Poly/ open relationship

[Luka]

So, I searched the forums but couldn't find a thread about polyamory or open relationships.

My boyfriend of a year and 5 months and I have open up our relationship and testing the waters to see if we may be some form of polamourous. Long story short it is his idea and i am trying to get into it, it gets better every day.

We set some rules and they change a lot, but I feel like he forgets them and always goes against them. Also, we keep going up and down with having sex with each other. Our communication is really good, he knows that I want/ need more sex with him.

We had a threesome with one of my fuck buddies, and he recently had some alone time with him and they had such a great time the fuck buddies bf is going to have sex with tony. So i am feeling a little inadequate right now. My bf is having amazing sex with others but I'm not really getting it now. Also, this may seem shallow or something, but I feel like he goes for people less attractive, which makes me feel like maybe i'm not very attractive to him.

Just wondering what advice others may have when they have explored this.

Thanks!

 

[Seasoned]

I think it's appropriate to define relationships any way you wish to as long as you're on the same page. It seems as though you are not. It was his idea. He changes the rules. Think about this carefully. Is it enhancing your life or detracting from it. Sex ought to be fun, but not everyone treats it the same. A person could be secure in how they treat it, or could question if their values are truly theirs or where they imposed upon them by societal convention. If you're both free spirits it's one thing, but sex addiction is real. Only you can decide if this is a good move for you.

Competition and jealousy can easily creep in. I think the guidelines ought to be in force and certainly not changed at one person's whim. From what you've written I get the impression that you are afraid the open relationship may be driving you apart rather than bringing you closer.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Ride it out and decide how you feel about it afterwards. Do you feel your boyfriend is better at hooking up than you? Does this bother you more than the fact he's enjoying yourself with other people?

 

[KaraBulut]

...Just wondering what advice others may have when they have explored this.

Part of being young is experimentation and finding what works for you (and what doesn't work for you).

There's somethings about your situation that are of concern. It's not solely about the rules. When someone that you're involved with makes an agreement or a commitment but then they break that agreement/commitment... well, that's a sign that should create doubt about whether this is the right relationship for you.

Bottom line? You could do better.

 

[TX-Beau]

Alrighty. There are a couple of things that you've said that are troubling. First is that you are "trying" to get into it, second is that he breaks the rules.

We decided to do this because he is away a lot, like two months out of three, and this will be the case for the foreseeable future, and we're both horny fucks. There are rules, and we don't break them, if they change - and they have - it's due to experience and we discuss it BEFORE we change it.

So many guys do this because they have other relationship problems and really just want out. You haven't been together for very long, you are ambivalent about doing this, and he has no respect for your boundaries. Those are red flags. I've known my guy since I was 19, we've gone through just about every variation of relationship from platonic to monogamous in the last twenty years or so, and I know with certainty he isn't going anywhere, even if he enjoys the odd twink or twenty, so I don't have to deal with the number one issue - insecurity.

You're already there. That's also a red flag. DO you really want to do this? Because if you're doing it for someone else, you will end your relationship. This is harder than monogamy, and if you aren't absolutely confident in him, and absolutely committed to the two of you, there will be problems, probably recrimination, and the death spiral of jealousy and resentment.

If he's always breaking the rules, he isn't serious about the two of you, and you need to sit down and seriously ask yourself if you're doing this solely to keep him, and if that is the case, is that a reasonable thing for you to be doing. Hurting yourself to keep a cheater isn't healthy.

A person who breaks the rules of your commitment habitually, is a cheater, open relationship or not.

 

[Ninja108]

The fact he is already ignoring the rules set should be a red flag for you.
All due respect, from what I'm reading, this is not a healthy relationship and opening it up won't save it.

 

[bankside]

So, I searched the forums but couldn't find a thread about polyamory or open relationships.

My boyfriend of a year and 5 months and I have open up our relationship and testing the waters to see if we may be some form of polamourous. Long story short it is his idea and i am trying to get into it, it gets better every day.

We set some rules and they change a lot, but I feel like he forgets them and always goes against them. Also, we keep going up and down with having sex with each other. Our communication is really good, he knows that I want/ need more sex with him.

We had a threesome with one of my fuck buddies, and he recently had some alone time with him and they had such a great time the fuck buddies bf is going to have sex with tony. So i am feeling a little inadequate right now. My bf is having amazing sex with others but I'm not really getting it now. Also, this may seem shallow or something, but I feel like he goes for people less attractive, which makes me feel like maybe i'm not very attractive to him.

Just wondering what advice others may have when they have explored this.

Thanks!

Not sure if you will find my advice helpful because my own experience is all monogamous, but here goes...

First, there is one thing I do know: don't judge what he finds attractive by your standards. If that's you in your picture, I think you're very attractive. Also, lots different things about you remind me of my guy. But I don't think my guy would find you as attractive as I do. It would be pointless to argue with him... he's entitled to his opinion. And I don't find my look as attractive as he does. Fortunately it works out for him and me because we are what each other is looking for.

So when you look at people he notices, you are by definition seeing people who are not necessarily going to turn you on based on your own tastes, you're seeing what turns him on. That shouldn't make you feel insecure about your look, it might just mean you each have a different variety of what turns you on.

Next, the whole poly thing: I get monogamy and I know monogamy, and I like monogamy, but I would definitely call myself poly-friendly.

I would be shitty at hook-ups. I like knowing the man I'm horny with. But polyamory still makes sense to me, because I always thought it was about the same kind of connection and loyalty that you get in a monogamous relationship, only with more than just one person.

Polyamory makes more sense to me than hook-ups with strangers, or guys who have had "relationships" with 30 or 40 men before they settle down, but they say they are "monogamous" because they did it one at a time. In my mind, if you have to go through that many, then just have an orgy and get it over with.

But what polyamory means to me is actually having relationships with people you know and trust, which can also become sexual. How I understand it, you'd be picking people that you want a deeper connection with. I thought the interesting thing of polyamory was to say that you can love more than one person. Everybody already knows you can fuck more than one person.

Is your guy looking for polyamory, or is he looking to play the singles hook-up scene while still being with you?