Polyamory?

[TNBliss81]

Just wondering if there are any Polyamourous guys here. I could use some experienced Poly guys to help me navigate some confusion.

 

[cgymike]

As long as money never enters the discussion.

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, my ex had a number of guys he had relationships with, but the only guy he ever had sex with was right toward the end, when he started shying away from our partnership due to various concerns. They were really more like unusually huggy mentoring relationships than anything, though. He'd help them financially sometimes, he would give any of them a place to stay if they needed it, we would go out and have a good time together, and it was pretty fun.

The way I remember it, though, if there are more than two partners involved, each one is going to have a different relationship. If you could say I was his "wife," they were "mistresses." They were generally very nice boys, and we got along pretty well. None of them were involved, though, for more than a year or two. My partner actively encouraged them to seek out long-term relationships with stable guys. When they would find someone, we'd take them out on dates together, we'd assist with moving, travel, the whole gamut.

Then again, I think that getting into serious romantic entanglements might have impaired our relationship. Right before we broke up, one guy started to move in, and he was okay at first with the idea of having three people involved. He freaked out pretty quickly though and bailed, and it was not long after that that my ex and I started talking about whether our somewhat proximity-impaired relationship was really going to continue working. When I started talking about getting moved in permanently and that became complicated, it seemed less and less like being together permanently was going to be realistic. The romance faded. Eventually, after our relationship had been entirely nominal for months, we ended up breaking it off. I went through the normal post-break-up depression and self-flagellation, got over it, and went back to business as usual. I still text him occasionally. He's doing great.

So the only thing I can tell you quite honestly works is for two permanently coupled guys to have a few casual partners. We weren't even having sex with most of those guys. Cuddling yes, dating yes, light petting and grooming pretty routinely, heavy petting occasionally. It's not that fucking them was out-of-the-question, but it just didn't happen. However, that might have had something to do with some of them being as young as 15 years old, so it would have been as illegal as hell anyway in those cases.

However, the guy I'm with now is so strait-laced that he would probably literally have a heart-attack or stroke if he found out I was so much as talking to another guy, so I don't think that all people are really compatible with polyamory. The irony is that he has two other guys who call him and talk to him for sometimes an hour each every night, and the one who calls up literally every night is sort of his ex. There is no romance between them, though, and my partner has really gotten to the point where he bitches about this guy more often than not. As he rants, I just sip my whiskey politely and nod.

"Yes, honey. You know I care about our buddy Jack too, honey. No, I don't think he's losing his mind, darling. Okay, honey. I understand, honey. Yes, I promise I'll handle him next time, honey. Dearie, you're getting out-of-breath; take a hit off your albuterol, would you?"

The other one calls somewhat less often. The funny thing is, anytime I have ever been in a relationship, I haven't had so much as a thought about another guy. I'm too introverted to do a lot of screwing around, honestly. It's not that I am against it as a matter of principle, but I just don't have the inclination.

 

[Durango95]

Huh? If you're a gay guy, you are indeed poly-amorous. Despite the idiocy of trying to force gay people into the molds of the straight world, i.e. marriage, the fact remains we as gay people are not confined by such outmoded notions. It has been my experience that monogamy is completely incompatible with a being gay male. I don't know about lesbians. I am not one nor do I associate with any in socially intimate way.

I agree with the money comment above. I find that the intermingling of funds for gay men, whether they be boyfriend or partner or whatever, is most unwise.

 

[TNBliss81]

well me and my husband of 6 years have a joint checking account. We did that pretty early on in the relationship and it has been very good for us. No issues at all. It def simplified things

 

[Brian Smith]

Okay, so you've been in a relationship for 6 years already? My opinion is that, if you are both on-board with it, the main thing I would recommend, based on my experience, is to keep roles clearly defined, "playmates" and "lifemate," focus-in on the fact that "lifemate" is spoken of in the singular. A lot of straight couples engage in a practice called "swinging," and it's generally considered, among psychiatrists, to be beneficial. At one time, it was considered to be normal for a husband to have several "mistresses" in addition to his "wife." I don't think there is anything wrong with fucking around casually if you are in a secure relationship.

However, I really do think that trying to do a three-person "lifemate" arrangement had a negative impact on my last relationship. It never damaged us at all that he had a few boys he played with, but it just got really weird when we started talking about bringing a third person into the center of the relationship.

Once again, I am strongly of the opinion that some people and some couples are just inherently NOT compatible with it, by the way. I have to stress that very urgently. It's a very individualistic thing.

 

[Brian Smith]

Durango, I really think that monogamy either comes naturally to a couple, or it doesn't. My partner and I just don't have any inclination to venture outside of our relationship with each other for sex. It's not that I'm "morally" against it, but the last thing I need is more sex than I'm getting at home. We're at it three times a day, for crying out loud. More importantly, though, both of us are really just...not the kinds of people who tend to be polyamorous.

On the other hand, I think there are a lot of straight people who just aren't cut out for monogamy. I really think that society ought to be more accepting toward them, too. I don't think that spouses ought to go through life feeling ashamed if they have occasionally had an extra-marital fling. I think it's perfectly acceptable, and it really annoys me when the media makes a big scene over it. It's just not natural for everyone to be monogamous. I think it's normal for there to be Bill Clintons out there, and I think they are just as good as anybody who tends to stick to one partner throughout their lifetime.

I just see monogamy as a trait, and it's not a trait that I think everyone has. I think it's more the exception than the rule. However, if you do have the trait, I can testify from experience that you are really kind of stuck with it, no matter how "open-minded" you are. I was very accepting over my ex's playmates, but I just could not get interested in playing around. I could not even become aroused at the idea of being with someone other than him. I don't think it makes me special, though. It just makes me different, kind of like how being gay makes me different.

 

[Rolyo85]

I wish to remind everyone that this forum isn't the place for people to share and argue about their ideology. It's a place to help people coming here for advice.

 

[MindBlast]

So, in light of the original post, what exactly IS the confusion you're having?