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Please tell me I'm paranoid (friend problem).

J

JarodA

JUB Addict
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Sorry if this seems a little childish or something. I've always been very behind when it comes to socializing. #-o This doesn't exactly belong here, but it is a "relationship", just a friend one though.

Anyway, for years I had no friends - since I was about 12, until my final year of high school. Anyway, I finally thought things were looking up, at least where this guy was concerned. We took music class together, and things we did together included: he asked me to record drums for him on a song he wrote, we entered school talent show together by his invitation, and he invited me to my first birthday party since I don't even know, where I had my first beer. At said party, he said lots of nice stuff about me and I was on the verge of crying 'cause I hadn't ever got that before.

Anyway, we haven't seen each other for a while and we're friends on Bebo. I've found that even though he seems to contact other people through the normal profile comment system, the only way I seem to be able to chat with him is by sending a private message, and even then, I can only get one reply out of him at a time. Often I send a reply to his reply but I don't hear anything back.

After everything he's done for me (and vice versa) and all the nice stuff he's said to and about me, I find it hard to believe that he's ignoring me on purpose, but I'm not used to having friends, so I don't really know about this stuff. Most recently, I sent a PM saying something like "Let me know when you're not busy and we can catch up, if you want to of course". You'd think that would be his cue to reply and say "Yes".

I'm probably overreacting, but I hate being socially inept. I'm worried that he only befriended me because he's a good guy and he felt sorry for me, but has now gone off me. :(

BTW I don't like him above friendship level and I haven't come out to him or anything. Just thought I should add that.
 
You're being paranoid, and that bit you added at the end of your message in bold, is just sad.

So you can message him on the internet, but you don't have his phone number or anything? Have you tried giving him a phone call? Friends usually call each other, or at the very least text.

How much time also are you giving him to respond? He might not be as active on the internet as you.

Frankly it sounds like you need more friends. I would work on that rather then dwell on this.
 
Well hopefully once I get a new job soon I can start working on that. Anyway, I guess the bolded part was pretty sad. I'll try and make up for that. Not just now though and definitely not over Bebo or he'll think I'm a complete psycho.

Anyway, I've never called him at home before, but I think I'll definitely see about that. I text him sometimes but I haven't had money on my phone for ages.
 
It's not childish to want to have a friend at all man. Not at all.
It's just human nature.

I know you are not socially inept. And dont' you think for one minute that he was feeling sorry for you.

I've read your posts here and I pretty much figure that you are someone that may be a bit shy, but not inept socially.

Hell, sometimes it takes time to get to understand how to be with people in a social situation. I know that was the case with me.

You will be fine in the long run.... just now it may be a bit difficult. But the good guys always pull out in the end. And since I 'know you' outside of jub I know you are a just the sort that will be happy sooner rather than later.
 
listen to your friend tonyboy mann!! he has some awesome advise that can truely help you understand things a little more clearly!!
 
tonyboy said:
It's not childish to want to have a friend at all man. Not at all.
It's just human nature.

I know you are not socially inept. And dont' you think for one minute that he was feeling sorry for you.

I've read your posts here and I pretty much figure that you are someone that may be a bit shy, but not inept socially.

Hell, sometimes it takes time to get to understand how to be with people in a social situation. I know that was the case with me.

You will be fine in the long run.... just now it may be a bit difficult. But the good guys always pull out in the end. And since I 'know you' outside of jub I know you are a just the sort that will be happy sooner rather than later.
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I love you. :D As a friend of course.

This whole thing seems pretty pathetic now. A few minutes ago I had the doldrums pretty bad but I'm just realizing how silly this all is really. All I have to do is make more of an effort I suppose. I never even considered ringing him #-o. Anyway, thanks.
 
Please don't consider it pathetic or silly. It was a genuine concern, and you should not be beating yourself up about it.

(*8*)
 
I can also confirm that you kiwis rely too heavily on the internet as far as communication and meeting people goes.

You should try to make some new friends. You can't rely on work to get you mates either. It's easier said then done. I know not much happens over there, but that has to be some just social activity gay or straight you could do to meet people. I lived there for a year and a half and I had absolutely no problems making friends wherever I went. You just have to make yourself available and be up for anything. Being shy will only get you so far.

It's summer now, go do something crazy like picking kiwi fruit in te puke, or something in the tourist industry.
 
You're keeping the lines of communication open - that's cool. But you're relying complete and solely on this one guy to be your social outlet. That's not so cool. In fact, read back what you wrote about why he's your friend.

he asked me to record drums for him on a song he wrote, we entered school talent show together by his invitation, and he invited me to my first birthday party since I don't even know, where I had my first beer. At said party, he said lots of nice stuff about me and I was on the verge of crying 'cause I hadn't ever got that before.

It sounds like he was a good friend. He validated your existence, increased your feeling of self-worthwand made you feel special. But note that that's all what HE did for YOU.

What'd you do for him?

Because friendship IS a two-way street. Friends help each other out. Yes, sometimes one needs help (an ego boost or what have you) more than the other. But the helpee should always try to reciprocate, and at least be appreciative to the helper. Perhaps you were all that, but the post doesn't give much clue.

So what do you do now? Stop waiting for a response. Stop waiting for someone to invite you to play drums on something they wrote, or for an invitation to a birthday party. Find someone who needs a drummer, or better yet, a friend. And befriend them. Yeah, you're probably not very good at "making friends", but you may as well learn late than not at all.

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
You're keeping the lines of communication open - that's cool. But you're relying complete and solely on this one guy to be your social outlet. That's not so cool. In fact, read back what you wrote about why he's your friend.

he asked me to record drums for him on a song he wrote, we entered school talent show together by his invitation, and he invited me to my first birthday party since I don't even know, where I had my first beer. At said party, he said lots of nice stuff about me and I was on the verge of crying 'cause I hadn't ever got that before.

It sounds like he was a good friend. He validated your existence, increased your feeling of self-worthwand made you feel special. But note that that's all what HE did for YOU.

What'd you do for him?

Because friendship IS a two-way street. Friends help each other out. Yes, sometimes one needs help (an ego boost or what have you) more than the other. But the helpee should always try to reciprocate, and at least be appreciative to the helper. Perhaps you were all that, but the post doesn't give much clue.

So what do you do now? Stop waiting for a response. Stop waiting for someone to invite you to play drums on something they wrote, or for an invitation to a birthday party. Find someone who needs a drummer, or better yet, a friend. And befriend them. Yeah, you're probably not very good at "making friends", but you may as well learn late than not at all.

Lex
Click to expand...

He's off to university soon, so while people saying "make new friends" is the reality check I don't exactly want to hear, it is reality.
 
Lots of good advice so far. I'd just like you to know that this guy isn't your only friend--you've got a lot of friendly people here, too. (perhaps an unorthodox sort of friendship... but the point remains.)
 
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