Please Help, Just Please Help me

[ThisIsMyNow]

I am around 19 years old.

I have OCD and Tourettes and a lot of disorders. I have been seeing a therapist for a long time, and am trying this new treatment/

I am going to talk to my new therapist about my biggest fear, coming out. I feel I am finally ready. I always told myself I would NEVER do it, but now that I am done with my first year in college, I feel I could stop hiding and be myself. It does make me INCREDIBLY sad. I very much want to have my own kids and to live with a woman and have a wife and walk around holding hands and kissing in public. I am actually about to cry right now, because I know this will never happen. I feel there are so many things wrong with me and that if I do come out, that I will be alone forever.

I have many questions,

1. I am not 100% postiivie I am gay. I get off on straight porn, but only if the guy is hot. And I definitely get off on gay porn. But I see on some of these threads that some guys just realized they are attracted to women now. I don't want to come out then next year realize I'm bi, that this gay thing was just a phase. I have been attracted to men for so long and I've never had GF even though I wanted to. Is this normal?

2. I am so afraid of people judging me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of my problems.

3. Is it okay if I just tell my Mom and best friends first, and wait to tell my Dad and other friends? I just don't want the word to get out, because people talk?

4. When I do come out. I want it to feel good. But I feel, that my life will be over.

5. I'm so horny all the time. I just want sex. I want to give head, and maybe even get fucked. I don't care if it's just a hook-up, but I don't think guys find me attractive (at least the ones I would want to be fucked by)

6. Would it be mean to write a note to my Mom about coming out. I think it would make me feel comfortable.

7. Also if I do fuck after coming out, I am afriad of STD's. Can I get an STD, by giving head or making out with somebody?

PLEASE HELP and answer my questions. This took a lot of courage just to join this website. You don't understand how hard this is for me.

 

[ThisIsMyNow]

I also should mention.

I am kind of scared of the future. After I die, is God mad that I'm gay?

 

[StlKj]

First off, congratulations on coming on here and putting out there your fears. That was a big step, so be proud of yourself.

Next, you really should be talking to your therapist about this issue. He or she will help you figure out when the right time is, and how to do it.

To address your other points (not in order of yours):

1. If you do feel some attraction to women and men, don't be so quick to label yourself as gay. It is possible that you are fluid in your sexuality, and you might have the potential to enjoy both. It sounds as though right now you are very confused, and since you have not tried anything with anyone yet, why force yourself into a label at this point? Often, the fear of others judging us is because we've already judged ourselves harshly, and we're just worried they'll agree.

2. If you do, in fact, know you are gay, then you probably do need to let go of the dream of a wife and kids and the perfect life. But that doesn't mean you can't have a spouse and kids--it will just be more challenging, and it won't look like every other couple you know. There's nothing wrong with that--just need a new dream that allows for something a little different.

3. As far as telling everyone else, why not work first on being comfortable with it yourself? If you need their support and you think you'll get it, then by all means, tell a few people who you know will support you. Still, why not just start with telling your therapist and working through your own issues with who and what you are before bringing others into the mix.

4. With your other challenges, it may not be easy to find an understanding partner some day, but once again, your own issues with those challenges will make it more difficult. The more you embrace yourself in all areas, the more confident a partner you will make for someone else, and confidence is a very attractive trait to most people. Again, work first on accepting you, and then work on adding others to the mix.

5. Yes, you can get STDs from giving and getting oral sex. You could conceivably get one just from kissing. That's why it's good to get to know someone before getting intimately involved, and playing safely when you do. If you don't get to know them first, then you MUST play safe to stay safe.

6. As far as God is concerned, check out What the Bible Says-And Doesn't Say-About Homosexuality.

http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian.

If you believe in God, have been saved, and try to live as a good Christian, isn't that what is most important?

7. When you do come out, you want it to feel good, but you're afraid your life will be over? You don't feel good now, and your sexual life hasn't started. I'm betting that when you do come out, you'll finally start to feel good, and your life will instead begin. And who knows--you might see some of your "disorders" become far more manageable when you start to accept and love yourself for who and what you are.

Good luck with all of that. And know that many people here do understand how hard it was for you to post here, and are here to help if we can by offering support.

 

[GG1986]

hey man. i have to admit this is my first time giving advice so bare with me.

1. to me it seems to be normal. like im somewhat the same way. i can definately get off to straight porn even just as long as the girl is hot. for me the guy doesnt have to be hot but just not repulsive. ive had GF's in the past and ive never experienced anything with a guy. with girls nothing seems forced but im just DYING to see whats its like to do something with a guy. i predominantly get off on gay porn because i really want to know what it is like. i say that you should just discover who you are and dont worry to much about what is normal. the way i see it, who determines normal anyways? the social norm is to be straight so anything that isnt is deemed un normal and i really dont think thats fair.

2. i say that you shouldnt come out until you are absolutely sure about your sexuality. and if that takes a while then so be it. i havent told anyone myself and no one suspects. right now i am more attracted to guys. i can admit it to myself i dont have to tell anyone. just make sure you arent lying to yourself about it. you can lie to other people for the time being. but dont bother lying to youself.

3. i know someone that used to say if u have a secret keep it to yourself. because everyone has a best friend who has a best friend and pretty soon everyone knows. once again if u are really sure of yourself...you can tell the people that u believe respect you and ur privacy and wont treat you any bit differently. especially if you are really afraid of others opinions you should be very careful about who you tell.

4. i honestly know the feeling. but you have a choice. you can choose to let it make u feel like your whole world is crashing down or you can be happy about the fact that u are honest and happy with yourself. bcuz after all it is just a preference. some men prefer guys over girls. some people prefer cats over dogs all it is is a preference.

5. i am the same way once again. im dying to experience what it is like. but from that question it seems to me that u might have a little low self esteem. correct me if im wrong. sex is a secondary necessity meaning u can live without it. we just give it so much power today. i know us men have needs. but its important not to let those desires carry you away. you dont think you can attract the guys you want? whether you think you can do something or not you are right. it all starts with your confidence. if u gain self confidence u can attract anyone with inner beauty. you gotta love yourself and respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to respect and love you.

6. honestly its really hard to do. i think any way you chose to do it is fine. do whats easier for you.

7. well i have to admit im not a doctor or anything but i believe stds occur between a transfer of fluids. the only way u can get something by kissing is if the infected person has a cut in their mouth or something. im not too sure about giving head tho i dont think its common tho. if u wanna get fucked make sure to always use a condom no exceptions.

8. i can talk all day about this religious aspect. i believe that god loves us and excepts us for what we are. we are human. he accepts our "faults" and everything. i believe the church is taking it overboard. like concerning marriages, everyone wants someone to grow old with and shouldnt everyone get that chance? the church obtains a lot of control by striking fear in us. making us think if we dont do this we go to hell etc. we are genuinely good. evil is learned. i really dont think homosexuality can be considered evil. after all its just a preference

i hope this helps you buddy.

 

[ThisIsMyNow]

I don'get hard by women though. EVER. I am attracted to men. But does it change. Should I just keep it a secret and marry a woman instead, or is this a really bad idea?

 

[ThisIsMyNow]

also, i am not attracted to really girly men, i really am attracted to strraight men, or just hot gay men. is this normal?

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! I hope you'll like it here. Lemme get right to your questions.

1. I am not 100% postiivie I am gay. I get off on straight porn, but only if the guy is hot. And I definitely get off on gay porn. But I see on some of these threads that some guys just realized they are attracted to women now. I don't want to come out then next year realize I'm bi, that this gay thing was just a phase. I have been attracted to men for so long and I've never had GF even though I wanted to. Is this normal?

I'd say it's safe to say that you're gay. The only porn I had access to growing up was straight porn, and it took me some time to realize that it was the guys that were really doing it for me.

There IS a fear of "hanging out the shingle". That by saying "I'm gay", you're carving something in stone that can't ever be undone. Don't feel that way. If you come out, and then happen to run into a woman and fall in love, hell, go for it. At that point, you can say "I thought I was gay - ends up I was bi." End of story.

2. I am so afraid of people judging me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of my problems.

One thing to try to keep in mind is that people tend to spend very little time "judging". Every person you meet is actually a bundle of problems, issues and neuroses bound up in human skin. People tend not to spend much time casting a critical eye at others, because they're too wrapped up in their OWN stuff. In fact, many people are probably worried about what YOU are thinking of THEM. I won't be blase and say "don't worry about it" - it's obviously something you're working on - but do keep that in mind.

3. Is it okay if I just tell my Mom and best friends first, and wait to tell my Dad and other friends? I just don't want the word to get out, because people talk?

You can tell them any way you wish. Or not tell them at all, if you'd rather. The only thing I'd toss out there is this. If YOU treat it like a big secret, other people will treat it like one, too. Which means whispering behind closed doors, wondering "who knows", all that. But if you treat it like it's no big deal, most other people will, as well.

4. When I do come out. I want it to feel good. But I feel, that my life will be over.
It will be. The life in the closet, that is. It'll be closing one chapter of your life, and beginning another. And for most people, coming out is extremely liberating. It's one less burden to bear, one less thing to weigh on your brain. I'm betting it'll be that for you, too.

5. I'm so horny all the time. I just want sex. I want to give head, and maybe even get fucked. I don't care if it's just a hook-up, but I don't think guys find me attractive (at least the ones I would want to be fucked by)

You'll note the contradiction at the end there. And it's not unusual, especially with people who are just coming out. I remember one guy posted here several months back. He said, "I want a boyfriend, but nobody wants somebody fat like me." I urged him to look again, and he admitted, "Well, I do have a couple guys who are interested. But they're fat - I want somebody hot."

In short, he was criticizing the "hot" guys for holding precisely the same "standards" that he held - "no fatties".

My advice here? Keep an open mind. Don't expect nor demand a porn star. I'd say about 1% of gay guys out there are what you might call "hot" or "attractive". The rest of us? I wouldn't say we're ugly. We're just normal. We've got big noses or weird hair or a crooked smile or hairy legs or a spare tire. But we're all interesting folks who can relate to people, and love having sex...just like you. This doesn't mean you have to hook up with someone you don't find attractive at all. But don't hold your potential partners to an unreasonable standard...that is, unless you like sleeping alone.

6. Would it be mean to write a note to my Mom about coming out. I think it would make me feel comfortable.

That's fine. Ideally, though, hand her the note in person, and stay close by so she can talk to you afterwards. Plan on getting a lot of questions - many of them weird. ("Did I not love you enough?" "Did I smother you?" "How do you know if you've never slept with a girl?" "Are you gonna be the woman in the relationship?") Just remember - you've had years to get used to the idea of you being gay, and she's had a few minutes. Don't hold any of those questions against her.

7. Also if I do fuck after coming out, I am afriad of STD's. Can I get an STD, by giving head or making out with somebody?

Making out, your odds are so close to zero, you may as well call them zero. It's possible with oral sex, but that's usually when the mouth has a direct line to the bloodstream - bleeding gums, cold sore, things like that. The odds are pretty minimal, but they're not zero.

I am kind of scared of the future. After I die, is God mad that I'm gay?
Depends on who you ask. Not surprisingly, I don't think so. I mean, God made you, right? So He's the one that made you gay. So I can't imagine He's gonna be surprised that you acted on that. There are plenty of good resources for gays and religion. Other folks can probably give you better direction there than I can.

Should I just keep it a secret and marry a woman instead, or is this a really bad idea?
EXTREMELY bad idea. It means dragging someone else into your confusion and unhappiness. MORE if you have kids. Your desire for men won't go away by marrying a woman - if anything, it'll become more pronounced. Don't do that to her.

also, i am not attracted to really girly men, i really am attracted to strraight men, or just hot gay men. is this normal?
It's normal enough. Again, especially with the "freshly out". Newly out guys tend to want to distance themselves from effeminate guys. You don't have to date them if you don't want, but do at least be open to meeting them, and befriending them. They kick ass.

And, finally,
It does make me INCREDIBLY sad. I very much want to have my own kids and to live with a woman and have a wife and walk around holding hands and kissing in public. I am actually about to cry right now, because I know this will never happen. I feel there are so many things wrong with me and that if I do come out, that I will be alone forever.
This seems to be a common feeling. That by coming out, you're turning your back on "normalcy". In essence, you're the square peg trying to fit into the round hole. And you've tried desperately to get in there, but you just don't fit.

But guess what? There's a square hole, too. And it's just as normal as the round one.

Being gay means one thing, and one thing only. The people you're attracted to are guys. That's it. Everything else is optional. There are some occasional (and usually minor) hurdles you may have to get around, but they're dealable. You want kids? You can have 'em. You want to settle down with someone and grow old with them? It's indeed possible. You want to hold hands and kiss in public? You can. (You may have to just choose your location a bit - one of those hurdles I mentioned.)

Let me tell you a bit about me. I'm 38. I work in accounting, I love sports, I collect music, I kind of dress like a slob. And I'm gay. And next month, I'll celebrate my tenth anniversary with my partner. My family invites us over for dinner and all family functions, we have friends (gay and straight) that we do things with. We're just like everybody else. Except in this relationship, there's two dicks and no vaginas. That's IT.

You're setting out on a new path, I think. It's probably looking pretty damn scary. That's understandable. But I think you'll enjoy it as you go along, and I think you'll be happier at the end.

Glad to have you here.

Lex

 

[GG1986]

well honestly i think it would be a really bad idea to keep it a secret and marry a woman. its not fair to you and its also not fair to the woman. she would want to be with you and you would not have much invested interest in her. also i think it would be hard to fake an attraction for that long if u cant even get off to them now.

ehh buddy im the same way. straight acting guys are such a turn on for me. im not really attrracted to guys that are openly gay. at least not at this point in time. stright acting guys / open guys send me wild

 

[KaraBulut]

Everyone focuses on the telling friends/family part of "coming out".

Coming out has two parts-

1. Coming out to yourself. Admitting that you're gay. Accepting yourself as a gay person. Learning to love yourself as a gay person- getting rid of all the self-loathing and denial, bargaining and anger that come before acceptance.
2. Then coming out to friends, family and all the important people in your life.

Given your issues, you and your therapist should work on #1 before you take on #2.

Yes, you're gay.
No, you haven't accepted it and you haven't worked through your self-esteem issues yet.
Yes, you should come out but only when you have dealt with your self-esteem and acceptance issues.

Something to think about-

• Part of being in an adult relationship means understanding that the other person isn't perfect. There's no reason you cannot find love. Don't get into the habit of using your problems as an excuse for why you haven't found a relationship.
• Don't look for valdiation in fucking. It lasts only as long as the fucking does. There's a reason it's called self-esteem and not getting-fucked-esteem. You own your feelings about yourself and you're not going to find your self-esteem in someone else's pants.

 

[rareboy]

You have taken a very positive step by organizing and listing your concerns and fears. Well done.

I have OCD and Tourettes and a lot of disorders. I have been seeing a therapist for a long time, and am trying this new treatment/

I am going to talk to my new therapist about my biggest fear, coming out. I feel I am finally ready. I always told myself I would NEVER do it, but now that I am done with my first year in college, I feel I could stop hiding and be myself.

Hopefully your therapist is gay positive. Coming out to them might be a big step in therapy.

It does make me INCREDIBLY sad. I very much want to have my own kids and to live with a woman and have a wife and walk around holding hands and kissing in public. I am actually about to cry right now, because I know this will never happen. I feel there are so many things wrong with me and that if I do come out, that I will be alone forever.

Well, I wanted to be on the cover of Time magazine, but over the years, I've come to accept that this is unlikely. I don't think you have to be alone at all. I have known a person with OCD/Tourette's and they were partnered.

1. I am not 100% postiivie I am gay. I get off on straight porn, but only if the guy is hot. And I definitely get off on gay porn. But I see on some of these threads that some guys just realized they are attracted to women now. I don't want to come out then next year realize I'm bi, that this gay thing was just a phase. I have been attracted to men for so long and I've never had GF even though I wanted to. Is this normal?

You're gay, but so what if your tastes change and you find yourself suddenly attracted to a woman. Gay is not a phase. Why not take the easy way out that a lot of young guys pursue these days and just announce you are bisexual. Gives you more latitude.

2. I am so afraid of people judging me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of my problems.

And if all those people are normal, they probably are afraid of others judging them for some thing or another. Part of your coming out process will hopefully be coming to realize that none of us are to be judged on the basis of sexuality. Those who do judge on this and other aspects of human behaviour are deficient themselves. Tell them it is none of their fucking business.

3. Is it okay if I just tell my Mom and best friends first, and wait to tell my Dad and other friends? I just don't want the word to get out, because people talk?

Yes.

4. When I do come out. I want it to feel good. But I feel, that my life will be over.

Nonsense. Your life will just be beginning.

5. I'm so horny all the time. I just want sex. I want to give head, and maybe even get fucked. I don't care if it's just a hook-up, but I don't think guys find me attractive (at least the ones I would want to be fucked by)

Now this is something you need to work on, because it could be the cause for future frustration and lonliness. You have a fantasy 'type' that you want to fuck. Yet concerned you might not make their cut. Be more open to having sex with those who don't meet your porn standard. Good sex is way more than hot bodies and chiselled good looks. some of the most boring sex I ever had was with the best looking guys.

6. Would it be mean to write a note to my Mom about coming out. I think it would make me feel comfortable.

No, it isn't mean.

7. Also if I do fuck after coming out, I am afriad of STD's. Can I get an STD, by giving head or making out with somebody?

Anything is possible. Just play as safely as you can.

 

[genthree]

you sound pretty normal to me.

1. mothers always know

2. there is no hurry to come out , the penny will drop in time with most people.

3. the only problem is you don't need any "friend", "busy body" or arsehole doing it for you.

4. when you are ready buy a few beers and have a heart to heart with dad. Remember people can give him shit about it too !

good luck