I am having a major dilemma right now not but it’s not so much of a bad thing but it is enough to inspire me to posts my first post on this site to get the wonderful advise of you guys (have been a member for quite sometime). Anyway here is what is going on in my life. Before I get to my point I think I should give you just a little history behind everything.
Well for a very long time I completely denied (to myself that is) that I was gay. I know that’s may sound stupid to some people but nonetheless it is true. The ironic thing about it is I have never hated gay people or thought living a gay life was wrong (as I have been told some gay men felt like that until they came to terms with who were), it’s just that I never actually saw myself living openly like that mainly because everyone else around me when I was growing up looked at homosexuality as being wrong and evil, so in hindsight I think that is where the denial part of being gay was ingrained in my life. I remember being around 8 or 9 and my mother asked me if I was gay or had feelings toward men, apparently this is always who I was as I was already giving off signals at that age, needless to say I completely denied the claim and I think it was because of the manner at which she approached me, crying and very angry, I’ll never forgot that day. Well as I said before I denied it and it was never brought up again with my family. Now let’s fast forward 10 years down the road.
Ok I made the decision no going into the military because I was unsure with what I wanted to do with my life but I knew I wanted to travel the world. Ok so after training and once I got to my first duty station I for the first time had complete free reign of what I wanted to for with my personal life. Still in doubt over who I was I ended up hooking up with a few girls but it wasn’t what I really wanted, I know that for a fact, most of the time it was an awkward situation but apparently I’m a good actor; I was just playing the straight game. Being in the military and being gay is especially hard because of the close mindedness so in a sense I wanted to fit in. Well I literally woke up one day after months of being depressed and looked in the mirror and just said to myself “You are gay so just be who you are”, it took a few seconds of reflection and then after that I felt great and like a weight had man lifted off my chest, I guess it was the first time I actually came out to myself but it felt good.
Shortly after that I became very close with another guy who was also in the service (not sexually) and soon became my best friend; everyone teased us about being gay but neither one of us cared. This would be the first time that I fell in love with someone; in essence it was everything a relationship is supposes to be without the sexual intimacy, the mere fact about being close and sharing almost every experience I had with him was enough for me, being in love is a wonderful feeling. To make a very long story short and fours years later I don’t know if he was gay or not and I never came out to him. I do think if anything he was very bi-curious because of some of the things we did but I never confronted him about it. Anyway shortly before I separated from the service a lot of people started making up rumors about us and several people asked me if we were gay. Neither one of us are famine at all. Besides everyone knowing that I have not had a girlfriend in quite a long time, the fact that we lived together for a few years (having roommates when you’re in the military is very common), and we both dress good, I don’t put out that I am gay in meaning that it is hard to tell just by the typical stereotypes. Whenever I was asked I never denied being gay I just never really gave a direct answer because of the fact that I was still in the service and could have gotten in trouble, and more than that I didn’t want anyone giving my best friend shit over something that had nothing to do with him if in fact he was straight, I would have rather been miserable than do that to him or put him through a hard time. Well a lot of guys I worked with distanced themselves from me toward the end of my stint in because I think by that time they knew by my reactions. That kind out hurt because I served in a war zone with them and two of them would not have been alive to judge me I wasn’t there to save to their lives, it’s amazing what homophobia will do to people who were once like you family. Also by this time I noticed a change in my roommate as well, he became slightly more distant from me and short tempered but I understood. I really do think he was Bi, maybe even gay but what ever it was he wasn’t comfortable confronting that issue at the time. Before I left to go back home I came out to a few people and the reaction that I got is what I expected, it was horrible, and I felt like someone had torn my heart out of my chest. I remember the night before I left knowing I had to say goodbye to someone I really loved (roommate) was the worst feeling, I cried almost the whole night and good thing I did too because when I said goodbye to my roommate the following day I had to smile like nothing was wrong and joke around like I was happy to leave, talk about putting up a good front but it faded as soon as I drove away. From that point of time I decided that no matter what I was not going to be open (except to myself) about being gay.
So I go home and the first thing that happens when I go out to get something to eat with my family is my cousin starts making fun of the waiter because he was obviously very gay acting, everyone soon followed making the typical gay joke calling him a fag, and my father saying they should all be executed. I felt bad because I didn’t say anything except leave the guy alone. I remember thinking to myself “if I ever needed I better reason not to tell anyone else I was gay here it is”, after not being home for 5 years and this being the first time I was with everyone again I left feeling like shit and disappointed in myself and almost regretful for who I was as a person.
I realized that I was going back in a state of depression being around my family because of how they think, essentially all those comments were indirectly for me as well. I decided to move across country a 1 ½ later to try and find myself again, basically starting over. I live in a big city with a fairly high population of gays, no guys and girls not San Fran. Anyway I meant some really good people where I am at now but I have one problem and it is the reason for this post. I initially meant a few people, one in particular who was also in the service but not with me. I hung out with him a few times and he is very sarcastic, he uses the word fag/homo a lot but in a joking manner. One day he tells me how much rent he is paying and that it is not to bad because he shares it with his partner, so I ask him if he lives with his girlfriend and he says no his boyfriend and then laughed. This guy is totally straight acting and I never would have guessed he was gay so I thought he was joking. Due to the reaction I got from the straight guys in the military who knew about me there was no way I planned on telling him. Well he asked me if I want to go hang out one night and of course I said yes. So he picks me up and had his boyfriend with him, I was shocked but I also like wow that’s totally cool. I mean the first people I am hanging out with in my new home are gay, almost like it wasn’t a coincidence but kind of meant to be. I could have meant anyone in this city of 600,000 people but someone these are the first two friends I am hanging out with.
Ok I am going to get to the point here. By this time everyone here thinks I am totally straight and at first that is the way I wanted it because for the most part I have always been around straight people who don’t accept gays and I didn’t want to get criticized for it. Well it turns out that these two guys are the two brothers I never had but should of. We hang out all the time and pretty much do everything together. I have no feelings for them in terms of a relationship and even if I did there is no way I would ever try and get in between what they have, I’m not that type of person to ever do something like that, that’s just not me, they are perfect for each other and I always tell them they should be married, like I said their the family I never had. I go to the gay bars/clubs with them all the time and everything is good but they think I am completely straight, just very gay friendly (which I am but you know what I mean). I also meant a lot of gay friends and they all think I am straight too just due to what the guys tell them when they ask if I am single. I never in a million years would have thought that I wanted to come out to the world again due to the reactions and hardships in the I dealt with in the past, I never wanted to experience that again but now I do because for the first time in my life I am surrounded by people like me and it is great. I don’t want these guys to think I have been lying to them and think that I have been pretending to be someone I’m not, a phony. I don’t want anything to change in terms of us, I just want to be honest and start living my life the way I should. I really wish I would have just come out to them to begin with once I knew they were gay, I still don’t know why I didn’t. I mean by that time they thought I was straight but it would have been so easy when we all first meant just to say “oh yeah I am gay too” but I didn’t. I hesitated and panicked and never told them. It really is hard to come out to them now after all of this time, especially them thinking I’m straight. I really don’t know what to do. I really want to come out to them but maybe I should just leave things the way they are. Sometime I feel bad when we go out and everyone has one thing in common, their all gay and even though I am too they don’t know it, I’m sure they don’t. For the first time in my life I am truly excited about being who I really am and I have the opportunity to do it but everything is wrong because I wasn’t honest. I actually almost told them the other day but for a lack of better words I chickened out because I’m really scared of the reaction of my friends if I tell them, I know I don’t liked being lied to and I think maybe that is the way they will take it. I know it may seem as though there is a really simple answer to this equation of a problem I dug myself into but for me it is not so easy.
Guys and girls and I sorry for the long post. I know some things may seem out of order, insignificant, or just as though I am jotting down random thoughts but these are the thoughts that are swirling through my brain right now. I wish I could have listed everything that happened that led up to this point and everything in between including the relationship with my old roommate. If I had the time to write it all down and if you had the patience to read it all than everything would seem a lot clearer as to why I am where I am at right now. So with that I come to you for advice, I would just like some opinions
Well for a very long time I completely denied (to myself that is) that I was gay. I know that’s may sound stupid to some people but nonetheless it is true. The ironic thing about it is I have never hated gay people or thought living a gay life was wrong (as I have been told some gay men felt like that until they came to terms with who were), it’s just that I never actually saw myself living openly like that mainly because everyone else around me when I was growing up looked at homosexuality as being wrong and evil, so in hindsight I think that is where the denial part of being gay was ingrained in my life. I remember being around 8 or 9 and my mother asked me if I was gay or had feelings toward men, apparently this is always who I was as I was already giving off signals at that age, needless to say I completely denied the claim and I think it was because of the manner at which she approached me, crying and very angry, I’ll never forgot that day. Well as I said before I denied it and it was never brought up again with my family. Now let’s fast forward 10 years down the road.
Ok I made the decision no going into the military because I was unsure with what I wanted to do with my life but I knew I wanted to travel the world. Ok so after training and once I got to my first duty station I for the first time had complete free reign of what I wanted to for with my personal life. Still in doubt over who I was I ended up hooking up with a few girls but it wasn’t what I really wanted, I know that for a fact, most of the time it was an awkward situation but apparently I’m a good actor; I was just playing the straight game. Being in the military and being gay is especially hard because of the close mindedness so in a sense I wanted to fit in. Well I literally woke up one day after months of being depressed and looked in the mirror and just said to myself “You are gay so just be who you are”, it took a few seconds of reflection and then after that I felt great and like a weight had man lifted off my chest, I guess it was the first time I actually came out to myself but it felt good.
Shortly after that I became very close with another guy who was also in the service (not sexually) and soon became my best friend; everyone teased us about being gay but neither one of us cared. This would be the first time that I fell in love with someone; in essence it was everything a relationship is supposes to be without the sexual intimacy, the mere fact about being close and sharing almost every experience I had with him was enough for me, being in love is a wonderful feeling. To make a very long story short and fours years later I don’t know if he was gay or not and I never came out to him. I do think if anything he was very bi-curious because of some of the things we did but I never confronted him about it. Anyway shortly before I separated from the service a lot of people started making up rumors about us and several people asked me if we were gay. Neither one of us are famine at all. Besides everyone knowing that I have not had a girlfriend in quite a long time, the fact that we lived together for a few years (having roommates when you’re in the military is very common), and we both dress good, I don’t put out that I am gay in meaning that it is hard to tell just by the typical stereotypes. Whenever I was asked I never denied being gay I just never really gave a direct answer because of the fact that I was still in the service and could have gotten in trouble, and more than that I didn’t want anyone giving my best friend shit over something that had nothing to do with him if in fact he was straight, I would have rather been miserable than do that to him or put him through a hard time. Well a lot of guys I worked with distanced themselves from me toward the end of my stint in because I think by that time they knew by my reactions. That kind out hurt because I served in a war zone with them and two of them would not have been alive to judge me I wasn’t there to save to their lives, it’s amazing what homophobia will do to people who were once like you family. Also by this time I noticed a change in my roommate as well, he became slightly more distant from me and short tempered but I understood. I really do think he was Bi, maybe even gay but what ever it was he wasn’t comfortable confronting that issue at the time. Before I left to go back home I came out to a few people and the reaction that I got is what I expected, it was horrible, and I felt like someone had torn my heart out of my chest. I remember the night before I left knowing I had to say goodbye to someone I really loved (roommate) was the worst feeling, I cried almost the whole night and good thing I did too because when I said goodbye to my roommate the following day I had to smile like nothing was wrong and joke around like I was happy to leave, talk about putting up a good front but it faded as soon as I drove away. From that point of time I decided that no matter what I was not going to be open (except to myself) about being gay.
So I go home and the first thing that happens when I go out to get something to eat with my family is my cousin starts making fun of the waiter because he was obviously very gay acting, everyone soon followed making the typical gay joke calling him a fag, and my father saying they should all be executed. I felt bad because I didn’t say anything except leave the guy alone. I remember thinking to myself “if I ever needed I better reason not to tell anyone else I was gay here it is”, after not being home for 5 years and this being the first time I was with everyone again I left feeling like shit and disappointed in myself and almost regretful for who I was as a person.
I realized that I was going back in a state of depression being around my family because of how they think, essentially all those comments were indirectly for me as well. I decided to move across country a 1 ½ later to try and find myself again, basically starting over. I live in a big city with a fairly high population of gays, no guys and girls not San Fran. Anyway I meant some really good people where I am at now but I have one problem and it is the reason for this post. I initially meant a few people, one in particular who was also in the service but not with me. I hung out with him a few times and he is very sarcastic, he uses the word fag/homo a lot but in a joking manner. One day he tells me how much rent he is paying and that it is not to bad because he shares it with his partner, so I ask him if he lives with his girlfriend and he says no his boyfriend and then laughed. This guy is totally straight acting and I never would have guessed he was gay so I thought he was joking. Due to the reaction I got from the straight guys in the military who knew about me there was no way I planned on telling him. Well he asked me if I want to go hang out one night and of course I said yes. So he picks me up and had his boyfriend with him, I was shocked but I also like wow that’s totally cool. I mean the first people I am hanging out with in my new home are gay, almost like it wasn’t a coincidence but kind of meant to be. I could have meant anyone in this city of 600,000 people but someone these are the first two friends I am hanging out with.
Ok I am going to get to the point here. By this time everyone here thinks I am totally straight and at first that is the way I wanted it because for the most part I have always been around straight people who don’t accept gays and I didn’t want to get criticized for it. Well it turns out that these two guys are the two brothers I never had but should of. We hang out all the time and pretty much do everything together. I have no feelings for them in terms of a relationship and even if I did there is no way I would ever try and get in between what they have, I’m not that type of person to ever do something like that, that’s just not me, they are perfect for each other and I always tell them they should be married, like I said their the family I never had. I go to the gay bars/clubs with them all the time and everything is good but they think I am completely straight, just very gay friendly (which I am but you know what I mean). I also meant a lot of gay friends and they all think I am straight too just due to what the guys tell them when they ask if I am single. I never in a million years would have thought that I wanted to come out to the world again due to the reactions and hardships in the I dealt with in the past, I never wanted to experience that again but now I do because for the first time in my life I am surrounded by people like me and it is great. I don’t want these guys to think I have been lying to them and think that I have been pretending to be someone I’m not, a phony. I don’t want anything to change in terms of us, I just want to be honest and start living my life the way I should. I really wish I would have just come out to them to begin with once I knew they were gay, I still don’t know why I didn’t. I mean by that time they thought I was straight but it would have been so easy when we all first meant just to say “oh yeah I am gay too” but I didn’t. I hesitated and panicked and never told them. It really is hard to come out to them now after all of this time, especially them thinking I’m straight. I really don’t know what to do. I really want to come out to them but maybe I should just leave things the way they are. Sometime I feel bad when we go out and everyone has one thing in common, their all gay and even though I am too they don’t know it, I’m sure they don’t. For the first time in my life I am truly excited about being who I really am and I have the opportunity to do it but everything is wrong because I wasn’t honest. I actually almost told them the other day but for a lack of better words I chickened out because I’m really scared of the reaction of my friends if I tell them, I know I don’t liked being lied to and I think maybe that is the way they will take it. I know it may seem as though there is a really simple answer to this equation of a problem I dug myself into but for me it is not so easy.
Guys and girls and I sorry for the long post. I know some things may seem out of order, insignificant, or just as though I am jotting down random thoughts but these are the thoughts that are swirling through my brain right now. I wish I could have listed everything that happened that led up to this point and everything in between including the relationship with my old roommate. If I had the time to write it all down and if you had the patience to read it all than everything would seem a lot clearer as to why I am where I am at right now. So with that I come to you for advice, I would just like some opinions
