Please help!! I need advice dealing with a co-worker.

[shinybright]

I really need some advice! I am a 30 year old gay man who lives in a small town. I choose to not announce my sexuality to everyone, but I do NOT try to hide it either. I am currently working a temporary job with this adorable guy who can pass as straight but I *think* has been flirting with me? One day he told me I smelled good, one day he told me he thought I had a nice ass, one day he insisted on giving me his phone number even though it wasn't really necessary to do so, and one day I was setting up a display and I asked him if he could do me a favor (go get some hardware out of the back room) and he said "I thought you'd never ask me." as if implying I was asking for a sexual favor. This all happened within a week of each other. However, he's only 18 and I'm wondering if maybe he's not really aware of what he is doing, or perhaps I'm just reading things out of context?! I'm also wondering if I even should pursue a relationship with someone 12 years younger than me anyway? On the other hand, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a very long time (five years ago next January) and I think I would be open to going out with him...maybe? My job will be ending soon and I may never see him again. Do you guys think I should confront him? How can I go about it without totally embarassing us both?

 

[Georgiadude]

I think he's interested but it may just be for friendship or a hookup. don't get ahead of yourself with thoughts of a relationship. you don't know his intentions yet. although saying you have a nice butt is a big hint. I say put some feelers out and see. by that I mean ask him to go to lunch or dinner. talk to him a little and ask some questions. "so are you seeing anyone" something along that line. if he asks why just say I'm trying to get to know you better. you could ask around and casually see if anyone knows more about him. you don't have to say exactly why. I'd say "I like working with.....he's a good kid" someone will give you a little more info. honestly I like a direct approach best. go to lunch or dinner and just start talking. things will become more clear outside the work place.

I don't worry about age differences. if you have things in common and get along then what difference does it make. I've dated younger guys and we really had a lot of fun.

Steven

 

[KaraBulut]

...I haven't been in a serious relationship in a very long time (five years ago next January) and I think I would be open to going out with him...maybe? My job will be ending soon and I may never see him again. Do you guys think I should confront him? How can I go about it without totally embarassing us both?

There's a bit of a freudian slip here. There's little connection between the flirtatious behavior of an 18 year old coworker and a serious relationship. With someone this young, it's more likely that it would be a one-time thing that would lead to even more uncomfortable situations at work.

The flirting at the workplace is inappropriate but it sounds harmless. Unless it makes you uncomfortable, it's better just to ignore it.

In the meantime, it would be a good time to get out there and find someone that you could have a serious relationship with (or if not that, someone who will appreciate your nice ass in the best way possible).

 

[shinybright]

There's a bit of a freudian slip here. There's little connection between the flirtatious behavior of an 18 year old coworker and a serious relationship. With someone this young, it's more likely that it would be a one-time thing that would lead to even more uncomfortable situations at work.

There was no slippage there - I have no problem in declaring I would want a relationship with this guy and would not be interested in a one and done fling. I like and respect him. After next week we will nolonger be co-workers because the job is temporary. From this standpoint I am just questioning if his flirtations are real or if they are just somehow in my head... and I've never been with a guy that much younger than me before.

I guess I can invite him to lunch and let him talk (I have his number). That seems harmless enough.

 

[TX-Beau]

Here's the thing, we have no idea what this guy is doing. Not one solitary clue. All we know is what has been filtered through you. If you're imagining things, we have no way of knowing.

Guys posting what you're asking usually are wanting reinforcement for what they want to think anyway. So, the only useful advice we can give you is to make sure he knows you are gay, ask him out, and see what happens - but make it clear it's a date.

Then there is the whole sexual harassment issue which is NOT something to ignore lightly, if you do ask him out and you are completely mistaken, the consequences of that could be very serious.

Add to that he's a teenager and really, they usually aren't very good "long term" prospects, plus you've jumped from "is he gay" straight to "long term potential." Slow the fuck down. Even if he turns out to be gay that doesn't mean he's "potential" or even interested.

 

[TX-Beau]

BTW don't do anything until you're no longer working together, you can be guilty of sexual harassment even if you hit on him off the clock.

 

[Ganoderma]

Hi shinybright,

Good you have made this posting. I can't look into the mind of this guy, but I agree with Georgiadude to call him and ask him if he is interested in a lunch / dinner (etc.) so both of you can talk with each other for a prolonged period of time and outside the working environment. You might of course also ask him face-to-face at the working place.

I tend to think you should take it for granted that he is aware that you are a gay guy. You are 30 years old and females / girls at your workplace will wonder why you don't have a girlfriend and/or are not married and/or don't seems to have interests in getting a girlfriend (etc). So take it for granted that people at you work will be aware that you are a gay guy. Most people don't bother, and I tend to think this will also be the case at your workplace.

Good luck and don't hesitate to respond when you have other queries.

 

[Seasoned]

Even though he's being playfully inappropriate at work you are liking the attention to the point where you've skipped ahead to imagining a relationship. I get it, small town, limited prospects.

As this job ends tell him you want to stay in touch. See if he'll get together after you've left. Be frank with him if you do meet up. Let him know that even though he said inappropriate things you liked what you heard. Whether or not it goes anywhere you could use the conversation as a mentoring moment in terms of workplace behavior. If he doesn't self correct he runs the risk of all kinds of work or school trouble. As far as playing around, why not if you both can handle it?

Beyond the scope of your question, are you doing anything long term to help insure a more satisfying private life? That's not a putdown, just a direct question asking about your current and future emotional selfcare.

 

[shinybright]

I do not see myself as "fantasizing" about having a relationship with this guy - what I was trying to convey is that I am not interested in just having casual sex with this person. I get enough of that. I am not a hermit nor do I look like a dog either. I find this guy attractive and was unsure how to confront him or if I even should given the circumstances. This was my reason for the inital post. I was not bothered by what was said (obviously) and this guy has never layed a hand on me. Someone else might think of it as sexual harrassment, but I don't see it as my responsibility to address that with him. As for choosing to filter what was actually said in the workplace into what I want to believe - perhaps - but that statement is so generic I think it can be said for just about anyone who chooses to post on this forum.

 

[mcbrion]

Just don't do it in the workplace. I'm surprised at the idea that anyone approaches someone else in the workplace, but especially if you're gay. Ask him to have a drink with you after work and then ask whatever question you want, but by no means mention anything sexual in the workplace.
He sounds like he has no clue whatsoever that he shouldn't be doing that in the workplace, but then, he's 18. People seem to not leave their sexuality at the door to the workplace in the same way that some people bring their bad habits into the workplace. Professionalism seems to be disappearing pretty quickly. I've observed over the past 15 years, that people have poorer boundaries than prior to that. I see and hear things in the workplace that would have gotten someone fired back in 1990. Set an example for him by not responding to inappropriate remarks while in the workplace.