Pretty bad depression

[JB3]

Bear with me, this is a long post...

For the last few months I've been battling some pretty severe depression. It started in November/December while I was student teaching, due to some heavy stress. Long story short about that; things did not go well during my last eight weeks, and that sent me spiraling into self-doubt over everything having to do with teaching, etc..

Shortly after I finished student teaching, me and my boyfriend of a year broke up. That accelerated the depression big time. (Sidebar: We broke up last August for about a month, and we got into a huge fight that elicited thoughts of suicide in me) I was essentially a complete wreck from January until March. No motivation, no energy, no drive to do anything. The occasional suicidal thought did creep in there, but I was busy enough with work that most of those thoughts were subsumed with stress from work.

Then it got better. Things were improving, and I let go of a lot of the resentment, anger, and sadness I had over the break up. I wasn't 100%, but I was better than I had been for a long time.

But here I am again, battling some pretty heavy things. I feel stuck. I'm looking for full-time teaching jobs so that I can move out of my parent's house and start being a 'real' adult. Not having that job means that I can't afford to live on my own, replace my aging car, or have any self-sufficiency at all. On top of that, I've had some bad luck meeting nice guys, I don't have any real friends to speak of, and I have ex issues. The friends thing is the biggest deal; I feel totally isolated most of the time, which makes everything a lot worse.

I feel alone and lost. I'm afraid for the future, and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle that I don't have the strength to fight anymore. Suicidal thoughts have increased lately as well. The other day I was driving on the highway and wondered what it would feel like to hit a concrete bridge support going 80 mph. Thoughts like that have been creeping in off and on. I don't think I would ever act on them, but it scares me that I'm having them at all. My ex asked me over the weekend why I was afraid of the future; the only answer I could give was that I was afraid that, when I went off on my own, one day I would just disappear, never to be heard from again.

I'm at a loss what to do. What I wrote above I've never admitted to anyone. I feel my life sliding in the wrong direction, and no matter how much I try to claw back, I keep sinking further. I'm really scared for the future, and what's going to happen when I reach my breaking point.

 

[kallipolis]

^Many people experience periods when they lose confidence in their ability to cope with, and transcend the daily trials, and tribulations that beset those whose perspective is rather pessimistic.

When we believe that we have exhausted our patience, and wherewithal to cope with our trials there is a real need to discuss our matters with a person who can be a good listener, and offer wise advice based upon his own life's journey.

That you are still speaking with your ex BF might well encourage you to spend a little more time with him discussing those matters that are troubling you so much.

Should you feel cornered in then it might well be advisable to approach your physician and ask him to prescribe an SSRI, for a limited period while also seeking professional clinical advice that can more ably help you address those matters that are creating your depression.

 

[JB3]

^Many people experience periods when they lose confidence in their ability to cope with, and transcend the daily trials, and tribulations that beset those whose perspective is rather pessimistic.

When we believe that we have exhausted our patience, and wherewithal to cope with our trials there is a real need to discuss our matters with a person who can be a good listener, and offer wise advice based upon his own life's journey.

That you are still speaking with your ex BF might well encourage you to spend a little more time with him discussing those matters that are troubling you so much.

Should you feel cornered in then it might well be advisable to approach your physician and ask him to prescribe an SSRI, for a limited period while also seeking professional clinical advice that can more ably help you address those matters that are creating your depression.

Talking with my ex is a no go. Although he is generally good to talk to about these things, he's got a new boyfriend and he's been extremely insensitive about not sharing too much information with me. Granted, he's in a new relationship and I want to be there to talk to him about it, but I don't need to know how good the guy is in bed, or how amazing he is. No matter what we're talking about, lately the conversation always veers towards that.

If I try, I'll say something to him about it that I'll regret, so I've been avoiding it. That's also making the isolation worse. He's always busy with his new guy so we can't really talk (I'm not expecting it to be different, he is in a new relationship after all), and anyone else that I would talk to are all in the same boat. So I'm lonely. And isolated.

 

[evanrick]

have you been crying for no reason? do you have negative physical symptoms? are you losing weight or gaining weight? do you have trouble sleeping or oversleep?

 

[JB3]

have you been crying for no reason? do you have negative physical symptoms? are you losing weight or gaining weight? do you have trouble sleeping or oversleep?

No to the crying. I've lost about 10 pounds over the last month for no reason. And yes, lots of sleeping issues. My pattern has gotten to be staying up until 4 am, then sleeping until 2 or 3 when I don't work. When I do work (especially in the morning) I'll still be up that late, get 4ish hours of sleep, and then be up until 4 am again.

 

[JB3]

Just to add something;

I just found out a friend of mine that I've been talking to for a year or so tried to commit suicide in January. Thankfully despite actually going through with the attempt, he survived. He's been in rehab dealing with the issues and just got out the other day. Since then he and I have been talking pretty extensively about everything, and he's been there whenever I've been getting depressed. It was a shock to hear about him, but it might have been the warning that I needed.

I'm not going to lie and say that everything's fine, because I'm still pretty badly depressed, but having someone there that's been through this exact thing is what I needed.

On a side note; I'm becoming pretty convinced that I may actually be manic-depressive. (otherwise known as being bi-polar) On Sunday I was really manic at work; in a generally good mood, over the top, just a little bit too happy. Then when I got home, it was like someone flipped a switch and I got really down and depressed. I actually thought this a while ago, but haven't quite worked up the courage to discuss it with my parents.

 

[wanderer]

there was the mention of the "brief" use of an SSRI. i should tell you the mechanisms of these types of medications will take approximately 4-6 weeks to even begin to start working effectivtly, and then there will be some necessary dose increases to get you to target dose. what people do not realize is that taking antidepressants does not remove the actual stressors in your life causing you the depression. you must work through, rather, power through these issues you are having. pills will not bring your relationship back or get you the job you have been wanting, and you will also be experiencing side effects from day 1.

i would think about yourself, and begin counting up all of your accomplishments thus far. you have done a good job with school, you are completing your education and getting ready to move on and move out of the house, this is a big step where many students have difficutly doing so. there is also a poor job market in all fields due to the economy, and you should not be to blame for finding it hard to get hte job. this could be an opportunity to get some additional education as well.

relationships breaking up are always difficult, and all the feelings you have are normal. i too have also contemplated "you know, if somebody hits me, and i die, i guess i wont really mind", but it was a bad time in my life couple years ago. it was coninciding with me loosing my way. i was not sure what my next steps in school would be, and just my overal plan in life, in general, was clouded. my best friend was neglecting me and i ended up relying on his girlfriend for help to just talk to. talking and just laying out all my problems, i even shed some tears owing up to it all, and it was amazing what release it was to have somebody to talk to. are you able to talk to anybody about the problems you are having? (im not talking about the passive suicidal thoughts, but the dificulties in general). it is a good start. you should also take some time away from what you are doing, see some movies, go to a park, etc. this helps you take a step back, reassess, see you are actally in a better place than you are, and then able to attack the problems after your deliberations.

also, if you are feeling depressed, it could be feeding from being up late at night, or having improper sleep hygeine. people should not be taking long naps during the day, take only short naps, and not in your bedroom. also do not be reading in bed or surfing internet, it is training your mind not to sleep while i bed. also, do not eat heavy meals going to bed, and try to get on a regular schedule to reverse any patterns of bad sleep/bad day/bad sleep.

many poeple encounter problems like these, they are not easy, but you should feel confident it will pass as things begin to pan out. i do recommend reducing your visits with your ex, he is clearly not acting in your best interest.

i have experience with the medications as a medical professional and working in a psych department so this is why im able to offer my assistance to that regard. let me know if you have any more questions, and hang in there.

 

[evanrick]

No to the crying. I've lost about 10 pounds over the last month for no reason. And yes, lots of sleeping issues. My pattern has gotten to be staying up until 4 am, then sleeping until 2 or 3 when I don't work. When I do work (especially in the morning) I'll still be up that late, get 4ish hours of sleep, and then be up until 4 am again.

ok so you have problems with sleep, is that interfering with your daily life? also, have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed?

 

[rareboy]

Counselling. Now.

And something to help you sleep.

Your stress is overtaking you and you need to have some peace to help you adjust to the changes in your life.

The first mention of suicidal thoughts indicates that you are in too deep.

You need someone to listen to you. And that should be an impartial person.

Get going.

You're smarter, better looking and a better person than you may think at the moment. You just need someone else to help you see this.

Oh. And you need to find a group to work with to help others and get you outside of yourself a bit too.

Keep us posted.

 

[JB3]

ok so you have problems with sleep, is that interfering with your daily life? also, have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed?

Check and check.

 

[JB3]

Counselling. Now.

And something to help you sleep.

Your stress is overtaking you and you need to have some peace to help you adjust to the changes in your life.

The first mention of suicidal thoughts indicates that you are in too deep.

You need someone to listen to you. And that should be an impartial person.

Get going.

You're smarter, better looking and a better person than you may think at the moment. You just need someone else to help you see this.

Oh. And you need to find a group to work with to help others and get you outside of yourself a bit too.

Keep us posted.

The biggest thing I've been missing is that person to talk to. I talk to my ex, but he doesn't really get it. I told him that I was about a minute away from attempting suicide and all he said was 'you'll be fine. It'll be okay' and that was it. Maybe I was expecting too much out of him, but I didn't feel like anything I told him to try and get some of these things off my chest really got across.

That friend I told you about has helped a lot. Any time I'm having issues I can send him a message and he'll talk me through it. Even though our specific issues might be different, he knows what I'm going through and knows what I need to hear to pull me out of it. Its also helped that I've been pretty busy the last few days, so my mind has been focused on other things.

So, baby steps. I still am going to seek out a professional to talk to though. Some of the issues I have are more deep-seated than just this whole situation.

 

[bankside]

Two things:

I'm not a doctor but from what I understand about the way depression can work, depression seems to be taking options away from you and constraining your perspective.

You probably know, but it is worth repeating, that this isn't a character flaw or something you're just supposed to shake off with "you'll be fine, everything will be okay." That was maybe the best advice your ex knew how to offer, but I think it's like looking at someone with a broken ankle and saying "You'll be fine, just walk it off.."

If you tried to walk off a broken ankle, you'd probably feel just as exhausted and just as much in pain as trying to just shake off the emotional injury of depression by yourself. I think you should ask your doctor for medical options that can take some of the burden off having to do this all yourself.

The second thing has to do with the uncertainty in your life. I believe you when you say you're reacting to the things in your life that are still unfinished, still not nailed down. It's a pain in the ass. If you woke up tomorrow with the job, the car, the place of your own, parental thumbs up for the choices you make in life, how much of a relief would that be?

You know your plans for the future are not a fantasy or a mirage, yet it will take ups and downs to get there. I've felt the anguish of uncertainty, before those things lined up in my life. At one point I decided if it all fell apart, I needed to plan a better way to fail than driving into a concrete bridge. There are plenty of options. One way ticket to some other country. Tent in the woods. Asylum. Standing in the middle of Trafalgar Square in London screaming about the price of apples. I dunno. But I do know if I can't succeed, I have a plan to fail utterly and completely at pretty much everything in my life while still living through the day.

Anyway, that's my thought on the matter. Take care.

 

[Callum]

I started seeing a therapist earlier in the year after I just randomly came out as gay to my doctor. It was a spontaneous decision. I just had to tell someone. So I did. And once I told him, everything just snowballed. I didn't stop talking until I said everything I had ever wanted to say about my mental health. Talking to a complete stranger is just wonderful. You don't have to opt for medication (I did). So just seek professional help...you go to shrinks because you want to change, not because you're forced to.

 

[TNniceguy]

We have some things in common with intense depression. I was running out of options and needed someone comfortable to talk with. After some searching, I found a therapist that dealt with LGBT issues. As it turns out, he is gay too. It is such a relief to spill your guts with a stranger that won't judge you and will offer you options.

I know this sounds goofy but my sounding board is my cat. He listens patiently, doesn't judge and loves me no matter what I tell him.

Long story short, people are out there that can help you and there are options. Take that important step to be honest with yourself that you need help coping. There is no shame to it.

 

[JB3]

Oddly enough, I've been sort of drifting away from my ex the last few days. He's been really busy and so have I, so we haven't talked a lot.

And I actually feel a lot better.

 

[JB3]

Paxil quite literally saved my life. I know it's not right for everyone, but for $12/month, I no longer wake up each day wondering how horribly wrong the day will go.

Minor and transitory side effect...for a few months, it was difficult to achieve orgasm. That passed, mercifully!

All good things, my brother!

Already on Paxil for my ADHD.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Already on Paxil for my ADHD.

Well, when you check in with your Doc let him know about this too.

Sometimes certain meds can have the opposite affect of what their intended for.

My ex was prescribed Ritalin for his ADHD and it gave him horrific nightmares.

Some of those nightmares left him traumatized for days.

"Talk Therapy" is good. It really helped me get through some major losses in my life. And usually you can find someone is willing to accept payment through a "sliding scale" based upon income.

When you find a therapist that you're comfortable with, go into therapy with a goal. Something that you can aim for; feeling better about your situation, making sense of it all, learning how to deal with and to cope with certain situations.

I'm not a big "a better life through chemistry" type of person.

Though it admittedly sometimes helps, but only as a temporary measure.

I've seen my "dark place," and I too have thought about driving my truck into a concrete pylon.

Fortunately those days are behind me now.

As someone who's been there, I hope that you can find the help that you need. There is a way out, and it's different for everyone.

 

[JB3]

Well, when you check in with your Doc let him know about this too.

Sometimes certain meds can have the opposite affect of what their intended for.

My ex was prescribed Ritalin for his ADHD and it gave him horrific nightmares.

Some of those nightmares left him traumatized for days.

"Talk Therapy" is good. It really helped me get through some major losses in my life. And usually you can find someone is willing to accept payment through a "sliding scale" based upon income.

When you find a therapist that you're comfortable with, go into therapy with a goal. Something that you can aim for; feeling better about your situation, making sense of it all, learning how to deal with and to cope with certain situations.

I'm not a big "a better life through chemistry" type of person.

Though it admittedly sometimes helps, but only as a temporary measure.

I've seen my "dark place," and I too have thought about driving my truck into a concrete pylon.

Fortunately those days are behind me now.

As someone who's been there, I hope that you can find the help that you need. There is a way out, and it's different for everyone.

Thank you for the kind words Centex, I appreciate it. Next check up I'll be talking to my doctor to see what he thinks.

Speaking of nightmares, I've been having those too. Had an awful one the other night.

 

[JB3]

Tonight was not a good night.

My ex and I were talking, and he invited me to a saxophone recital he was in. Because I had already told him I was bored and had nothing to do, I had to go. He swore his boyfriend wouldn't be there, and that he was happy I could go since I'd never heard him play.

Well, I got there, and it turns out his boyfriend had decided to go. My ex texted me and said that he wanted me to sit by him, and I started freaking out. I told him I couldn't find him, etc. I also started panicking, because I am in no place to meet the guy, and I was not at all mentally prepared for that. So for the entire concert I was freaking out and in total melt-down mode.

Afterward I ran into the bathroom, then came out, and ended up just shaking the guys hand. It was awkward, and I was shaking the entire time. I don't think I made any sort of eye contact with him at all.

For that entire concert I was in a dark place. Same with the drive home. Definitely a setback.

 

[looseliam]

It may be best for you to sever contact with him - you don't need to put yourself through this.

Some days will be worse than others. Generally, though, it will get better over time.

Go ahead with counselling. It can make a world's difference.

I've always an ear if you feel the need to bend it.



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congrats on 5000 posts!