Problem w/ my mother: I can't go out freely!

[rareboy]

Sounds like someone can't let go of mummy.....and mummy can't let go of her little boy.

Why don't you just bring your tricks home and fuck them in the living room? Then she'll know where you are and what you're doing and you won't have to lie to her anymore.

 

[Riverrick]

I see a major problem with boundaries here.

Both you and your mother need better ones. You are lying to her because she is asking for too much information and you are unable to stop her from doing so. I understand that she is concerned, etc but enough is enough. You are entitled to your privacy when you go out just as you are entitled to lock your bedroom door when you are home.

It sounds like she is very enmeshed in your life and has been for some time. She is going to resist giving that up so you're going to have to be consistent in telling her what is her business and what isn't.

Just say Mom, who I'm going out with is private and I don't want to share that with you. If I ever get serious with someone, then I'll bring them home to meet you. Otherwise I'm a 20 year old man who is dating and you don't need to know the particulars.

And then do that over and over and over again. Until she gets used to it. Good luck!

 

[RicanDAB]

^^^ This is fine advice. I was in the middle of my own post and glad I refreshed because it sums up what I was going to add. But I also wanted to say in Shystud's defense that he may not be in a position to move out as easily as some of us can here in the United States. I hesitate to pass judgement on that matter when I am not familiar with a cultural difference that may make it more complicated than it appears.

 

[backpacker]

First, you are lucky to have such a caring mother, but you already know that. Now you have to work on setting some boundaries. The answer is very simple. When she asks where you're going, tell her "out". When continues with her questions just say in a very nice tone, "Don't you think I would have told you if I wanted you to know?" You can add, "Don't worry, I'm not a little boy anymore." At your age, it's OK not to answer every question that she asks.

 

[thephoenix]

I'm not a clubbing type person so I've never been one to be out all night long so I may lack some perspective. But I believe if you are living or staying with someone who supports you (especially someone who will wait up regardless) the least you can do is show up at a reasonable hour or tell them in advance that you are staying overnight somewhere.

You've got to consider your part in all this too. Sure your mom is a little overprotective (most moms are) but it sounds like you want to come and go and disappear and not answer to anyone. When you're living with parents that doesn't cut it. You are entitled to privacy of a sorts, but again, living with parents your privacy is limited when compared to someone who lives alone. At the very least you owe your mother a basic idea of where you're going and when you'll be back (and if you're going to be late, a phone call). You can't just stay out to 5 a.m. because you "decide to."

You do not owe her a break down of who you're with, what you're doing, and update phone calls on the hour.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm gonna side with rareboy on this one.

On two occasions, I had to move back with my parents for short periods of time. In each case, I was aware that there was a payoff. Yes, I'd have shelter, food, etc. But I had to live by their rules. I had to help with the housework, I'd have to let them know where I was going and when I'd be home, etc etc. I had no problem living by those rules when I was there, and I was happy when I could afford to move on and live elsewhere and live by my own rules later.

You appear to want the benefits of living with your parents, without any of the drawbacks. Sorry - that don't happen.

Lex

 

[3nipples]

shystud86, why don't you take a while and read through some of the horror stories of coming out?

You should consider yourself lucky that you're not living on the street and have no one looking out for you, 'cause that happens - way to often!

I imagine there is a huge number of young people who envy your position.

So, my advice to you is: suck it up, be honest with you mother and be thankful you have someone who accpets and cares about you.

Good luck.

Swiss parents have a legal obligation to financially support their children through the highest level of schooling that they are able to achieve. Kicking your kids out of the house isn't an option.

It would be highly unusual for Shy to move out of the house as he has already stated. He would certainly be criticized by everyone he knows and some he doesn't know (like me).

What he needs to do is establish clear boundaries as Riverrick has already suggested. La mamma needs to learn that her ragazzino is growing up.

 

[new86]

You've got to consider your part in all this too. Sure your mom is a little overprotective (most moms are) but it sounds like you want to come and go and disappear and not answer to anyone. When you're living with parents that doesn't cut it. You are entitled to privacy of a sorts, but again, living with parents your privacy is limited when compared to someone who lives alone. At the very least you owe your mother a basic idea of where you're going and when you'll be back (and if you're going to be late, a phone call). You can't just stay out to 5 a.m. because you "decide to."

No, no, no!
I don't wanna come and go when I want.
I always tell her where I go, with whom, I NEVER CAME HOME AFTER 1 o' clock. I just lied to make her feel i was safe and avoiding the fights i have if I tell i go out with someone she doesn't know.
I never spend a night out of home. I never came home drunk because I never drink alcohol (not because i'm an angel, but because I don't like beer or wine. I appreciate Baylies' but i have stomach ache when I drink any alcohol, so I let it go. It is not interesting for me drinking alcohol)

Rican wrote:
But I also wanted to say in Shystud's defense that he may not be in a position to move out as easily as some of us can here in the United States. I hesitate to pass judgement on that matter when I am not familiar with a cultural difference that may make it more complicated than it appears.

Thanks a lot! It is not common here for young guys go out of home. They move around for university, but they are still in strong contact with their parents. As i told before, or you decide to study a "work" (i.e. mechanic, cook...) you can, at 18, have a job. If you find it. If you make a school that leads to university, as I did (I wanna be an architect) you obtain a "maturity certificate" that gives you access to university, but no one gives aou a job. Yeah, you can wait tables at mcdonald's for a some weeks during the holiday, but not work during your university and live alone.

The fact is I don't wanna live alone. I love my mother. She is the most important person in my life, the one who undestrands me and accepted me as I am.
She is just too overportective, too much worried, too much fears that are an obstacle to what I wanna know.

I live nearly 70 km from Milan. She NEVER let me go there alone during the day. Never. I never had an holiday by myself. It may sound absurd for guys from the USA, but it is like that for me.

Now... I cannot tell her that I lied. It will ruin our relationship forever. I may just need to do what some of you suggested. Be more honest or say I'm going out with friends.

As she accepted that at 19 I met a 32-years-old guy and became a good friend of mine, she may accept that I go out and chill... it will take time and a big effort.

Maybe I made a mistake, but i can mend it.
I hope.

 

[3nipples]

Now... I cannot tell her that I lied. It will ruin our relationship forever. I may just need to do what some of you suggested. Be more honest or say I'm going out with friends.

Do you really think she doesn't already know?

 

[drhladnjak]

Have you considered talking to your mother directly about this? Well, maybe not the lying part, but about her asking so many questions, not trusting you, worrying, etc. It sounds to me like the two of you need to talk about boundaries and giving you some more independence.

 

[spreadeagle]

I see two issues to address here:

This sounds like a dysfunctional family set-up with your father emotionally absent and your mother too emotionally engaged with you. Possibly your being gay is ok with her because it reduces the chances of you switching your affections to another woman. If that were to happen she fears she's be left alone with her the husband she despises. In order to avoid that she has the need to exercise an unusual degree of control over your life. Is there anything you can do to encourage your mother to become more independent from her husband? Does she/could she have a career? Would family counselling be an option? Are you an only child? Does your father know you're gay? Is your father gay?

The second issue relates to the first: I don't think you've completed the coming out process with your mother. Coming out is more thasn just saying 'Hey, I'm gay!' She needs more information about what you're doing so that she is reassured that it's okay and safe. It's perfectly normal for a young sexually-active male to want to gain some sexual experience as a means of gaiing information about the sort of person you'd like to be with.

If you want to feel a sense of freedom you need to be more proactive and honest about it with your mother. Work up to it gradually: tell her where you're going and what time you'll be home. Then prove that you mean it by keeping your word. Then gradually extend the boundaries till you're staying out later, staying out overnight.

I think taking some university vacations in another city would be a good idea to get her used to the idea that before to long you'll be totally independent.

 

[rareboy]

There is nothing more immature and soul destroying than prevarication and dissembling except continuing on with it.

If you want to be a little boy forever, then don't keep whining about it.

If you want to be an adult and you want to have a clear conscience, then tell your mother you've been lying through your teeth. If you say that it will ruin your relationship, then your relationship isn't that good anyway.

Maybe she'll do you a favour and kick you out.

 

[tonysw]

I have read your issue and skimmed the answers.

I like what Riverrick said about BOUNDARIES. My Mother is 94 and still rides over everyone and ignores their boundaries. She lives with me now due to her age. She tries to find out what everyone is doing and when and where. She tries to dictate what they can do and when. She gets upset and goes around the whole family to try to gain information. She stated that children are the possessions of the parent until the day the parent dies and they can be treated any way the parent chooses.

I refuse her views and tell her that it none of her business. She tries to control by refusing to permit me and and my children to go out. We just ignore. She insists to know where we are going and what we are doing and exactly when we will be back.

It is CONTROL and that is wrong. there is a difference between care and control. There are various boundaries at various ages. In Australia a person is an adult at 18, there fore they are free to do what they want. Do what we do , just do not permit her to enmesh herself in your life. You don't want this to be still happening in 40 years time do you???? Buy the book on Boundaries. Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[thephoenix]

Well, it's quite a pickle you're in. If your mother is as you describe her, in my opinion it is doubtful she will respond to a simple discussion. From the sounds of it, you are the bright shining light in her life and most likely the only reason she gets up each day. That's a heavy burden to carry. I have a friend who is an only child and he has come to resent his mother for placing a similar burder on his shoulders. One thing is certain; it is definitely not a healthy relationship you're in. No offense, but I'm having flashes of Norman Bates' mother and his philosophy that a boy's best friend is his mother.

One avenue to consider is sitting her down and just telling her that you are an adult and while you appreciate her concern for your well being, it is becoming a little smothering. Explain to her that you just don't want to introduce her to everyone you spend time with because you don't want to waste her time with someone who might turn out to be a passing ship. Tell her that when the time comes, she will be the first to meet the person who is not a passing ship. After all, you need to get to know this person and it isn't her place to get to know this person just yet. Be prepared for a fight, it's inevitable in this situation. You are her world and she isn't going to accept boundaries with any type of ease. Tell her that this isn't up for discussion again and stick to it. Personally, I find it a little unsettling that a mother would insist on knowing EVERY aspect of her child's life (including sex). Tell her that she has provided you with everything you need to navigate in life and now that it is up to you to actually navigate. Assure her that you love her and any time you need her, you'll come to her.

Again, that's one solution that may or may not be a solution, but it's worth a try.

 

[new86]

Afret some time, i come back to this thread to inform you about last events and my decisions.

From the sounds of it, you are the bright shining light in her life and most likely the only reason she gets up each day.

The Phoenix, you are absolutely right! And it is for that, also, that I decided to be more honest with her.

My "John" is unbelievably disappeared, and never answered to me anymore. So that I states that I will not accept him again. Doing that, I eliminate my excuse. My mother thinks bad things about this one, and thank God she believes it to be real. Better that loosing her trust in me.

On the other hand, I decided that is it time for her to accept that at my age I can go out with people without being murdered. So I'll be honest if I go yout with a guy, and if it will be required, I will fight for my freedom. I hope that time will better things.

It believe it's the right choice and i'm sorry for what I did. But I learned something. That's the point.

I wanna thank all of you guys. You are always helpful and kind!
Thanks!

 

[3nipples]

in bocca al lupo

 

[rareboy]

The Phoenix, you are absolutely right! And it is for that, also, that I decided to be more honest with her.

My "John" is unbelievably disappeared, and never answered to me anymore. So that I states that I will not accept him again. Doing that, I eliminate my excuse. My mother thinks bad things about this one, and thank God she believes it to be real. Better that loosing her trust in me.

You don't deserve her trust.

 

[new86]

Guys, some of you are really CRUEL!

I come here asking for help.. exposing to the whole internet my problem and my guilty... i wanna solve things out... and you say such things like "you don't deserve her trust" or "move out" or "go living to Milan?"

Do you know how much does it cost Milan????????
Do you know how little money a guy like me can have working without any diploma?

Some of you give very unuseful answers. But i REALLY APPRECIATE SOME PEOPLE'S IDEAS!

The most of you guys is really fantastic! Thanks!

 

[new86]

And... if I study in Lugano, i don't go living in Milan...
maybe you should just READ what I wrote...
And i don't wanna leave my mum alone with my dad.

 

[3nipples]

Then no sex, no parties, no binge drinking, no fun.

What is your problem? That he isn't doing what you want? Get over it.

Shy resolved his dilemma. Ultimately he knows his situation better than any of us.

And Milan IS really expensive.