also has to do the same. He has to respect your point of view on the relationship. And unless you can reach a compromise - it's only going to get worse, not better. The longer it goes on, the more you'll want him sexually and if he's not willing to get into it, then you'll drive yourself crazy.

In my case, my boyfriend wasn't really interested in me and was using me. That doesn't seem to be the case here because you said you both love each other - so I'm guessing you genuinely know that he loves you? However, in both of our cases, the sex issue is the same, as is the frustration, negativity and bad emotional impact.

Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it can make or break a relationship. And often does.

Wishing you all the best

 

[shainski]

There was a thread recently from the other side:

look at the thread from BranBrandino named "Abstinent relationship?" from 13Jan2010

This will eat you up - While it may not be important to him - he is going to need to find another asexual person or it is bound to not work for either of you.

And another way to see the frustration you are going to get yourself into - go to menshealth - married forums and see the main point of frustration of married guys.

 

[Just_Believe18]

With a life like that, you may as well be a Priest or a Nun.

If you want sex, then you damn well deserve it. His inability to compromise or even understand your position is outrageous and bizzare.

This will not work. Don't deny yourself a life of happiness and self-fulfillment because of his decision to remain celibate his entire life. Let an asexual find happiness with another asexual. You go find a guy who wants to love and have sex with you. There are plenty out there.

 

[Nomenclature]

It's true that sex is only PART of a romantic relationship, but it's still an important part of a romantic relationship.

And another way to see the frustration you are going to get yourself into - go to menshealth - married forums and see the main point of frustration of married guys.

When married men stop getting sex from their wives, they tend to cheat. It's true.

 

[migelhost]

Guys, If I tell him that I wouldn't wanna be in this relationship anymore cuz I do need sex, he would agree to do it, but I do not want that! I am not looking for "pity" sex.
And what good is it to "force" sex out of your lover? :|

When he doesn't have the natural desire to be physically intimate, how can i or anybody else for that matter "force" him into it? Its just not possible and nor do I want it.

I mean would you "talk" with your spouse about he/she not telling you that they love you? No! Such things do and should come naturally from within.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK then, you have our suggestions. Obviously you want to stay with him no matter what, more than you want to have your own needs met.

Problem solved. You won't have sex, but you'll have the consolation of never having "forced," him into anything, no matter what he's forced you into.

No doubt that you'll both be very happy.

 

[El Divo]

Hello sir,

Now I see two things, one, either he really doesn't want to get intimate, or two, he has a HUGE insecurity.

If it's one, you have to talk to him about your feelings, if he's not willing to comply then it will be a huge burden. You love him and you don't care about sex, but when you are in a relationship, sometimes that should be it.

If it's two, I say get him to talk to you. I know this may sound crazy and a little asshole-ish, but maybe he's uncomfortable with his penis size. Maybe it's tooo uncomfortable. Maybe it's normal but is deformed. Or maybe, he has been infected with something not so pleasant. I can only assume though.

If it's either, just talk to him, telll him ur feelings please. A relationship is not great unless both partners are happy and u my friend are not going to be happy in the future.

 

[rareboy]

This has disaster written all over it.

If you were Shakers or monks, I could see the potential for a life of denial.

As it is, I see him as having either real psychological issues or real physiological issues. Both of which he should deal with.

You're already not happy with the situation.

It will only get worse after 'marriage'.

Cut your losses. Or get permission to fuck around.