Plea for advice

[Jack Twist]

I’m coming here for a little help. I know this might not be the best forum for relationship advice but maybe I can get some insight on the sex specific part…

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year. We live in Manhattan - separate apartments. We are exclusive (or so I thought). We spent a Friday night together with no sex.

Things had admittedly been a little off between us the week prior but we seemed to find our grove again. Then he goes back to his place to catch up on things all of Saturday. He’s radio silent the entire day until the evening. But we had a date night scheduled.

So he comes over at 7, we order in, do wine and a movie. Then I initiate sex on the couch. He seems a little distracted but gets into it. I blow him and then flip him to face the back of the couch, his bare ass in the air. He knows I love to rim him. Here’s were it gets weird... I spread his ass to get ready to dive in and his hole looks different… the lights were off except one in the kitchen but even with little light it just looked… different. Puffy maybe?

My mind instantly went to did he get fucked?!? I was with him Friday night so if anything happened it had to have been earlier that day. Again, his hole has never looked like this. I feel like I would know if it’d been obviously fucked, it wasn’t a gaping hole or anything crazy… just different. Here’s why I’m also suspicious. His ex (who still lives in the city) works at night. When they were dating a lot of their time together would be during the day. Also, the ex is a strict top (part of why they didn’t work out – [the ex] likes getting rimmed but rarely bottoms). So I just rimmed his hole and when I tried touching it he said “no fingering”. He usually allows me a finger or two but none this time. We end up in the bedroom and I was feeling too weird to stay hard so I just said “I’m not feeling great” and he was like “okay.” And we just finished the movie in bed and then went to sleep. But my mind is reeling. Has been for weeks.

I don’t want to ask my friends about this and mare their perception of him so I thought I would ask anonymously here for any thoughts? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Can holes just look different? Am I paranoid? What are your instincts?

 

[KaraBulut]

We split your post into two threads- one in Show Yourself Off for everyone to enjoy and this thread in our support area where members are more likely to offer advice.

... so I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year. We live in Manhattan - separate apartments. We are exclusive (or so I thought).

We spent a Friday night together with no sex. Things had admittedly been a little off between us the week prior but we seemed to find our grove again. Then he goes back to his place to catch up on things all of Saturday. He’s radio silent the entire day until the evening.

Monogamy is not a given in gay relationships. Have the two of you talked and have you both agreed that you're in a monogamous relationship?

I blow him and then flip him to face the back of the couch, his bare ass in the air. He knows I love to rim him. Here’s were it gets weird... I spread his ass to get ready to dive in and his hole looks different… But my mind is reeling. Has been for weeks. I don’t want to ask my friends about this and mare their perception of him so I thought I would ask anonymously here for any thoughts? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Can holes just look different? Am I paranoid? What are your instincts?

At first glance, this would be about your boyfriend's hole and whether or not someone else pounded it into pleasure-filled puffiness.

But it's really not about swollen holes. It's really more about whether your boyfriend is actually present and committed to a relationship with you.

There are plenty of relationships where one or both partners is having sex outside the relationship. This isn't a statement on the relationship- an open relationship can be a good relationship or it can be a bad relationship.

The real issue- and the one that is bugging you- is whether you and your boyfriend are a committed relationship and whether he's really invested in the relationship. Connected to this question is what's going on in your boyfriend's head and whether your boyfriend is lying and whether he's involved with another person.

The only person who can answer these questions is your boyfriend. Ask him. Not us. Him.

How do you bring it up?

The first question for him is, "I feel like sometimes you're here but your mind is somewhere else?". The next question is, "Sometimes when I want to have sex, I don't always feel like you're as into it as I am. What are you feeling?". Note: the question isn't phrased as an accusation and it's not a yes/no question- it states what you are feeling and asks him to talk about what he's feeling.

If you haven't talked about whether you are in a monogamous relationship, then you need to have that discussion. You both need to come to an agreement about whether you are monogamous, "monogamish" or open. If you decide to not be monogamous (and assuming that this is okay with you), then the two of you need to talk about what the terms are, i.e. do you only do three-ways, if you have sex outside the relationship do you tell each other, are you only allowed one-night stands, etc.

Unless you both have agreed to a monogamous relationship already, then implying that he cheated is a risky topic. If he answers, "Yes", then you have to decide whether that's a deal-breaker for you. If he answers, "No" then you have to decide whether you believe him.

If you were a third person in the room during your date night, you would be thinking to yourself, "Why are these two people trying to figure out whether they want to fuck? Why are they trying to find signs instead of just asking, 'What's up?'".

If you aren't in a relationship where you both can have honest and frank discussions about your relationship, then you're going to be caught in this situation that you are in, where you are trying to read his hole instead of just having the discussion about the real issues. Lack of honesty and good communication will kill a relationship must faster than cheating with an ex.

 

[TX-Beau]

I agree completely with Kara. Never assume monogamy, you might feel you both "understand" but you don't until it's EXPPLICITLY stated by BOTH parties.

Kara is suggesting a far more diplomatic approach than the one I'd use. I'd just ask point blank, are we monogamous? Or are we seeing other people.

It's pointless to speculate and obsess over a puffy sphincter, the issue anyway is not whether he got fucked, but if he feels entitled to get fucked because he doesn't want to be exclusive with you.

A lot of times we take issue with how the other guy is behaving without having put in the work to clarify our own expectations. If he did get fucked and wasn't thinking you two were exclusive, the result is not on anyone's head. The problem is failure to be transparent and get confirmation. If he made you promises and then broke them, who gives a shit about the puffy sphincter, time to go.

Here's some hard-earned advice from my own dating life. We set the conditions for honesty and openness in our relationships by the methods we deal with uncertainty. If for example you hate he goes out and drinks with his friends and give him a grilling every time he comes home, you aren't going to stop him, what you are going to do is tempt him to start lying about it. If however, you explain why it bothers you, and ask if he understands your feelings, you start a conversation that's far more likely to be constructive and not just combative and controlling.

I hope that's clear enough.

 

[frankifab]

You already know the answer to your questions , I feel he is cheating on you by what you have described but like Karabulut and TX-beau have expressed

Don't epect monogamy , nonetheles in my opinion if there's not going to be monogamy I believe couples should be honest toward eachother
If it's going to be some sort of open relationship , at least I would expect honesty from him , it depends on you, if you feel comfortable with the current relationship you are in , carry on but demand honesty from him ... If you can't handle his dishonesty and lies , if you feel something's off I'd say you better call it quits that's just my opinion , maybe I'm old fashioned but I'd dump him if I were in your place

But it's your life and youre the one who makes the actual choices in the end