Please read. Wits end with my boyfriend. HELP.

[brooklynguy91]

Hey guys, first post ever. I thank you in advance for taking the time to read it. I'm at wits end here and could use any and all advice.

Sooo first things first, I'm in a serious relationship with a guy I met online. I honestly have never felt this way about anyone ever before, and he feels the same way. I constantly tell my friends when they ask about our future together that if someone were to say that this was it, I would be completely okay with that.

As great as this all sounds, we have some issues. (What couple doesn't right?) It's really hard to understand him sometimes, his actions and what he says. Let's start with the most recent argument. Long story short I took me and the bf out with a few friends downtown. We both got pretty tipsy and both got talked in to stripping against each other in some lame bars strip contest. Now. I have body issues. I'm not overweight, but I was. So even the little chub I do have seems like ALOT. My boyfriend on the other hand has a rocking body. Yeah, I'll admit he could do with some chiseling being soft in some parts. But he generally has the body I wish I have. He's joked about wanting to be a stripper in his past and it was his birthday so I went along with it. I went first after the first contestant went and then he went after me. The drag queen MC found out it was his birthday and had him on stage dancing for over 10 minutes. Needless to say with his charm, good looks, and it being his birthday he won. NBD.

I felt really upset and weird that the audience (from what I heard, since I was pulled backstage with the other contestant) was so engaged with him. My mind ran wild with wanting to know what the hell was going on. Anyways.. I know he likes attention. He admits that. So last night we were texting and I made a funny joke about "A couple that strips together, stays together." He then replied with something like "Uggggh... easiest 65 bucks I've ever made in 20 minutes." I replied with some sass saying, "Well you can strip and get your money, but I won't stick around." I don't generally have trust issues with him, I have trust issues in general. As much as I wish I was as confident and care free about my body the way he is with his, I'm not. He knows that, but I would not feel comfortable knowing my boyfriend is getting sweaty dollar bills shoved down his balls every night.

After my last text he mentioned he was uncomfortable.. I asked why. He says, "Well I didn't always used to look the way I do now, and I never got the attention that I wanted. Now that I look like this, I'm not getting the attention I want because I'm not trying." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? I tried asking him if he doesn't feel like I'm giving him enough attention, it seriously rocked me to my core that he said something like that. I was like "So I'm not mad or anything (lie) but it sounds like you're not over your wild days yet, maybe you're seeking the attention that single guys get?" It irked me to the point where I regrettably added something along the lines of, "Is that what you want to be?" he ignored my text and didn't respond to me all day. He calls me after work like nothing is the matter. Pissing me off even further. He didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE how his words made me feel. Even after I told him. I shed light on the subject through text (dumb idea) after he cancelled plans with me this evening for some family function he thought he was able to get out of. I didn't argue through text, I simply told him how I felt in response to what he said. He basically ignored me, and I went on a rampage about being ignored. Because he does that all the time whenever we quarrel. He shuts down emotionally and says his FAVORITE sentence, "I don't wanna talk about it."

Now I'm a VERY emotional person, and I'm very vocal. If something is bothering me, you bet your ass I'm gonna tell you right then and there. I hate when stuff lingers. He doesn't value getting things handled quickly, and likes to let shit ruminate. After no response after an hour or so, I sent him another text trying to let him know how he was making me feel. I said, "I hate when you close off like this and ignore me, it makes me feel like you don't care about my feelings. It makes me not want to let you know when things are bothering me, because I'm afraid that you'll shutdown like you always do." He then angrily texts me back, saying I'm being selfish, that I never understand him and that he doesn't know what to say anymore. The real kicker was, "I seriously give up on you."

Now if that didn't hit you in the stomach like it did me, you have no soul. I literally crumbled. I was stunned, shocked, baffled. I've never had such a crueler sentence EVER said to me before. I shot back another text saying, "I'm done arguing. I'm shocked. I surrender, waving the white flag. So you give up on me. Is that your way of saying that this is over?"

I waited over an hour before having to text him again. "Please for my sanity, answer the question."

He then says, "You're pushing me away. I don't want to talk about this anymore. (FAMOUS SENTENCE WOOOOOT!) Go out tonight if you can. We will talk about whatever you want tomorrow. I love you. Good night."

WHAT. THE F**K. Seriously? This guy has me on some sick emotional roller coaster and I'm starting to feel like I really don't understand him. Any insight at all would be beneficial. When our relationship works, it REALLY works. However whenever I try to express a problem I'm having or something, he shuts down completely and it's so frustrating.

Please, I need some advice.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Ouch.

I kinda agree with him... you're pushing him away. Most of the argument started with YOUR jealousy and insecurities, and escalated from there. Your need for validation over the situation isn't helping.

 

[altlover85]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this.

I can understand where both of you are coming from to some degree. I've been the one who was less emotional and less communicative in one relationship and the opposite in a different one.

Here's my feedback.

I felt really upset and weird that the audience (from what I heard, since I was pulled backstage with the other contestant) was so engaged with him. My mind ran wild with wanting to know what the hell was going on. Anyways.. I know he likes attention. He admits that. So last night we were texting and I made a funny joke about "A couple that strips together, stays together." He then replied with something like "Uggggh... easiest 65 bucks I've ever made in 20 minutes." I replied with some sass saying, "Well you can strip and get your money, but I won't stick around." I don't generally have trust issues with him, I have trust issues in general. As much as I wish I was as confident and care free about my body the way he is with his, I'm not. He knows that, but I would not feel comfortable knowing my boyfriend is getting sweaty dollar bills shoved down his balls every night.

So it sounds like he made a joke and you got annoyed and voiced your annoyance. It might have been better for you to just text "lol"and then change the subject. Then if you wanted to talk about his stripping you could talk to him in the light of day. I can totally see where you're coming from especially given your past, but it might have been better to table it, especially since it was his birthday.

After my last text he mentioned he was uncomfortable.. I asked why. He says, "Well I didn't always used to look the way I do now, and I never got the attention that I wanted. Now that I look like this, I'm not getting the attention I want because I'm not trying." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? I tried asking him if he doesn't feel like I'm giving him enough attention, it seriously rocked me to my core that he said something like that. I was like "So I'm not mad or anything (lie) but it sounds like you're not over your wild days yet, maybe you're seeking the attention that single guys get?" It irked me to the point where I regrettably added something along the lines of, "Is that what you want to be?" he ignored my text and didn't respond to me all day.

He definitely chose his words wrong as well. And I can see how him ignoring you would bother you. It would bother me.

He calls me after work like nothing is the matter. Pissing me off even further. He didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE how his words made me feel. Even after I told him. I shed light on the subject through text (dumb idea) after he cancelled plans with me this evening for some family function he thought he was able to get out of. I didn't argue through text, I simply told him how I felt in response to what he said. He basically ignored me, and I went on a rampage about being ignored. Because he does that all the time whenever we quarrel. He shuts down emotionally and says his FAVORITE sentence, "I don't wanna talk about it."

Sometimes people don't really understand that in difficult times sometimes we just want our feelings acknowledged. The important part is that they have to know that acknowledgement isn't always the same as changing their behavior in an attempt to make us feel better.

And as far as "I don't want to talk about it" I can understand that too, but the important thing is that you find a time when you CAN talk about it. If he just simply refuses to talk about it, then you've got a big problem. Lack of communication has been an issue that has hurt many of my past relationships and has even hurt my current one at times.

Now I'm a VERY emotional person, and I'm very vocal. If something is bothering me, you bet your ass I'm gonna tell you right then and there. I hate when stuff lingers. He doesn't value getting things handled quickly, and likes to let shit ruminate. After no response after an hour or so, I sent him another text trying to let him know how he was making me feel. I said, "I hate when you close off like this and ignore me, it makes me feel like you don't care about my feelings. It makes me not want to let you know when things are bothering me, because I'm afraid that you'll shutdown like you always do." He then angrily texts me back, saying I'm being selfish, that I never understand him and that he doesn't know what to say anymore.

I don't think he actually likes to let things ruminate. He may just feel uncomfortable talking about feelings, especially uncomfortable ones. Also when there is a difference in the emotional level of two boyfriends, I've found it can stress them both out. I would suggest counseling or reading some couples books because these things sometimes get worse because the less emotional one keeps retreating farther back from the more emotional one and the emotional one resents him for it and it only makes the emotional one more emotional, thus perpetuating a damaging cycle.

I would avoid using words like always or never because even if they are true, they put the other person on the defensive.

The real kicker was, "I seriously give up on you."

Now if that didn't hit you in the stomach like it did me, you have no soul. I literally crumbled. I was stunned, shocked, baffled. I've never had such a crueler sentence EVER said to me before. I shot back another text saying, "I'm done arguing. I'm shocked. I surrender, waving the white flag. So you give up on me. Is that your way of saying that this is over?"

I waited over an hour before having to text him again. "Please for my sanity, answer the question."

He then says, "You're pushing me away. I don't want to talk about this anymore. (FAMOUS SENTENCE WOOOOOT!) Go out tonight if you can. We will talk about whatever you want tomorrow. I love you. Good night."

You two definitely shouldn't be having these types of conversations over text, if at all possible.

I think one of the things you both have to work on if you want this to work with him is to try and not let it get to this point. You have to try and explain your emotions calmly and maybe take some time to process your emotions before you talk to him, if need be. This might cause him to be more receptive to you. I know I'm guilty of saying things that I probably shouldn't when I'm upset, even if they are on my mind or are honest revelations of my feelings.

WHAT. THE F**K. Seriously? This guy has me on some sick emotional roller coaster and I'm starting to feel like I really don't understand him. Any insight at all would be beneficial. When our relationship works, it REALLY works. However whenever I try to express a problem I'm having or something, he shuts down completely and it's so frustrating.

Please, I need some advice.

I don't think you do understand him and I don't think he understands you either. That's okay and not the end of the world. The most important part is to talk about these things when you are calm and perhaps think about using outside resources (books and therapy) to try and understand each other better

Good luck and hang in there!

 

[brooklynguy91]

I don't necessarily know how I'm pushing him away though. I'll admit I have jealousy and insecurities.. but who doesn't? I was more upset that he said the things he did, when I felt I really didn't do anything wrong besides mentioning I was hurt and not getting a response back from him.

I don't really know how I'm pushing away, I'd love to here more feedback.

 

[brooklynguy91]

Thanks for the feedback Atlover85, sweet of you to read all of it! I know we shouldn't be, but I get carried away quickly.

 

[Disturbance]

I understand your boyfriend craving for more attention.
I have the same craving, and it can be satisfied without sex or romantic involvement, so don't worry too much about it.

I am flirty in general, and interacting with other helps me a lot. I seek constant validation as an attractive, witty man.
I don't need to engage in intercourse or romance to get that validation. The willingess of other people is more than enough.

Now, your boyfriend may want to feel the same way. He wants to be desired. It doesn't neccesarily mean that he will leave you or cheat on you.

However I understand why this fills you with jealousy. This is something you should discuss with him in great detail.

 

[Seasoned]

He does not have you on a roller coaster. You'll do better when you own your own ride. The first thing I'd suggest is getting a list of fair fighting rules and having some time for each of you to study them. Once you do you'll drop the words "always" and "never." They'll blow up in your face every time.

Secondly, you are making a mistake if you want him to build up your self esteem. No one can do that for you and if you use others to make yourself feel better you are giving away personal power which has the effect if lowering self esteem.

A healthy relationship is all about acceptance and communication.

Feel free to pm me. I have a 30+ year relationship that has been complex and enhanced by therapy when needed.

 

[eastofeden]

I think you should take the time that you are using to dissect his response and instead dissect your own.

You casually dismiss your own insecurities and jealousy as insignificant yet you act as if any of his "faults" need to be dealt with...

I think you should talk to yourself...if you make him responsible for your feelings then it isn't really him that has the problem.

 

[Disturbance]

if you make him responsible for your feelings then it isn't really him that has the problem.

Actually, feelings are just there, no-one is really responsible for them.
He is only responsible for the reaction he chooses.

 

[eastofeden]

Actually, feelings are just there, no-one is really responsible for them.
He is only responsible for the reaction he chooses.

The problem is...you want him to address your feelings when it is you that should address them. You are demanding that he respond to them when you already know they are a problem. That is the context I was referring to.

 

[brooklynguy91]

I literally have agreed with pretty much everything I've read from you guys and I truly appreciate all your responses. Thank you. I more so now don't know what my next step is. I don't think it's normal for him to have said what he has said, what I'm getting from most of you is to simply ignore that I was hurt and forget about it? I don't know.

 

[Disturbance]

The problem is...you want him to address your feelings when it is you that should address them. You are demanding that he respond to them when you already know they are a problem. That is the context I was referring to.

Well, both parties in the relationship must adress those feelings and come to a consensus. Communication is key.

 

[brokegayguy]

Your reaction to his "I seriously give up on you" (which you said was by TEXT by the way):

Now if that didn't hit you in the stomach like it did me, you have no soul. I literally crumbled. I was stunned, shocked, baffled. I've never had such a crueler sentence EVER said to me before.

Now his reaction to you asking if he's dumping you:

"You're pushing me away. I don't want to talk about this anymore. (FAMOUS SENTENCE WOOOOOT!) Go out tonight if you can. We will talk about whatever you want tomorrow. I love you. Good night."

And your reaction to the above statement:

WHAT. THE F**K. Seriously? This guy has me on some sick emotional roller coaster and I'm starting to feel like I really don't understand him.

No offense but he is SO not the problem here...

 

[altlover85]

I'm glad my feedback could help you. I've been there before, so I know how complex emotions and communicating can be.

I literally have agreed with pretty much everything I've read from you guys and I truly appreciate all your responses. Thank you. I more so now don't know what my next step is. I don't think it's normal for him to have said what he has said, what I'm getting from most of you is to simply ignore that I was hurt and forget about it? I don't know.

I would say have a talk with him when you feel calm. Maybe just have a general relationship talk where you can both feel free to discuss the positives and the negatives of the relationship.

I don't think ignoring and forgetting about it is going to help your relationship, but just be aware that you were both at fault for what happened and understand that sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment that we don't really mean.

 

[bruce379]

1. Chill out
2. Don't be a control freak
3. Have a sense of humor
4. Kiss and make up. Say you're sorry that you became jealous. And have some mind-blowing sex with him
5. If you're insecure about your body, work out and let him be your inspiration
6. If you're bf looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model consider yourself one lucky bitch
7. I'd parade that sexy mothafuckef if I were you. Everyday. And watch every other motherfucker drool.