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Please tell me I am overly sensitive..

T

talmoode

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Hello all.

Now, I have been with this guy for 4 years and first two years of the relationship was not good at all. Arguing all the time but the last 2 years have been great. A few hiccups here and there but all good.

You may have already noticed from my writing that I am not a native English speaker and yes I am not and living in English speaking country, I cannot help but being sensitive about my English, especially accent and pronunciation.

Anyways, He and I were talking about something and there was this word that I couldn't pronounce very well and he started to make fun of my pronunciation. At first I was like ye ye ye but he continued doing so I told him to stop but he went on til the end of the conversation.

I wasn't too happy about it and brought that up a couple of days later telling him that I don't like being made fun of because of my accent/pronunciation but it seemed like he didn't get why it bothered me saying things like why I am living in this country if I hate speaking English so much (which doesn't make sense)

Anyways, I got really frustrated and called him dumb and left.

So we had stopped talking for a couple of days and I Just sent him a text telling him that I am sorry that I was being difficult the other day but I really don't like being made fun of because of my English and I want you to stop doing it.

Reply from him: You were very rude calling me a dumb which made me very upset. The world is at war and I don't understand why you are concerned about little things like pronunciation of some words blah blah...


So I replied to tell him to sorry for calling him a dumb.


Fact 1: He was mad because I called him a dumb and he doesn't like being called a dumb and I apologized for calling him a dumb.

Fact 2: I was mad because he made fun of my English pronunciation and I don't like being made of fun of because of my English and he still doesn't get why I was mad.

So my question is :

Why is it okay for him to get upset when being called a dumb and why I am not supposed to get mad when being made fun of?


I know it seems like a tiny little thing but am I really being overly sensitive?
 
It's really hard to assess because I would have to take into consideration alot of things.... the tone..the body language...the context....

I have to say I wouldn't even know English was not your native language if you hadn't said something.

Maybe there is a trigger moment for you...something in the tone or what he is saying specifically that sets you off? We all have these I think...and what they are varies from person to person.

I find it helpful to figure out the trigger and what might be the underlying emotion....maybe a bad experience?...shame?...being embarrassed by something?...bad memory?...could be anything really.....maybe meditate about it?
 
He acted like a dick and he knows he did, doesn't mean he'll admit it though, because he's a dick.

It's not really worth breaking up with him though.
 
talmoode said:
...Why is it okay for him to get upset when being called a dumb and why I am not supposed to get mad when being made fun of?

I know it seems like a tiny little thing but am I really being overly sensitive?
Click to expand...
You're both entitled to your feelings.

But if you both want your relationships to survive, you need to pick your battles, learn to say you're sorry and learn to accept sincere apologies, then move on.
 
You were right to be upset, but he isn't getting it. If you want to remain close to him you will have to forget about it. Sooner or later there will be a time in all relationships when we have to just give someone the benefit of the doubt and move on with the relationship. If it happens too many times, then you may want to break the relationship, but it doesn't sound like it is at that point.
 
And again: you are right to be upset.
Given that you went through 2 bad years, was any of that caused by him making fun of your learning English? Because that is truly not nice, regardless of what (character) flaws you have chosen to accept.

Does he see you as less than his equal because English is not your native language? If you're from another culture and your partner is behaving as he did and some of his putting you down is based on language, or behaviors common to your culture and when you bring it to his attention, he goes "why are you being so sensitive...?" than that's not cool. If you were Black and he was White, I'd say he was being racist. Even without that being the case, that pops up a lot when one of the two peoples' culture is looked down on, so if that's what's going on, re-examine your commitment to someone who "disses" you for, essentially, not being American - or coming from an "English-speaking" country, as though that is the pinnacle of civilized society.

And please don't accept for the "you're being too sensitive" as "okay" behavior. For example, if a man said that to a woman in the United States today, he'd get his head torn off for that statement. What's the difference between that example and your partner dissing you about learning the language he grew up with, even if it is only an occasional thing he does? Does he even know how to speak 10 sentences of your native language? He sounds a little like what used to be called - "The Ugly American." This was mostly after World War II, when Americans - having 'saved the world.' traveled a lot and demonstrated pretty rude (and crude) behavior to the rest of the world ("Don't you speak English?" when the American was visiting Japan, for example) -
 
Look for the rules for fair fighting online and share them and ask him to commit to them. A loving partner backs off when asked to.

How many languages does he speak perfectly?
 
Talmoode, you've disappeared. What the hell is going on in your life? Are things better or not?
 
An argument like this should not lead to not talking to each other for days after a four year relationship. I would laugh it off if my lover told me something like that. My ex always used to comment on my grammar. Big deal.
 
fallinlove said:
An argument like this should not lead to not talking to each other for days after a four year relationship. I would laugh it off if my lover told me something like that. My ex always used to comment on my grammar. Big deal.
Click to expand...

The original poster said that English is not his native language. If I lived in another country and my own lover was making fun of my pronunciation of his language, that would be a red flag for me, especially the "making fun of" part. Not to mention the first two years -as the OP said - were bad in their relationship.

And time is irrelevant in this case. People are getting beat up because they wear Muslim clothing, or speak differently. When you come home and your own partner is making fun of you, too, that's whack. That's a subtle form of abuse.
 
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