Please help me to analyze my situation

[ruanyingxiong]

I have felt in love with him for more than 10 years. We still keep relationship after college. He is a most handsome man I've ever known in my life. He has a great personality. I know he is traight. But whenever he wrote an email or left message on the phone. He always uses the term "I love you". I have been very crazy about him because his look, his personanlity. I've been trying so hard to forget him but I could not because besides my feeling, it is a great friendship between us.

Sometimes he called and we chatted on the phone for hours. After that I found a reason just to come to visit him. I lied several time that I have conference close to his city to justify my reason so I can fly to his city. We have been alone sometime in my hotel but I have never dared to reveal my sexual orientation.

Both of us are married and have happy families. Of course, deep down in my heart, you guys know how it is in my situation. My heart is for him not for my wife. Some point in my life, I want to be honest with my wife about my sexual orientation but she seems so happy with me. Her world would collapse if she knows I am gay. I am crushed every day and only me know my pain. I feel that I need to seal my secrect just to maintain happiness for the others. Should I some point have to let him know about this. If he reject me, I can go back to my life. Because of him, I can not live a normal life.

My friend is very funny and sexual. Woman worshiped him. I am an Asian and he is a Venezuelan. He has a look like Ricky Martin and a great personality. He is very sexual and loves to talk about sex. He is like my mentor. Even when I get married he talk to me on the phone how to make woman crazy about when making love.

Can he be gay? How can I am so miserable when thinking about him. Please help me to analyze the situation.

I am about going to see him again this month. He worked away from house. He devorved one and now his second wife is nothing compare with him. I don't know why he married such an unattrative woman like that.

Thank you very much

Ruan

 

[spreadeagle]

I feel great sympathy for gay men in cultures that have such a strong expectation that all men should marry and have families. What you are describing is the 'Brokeback Mountain' scenario and like that story/movie there is no guarantee of a happy ending. it is a distinctive feature of Chinese culture and psychology that the individual is expected to sacrifice and deny his own selfish desires for the greater good of the community.

You say you know he is straight and then you ask - can he be gay? Even if he were gay this might only mean that your infrequent meetings would become sexual. This would very likely only increase your pain because you would both still feel a strong obligation to your wives and families. Your wife would certainly become aware of your emotional distance.

I think you need to try and resolve this situation soon so that you feel happier and so that your wife's future is not compromised. When you see your friend this month you should confide the true nature of your feelings towards him. You absolutely MUST get his assurance of confidentiality before you speak. He will react in one of a limited number of possible ways.

He may reject you and break off the relationship. This will be painful but would allow you to have closure on that chapter of your life so that you focused your energies into the future instead of obsessing about the past and unspoken possibilities.

He may say - 'I always knew you were gay but I'm straight. I want to go on being your friend but there'll never be anything sexual between us.' This would mean that at least you had the support of someone who understood your situation and to whom you could talk openly about it.

He might admit that he is gay, too. That does not necessarily mean that he will be attracted to you. But the feeling of solidarity and the freedom to talk openly will bring you much closer.

He might try and persuade you that you are really straight. You should respond that you know what is in your heart better than he can. If he says 'you just haven't met the right woman yet' you can say 'Is that why you're on your second marriage - still looking for the right woman?'

The way your friend responds will help you decide what your next step must be. It will involve looking at what you want to achieve for yourself and for your family, deciding what i spossible and what is not and then prioritising those things.

I assume you have children; I suggest you don't have any more if that is possible. Why not post here again and let us know how things are progressing?

 

[ruanyingxiong]

I just got back from visting him. We had some good time. The last night with him, I delt so brave to reveal the truth about my feeling to him. He might reject me but I am very much sure that he is a open-minded person. He would not be so shallow and not homophobic. He said so in a separated event. So, I am very much sure that he will be suprised about me.

Once, we was on the road. He changed his road to get to a bar to get a drink. We went to a strip club to see the girls. I was not so interested into this kind of thing but pretend to act cool. I am not sure that he enjoyed this as much because he seemed very calm when I bought some lap dance for him.

I watched him and wished that I can be a woman to provide this man all kind of things he needs in his life. I felt that my love to him is most unconditional and most sacred, ever. Nothing more powerful than unspoken love between a man to a man.

I was so down after we got out the club. I made an excuse that because I drank to much.

Well, I could not tell him the truth.

I am kind of busy with work but every time if I am alone, I am thinking about him. Specially, from last visit, it had enhenced my emotion more and more every day.

I wish that I can find a good solution to move on with my life.

BTW, he and I had another relationship during this trip. He openned a business and I lent him some source of money. We now can be a partnership. I don't trust his business plan that much but I don't want to decline his desire.

Sorry for responding you so late.

 

[Eagle653]

I have to agree with everything spreadeagle said. Please go back and re-read his post.

You're in love with your straight best friend. You are not the first, and you will not be the last. But, there is no future here. This is a one-sided love--yours--and you have no proof that he is interested in you, in the least. So, you are miserable and frustrated and becoming depressed.

This is no way to live life. The obvious solution is to not see him anymore and forget him. I say this because he is not gay and, even if you came out to him, he might understand and still like you, but he is not going to be sexual with you or fall in love with you. So, it accomplishes little.

You have two big problems. One is this crush on your best friend. A good therapists can get you over him and give you good advice how to do that. So, that problem can be solved. The second, and bigger, problem is you're gay and that is not going to be gotten over and go away like this crush will. This is something you are going to have to deal with and accommodate within the confines of your marriage--unless you are willing to leave your marriage behind.

Because of your attraction to men, another one can come along who you find attractive on all levels, too, just like your friend now. This can happen over and over unless you either commit to your marriage, or you leave that behind and live as a gay man. Neither choice is easy, good, nor pleasant--and only you can choose.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace with this soon. Keep in touch and let us know what happens. Welcome to JUB, too!

 

[ruanyingxiong]

Finally, I told him. It took me lot of gut to tell him. I was so happy that he said he knew all about this and he still loves me the same. Although told him I regard my love is so pure and unconditional. I don't expect him to do anything against his nature. It was so perfect because I talked on the phone. I also blamed him a little bit that why if he knew all about this, he still seemed like to seduce me. He said he is sorry. I told me he is not gay and he regards this as very normal.

He still flirted that I should not try to kiss him and grab him.

Can I progress this relationship that I might weigh down the brotherhood relationship or I should stay in a noble postion and still madly in love with him.

I did tell him nothing was more powerful that the love between a gay to a straight man. He ackowledge this. Please help me to recourse my postion.

 

[luminum]

Well, I suppose it's noble to love someone unrequited and from afar, but it's wholly unnecessary. You will eventually come to love him as a brother/close friend and no longer as a love interest. You may not think so now, but you will. You can keep him close and search for someone who can reciprocate your romantic feelings. That's best.

 

[ruanyingxiong]

His reaction still wonders me in a great deal. Could someone can be that nice to accept the gay friend like that. I also have expressed how much I love him in the past ten years and how hard I have suppressed my feeling when being around him. All my life, I only sleep with woman and have never encountered with man. Sexual activity to me is very mechanical. I told him that if it happens to a man, that is a great thing ever happens to me. And if that person is him, that is so heavenly undescriable. He seemed to be so proud with my humble expression.

After talking with him again, I see that if he cares for me as a person that much and understands my urge and sexual desire, that can happen, or can't it?? I keep wondering for the las couple of days. That makes this whole deal so wonderful and dilemam. My love is more even intensified. I feel like I can melt in his room, I can die in his arms.

Why is he like that. Why he makes my passion more intensify?

 

[bluedragon4]

What's he gonna say since he needs your money? Did you read the other posts cause you keep telling us the story but not listening to the advice you asked for. Can you respond to the points made here? I'm starting to think this is made up.

 

[ruanyingxiong]

Yes, that is also my wonder. But this will not turn me off, and I wish if he is like that, I should be a better position. I value this relatioship in great deal and have so much romance about it. That is why I am very careful when posting my story in here. For some reasons, I know he is more than money becuase he is naturally nice and friendly in many Latin empoyees. I did try to buy him things to win his attention but he seemed not to be so excited. Business is other thing.

This story is my own true. And I took your advice and telling him the truth. He did not reject me but would not embrace me either. I would love to go to visit him again but did not get any signal. Life is so complicated.

 

[Eagle653]

You came out to him, which took a lot of strength and was very brave. Congratulations on putting this relationship on a honest plane.

He was also very honest with you by telling you that he liked and respected you as a friend, and wanted that to continue. But, he was straight.

So far, so good. You're both being perfectly honest and the friendship can continue.

Now, though, you want more--something that he cannot give you because he is not sexually interested in men. You have two choices: One, you can accept this and respect it and continue to have him as a friend. Or, two, if you cannot accept his terms for friendship, then you need to end it and put him behind you for your own mental health.

Put yourself in his position: How would you feel if someone you were not sexually interested in had a crush on you? You might be flattered, and try to be nice about it. But, you would not want this person to pester you about it, and fly to cities near you to be close to you and hope you come around. In fact, if this happened, you would probably distance yourself from them and cool the friendship quickly.

You were honest and upfront with him, and now you have your answer. It's time to move on. You cannot have him, because he's not gay. I know that hurts--many of us have been in this situation. But, it hurts more to continue to have fantasies and do things (like fly to another city just to be near them) when the answer will always be No.

Your feelings for him have proven one thing to yourself, if nothing else. You have the capacity to love a man. That has to call into question your feelings about your marriage. Today, it's this man. Next month or year, if might be another. What if you fall in love with a gay man who loves you back? Are you prepared to handle that? What does that mean for your marriage? It is these things I'd be thinking about, and working on, if I were you. Not some straight guy in another city. He's not the issue.

 

[ruanyingxiong]

Thank you averageguy for being sincere and honest with me. If someone tells me now, there would be no happy ending, I would cry. And I shed my tear when typing this response. I put myself in so many speculations what way it can be Because he is a coolest guy I ever know, he has been appeared in my life for so long. Knowing him so many year, I have an emotional attach like my dearest brother and more than that. If there is no romance, he is a greatest friend you ever had in your life.

I did tell him why somenone like you just come to my life, activate my deepest sexual passion and walk away. He said he was sorry about it. I remember when I was in college, I sat behind the computer. He walk behind me and pretend to press his bugle to my back. He said my boy need more space. I was so embrassed because I feared him find down I was sexually activate. Something like that happen all the time we were around. My point is he does not belong to any categories we talked about. Can over-sexual enegery like him can be expose to bi-sexuality and I will be a part of that. Actually, in the whole year, I happen to see him naked two time. It droved me nut for the next following time. It was the time we change the clothes in the White Water Rafting. I yoked with him why don't you be a porn star. He said "I love to" but the chicks get all the money. His genital become obsessed me for so long because the zise compared with mine. I felt like I can workship him with his image. I told him about this and he said so I know all about him already. "But my boy now needs extra protection from you". He said that that made me feel so down. When he realize my emotion, he managed to say he was just joking. So what is about this man. He drove me nut, again and again. I love he picked up the phone, when he picked up I become mumble. If my testosterone was lower in that moment, I was cool. But when it was high, I become so confessive. He is not very interested while I was so confessive. I also supspect that he has differnt level of testosterone when he talks too. My question is can a straight guy can be bisexual just like all of us we are gay but can do the straight sex. Why it is so impossible like many people on this board advice.

I shed million tear when thinking about him alone and the days ahead.

I am sincere and value your opinions a lot

 

[ruanyingxiong]

Please help me with your opinion. I called him again this morning. Actually I was down when reading the post. This morning, I asked that can I come to visit him again after all of this confession. He was so sweet and warm. His voice just warmed my heart. He told me anytime. "You can come to visit me anytime". I was enlighted by his suggestive voice. I don't know how we are going to cope each other. I believed the deeply feel for my passion and it seems that if it means for me so much, he would help me to achieve some level of it. That is my only speculation. I already booked the plane and will be there soon. My wife was away this week and his wife will be away next week. When we cope about this. He said great.

I would ask him something about my sexual desire and he said if I try to kiss him, he would kill me, but quickly made an correction "I am just kidding" with a big laugh. I still confused.

Please help me, I believe sexual activity can be possible because this man still like me as a person, love me as a brother. He would do something to make me happy.

I will let my nature to take to course when sleeping with him. I am sure we will sleep in the same bed. He did say that if what you want when I make a joke about that.

I never have sex with a man before. What should I do to make him not so fearful and withdraw his willingness. I will not do the anal sex as the gay magazine alway portray. I don't thing some sexual activity present my desire. If you are a straight man, any level of activity consider accepted but not so dirty to think.

 

[ruanyingxiong]

I finally see him and now I am in a devastated situation. I love him dearly but he can not return his love. He does not have any clue about me. He showered me with bar and girls and hoped that he can convert me to a straight man.

 

[G-Lexington]

He has told you what he can offer you. Friendship, support, anything outside the bedroom. He has drawn the line there, and you must respect that. He seems to be a good man - he did not turn away from you, but is determined to remain your friend even if he will not be your lover. Please don't hold on to false hope that maybe, someday, he may change his mind. Feel fortunate that you have such a good friend, but please start looking elsewhere for sexual release.

Lex

 

[ruanyingxiong]

Thank you G-Lexington. I don't want to hold for a false hope but I cannot function with my life anytime. We had a long and in-depth conversation when we were by ourselves. As he said that our relationship will be no more and no less. I am always his friend and a brother but he is not into gay thing with man. He is so against something about anal sex. Wow, I told him I am not into that too. However, he revealed with me that he did the anal with girls. We joked alot. Sometimes, I got so emotional and serious. I asked him that any possiblity that I can see him naked in my life. He said that's all I wanted. But why?. He was about to pretend to take off his shirt but stopped. Then, he said if I am a gay, he is a lesbian. He loves woman, loves their bodies, loves their pussies. Then we get back to serious conversation again. I told him that if I can have some hope seeing him naked, it is a breakthroungh point and I will not ask anything more than that and accept the fact that our relationship get up to the point that I believe that I have him in certain perspective. I asked again why if I claimed that I love him but force the loved one to do someting that he doesn't like.

Our conversation keeps going like that. Sometimes I felt I was selfish, sometimes he was. We talked alot about family and future. He is not happy with his wife but he do the best to support his family. Although I am a Buddist, we prayed together in a Christian form. After praying, he was asking me what I asked God for. I told him that I pray that God would change your mind.

He is a very special person that no one can afford to loose. He cares for his family and friend so deep. When I was in his house, he helped me to do the laundry and made me feel so comfortable. In the morning, I went to his office and sat there all day just to look at him. Before I came I did ask him that I want to look at his face without fearing of getting caught. He knows that I did that and sometime he indicated some kind of ambrassment.

At night, he gathered all kind of friends. They all talk about girls and girls. We went to bar and he picked a girls to give a blow job. They are so clueless about me. When I get home on the road he aksed whether I had a good time.

On the day I left, I got a feeling that I can accept him as a friend. But the last two days, I missed him again. I missed him really bad. I don't know why I love this man and I can give up anything for him.

One thing, he touch me how to please woman is to perform oral sex. I never did it to my wife but I did it so passionately to my wife just because I listened to him.

I am so much in love and every moment I keep thinking about him. I makes me not to focus on anything.

He is now very well off because his business is very sucessful. He told me that I can visit him any time I want. I joked back if I came back I have to see your naked body. He said that why I want to do that. I try to act very unattrative to subside my desise. However, it turns me more about him. He finally told me that if I love him as I claim I would not force him to do something like this.

I am so confused with his message. It is possible that I am gay but I love only one man.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>. I told him that if I can have some hope seeing him naked, it is a breakthroungh point and I will not ask anything more than that.

Wrong.

Seeing him naked will NOT end your obsession for him. You'll want to see him naked again. And again. And want him to allow you to touch him - just once. Then again. Then again. This isn't something that can be satisfied by one look. You're in FAR too deep for that.

Your friend is 100% correct. If you love him as you say you love him, you wouldn't put pressure on him to do things he doesn't want to do. That isn't what friends do. Friends have their friends' best interests at heart, and won't try to push them outside their comfort zone.

Your friend is straight. Straight. He likes women. Yes, he'll have anal sex with a woman - that's because it's still sex with a woman! "Anal" doesn't make it "gay".

You've built some really large chains around your heart, and now you've got to start breaking them. It'll probably be very painful, but it'll be better in the long run.

Accept the fact that your friend is straight.
Accept the fact that he will NEVER have sex with you.
It's just not going to happen.
Praying for it won't help.
Hoping for it won't help.
Begging for it won't help.

As a Buddhist, surely you know the Second Noble Truth, right? Suffering exists due to ignorance and desire. The cravings that can never be satisfied. First, you must conquer your ignorance that your desire might somehow be satisfied, by recognizing the futility (and possible harm) of your continued attempts to have sex with your friend. And secondly, you must conquer your desire, by turning your sexual attentions elsewhere.

Lex

 

[Nurlan2]

Ruanyingxiong, I'll say this just once -- you're acting like an ass. If I were your friend, I'd have become too irritated with you by now to want anything to do with you. It would be better for everybody, most of all yourself, if you just moved on.

 

[ruanyingxiong]

G-Lexington: I feel very sad when reading your post. I talked to him several hours ago I told him that I can not function and can not move on with my life. He told me that he believe I can do it. He is so great that he put him aside and help me to subdue my desire. On another hand, he is in fear that he would feel so sorry for me. I can feel this in his tone. The conversation lasted only ten minutes. I don't know how to deal with him. Because he truely love me like his brother and does not want anything happen to me. I know love is miserable.

I am not an ass or anything. I am a very good friend who need help, who need someone to talk. He happens to be someone at this time.

I still don't know why he is so kind, so professional, and so caring. I told him that I should tell my wife all about this and withdraw from life. He told me please don't do it because it will be very messy.

For some reasons, after confessing my love to him, I am no longer interest or curious to see the gay porn at all. I test myself that I have no interest in other image besides him.

I used alot of karma concept to interpret my love to him and tell him that he can change all of this. He has the power to change all of this. He said sure I do.

He is very sexual person. I send him a documentary "History of sex in ancient Roman and Greece, in which they portrayed many homosexual realtionship. I told him his ancestor did all of this. He said I know.

I ask him to watch the Brokeback Mountain. At first he said hell no. But I insisted just watch for me because I cried so much when watching it. He promised that he will watch.

I want to tell you that he is a greatest guy you ever know in a straight world.

We have a deep relationship on other perspective and no mater what he will not abandon me as he promise.

But I am so sad when thinking that we will have nothing in future. So sad....

 

[G-Lexington]

In other words, you're not going to let up. You're going to continue playing the "unrequited love" game, and try to make him feel guilty for not doing what you desire. You're using some skewed definition of "karma" to try to convince him that HE's the one in the wrong for not "changing all this" (by caving in to you, of course). You're sending him films of a sexual nature hoping he'll change his mind.

He may in fact be the greatest guy in the straight world. Which is why I don't understand why you're treating him like this. You don't seem to have any consideration for his feelings, his wants, his boundaries. All that matters to you is that he won't have sex with you, and isn't that just sad. Nice romantic movie, perhaps, but wrong wrong WRONG in real life.

Apparently nothing I can say will stop you from continuing your assault on him. Your sly hints, your suggestions, your begging. So be it. I just hope he somehow comes to the realization that this isn't what friends do, and turns you loose.

Most of us, at one time or another, fall hard for someone we can't have. But most of us realize this, and as painful as it is, most of us pick up and move on. Living your whole life mooning after the guy you won't have is a horrible way to live, and it's even worse when you're dragging your object of your affection along for the ride.

Lex

 

[ruanyingxiong]

G-Lexington, Thank you for you words. This was very much I am thinking at this point. I start feeling the hopelessness in my situation. I will not push him again. Tonight, I will drink alot and cry the last time for my love and my life. I don't know how to move on but I will. I am sure he will call me on the weekend and asks me what is going on. He seems worry about me if I don't call for awhile. I did try not to call him before. I still don't know how to supress my feeling when hearing his voice him again.

Life is so miserable. If I can disappear from this world, I would do it right now.

I don't know what karma that people have to be gay???