Please tell me what you think about this cheater?

[G-Lexington]

First off, look into paragraph breaks. That thing was a bitch to read.

As for your problem? I think you did the right thing in leaving. He went on vacation with his ex, got drunk, and did sexual things with her "a couple times". Once, I could possibly maybe eventually forgive, but a COUPLE times? Like he had NO clue it would happen again? And, as always in these cases, it "happened". No decision on his part. The wind blew their clothes off and into each other's arms. Happens all the time. He obviously made the choice, and the choice was his ex.

Should you be mad at her? Sorta. I mean, she KNEW, right? That you two were a couple?

Did you handle it right? Not really. Yes, you're 19. So you're immature. And yes, you want him to hurt. But don't give him ammunition. Just break it off clean and (to the best of your ability) calmly. "I don't feel I can trust you anymore." The end. I think you're doing the right thing in cutting off contact, but as much as you can, don't be vindictive about it. Anger won't add anything. Just stop dealing with them.

Lex

 

[Homoerectus]

I stopped reading because it is too hard to read and not well organized.

 

[Ramindra]

ditto...I gave up

 

[backpacker]

Lex gives perfect advice. You did the right thing by breaking up with him, but did it in the wrong way. Too late now to worry about that. You deserve someone who will be honest and not cheat on you. You ex didn't provide you either. I know it's tough right now, but you are better off without him.

 

[Danno55]

I get so tired of people blaming booze or drugs or anything else on their infedelity(is that spelled right?). People make choices and a cheater can't be trusted. No relationship can survive anything but honesty and open sharing (Jeez I sound like dr. Phil) You did the right thing. Just keep the theatrics to a minimum if you can!

 

[VICTORIADON]

I mostly like young guys, as they don't have garbage collected around them, sorry, you are the exception.

Sorry.

Don

 

[Kulindahr]

Lex and Danno and ohokyeahright pretty much covered it.
The way the friend said "he woke up in bed with her" makes me wonder if the truth is that they made out several times, except once, too drunk to realize what he was doing, he went farther, and woke up not even knowing how he'd gotten where he was, and feeling like crap. But if he'd been making out with her, he should have been smart enough to not drink that much, and should have backed off after the first time -- I mean, really, is screwing her going to get you upset, but making out won't?
You handled things emotionally, but then love is an emotional thing; more, at 19 your brain is happily reconfiguring itself, and you can't count on thinking rationally. At 23, his brain ought to be settled down, but hormones do rage, so there's irrationality on both parts.
What would I do? I haven't been out long enough to have gotten over being scared at the idea of a bf, so I have no clue. I hope I'd at least manage to communicate clearly that (1) he hurt me a lot, (2) I'm confused and feel betrayed, (3) my trust is shot to Patagonia, and (4) so I can't handle being around him; forget about being together (at least for now; love can change people when they least expect it -- but I wouldn't say that!).

 

[G-Lexington]

The reason that tight-asses like myself enjoy "grammatic and stylistic perfection" isn't because we've got some sort of English fetish. It's because the better something is written, the easier it is to understand. As I said, your story was a bitch to read. I had to keep going back and re-reading portions of it, to make sure I was understanding it correctly. It took a lot of work. And reading shouldn't BE work. Ideally, I shoud spend most of my time while reading thinking, "What advice can I give?" rather than "Wait, what's he saying again?"

Lex

 

[backpacker]

The alcohol just made it easier for him to do what he wanted to do anyway. If his intentions were truly to be faithful to you, then that's what would have happened. You are letting him off the hook too easy by blaming it on the alcohol. You did the right think by dumping him.

 

[M4P]

Hey Guys

While I realize the post may not score points for formatting and grammer, please keep your responses to the content of the post

Let's all keep in mind this is a No-Flame Zone!

Thank you

 

[Kulindahr]

You seem comfortable with where you're at, for the moment anyway. Now for something important:

What will you do if he tries to meet with you again?

That's one you should think about and plan for. Obviously he didn't think about the consequences of drinking where his ex would be, and he's in a lot of grief because of that. Thinking ahead, planning ahead, is a matter of respect not just for others but for yourself, too, not just one of saving yourself grief.

Such planning can include anything from thinking it through till you believe you'll be able to handle it well, to writing a letter because you know you'll just blow up at him, to hashing it out with people (like here) willing to help out. Given the emotional involvement, it's an investment worth making.

 

[Dejajb]

you did the right thing, i would have dumped him myself. As a person, you have needs aswell, one of those is being respected, and he was not doing that.

 

[spreadeagle]

I think you were naive, but understandable at 19. Anyone with a little more experience would have put the drunkeness, the 2.30 call and the guilt together and realised the state of play.

But that's not really the point. You seem to have a continuum of disloyalty where making out with an ex is forgiveable but actually sleeping with an ex is not. It's never too early in a relationship to begin to voice your expectations about commitment, trust and loyalty. That way you'll be clear in your own mind about what standard of behaviour is required and you'll know immediately what to do if either your partner, or you, overstep the bounds.

If you had been the one who had a fling when your b/f was out of town would you have told him, or would you have kept quiet? What value do you place on the fact that he told you what had happened (even if there was some lackof clarity about the degree of his involvement)?

 

[kayman23]

He apparently lied, so that is a big no-no in my book. However, I would have at least let him told me the whole truth before I would have dumped him.

Take your time out for yourself and get yourself together.

 

[theFallenGod]

you did the right thing... you NEVER forgive a cheater... because forgiving them means they'll do it again...

 

[Kulindahr]

^ Most excellently done!

 

[G-Lexington]

Cool deal. Honestly, I hope there's not much more to report on this, unless "yeah, we see each other once in awhile, we say 'hi', but that's about it" counts as a status report. Good luck.

Lex

 

[idunoo]

Nice ending, very nice not violence very calm, It's ok there will alway be the first time you will find someone that will love you alot and that suit you the same

 

[spreadeagle]

Yes - 'forgive and forget' - though a handy cliche - does not accurately reflect the way that human beings operate. The need to forgive implies some transgession that has injured us. Forgiveness is fine, but if we were to forget what had happened we would leave ourselves open to being hurt in the same way again. It is only by recalling past experience and then changing our behaviour accordingly, that we can ever hope to attain a measure of maturity and a sense of progress. Otherwise we are condemned to endlessly repeating the same errors.

 

[Kulindahr]

It should be "Forgive and file (for future reference, as lesson learned)".