Please Help: Was I Raped?

[FiguringStuffOut]

I was having sex with my boyfriend and I was laying flat on my stomach. I wanted to stop so I said "let's stop" and I pushed myself up on my elbows so I could pull off him. He pushed me back down flat and said he was " not finished" and he was about to reach climax. Then he reached climax with in seconds of pushing me back down. My friends say because he didn't stop when I said "stop", that classifies as rape. My bf told me that he was seconds away from climax (which he was) and wanted to finish because I had reached climax earlier. Is this rape? I am very confused. Should I break up with him? report him? Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[medic1]

Lets stop means lets stop as in no who gives a fuck if you came earlier he forcibly pushed you back down until he had finished. I can almost understand his frustration if he was seconds from coming but m8 no means no.
We dont know the history eg Is this the 1st time he has done this,do you live together,how long have you been partners ect.
The other poster was spot on i have gave evidence in a number of rape trials and his defence will put you through the wringer.
The other bad thing is that by now all the meaningfull forensic evidence will have gone. You may have some renal tears but any defence lawyer worth their fee could suggest to the jury that you both enjoy rough sex which would negate any small tears that you may have. Are there any rape crisis centres near you?
These places are great for support advice and a medical once-over the one thing you should not do is keep it bottled up inside you as this can cause a lot of physicological harm, I am so sorry to have read your post and what makes it worse for you is it was someone you knew loved and trusted.
My thoughts are with you fella,

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I am sorry but i disagree, If you have to wonder whether it was rape or not, It wasnt. It was rude and disrespectful of him. But in my opinion I do not see much difference between this and when a guy pushes your head down even when you dont want him to. or things of that nature. You are already having sex with him it is not rape, that being said you should definately consider talking to him about respecting you in bed more and I would consider it grounds to break up with a guy

P.S You sound like a selfish lover. wanting to stop before he cums when you have already came. So unless there was a pressing need to stop ie you were in pain I would say you are selfish

 

[bankside]

When you said "Let's stop" did you mean "I wanted to stop, maybe take a break or switch things up" or did you mean "I need to stop, something's wrong, something hurts, I'm uncomfortable."

It makes a difference. In the first situation I'd know my guy could negotiate a bit with me and I'd have enough endurance left to enjoy it. If he said "Let me cum, I'm right there...." I'd enjoy it and keep going even if I was ready to stop. In the second situation he'd better take his dick out right away or he'd probably never see me again. Nobody has to endure a bad fuck just so somebody else can get off.

So which did you mean? And were you clear about it? It's up to you to be clear and up to him to respect it, and vice versa.

To be honest, based on only the situation with the info you gave, I don't think it was obviously rape... but maybe just sex gone wrong, with your boyfriend needing to take some responsibility for giving you a bad lay.

But only you know how clear you were with him. If you know absolutely that you told him clearly to stop, and there was no confusion that you needed him to stop, and he just didn't, then he crossed a line that you should never let him back on your side of.

 

[Seasoned]

Intent is everything as is stated above. I think there's ambiguity with the phase, "let's." "Let us stop," is not the same as, "stop," or, "I need you to stop." If your bf should have known your intent then you have a serious decision ahead of you. He also needs to know that it's not mandatory to orgasm just because his partner did. He also could gave finished himself off or asked you to do it once he was outside of you.

Rape? I can't answer that, but if you think he did then he damaged the relationship. If you are able to work through this or not, you need to insist on effective communication with partners, before, during and after sex.

 

[KaraBulut]

Whether you use the word "rape" or not is not as important as the effect this incident has had on you.

The important piece of this is that this is your boyfriend, not a casual NSA fuck. It's apparent that you're troubled by his lack of interest in your wishes.

It's a question for you whether this was just a one time thing- that he was close to coming and couldn't stop- or whether he's routinely insensitive and self-centered in bed. And it's a question for you whether you're going to be able to move past this and trust him again.

 

[RonR18]

I was having sex with my boyfriend and I was laying flat on my stomach. I wanted to stop so I said "let's stop" and I pushed myself up on my elbows so I could pull off him. He pushed me back down flat and said he was " not finished" and he was about to reach climax. Then he reached climax with in seconds of pushing me back down. My friends say because he didn't stop when I said "stop", that classifies as rape. My bf told me that he was seconds away from climax (which he was) and wanted to finish because I had reached climax earlier. Is this rape? I am very confused. Should I break up with him? report him? Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

I'm having a lot of difficulty comprehending this scenario and wrapping my mind around it.

1) You didn't state your reason for wanting to stop, and it makes no sense to me why anyone would want to stop in the situation you've described, or omit the reason from this thread. As well, you didn't indicate that you related the reason to him at the time. And it seems hard to believe that someone would disappoint their lover in a situation like that without offering them any reason or explanation for wanting to stop.

Additionally, it doesn't make sense that he wouldn't ask you what was wrong. It's like he thought it was the most natural thing in the world for someone to do what you did, and that it's a very common occurrence. And thus he wasn't curious what was wrong, and whether you might have suddenly experienced signs of severe diarrhea and needed to evacuate your bowels immediately to avoid a huge mess, etc.

2) When someone is on top of you while you're on your stomach, it's obviously impossible to "pull" them off of you by propping yourself up on your elbows. And if you were able to prop yourself up on your elbows, that indicates that you had sufficient maneuverability to do so because he didn't have all of his weight on you, or was just straddling you. And if that's the case, you should have been able to immediately "extract" his penis/stop the sex simply by forcibly rolling over onto your back.

As well, if you were able to prop yourself up on your elbows, that means you had full control of your arms and hands, meaning that he wasn't pinning your arms down. Thus you could have easily put your hand around his penis to immediately "circumvent continued penetration."

3) If someone was on top of me engaging in anal intercourse, and for some reason I wanted them to stop immediately, the last thing I would do is prop myself up on my elbows. As that clearly would have zero chances of accomplishing my goal. And in the heat of passion, when someone could be ready to cum at any time, it'd be extremely unrealistic for me to expect them to stop and withdraw instantly just because I said "let's stop." This is a case where actions would clearly speak a lot louder than words, such as me reaching back and putting my hand around his penis to force him to stop even if he didn't want to.

But I don't know, that's just me. Maybe you don't have the boner crushing grip I have. However, most males have a strong enough grip to discourage any erect penis from continuing what it was doing.

4) RE: "He pushed me back down flat and said he was " not finished" and he was about to reach climax. Then he reached climax with in seconds of pushing me back down." This is what I'm having the most difficulty comprehending. You've interrupted whatever fantasizing he had going on in his mind with some extremely negative, self-esteem crushing news. The fact that you wanted to stop. As this is rejection, pure and simple. This guy undoubtedly thinks of himself as a stud, and he's giving you what you obviously wanted at the time you commenced the sex act.

Yet after having his bubble burst and being totally distracted from his fantasy's, he's still so turned on that he's "able to reach climax in seconds." This just doesn't make sense to me. And you made no mention of him being drunk or drugged, so I have to assume he had all of his senses in play, and thus his brain was able to register the erection killing rejection.

5) If he's your "boyfriend" and you had a sexual relationship with him, why would you be contemplating ruining his life by accusing him of rape and reporting him to the police? Since you were already having sex and he didn't respect your wishes to stop immediately, it sounds like he clearly hurt your feelings and should be dumped for being an inconsiderate jerk. As according to your description, he wasn't even concerned whether you might be experiencing a heart attack or some other medical emergency. But charging him with RAPE? In my opinion, it's totally unrealistic to consider him guilty of rape under the circumstances you've described.

 

[tipmyscales86]

Well, technically, by the books it might be rape. But that doesn't mean you should be reporting him to the police. Good luck trying to date anybody else when the word gets around that you filed rape accusations if you weren't a substantial victim. Were you injured? Are you psychologically damaged from this? You didn't really explain the reason you asked him to stop.

I had to tell a guy to stop once. That was because I was feeling pain. I said "stop, stop, stop. I can't do this." So he immediately pulled out. I told him I was in pain and apologized that I had to end it. We talked about it, and there was an understanding. But I made it very clear while it happening that I needed him to stop. "Lets stop" doesn't sound like you were being assertive or urgent.

 

[KaraBulut]

Guys-

Just a reminder about this section of the forums:

It's called the No Flame Zone because we do not tolerate name-calling and arguments and flaming.

This is advice forum, not a debate forum. Address your advice to the original poster.

If advice given is so out-of-line as to be incorrect or dangerous, report the post. If you are compelled to argue with a post, do it by PM- not in this forum.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

How much more plainly can I put it than what I posted...

NO MEANS NO!!!

I don't care if these two had been together for 30 years. If a wife (or husband) says stop, and you don't, it's RAPE! I don't care if it was, "let's stop for now and we'll do it again later". That is perfectly acceptable, and the bf should have IMMEDIATELY stopped. IT WAS RAPE! Plain and simple. I certainly hope no one ever decides to partner with you knowing that you'd just as soon rape them if you haven't cum yet just because they did.

I've been partnered for 12 years, and my partner would NEVER do that, because he loves me, and it's much more important for him to respect me as a human being than to climax. If I need him to stop, he STOPS. If he still needs to get off, then he does by himself. I never force him into doing anything, but sometimes it gives him pleasure just to get me off and see me enjoy that. The only one being selfish in this case is the bf for ignoring common sense respectful behavior.

There doesn't need to be a "pressing need" to stop. No one in any relationship is ever GUARANTEED the "right" to get off. If the OP wanted his bf to stop, that's all his bf needed to know. Period. They could then have discussed it, and maybe done something else later. The bf could even have said, "Please, I'm right there, I just need to finish". Then, had the OP consented, it wouldn't have been rape because there was consent.

HE DIDN'T CONSENT SO IT'S RAPE. Plain and simple.

This would never ever fly as rape in any court of law and Rightfully so, It would be a huge slap in the face for those who have actually been raped. There is no intent whatsoever, A suggestion of "Lets stop" is ambiguous and is not the same as screaming stop or no or get off me.. and definitely would not indicate the removal of consent that was there is the first place.

I am not going to personally attack you the way you have attacked me, but If you read my post you would see that I did say it was disrespectful and could be grounds for a break up in my opinion. IF this is my belief like I stated it does it really sound like I condone this behavior and would practice it myself? not likely

 

[palemale]

let's [lɛts]
contraction of
let us: used to express a suggestion, command, etc., by the speaker to himself and his hearers

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/let's

Doesn't sound like rape. The context is everything when using the imperative tense. Certain, when you consented to anal sex, and at the last moment said "let's stop," in the context, it sounds more like a suggestion than a command, especially since, from what you have told us, when he said he wasn't finished, you didn't say anything more.

I suggest not reporting him.

 

[racer2438]

To many variables here, not enough info, it a one sided story, and we dont have the whole picture of what happened.

It sounds more of someone not clearly understanding what the other wanted, and or he may have understood it to mean something else. It's all in the context of the situation and how they communicate with them selfs, and if tone of voice. The Op does not state why he wanted to stop, and bf was moments away from cumming. Op does not state he was hurt other than being pushed back down so bf could continue to fuck him.

hell even I do that with my honey, I say stop as I want to turn around but he is going on and lost in his sexy mind and may not of heard me say it. So I will just turn and move anyway..


But if you were hurt then you should gone to the hospital for a exam, call the police for a report, bare in mind he will not be your bf any more and as the trial comes up you will have to testify. And being as you were having sex already and have been with bf having sex b4 it's may not look good for you.

So to many things going on here and not enough info of the one sided story.

 

[bervin456]

there are a lot of things that could be misunderstood from what you've written and told us -- seeing alot of pro and anti comments here say that much. what happened before both of you have sex? what happened after both of you had sex? each person is defferent from one another. one can understand things and situations differently from what you may understand it.

you say that he is your boyfriend and you have sex with him. you wouldnt be boyfriends if you never trusted him. i assume you trust him. you trust your body to him enough to have sex with him.

rape also is a very big word. i wouldnt want to rush into the word rape to describe what happened. Assuming, you willingly had sex with him-- you reached your climax. it isnt rape in that field anymore(from what i define rape). you had sex with him, both of you had the intention of having sex. you wouldnt reach climax if you werent enjoying yourself from the beginning. furthermore, you wouldnt have sex with him if you didnt want it. i would consider this rape if you, from the start, didnt want to have sex with him. considering you willingly had sex with him, entrusted your body to him, and reached your climax, this isnt rape.

"In criminal law, rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse, by one person against another person without that person's consent."- wikipedia.com

"unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent " - merrian-webster.com

judging by this definition, what happened isnt rape.

what i can say is that this is a misunderstanding.
you may have been giving mixed and ambiguous signals to him. the situation in which this incident happened may also contribute further to the ambiguity of the situation and signal. he might have interpreted the words you said and the actions you did. people often and most of the time.(Darley and Latane experiment) misinterpret things when they are ambiguous. you said stop to him during the time that he may probably be just holding in his cum, "My bf told me that he was seconds away from climax (which he was) and wanted to finish because I had reached climax earlier." you can't just stop something in an instant especially when it is already going. you can't stop a huge rolling stone by the mountain side instantly just by standing in front of or by obstructing the rock down its path. look at it this way also, you said he came seconds after you said let's stop. maybe, he came earlier already so that you both could stop. there are also some people who want to play the "dominating" type when having sex. maybe he was playing this role when you were having sex yes, he may be dominating, but he may have just been playing and also, you are already having sex with him. why would you stop him? you already had your climax, why stop him having his? you didnt state your reason for wanting to stop so this is what i can say from what info you gave us. i may be wrong, i'm not god.

what i suggest you do is you open up to him. keep your mind open, be open minded. talk to him about what happened. say that you became uncomfortable,if you were as i dont know what the reason behind you wanting him to stop. talk with your bf. he is your boyfriend. he will understand you. communication is important in a relationship. don't close yourself. i wouldnt rush and call it rape or rush to the police to file a complaint. things will clear more if you talk to him. what happens during and after you talk to him is another question =)

 

[LilLightning]

There was actually an article (from msn I believe) about this topic.

In the United States, it's highly doubtful that your bf will be found guilty of rape if you two already consented to initiate sex in the first place. Is that wrong that he didn't stop? Probably, although I wouldn't want to be the one to make that decision since other previous posts have mentioned that the details and interpretations are vague. At the very least, I hope that you've addressed this with your bf.

In Sweden, it is rape if one partner decides at a certain point during intercourse do stop and the other party refuses to do so. This is exactly the dilemma that Julian Assange is facing.

 

[willlliamo]

I don't care what the law says: if i tell somebody to stop fucking me, they better fucking stop.

And for one poster to accuse the OP of being selfish: how is the top not selfish in this case? He completely ignored what the bottom wanted and kept fucking him. That's selfish and scary.

 

[bankside]

Hey FSO, it's been over a week since we've heard from you. I hope things are going okay. Take care...

 

[glyn2011]

I was having sex with my boyfriend and I was laying flat on my stomach. I wanted to stop so I said "let's stop" and I pushed myself up on my elbows so I could pull off him. He pushed me back down flat and said he was " not finished" and he was about to reach climax. Then he reached climax with in seconds of pushing me back down. My friends say because he didn't stop when I said "stop", that classifies as rape. My bf told me that he was seconds away from climax (which he was) and wanted to finish because I had reached climax earlier. Is this rape? I am very confused. Should I break up with him? report him? Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

I would suggest talking to him, explain to him how you felt. Because if you don't, it'll play on your mind. There are many posts I agree and disagree with here.
I personally never lay flat on my stomach during sex, as I like to have some control.
Tho I have found there are a few Tops and Vers guys who can be selfish coming to climax.
IMO 'lets stop' 'stop' 'no' still means stop/no. My bf always stops if I ask him, no matter what.

 

[ADamnFool]

Why would you want to stop...?
Either way...I don't think it's rape because he's your boyfriend, but he should have listened to you.
I don't know. Talk to him about it if you have a real issue with it.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Uh, just because someone's your boyfriend doesn't mean they can't rape you.

There are other reasons in this case that made it not rape. I think the poster was just being vague

 

[ADamnFool]

There are other reasons in this case that made it not rape. I think the poster was just being vague

Exactly. - _ -;