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- Thread starter BAMA32
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G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
In part, you seem to be making the right moves. But I don't think you're making them completely. You're putting some distance between you, and that's good. But you're actively sort of putting up a wall - ipod, sunglasses, and all that - but you still seem able to tell his reactions. You've told him nothing is going to happen, but you're taking note that his girlfriend is waiting outside. It's like you're driving by him, then glancing in the rearview mirror to see if he's watching.
You might try changing your approach somewhat. He's not going to go away for the foreseeable future, so stop pretending he doesn't exist. I'm not sure if you can pull this off, but you might give it a try, since the other isn't working so well. Go in to work, say hi if he you see him, but then get back to your work stuff. If you run into him, feel free to chat a bit the way you would any other co-worker, but stop all conversation after the 30-second mark, excuse yourself, and get back to whatever it is you're doing. If he wants to have lunch, or get together outside work, beg off.
The only things that really help you get over somebody are time, distance, and having other people to focus on. Time is out of your hands, and distance is out of the queston. That leaves other people. It doesn't mean you need to immediately find somebody to hop into bed with, but you might try opening your social calendar some more. Spend some more time with other friends, or make new ones. Don't just leave a hole in your life and expect yourself not to feel it.
Lex
You might try changing your approach somewhat. He's not going to go away for the foreseeable future, so stop pretending he doesn't exist. I'm not sure if you can pull this off, but you might give it a try, since the other isn't working so well. Go in to work, say hi if he you see him, but then get back to your work stuff. If you run into him, feel free to chat a bit the way you would any other co-worker, but stop all conversation after the 30-second mark, excuse yourself, and get back to whatever it is you're doing. If he wants to have lunch, or get together outside work, beg off.
The only things that really help you get over somebody are time, distance, and having other people to focus on. Time is out of your hands, and distance is out of the queston. That leaves other people. It doesn't mean you need to immediately find somebody to hop into bed with, but you might try opening your social calendar some more. Spend some more time with other friends, or make new ones. Don't just leave a hole in your life and expect yourself not to feel it.
Lex
First of all, right off the bat, you didn't exactly shit where you work. You have feelings for a man. You eventually told him and said you don't want to be around him because of those feelings. You did the right thing and he didn't respect your decision, not one bit.
It's him not caring for you liking him that is basically taking over your life. Congrats on graduating! You can't even focus on the positive thing because you're so caught up.
That however is your fault. You're not doing anything else besided obsessing over your feelings for him and trying to interpret everything he says to you as some action towards you. If he smiles at you in the morning, that is not flirting. Everyone that smiles at someone is not giving them a false signal. You're interpreting his moves as signals and you have got to re-think that as such.
I don't see you blog about finding actual gay men to date and admire. I don't see you blog about going out on the town, getting phone numbers, going on dates or anything. You're depriving yourself of living and blaming on one guy and saying, he's being nice to me and it's killing me. Why is he doing this? Why can't he just be mean to me so I can get over him. You see how that is back-asswards thinking? That's not how it works. YOU have to be proactive and not reactive to his actions.
I came out to one of my newer friends and basically told him I wanted him. He too said it happened before but he made it really clear that he isn't gay and doesn't want anything to do with it. But he likes me as a friend. You know what I do with it? I play with it. I ask him to send pictures of him in his shorts (and he does!) and I say one of these days you're gonna slip or one day we'll have a guy-girl-guy threesome. He says he admires my persistance. We have this cat and mouse game where I control the situation. Anytime he is nice to me, I don't look at it as him leading me on.
Another thing you have to realize is that some people are just nice. They're people pleasers. This guy, short of hitting you in the face every time he sees you is never going to give you want you want. You want him to essentually avoid you and have nothing to do with you. That is not going to happen. But why do I get the feeling that anything he does will be perceived by you as him not leaving you alone and him being too nice or spiting your feelings. That kind of thinking is flawed. You can't expect people to not be nice to you because you like them. Think about it.
Next, you over analyze the whole girlfriend thing. You can't put pieces of the puzzle together and say, we'll he said hi to me 4 times yesterday when he had a girlfriend, but today now that he's broken up he said hi to me 8 times. OMG that's twice as many times, why oh why God is he doing this to me.
That may be over dramatic. But that is what it sounds like. I actually don't hear much in the way of flirting. Does he touch you? Do you guys hang out after work? If you look at some of the posts in this section of the forum you see straight men actually cuddle with their closeted counterparts at night or drunk guys that feel them up. That is actual activity. Your stories are nothing like that.
Please, please, please read my words and take time to hear what I'm saying. It shouldn't be a problem because obviously you like to take conversations apart.
If I were you (and everyone is going to disagree) , I would actually move forward in order to move on. What you need is closure, but you're in limbo. But the only way you can get closure is by persuing him and failing.
All your stories are based upon the posibility of him liking you back. If that posibility didn't exist (like if he point blank shot you down) you wouldn't continue to like him. So get out of your current situation.
Hang out with the guy after work and see how far you can take it. Weird him out with your advances. When you do weird him out, he'll leave you alone. If he doesn't leave you alone and he isn't put off by it, take it further until he does. Become clingy. You already like him, and he's not doing anything to stop that, so persue him. Two things will happen, you'll either finally get closure or you will get to hook up with him.
And if you refuse to do that, you need to do more to date other men. If you're dating someone else, it won't matter how nice this guy is to you on a daily basis.
good luck man. my advice is unconventional, but some of the guys on here don't know what it's like to be irrationally attracted to straight men and even worse straight coworkers. I know what it's like cause I have been.
It's him not caring for you liking him that is basically taking over your life. Congrats on graduating! You can't even focus on the positive thing because you're so caught up.
That however is your fault. You're not doing anything else besided obsessing over your feelings for him and trying to interpret everything he says to you as some action towards you. If he smiles at you in the morning, that is not flirting. Everyone that smiles at someone is not giving them a false signal. You're interpreting his moves as signals and you have got to re-think that as such.
I don't see you blog about finding actual gay men to date and admire. I don't see you blog about going out on the town, getting phone numbers, going on dates or anything. You're depriving yourself of living and blaming on one guy and saying, he's being nice to me and it's killing me. Why is he doing this? Why can't he just be mean to me so I can get over him. You see how that is back-asswards thinking? That's not how it works. YOU have to be proactive and not reactive to his actions.
I came out to one of my newer friends and basically told him I wanted him. He too said it happened before but he made it really clear that he isn't gay and doesn't want anything to do with it. But he likes me as a friend. You know what I do with it? I play with it. I ask him to send pictures of him in his shorts (and he does!) and I say one of these days you're gonna slip or one day we'll have a guy-girl-guy threesome. He says he admires my persistance. We have this cat and mouse game where I control the situation. Anytime he is nice to me, I don't look at it as him leading me on.
Another thing you have to realize is that some people are just nice. They're people pleasers. This guy, short of hitting you in the face every time he sees you is never going to give you want you want. You want him to essentually avoid you and have nothing to do with you. That is not going to happen. But why do I get the feeling that anything he does will be perceived by you as him not leaving you alone and him being too nice or spiting your feelings. That kind of thinking is flawed. You can't expect people to not be nice to you because you like them. Think about it.
Next, you over analyze the whole girlfriend thing. You can't put pieces of the puzzle together and say, we'll he said hi to me 4 times yesterday when he had a girlfriend, but today now that he's broken up he said hi to me 8 times. OMG that's twice as many times, why oh why God is he doing this to me.
That may be over dramatic. But that is what it sounds like. I actually don't hear much in the way of flirting. Does he touch you? Do you guys hang out after work? If you look at some of the posts in this section of the forum you see straight men actually cuddle with their closeted counterparts at night or drunk guys that feel them up. That is actual activity. Your stories are nothing like that.
Please, please, please read my words and take time to hear what I'm saying. It shouldn't be a problem because obviously you like to take conversations apart.
If I were you (and everyone is going to disagree) , I would actually move forward in order to move on. What you need is closure, but you're in limbo. But the only way you can get closure is by persuing him and failing.
All your stories are based upon the posibility of him liking you back. If that posibility didn't exist (like if he point blank shot you down) you wouldn't continue to like him. So get out of your current situation.
Hang out with the guy after work and see how far you can take it. Weird him out with your advances. When you do weird him out, he'll leave you alone. If he doesn't leave you alone and he isn't put off by it, take it further until he does. Become clingy. You already like him, and he's not doing anything to stop that, so persue him. Two things will happen, you'll either finally get closure or you will get to hook up with him.
And if you refuse to do that, you need to do more to date other men. If you're dating someone else, it won't matter how nice this guy is to you on a daily basis.
good luck man. my advice is unconventional, but some of the guys on here don't know what it's like to be irrationally attracted to straight men and even worse straight coworkers. I know what it's like cause I have been.
Muscles4daze
Sex God
This me may be a little hard for you because you see him at work on a daily basis, but I agree with other posters, start interacting with other people and hopefully that will get your mind off of him. You can't control someone's actions, but you can control how you react to those actions. Do not allow that guy to have so much control over your life to the point your considering switching jobs.
DonSade
On the Prowl
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I'll just say one thing: Avoiding him helps nobody here. Silence is not setting a proper standard. He might think you're pissed at him about his new girlfriend, he might think you still have a crush on him and I do believe that if he's somehow trying to establish contact then he might be trying to tell you it's ok to be around him because he appreciates your company AS A FRIEND. I don't think he's done anything wrong to you. To be honest, quite the opposite. The fact that he still is "flirty" around you (although I would like more details to make a final judgment on the matter lol) after you declared yourself to him and set the ground rules just about tells me he doesn't care about it and appreaciates your friendship. In fact I know I might be going out on a limb here but if I told a friend of mine I had a crush on him and I only wanted to be friends I wouldn't want absolutely ANYTHING to change between us.
I did it once but my friend actually changed and made things worst after he said it was ok and that it didn't bother him (and he is gay...). We went through a really awkward phase where he would avoid me and give me bad looks but all of a sudden for a certain amount of days would actually be closer than before and would keep this weird on and off pattern. We remained intermittent friends until I heard him say I was disgusting at which point I decided to bury his ass forever and not bother with him again because I apologized for listening in one him (I was really confused and basically as spencer pointed out NEEDED to get shot down) and he completely disregarded my words as if I was this annoying creature he was trying to get rid of. He apologized a couple of months later, and offered to give me a blow job one night we drank, refused because I honestly didn't want anything to do with him. We worked together too and I got promoted to supervise him... it was awkward but let me tell you something from my experience: the days I spoke to him the tension was so much easier to cope with. So, we kept it professional after that. I went to his birthday and left him some stuff I got him in the past I didn't want and wanted to get rid of and 2 weeks later he came into my bed and started masturbating furiously one night and wanted to have sex with me (again I didn't do anything with him). And so things between us got even furtherly awkward to the point where now I ended up leaving the country in hopes of never running into him again (it's one of the reasons, not the mian one lol). It was ridiculously toxic and stupidly childish (this is one nasty recap I might add). I even ended up hooking up with his ex. Not out of spite but because it just happened lol. He hated my guts for it but really, we weren't friends anymore so I didn't owe him any allegiance.
In my case I never really had proper closure because he would refuse to say absolutely anything EVER... when I confronted him about the change in his behavior he would limit himself to saying it wasn't true but kept doing the same thing: avoid me and act as if I was invisible, when I confronted him about his sexual advances and feelings towards me he'd say he didn't want to talk about it or just plain ignore me... he was an asshole. You're luckily to have a friend that actually is going out of his way to let you know he's still very much interested in your friendship!
If I would've been lucky enough to have him continue acting the same way afterwards (because after all I WAS THE ONE WITH THE CRUSH, not him!) maybe we'd still be friends.
Moral of the story: get him to shoot you down and say he's just not interested in you. It works. You're taking things out of context from what I can gather. Just play along with it. You guys might become closer than you might think. You demonstrated him you trust him a lot by being honest about your feelings and he seems to appreciate it and may want to take the friendship to a deeper level. This is your problem really, not his! Cut him some slack and enjoy your friendship! He could end up being best friend material.
I did it once but my friend actually changed and made things worst after he said it was ok and that it didn't bother him (and he is gay...). We went through a really awkward phase where he would avoid me and give me bad looks but all of a sudden for a certain amount of days would actually be closer than before and would keep this weird on and off pattern. We remained intermittent friends until I heard him say I was disgusting at which point I decided to bury his ass forever and not bother with him again because I apologized for listening in one him (I was really confused and basically as spencer pointed out NEEDED to get shot down) and he completely disregarded my words as if I was this annoying creature he was trying to get rid of. He apologized a couple of months later, and offered to give me a blow job one night we drank, refused because I honestly didn't want anything to do with him. We worked together too and I got promoted to supervise him... it was awkward but let me tell you something from my experience: the days I spoke to him the tension was so much easier to cope with. So, we kept it professional after that. I went to his birthday and left him some stuff I got him in the past I didn't want and wanted to get rid of and 2 weeks later he came into my bed and started masturbating furiously one night and wanted to have sex with me (again I didn't do anything with him). And so things between us got even furtherly awkward to the point where now I ended up leaving the country in hopes of never running into him again (it's one of the reasons, not the mian one lol). It was ridiculously toxic and stupidly childish (this is one nasty recap I might add). I even ended up hooking up with his ex. Not out of spite but because it just happened lol. He hated my guts for it but really, we weren't friends anymore so I didn't owe him any allegiance.
In my case I never really had proper closure because he would refuse to say absolutely anything EVER... when I confronted him about the change in his behavior he would limit himself to saying it wasn't true but kept doing the same thing: avoid me and act as if I was invisible, when I confronted him about his sexual advances and feelings towards me he'd say he didn't want to talk about it or just plain ignore me... he was an asshole. You're luckily to have a friend that actually is going out of his way to let you know he's still very much interested in your friendship!
If I would've been lucky enough to have him continue acting the same way afterwards (because after all I WAS THE ONE WITH THE CRUSH, not him!) maybe we'd still be friends.
Moral of the story: get him to shoot you down and say he's just not interested in you. It works. You're taking things out of context from what I can gather. Just play along with it. You guys might become closer than you might think. You demonstrated him you trust him a lot by being honest about your feelings and he seems to appreciate it and may want to take the friendship to a deeper level. This is your problem really, not his! Cut him some slack and enjoy your friendship! He could end up being best friend material.
DonSade
On the Prowl
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You can either continue making this a big deal in your head or tough it out and let the feelings go away on their own. Its your choice. I'm pretty certain you'll be fine if you start focusing on other guys and treat him as a lost cause. If you stay in the "he won't stop flirting with me!" phase, you'll never get out of it. In fact, it's kind of obsessive.
nautiboyjeff
Slut
This is are really ironic posting. Normally the guys are on here looking for friends that are supportive that they can come out to and you are trying to ditch a friend. Just seems like this guy is really nice, super supportive and he seems to be your friend regardless of how you treat him.....sounds like a great friend.
Spencer had some good advice, in my opinion, next time he flirts, then you JUST HAVE TO BE YOURSELF - he is working with full knowledge now. The whole gf thing should be punted down the field until it's really an issue. And it is my opinion that if/when this ever comes up, you stop and ask him "what about you and so-and-so?" or if you want to bring it up now and he's flirting with you, say "what would so-and-so say if she saw you doing that?".
You are FREE - Be yourself - if the guy likes you, he likes you and I don't think you can ever have enough friends!
Spencer had some good advice, in my opinion, next time he flirts, then you JUST HAVE TO BE YOURSELF - he is working with full knowledge now. The whole gf thing should be punted down the field until it's really an issue. And it is my opinion that if/when this ever comes up, you stop and ask him "what about you and so-and-so?" or if you want to bring it up now and he's flirting with you, say "what would so-and-so say if she saw you doing that?".
You are FREE - Be yourself - if the guy likes you, he likes you and I don't think you can ever have enough friends!
All you got out of my post was, he has a girlfriends, so I'm going to continue to take everything he does is flirting with me.
Wow. Reread the parts about getting yourself out of limbo because in your subsequent posts everything you said just perpetuates that.
You didn't try hard enough. I think since you can't separate your brain from his existance you should ask him as a buddy to get a drink.
If he's flirting with you he should easily make time to have a drink with you right? If he says he's too busy or doesn't have time, is he really flirting with you?
So there's the first litmus test, go out and do it. And you're not stepping on her territory, yet cause it's just as friends. But like Jeff said, cross that bridge when you get to it because you're on the fast track to hell unless you can get past this.
And if you don't want to, I understand. But are you afraid he might say no, are you afraid he might say yes? He's already gonna be nice to you and supposedly flirt with you. But from what I've read, I haven't heard of any real flirting, just him being nice. If you don't do something further, you're going to still remain stuck.
Wow. Reread the parts about getting yourself out of limbo because in your subsequent posts everything you said just perpetuates that.
You didn't try hard enough. I think since you can't separate your brain from his existance you should ask him as a buddy to get a drink.
If he's flirting with you he should easily make time to have a drink with you right? If he says he's too busy or doesn't have time, is he really flirting with you?
So there's the first litmus test, go out and do it. And you're not stepping on her territory, yet cause it's just as friends. But like Jeff said, cross that bridge when you get to it because you're on the fast track to hell unless you can get past this.
And if you don't want to, I understand. But are you afraid he might say no, are you afraid he might say yes? He's already gonna be nice to you and supposedly flirt with you. But from what I've read, I haven't heard of any real flirting, just him being nice. If you don't do something further, you're going to still remain stuck.
Well there you go, you have you're answer and it sucks.
HE'S NOT INTO YOU!
If he were, he would be hanging out with you, he would be good friends with you and he especially wouldn't have a girlfriend.
Realize that he isn't flirting with you, he's just being nice because he doesn't see anything wrong with you, he just doesn't like you that way. Even if you proclaim your undying love for him, he's still not going to be mean to you and he won't have a reason to leave you alone because he has no problem with you liking him, he's just a cool guy.
Also realize that not only does he not feel the same way for you, he also doesn't even want to be a good friend. He doesn't even want to be close to you after work and that is the true test. Think about it. It's not confusing, the writing is on the wall and you're interpreting things wrongly with the big signs that he doesn't even want to hang out with you or become your good friend are all there, plain as day.
So you see, you're just going to have to find a guy who is available. Have you tried that?
HE'S NOT INTO YOU!
If he were, he would be hanging out with you, he would be good friends with you and he especially wouldn't have a girlfriend.
Realize that he isn't flirting with you, he's just being nice because he doesn't see anything wrong with you, he just doesn't like you that way. Even if you proclaim your undying love for him, he's still not going to be mean to you and he won't have a reason to leave you alone because he has no problem with you liking him, he's just a cool guy.
Also realize that not only does he not feel the same way for you, he also doesn't even want to be a good friend. He doesn't even want to be close to you after work and that is the true test. Think about it. It's not confusing, the writing is on the wall and you're interpreting things wrongly with the big signs that he doesn't even want to hang out with you or become your good friend are all there, plain as day.
So you see, you're just going to have to find a guy who is available. Have you tried that?
TX-Beau
FEAR THE LIBERAL DETENTE!
Jerry, what you're doing is mainlining drama. Worse, I fear it's pretty much just in your head. From what you've posted, I would very much doubt that this guy even thinks about you once he leaves work.
Do you want the drama? Because simply being indifferent to this guy is your solution, all you have to do is take it. Some people like to live in their drama. If that's you, so be it, and drama needs an audience, so these guys will go on and on about it. This is neither bad nor good, it's just people.
Whatever you feel, you are absolutely in control of what you do - theatrical attempts to ignore him and perpetuating contact are just supporting the drama. Don't talk to him, don't go out of your way to avoid him, if he says hi, say hi and walk on. If he tries to talk to you, take the first excuse to leave. Be polite, be calm, be indifferent. No matter what you "feel."
Do you want the drama? Because simply being indifferent to this guy is your solution, all you have to do is take it. Some people like to live in their drama. If that's you, so be it, and drama needs an audience, so these guys will go on and on about it. This is neither bad nor good, it's just people.
Whatever you feel, you are absolutely in control of what you do - theatrical attempts to ignore him and perpetuating contact are just supporting the drama. Don't talk to him, don't go out of your way to avoid him, if he says hi, say hi and walk on. If he tries to talk to you, take the first excuse to leave. Be polite, be calm, be indifferent. No matter what you "feel."
Oh Jerry, involved in this soo typical issue. Older posters said everything you need to know from someone else. Now comes your part.
You have to realize he's not into you. That's true. But I think you might feel a little pressured now. It's true that all of this is a bad luck drama, but I know that if you felt something for him, it might be not as easy as abc to get this irrational feelings out of yor head. My advice in this case is, take your time, relax and breathe, try to go out someday alone and reflect about this in a calm situaltion.
Don't push yourself to stop all of this like if you were a machine. Try to chill out with all your thoughts and feelings, try to get the anxiety out of you, and then feel free to act. I'm sure that this will work out even better if you act with your head cold and knowing what do you want in a solid way.
You have to realize he's not into you. That's true. But I think you might feel a little pressured now. It's true that all of this is a bad luck drama, but I know that if you felt something for him, it might be not as easy as abc to get this irrational feelings out of yor head. My advice in this case is, take your time, relax and breathe, try to go out someday alone and reflect about this in a calm situaltion.
Don't push yourself to stop all of this like if you were a machine. Try to chill out with all your thoughts and feelings, try to get the anxiety out of you, and then feel free to act. I'm sure that this will work out even better if you act with your head cold and knowing what do you want in a solid way.
I'm glad you posted and it sounds like you're moving on.
But you still have to realize that even if he talked to you that it wouldn't be flirting, not even close. And him looking at you doesn't mean he's staring either.
It isn't a matter of leaving you alone or not. You work at the same company.
You need to work on those issues.
But you still have to realize that even if he talked to you that it wouldn't be flirting, not even close. And him looking at you doesn't mean he's staring either.
It isn't a matter of leaving you alone or not. You work at the same company.
You need to work on those issues.
G-Lexington
Lex. Icon. Devil.
I'm assuming these "random chicks" work there, too?
Lex
Lex