please help me understand

[diane06]

I don't know where to begin. (deep breath here)

I am a woman in her late 40's. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and last night he was arrested in a remote area for public indecency. It is a place where gay men go to meet other gay men for a romp, then go their separate ways. My husband doesn't seem gay at all. He says he is not, not even bi, but this is what happened.
He stopped by one of those places last night. He saw three men, two got in the car and left when he pulled up. He ask the guy what was going on and he said he was watching those two have sex. Then my husband said that he had to take a piss and turned his back to the guy to pee. Then the guy flashed his badge and arrested him.
He admitted that he has been going to those types of places to masterbate, sometimes alone and some times in front of other men. He says that he has never allowed them to touch him nor has he touched them. He says that even when he goes there and sees no one, but masterbates, then drives home, that he cries on the way home he is so ashamed. I ask why he didn't just masterbate at home, and he really couldn't give a good answer, except that he didn't want me to hear it etc. He swears he hasn't been with a man and is turned off by the thought of it, but feels a compulsion to go to those places and masterbate. He said most of the time he is alone but sometimes he will do it in front of gay men.
Can anyone help me to understand this? If he said he was bi, I could understand it better. I just don't know what to think. I am devastated right now. I guess I would prefer that I caught him with a woman, because that I could understand. Hell, even with him saying he was bi is understandable, but to risk his marriage and everything for this? I don't get it.
I can't talk about this with anyone. I used to have friends that were gay but both of them moved out of state, I can't talk to them anyway about it. Please advise.

 

[gsdx]

My only guess is that your husband is something of a exhibitionist and, by masturbating in a place frequented by gay men, he is less likely to be 'turned in' or arrested. He wouldn't necessarily have to be gay or even bi, but the compulsion to 'be on display' as it were can be very strong indeed.

I think that would be a good place for you to start.

 

[star-warrior]

He sounds like he's horny, and a bit of an exhibitionist. Since he's not had sex in public but rather just peeing, you could get a lawyer and argue that he was relieving himself due to a call of nature - peeing. Since he had to ask the other person what he was doing, that would seem like a pretty good indicator that he didn't know what place he'd arrived at. Peeing in public is indecent exposure at worst.

What are you worried about? Loosing your marriage, or the shame of this revelation? Whatever you do, talking to each other and finding understanding is what you need to do. If it comes to a court case, you need to show that you've taken steps like seeing a shrink or getting counselling. He is confused too, it seems. What he really needs is understanding, and getting help from a psychiatrist may help you both reach an understanding of what's deeply hidden in his fears and loathing for the things he does. He sure isn't a happy bunny after he's come, and the driving home with tears in his eyes.

 

[paul-dan]

Think he might be somewhat of an exhibitionist....I have a friend like him...will show the guys but dont try to touch...As long as he is being faithful to you ( translate that to having sex on a regular basis) I wouldnt put to much in it..however ask him to let you go with him sometime...But if it continues to bother you then I would suggest sosme type of therapy..of course this is my opinion however right or wrong...Good luck!

 

[G-Lexington]

Assuming everything's on the up and up here...

First off, my condolences. This must be a tough time for you.

Secondly, I'm doubting at least part of your husband's story. Why did the police arrest your husband if all he was doing was urinating? Sure, they may have picked him because he was alone, thus forcing him into a "your word vs ours" situation, but if the area is well-known for this sort of thing, why not wait for someone who really did something?

What's going on? I don't know. Obviously, your husband has been lying to you. It's unclear how deep the lie goes. He may be an exhibitionist. He might get sexually excited by masturbating in public, and/or he might get sexually excited by watching others do the same. This doesn't mean he's gay, per se. But even if that's all it is, it means he's got some sexual fetishes he feels the need to indulge in, at the risk of exposure, his marriage, etc. Or he may actually be bisexual or gay, and be meeting guys at this location for sexual encounters.

My advice? First off, get yourself a good lawyer. And secondly, if you love your husband, let him know that you want to know the truth. The entire truth. I do hope your relationship can be repaired from this.

Good luck.

Lex

 

[1gayguy]

First thought is he is so ashamed of his feelings he's in denial. If you bring it up he'll just go deeper into denial.
Counseling may help him and get some for yourself as well.
If his involvement at these areas is limited to what he says, perhaps it goes back to something in his teen years. Again this is something only he knows and may deny.
It's nothing you did or have done. This all on him. Let me repeat that. This is nothing you have done or did. This is all him and his.
I don't know if you may find anything of value or assistance but look for your local chapter of PFLAG. www.pflag.org They may or may not be a resource for you.
Good Luck
Keep us posted

 

[1st love ron]

Several years ago there was a gay sting of sorts in my area (a well known gay crusing spot). An undercover arrested a man that he witnessed whipping it out and his defense was that he was "just urinating." The authorities didn't buy it.
I'd let the dust settle before drawing any conclusions or making assumptions, though.

 

[Corny]

hi there diane,

i moved your post to our coming out & relationships forum since it fits here better, and this is a no flame forum for on-topic advice and serious replies.
that being said, i have to salute you for coming and asking a question like that here

 

[D-Base]

Hi Diane, I'm sorry for what you are going through. You probably need a lot of support right now. You must be confused. But I guess so is your husband and he needs your support as well.

I hope you both get out of this with minimum consequences.

Btw, saying someone doesn't look gay is a bit weird to me, I don't think gay people look any different than straight people.

Good luck.

Stan.

 

[diane06]

Thank you all for your response. Exibitionist did cross my mind, but the fact that it was men he was doing the exibiting to threw me for a loop. He told me that he'd never do it again, and that he went through the most humiliating thing ever while getting arrested. I ask him if he take a polygraph test to prove that he had not had sex with anyone since we've been married. He said yes he'd do that if it would make me feel better. He said he started doing this about three years after we got married. I have rarely turned him down for sex but the last five years the sex has been a lot more infrequent. I've even voice my objection to that and that I felt hurt by it. He swears that when we have sex its the best sex life he's ever had...but then why would he shun me to have sex alone or in front of others?
The place he went too is a recreation site and is known for gays meeting there. The cops just had a sting operation going on when they nailed him. And yes I am embarrassed that this might get out, isn't that normal for me to feel that way? And yes he has lied to me, a lot! I knew something was wrong, when he called and told me he was arrested I knew what it was about before he told me. I must have known somewhere inside but didn't want to admit it to myself. He says that he feels something is wrong with his head and needs a head shrinker. Would it help for him to get counseling? It seems when it comes to these sexual things that they can't change a person.
I forgot to tell you also, that in while confessing and doing a lot of talking today he said that once when he was about 12 his grandma caught him putting on her underware and bra. He has worn thongs for underware but always used the excuse that regular underware rubs him the wwrong way and now he is admitting that it has something to do with his compulsions.

As for court he is hiring an attorney and maybe they can get him a plea bargin of a lessor charge. He is mortified that someone will find out...don't they always?
I somehow feel betrayed even if he didn't have sex withanyone. Probably because of all the times I went to bed feeling neglected and now I find out that he is masterbating instead. TO me this doesn't make sense! The first three or four years of our marriage we had sex every single day. I still would.......well before this. Now I just feel so hurt. And I am sorry but the thought of him masterbating in front of some stranger, a man no less is about more that I can stand. I wonder why he married me. I feel like my hearts been ripped out.

 

[herenthere]

First of all I want to say how sorry I'am that this has happened to you..no one deserves to be dumped on like this.
I also really admire and respect you for taking the time to try and get the complete story, before you make any decisions. 11 years in a marriage is a long time.

There may be some clues in the police report that will give you some indications, rather or not he is leveling with you.

Humans are very sexuel beings and many have a lot of quirks, fantasies, and obsessions that we are not able to identify. Lots of straight men are cross dressers, with no interest in the gay or bi life style. I certainly hope that something of this nature is what is going on with your husband.

Something like this always severly damages the trust issue...

You might spend some time thinking over the last years and see if any red flags now pop up.

I wish you the very very best...stay strong...and let us know..

 

[luminum]

Well, first, it might not be about you or your marriage. He may not even be gay or bi. Like others said, he may just have a desire for exhibitionism that cannot be fulfilled in your home. This may be because part of the thrill is doing it in secrecy. It might be because he feels you wouldn't understand and would be disgusted with him and therefore he does it in secret.

What it looks like here, with all the secrecy, crying, and shame, is that he's got these desires or fetishes and the lines of communication between the two of you are fuzzy enough that he doesn't feel he can tell you about them for fear of being judged.

I don't know how you feel about it, but you seem to be understanding, though right now you're going through a rough spot. What's important is talking to him and trying to create an atmosphere where he feels trusting and comfortable enough to tell you anything. This way, you'll be able to figure out the whole truth and work from there and he can feel as though he doesn't have to sneak around (if that is the case). The truth may be tame (maybe he was just masturbating away from home and in public because he didn't want you to hear and he has a small exhibitionist edge) or it could be much more complicated (he's a heavy exhibitionist, he actually has bi/gay feelings). But regardless, helping him to tell you everything will let you get your bearings straight and figure out where to go with this.

So again, what isn't important isn't if he's gay or bi right now, what's more important is just helping him come clean with everything so there won't be anymore of these surprises. Keep talking with us and we'll be happy to offer you more advice as you go through this difficult time.

I'd also like to say that if it's a fetish he has, perhaps his sexual neglect wasn't anything wrong with you, but just that he didn't think he could explore those feelings with you. All people have sexual needs and fantasies, and though it may seem like no one else does (and that it'd be humiliating to have others learn about it), everyone has a fetish and is in no place to judge. Maybe the two of you should go see a sex therapist together. It will be a good way for him to express his various sexual urges where you can know about them with someone else who can help the two of you understand them and where you can go with them. As well, if you have any sexual desires that you were afraid to explore with him, it would be an opportunity to share them with him. It may turn out that you're both the complete sexual partners that the other always wanted, but fear of being rejected threw a wall between you two sexually.

Just calm down, go see a therapist with him. It looks like the issue here is more about him feeling sexually constrained (and not a single person on the planet isn't, including yourself). A therapist could probably refer you two to someone in the couples/relationship/sex counseling field and you can both figure out what's going on without all the "shame meltdowns" that he's going through and the worries you're having.

 

[diane06]

someone tried sending a private message but my pop up prevented it. Please try again.

STan I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. I have two cousins one guy, one gal, both "looked" and acted gay to me. Maybe it was their mannerism or voice, I am not sure, but I knew from a early age they were different. When I got older and found out what gay meant I knew they were. Of course not everyone is so easily spotted.
Thanks for all your kind words and your patiences. I didn't know if I'd get this reaction or bad vibes.
Both he and I are very raw right now, maybe tomorrow or the next day we can talk more. I just feel betrayed, should I?

 

[G-Lexington]

Counseling can only help in a situation like this, I think.
I doubt the underwear thing has much to do with things one way or the other.


Lex

 

[herenthere]

Both he and I are very raw right now, maybe tomorrow or the next day we can talk more. I just feel betrayed, should I?

HELL YES....

You have every right to feel angry and betrayed...you were..

Take all the time you need, so when your ready to persue it..you can do so with a clear mind.

hugs...

 

[diane06]

thanks again, I am off here for the night.

 

[screwnutty]

He says that he feels something is wrong with his head and needs a head shrinker. Would it help for him to get counseling?

Hi Diane. Wow...you've had alot to think about. I am sorry to hear this and wish you the best of luck!

I think counseling would do you some good. I think a marriage counselor would be an excellent start. Some one on one counseling and then as a couple. I wish there was an easy way to say yup he's gay or bi or straight but there isn't. If there was an easy way to tell who's gay and who's straight....that person would be a millionaire by now. But the real fact is that regardless what you think a gay person or bi person should be. There not. Most of us (gay guys that is) are everyday normal guys. We watch sports, drink beer and have trouble getting our shirts to match our socks. Trying on Women's clothing or wearing thongs doesn't make you gay. So I think what you need is professional help. Sure we guys here can give you advice and other things but you need a counselor that knows and has been trained to handle these situations. Somebody who's not going to be biased to your situation.

Good luck Diane and please keep us updated!


Oh yeah Welcome to the Forum! Sorry you had to join up on such a bad note. Oh it's perfectly normal to feel ashamed and your husband should have at least attempted to relieve himself behind a tree or something that gave him cover so that he at least of had that defence. Cause when you gotta go...you gotta go!

 

[backpacker]

Hi Diane,

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this and you are certainly entitled to all the feelings you are having. I maybe be a little skeptical, but somehow I think there is more to the story than what your husband is telling you. I am impressed that he agreed to a lie detector test. People who make a habit of lying often will agree to a test assuming the other person is bluffing or that they can beat the test. I sure would follow through with the test. There is a good chance that he is being totally honest now, but given his history I would want some more assurance. You should probably also obtain a copy of the police report to see what the cop says occurred.

He may or may not be gay. There really isn't enough information to know. He can probably use some counselling to deal with his need to perform in public.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Corny]

someone tried sending a private message but my pop up prevented it. Please try again.

that's just the notification. just click on "private messages" in the top right corner to display it.
or follow that link:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/private.php

 

[rareboy]

I suggest you both get some counselling, not to shrink heads but to help both of you understand and cope better with these events. It could do you a world of good. Maybe you could even get some joint counselling.