Either I dropped the ball, or they weren't playing to begin with.
But I think I've done something big and possibly terrible between me and my parents. Maybe what was said by them was only in the heat of the moment, but they're pretty severe. I always thought that hearing those things would make me cry like a baby, but maybe I've grown up enough to accept things as they are.
I'm fine, but will they be? I'm giving them space. They can call me, since apparently I'm never supposed to call back again. It can be on their terms.
I talked to Felix about it, and I think I've made the right choice. I have to just roll with it, suck up how much it's going to hurt to force them to let me go and let us grow apart. That's what I've been looking for. I've been looking for a means to be who I am and not kill myself because it makes my parents unhappy. Really, though, it won't happen unless they step up. Until then, I'm going to have to push past the guilt and live my life.
San Francisco probably won't happen...at least not right now. Maybe in the summer. It's not because I decided to opt out. It's because it's too late and tickets cost too much money to go to New Orleans and San Francisco. San Fran tickets are still really cheap, but New Orleans is the killer. I don't have the money to do both. And right now, I think I need family.
Let's hope for summer, alright?
My parents may be cutting me off. If they are, or if we just don't speak for the next month or three months or year or something, I'm going to need all the money I'm making from the Library.
So did I lose the chess game? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the objective wasn't to win. Maybe my parents needed to want to reach the goal, or maybe we were on different sides and I didn't really understand that until today.
I think I did all I could, and at least I know I acted maturely and earnestly about it. Felix says that my parents are acting like children, but I think they were just afraid to give up what they wanted. When people are afraid, they act irrationally and say things they may not mean. Or that they do mean. I don't know.
I think after talking to Felix, I have to accept the inevitable truth of it all. This wasn't going to be easy, things weren't going to work out how I wanted them to be, and that I would have to go through a lot of hurt to get what I wanted, even if it hurt my parents. I wanted this to happen without us growing apart. But now I see that there wasn't even a slight chance of that happening. It wasn't stupid to want to win everything, for everyone to be happy, but not winning everything shouldn't have been unthinkable and I should have expected to have to break some eggs and possibly keep breaking them for a while for my own happiness.
But either way, they'll call me when they're ready. If they call.
Assuming Mom doesn't really kill herself and Dad aknowledges that I was born to them. *sigh
But I think I've done something big and possibly terrible between me and my parents. Maybe what was said by them was only in the heat of the moment, but they're pretty severe. I always thought that hearing those things would make me cry like a baby, but maybe I've grown up enough to accept things as they are.
I'm fine, but will they be? I'm giving them space. They can call me, since apparently I'm never supposed to call back again. It can be on their terms.
I talked to Felix about it, and I think I've made the right choice. I have to just roll with it, suck up how much it's going to hurt to force them to let me go and let us grow apart. That's what I've been looking for. I've been looking for a means to be who I am and not kill myself because it makes my parents unhappy. Really, though, it won't happen unless they step up. Until then, I'm going to have to push past the guilt and live my life.
San Francisco probably won't happen...at least not right now. Maybe in the summer. It's not because I decided to opt out. It's because it's too late and tickets cost too much money to go to New Orleans and San Francisco. San Fran tickets are still really cheap, but New Orleans is the killer. I don't have the money to do both. And right now, I think I need family.
Let's hope for summer, alright?
My parents may be cutting me off. If they are, or if we just don't speak for the next month or three months or year or something, I'm going to need all the money I'm making from the Library.
So did I lose the chess game? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe the objective wasn't to win. Maybe my parents needed to want to reach the goal, or maybe we were on different sides and I didn't really understand that until today.
I think I did all I could, and at least I know I acted maturely and earnestly about it. Felix says that my parents are acting like children, but I think they were just afraid to give up what they wanted. When people are afraid, they act irrationally and say things they may not mean. Or that they do mean. I don't know.
I think after talking to Felix, I have to accept the inevitable truth of it all. This wasn't going to be easy, things weren't going to work out how I wanted them to be, and that I would have to go through a lot of hurt to get what I wanted, even if it hurt my parents. I wanted this to happen without us growing apart. But now I see that there wasn't even a slight chance of that happening. It wasn't stupid to want to win everything, for everyone to be happy, but not winning everything shouldn't have been unthinkable and I should have expected to have to break some eggs and possibly keep breaking them for a while for my own happiness.
But either way, they'll call me when they're ready. If they call.
Assuming Mom doesn't really kill herself and Dad aknowledges that I was born to them. *sigh