Porn on boyfriends computer.. recent :-(

[billy118]

I don't know how to react to this

There was porn on my boyfriends computer, and he has been watching it recently. It wouldn't bother me, IF it didn't affect our sexual relationship, however.. recently he just isn't horny.. and I almost have an instinct when he has recently masturbated...

I don't know what to think

I feel really quite upset tbh, and betrayed because he said point blank he didnt!!

What would you guys do? or think
[ It seems he has a subscription to a certain site!! which is even worse !]

 

[belamy]

Maybe he discovered you are a JUBber yourself and didn´t want to feel weird by being your partner and not watching porn.

 

[herenthere]

A tough one...

Allow yourself to deal with your emotions, without blowing it out of perportion or reading something that is not there.

Go out for a quit dinner and just voice your concerns, in a manner that he will not feel the need to be defensive.

Good luck, there may be an explanation that he will be glad to be honest about.

 

[billy118]

Since being with him i havent visited this site really at all and never for porn!!

Problem is that he is so overly defensive when i bring it up, to the point of almost breaking up with me.. and it's the lying point blank to my face i dont like.

I even say, look i dont mind if you go on porn, but as long as it doesnt interefere with our relationship, and all he says is. " i dont, i never have - blablabl" and then makes me feel bad and guilty for even saying it!!

I really feel like hes cheated on me in some ways, i dont know why.. but i know that he doesnt want sex sometimes with me BECAUSE he has had a wank, or at least i think that.,

And I have, NEVER turned it down for him.. ..............

 

[wundersteve]

How long have you been together? I was a little sensitive about porn very early in our relationship but that passed soon. I enjoy porn too much to give it up so I couldn't exactly hold it against my partner for liking it also. It's not like infidelity.

 

[belamy]

Well, if "watching porn" means to you "he´s cheating on me" I wouldn´t find strange that he denies.it.

 

[billy118]

6 months.... and he is 21. im 20.

But this early on, it shouldnt be so "dry".. we do it once every3-4 days if that, it's not enough for me and if he is jerking off every day or so, the idea just makes me feel sad

 

[sixthson]

Why not look at porn together? Could be lots of fun!!

As with any thing involving your relationship, you need to communicate.
If he is defensive, just tell him you are not angry, but need to understand what's going on with him. It could be nothing, it could be something.
Was porn a big part of his life before you? I do understand feeling cheated on if he is choosing porn over you.

Just relax and don't panic. You are both very young. This may just be part of growing up together. You need to learn to be playful with each other and not so serious.

Let us know how it goes.

Now, talk, talk, talk.

 

[Swellegant]

Porn is not cheating; masturbating is not cheating. These are not the problem.

What raises a red flag for me is that he doesn't seem to want to have sex with you and is masturbating to porn instead... porn and masturbating are not a problem if it's as well as sex with your partner. At you boys' age, masturbating once a day doesn't make you incapable of having some more sex that same day. I mean, I could still manage three or four orgasms a day up into my thirties. I still can if properly stimulated (or unmedicated).

And that's a serious problem. I have no specific advice for you except to keep the talk focused on your sex-life (and by your, I mean both-of-your, votre, plural, together), not his masturbatory habits. I mean, the problem is between you, it's not just his. Like I said, the problem isn't that he's masturbating to porn and you're not, the problem is that he doesn't want to have sex and you do. Focus on the real issue and what's behind it, and be prepared to end the relationship if it can't be repaired to your (ton, singular) satisfaction.

 

[billy118]

He is very uncomfortable talking about things like that. So when I did bring it up, and even admitted I loved porn, he was like, " I don't really go on it, and didn't really"

I would much him rather just sya he does and to get over it and that it wont affect our relationship, than to deny it, and go to lengths to hide when he does it! like being unresponsive, or occasionally locking his door and not letting me in when I suprise visit him..

We have watched porn together and I know it turns him on

 

[billy118]

Oh and him deleting his history and stuff daily, doesnt help my over analysing and sometimes jealous personality...

I try to explain this to him, and he goes even more lengths to hide stuff and be sly, because he thinks that if im going to ask him about it, then it gives him a right to do it!

But thats the problem, I only ask...I don't have a go or anything

thanks for your support guys, dont know what to do...

 

[gotdimples77]

well I would try to convince him that he should watch porn with you. I know for me its easier to get off with porn than with someone else...I'm not worying that I am taking too long to get off, or look fat, or my legs hurt, or the bed is squeeking too much, whatever- just a nice cuddly wank with a friend lol. My guess is that it is something like this that is bothering him. something stupid. On the other hand if you are really wigged out about it and he isnt talking maybe you do need to move on. Maybe rather than asking him why he is looking at porn you need to ask him why he isnt having as much sex with you as you used to have. Maybe he is just really stressed about work and just wants to get off without having to make sure you are taken care of (sounds selfish I know but when things get rough one more thing is a big deal)

 

[star-warrior]

He may even have another underlying male problem. He may have erectile dysfunction - that is, he can't get it up, can't maintain a stiffy, can't get hard, no woody, cannot maintain an erection, blah blah, blah.

If it is that, he would be embarassed. Lots of young men have this problem, and they just keep it to themselves. He may have blood pressure problems related to it, or even just a low libido/sex drive.

The other possibility you may have thought about. He's no longer in love with you. Any which way, you will have to work it out together.

 

[arieliam]

I have to agree with the seeming majority here, there has to be discussion but more about the relationship itself and where you each see it going. Not an easy topic to bring up. But there is both lack of interest and deception, neither one are healthy for an ongoing relationship. Really wish my response wasn't so cut and dried.

 

[thewiz]

Hey Billy,

I would agree with what has been written earlier. Watching porn is not the underlying problem; the fact that he has substituted an intimate relationship with you for something he is watching on the screen is the problem. Having been in a loveless married relationship for years, I found that I could watch gay porn and transport myself into that situation and masturbated frequently.

At your ages, even if he does watch porn and masturbates, I would think he would still be attracted and hot for you when you cuddle in bed at night (hell, I'm older than you both and I find I do multiple times!) The fact that he is going to lengths to remove any "evidence" indicates other problems. Lying to you makes it even worse. All couples go through dry spells; it takes work to make a relationship. However, after six months, even married, I was still getting off two or three times a day!

Try to talk to him and share how you feel. I would think sex more than every three or four days is not normal for men your ages. Maybe he has other pressures or stress which can influence how a person reacts sexually. I know when I first started watching gay porn it was because I was so unfulfilled and hungry for a man; I know that I also used it to relax and reduce the stress I was putting myself under.

I hope things work out.....

 

[mike_n_herrin]

maybe he just feels very uncomfortable admitting he likes porn? which really shouldn't be an issue, except you think it's messing up your sex life. But i'm wondering...are you looking through his computer's history looking for this sort of stuff? if you are then it's no wonder he's deleting it. i live alone, but have my history set at zero days. so it could appear i'm hiding something, except i'd be hiding it from my cat if i were.

i personally would let the porn thing go and not "snoop"...if you are that is. i wouldn't mention the porn thing again, but you probably should talk about your sex life with him, but stay away from blaming it on porn. I doubt that's the reason. a 21 year old is likely to watch a lot of porn, wank all day, and still want sex later that night. So i think something else must be the cause in this case.

 

[Smitho]

The looking at porn, I would not worry about, I look at porn, so does me BF and sometimes we look together, trying to find handsome guys, but we have different taste, so rarely agree.

However, if he lieing about it, and lieing to you, that would worry me a bit, but I think this is only a syptom, I think you have to look deeper into the relationship to find the problem and then talk (calmly) about it to each other.

 

[Leidian]

Is it more than just your unhappiness with sexual frequency? Agree or not, some people put porn in the category of addictions. Is it just that he isn't having sex with you, or is it affecting how often you see him, how often he leaves the house, how willing he is to simply have a conversation with you (when not confronting him on porn)? If there is a lot more to it then maybe it is really an issue. I don't know how to solve that issue, but at least you would know it isn't you personally.

If it isn't a bigger issue than the sex, then I think you should tell him straight out that it is about sex. "I know you look at porn, and that's fine with me. We don't need to debate whether or not you should. However, I feel that maybe you don't have as much desire for me because you are already satisfied with the porn." Then discuss. I agree with Robert~Marlene though, you have to be prepared for a tragic ending

 

[SD-Local]

billy118 - Breathe... just Breathe...


Big hug to you!