Please slap some sense into me.

[lukewhoitis]

Okay, so I'm sort of in love/lust with my gay best friend. Its a really weird situation. We are really good friends to the point where we will literally talk about anything and I don't really want to change what our relationship is at the moment because its pretty perfect. That said, the moment he gets a boyfriend or shows some interest in somebody all I can think about is he and I together. Its really irritating because when he's single I don't want him and I know something romantic between us wouldn't work out at all. It goes from two extremes of being completely platonic when he's single to the point where he can stand in front of me naked and I don't care to literally not being able to sleep at night because I'm thinking about him when he is with someone else.

Its not even really as easy as that, the other night when we were drunk (whilst he was in a relationship) he asked me to go back to his and told me to stop stringing him along (which I'm not, we've never flirted or anything besides jokingly) and I said no. One time we were dancing and he tried to kiss me and I moved my head. Its just really bizarre.

We've always had a platonic friendship, we would joke about dating and stuff like that but neither of us really mean it. I mean, there is nothing really wrong with him, he's good looking, smart, we get on well etc. just it never previously crossed my mind that I should want anything romantic/sexual.

I'm not sure if its maybe down to jealousy or something, I have been single the whole time we've been friends (about a year and a half) and maybe the fact that he's got somebody is what causes it. Meh. I don't know. Its sort of like, I don't want him to be with me, I just don't want him to be with anybody else lol. Or maybe jealousy that his new boyfriend will take some of the focus away from me as his friend. But even if that is it, its not warranted, simply because we speak about the same amount anyway.

Does anyone else know what I mean? Or am I just being a crazy person? I don't really know why I wrote all this here, just the person I would actually speak to about this kind of thing is actually him.

 

[slnattak]

I think he's your good friend and you have a crush on him but you're not really meant to be together forever in the umm ideal romantic "marriage" way.

A crush can just be a crush you know. I think you might be overanalyzing here.

And you want him to be happy right? So let him figure things out on his own... if you two are meant to be together I think it will happen.

I do think though that male-male romantic relationships are hard because all guys weren't encouraged to talk about our feelings and so we end up just writing about them. Many gay men have tortured themselves and it's like their "love" was nothing but a slow suicide.

I think what you really fear here is that you won't find somebody like your friend, who is also gay, who you're also mutually attracted to, who also can emotionally commit to you. And that fear is very understandable. Not everybody finds a relationship and it's sad.

 

[rareboy]

You're just jealous. And childish, although I don't mean that in a mean way.

Don't worry that you're alone; it is more common than it should be.

It has to stop because it likely extends beyond this bff/bf thing.

You are playing out the classic role of being indifferent to all the things you can have and only lusting after the things or people you can't have. Not only are there likely at least two deadly sins attached to this behaviour, but it keeps you from living a fully satisfied life.

If you don't want him as a lover, make this clear to him as well as the reasons why.

Secretly, I think you do want him, but you're afraid that it will strip away the protective veil over your friendship. he should understand that.

 

[slnattak]

He tried to kiss you once and you moved your head, but then you're conflicted on what you want him or not? You're sending the poor guy mixed signals.

Dude that sounds pretty messed up. You can't treat people like that.

Ugh just be kind to people. Or avoid them. It's not that hard.

If somebody kisses you while drunk you need to be assertive and tell them what you really want not 'Lost Fag' ish.

 

[slnattak]

He tried to kiss you once and you moved your head, but then you're conflicted on what you want from him or not? You're sending the poor guy mixed signals.

Dude that sounds pretty messed up. You can't treat people like that.

Ugh just be kind to people. Or avoid them. It's not that hard.

If somebody kisses you while drunk you need to be assertive and tell them what you really want not 'Lost Fag' ish. Work on your social skills and learn how to communicate your needs.

 

[lukewhoitis]

He tried to kiss you once and you moved your head, but then you're conflicted on what you want him or not? You're sending the poor guy mixed signals.

Dude that sounds pretty messed up. You can't treat people like that.

Ugh just be kind to people. Or avoid them. It's not that hard.

If somebody kisses you while drunk you need to be assertive and tell them what you really want not 'Lost Fag' ish.

I've not given him mixed signals. I've not told him that I have a crush on him or anything, to the best of my knowledge he hasn't got a clue that I like him as anything more than a friend.

I think the person who said that I won't find a boy like him and thats why it bugs me is right though, sounds accurate.

 

[racer2438]

you need to put on your big boy pants and grow up.. plain and simple..

 

[lukewhoitis]

you need to put on your big boy pants and grow up.. plain and simple..

Well, I can't really help the fact that I like him can I? If I could help it I would have done.

I wanted someone to tell me how to get over it, not tell me something I already know.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I can't really help the fact that I like him can I? If I could help it I would have done.

I wanted someone to tell me how to get over it, not tell me something I already know.

??

I thought you didn't like him.

I'll go with that assumption. I'm going to take a slightly different tack. This isn't jealousy. It's selfishness, and conceit.

So long as he's running after you - and you know he wants you - your ego is stroked, you get the benefits of companionship without the hassle of relationship.

He gives you his affection, and you know he has no claim on you.

Isn't that convenient?

So where does the selfishness come in? You don't want anyone else playing with your toys even if you just keep them in the cupboard.

Yes you need to start acting like a stand up guy, and not like a selfish kid.

So how do you do that? Self control. make a point of not saying anything next time he finds a date.

You don't have to do or say anything negative. You don't have to sabotage - and if you do, it's because you can't control your own damn self. Control yourself. You don't have to be happy for him, but if he's your friend, you'll want what's best for him - and that's not you.

What you do is start thinking about his welfare ahead of your own, then act on it.

 

[Seasoned]

I suggest that you try to think of him as always being in a relationship and expand your interests so that you do more things independent of him. That way you'll be ready for your own romantic relationship. If you are not able to accomplish this emotional separation on your own you will need therapy. I agree with you that there is no sense beating yourself up for how you feel. Feelings come and go. It's what we do with feelings that matter.

 

[aijalon18]

Not sure what you should. But dont beat urself up too much. It's better than all the people in love with their straight friends who they have no chance with.

 

[stoney]

Not sure what you should. But dont beat urself up too much. It's better than all the people in love with their straight friends who they have no chance with.

True dat.

It sounds like you do like him, and that he likes you too. Which is a handy situation isn't it
But seriously, why don't you just go for it. You're young, you're allowed to make mistakes. And while sleeping with him may cause some awkwardness in the short term, it sounds like you have an amazing foundation of friendship with each other, so you can just move on, having revealed your feelings to each other. Though I think they're semi-clear to an outside observer - he basically asked to sleep with you, and if he's keeping you awake just thinking about him, there must be some attraction there.
You also have to bear in mind how he must be feeling, if you're so close he's probably noticed your jealousy of him in relationships, but then you don't take up his advances when he does make them. Mixed signals are not a pleasant thing, even though sometimes you just end up sending them anyway.

Hope it works out.

 

[KaraBulut]

Relationships aren't always one thing or another. Friends are often attracted to each other in lots of different ways.

However, you're correct in observing that this isn't about your attraction to each other. It's about jealousy. You don't necessarily want him but you also don't want to share him.

There's a couple of options- you can get on with your own life and find someone that you are romantically interested in and get on with your own life. Or you can get clear on whether you want more than a friendship with this guy and put it on the line to find out whether it is more than just a friendship.

One thing is clear- friendship doesn't give you exclusive rights. And this jealousy isn't healthy for anyone.

 

[ucfknight12]

Here is what I think you should do, but I could just be a little naive in this instance as it is what I would do. Also only do this if you are both single, do not allow him to cheat on a boyfriend.

If you want to truly see how you feel about him and vice versa let him kiss you and kiss him back and let that feeling determine what happened. I'm gonna quote an old song that I like "If you wanna know if he loves you so, its in his kiss."