Problem with a Friend

[Meat_Loaf]

I'm straight, but my best friend is gay. When I say best friend, we consider each other blood brothers. I have a new girlfriend and we've only been dating a month at this point.

Tyler- my best friend- has been in love with me. He came out to me in March 2006. It took me by surprise; I used to be a homophobe, but I've learned how beautiful he is the way he is. He came out to me because he had hoped I had similar feelings for him. I love him to death, just not in that way. It's impossible for me to have romantic feelings for him. We've made it through those hurdles and I've learned to be really understanding with him when he'd get random boners if my shirt lifted above my waistline, lol.

Well, this girlfriend thing has been very rough on him. He had a meltdown in front of me and the girl just last week. He was bawling his eyes out because he's upset that I might like her more than him. I told him right then and there that wasn't the case and it wasn't going to happen. My words don't seem to be enough for him, though.

This week, I told him I was doing something with her on Friday night because she had the night off. This created a big problem, because Tyler and I have done things together on Fridays pretty much every night we've been friends. He's upset because I didn't ask him about it before making the decision, so he told me he was sick of trying to compete with her and wasn't going to sit around and get his chain yanked by me. I feel like a jerk for this.

Like I said, I love him to death and I don't want the fact that I have a girlfriend to lessen the magnitude of our friendship in any way whatsoever. It just makes it really hard when he's gay it seems, because he still has feelings for me and probably always will. I mean, it's been sixteen months since we put chances of us going out to rest and he's still holding out on it.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is what exactly should I do about this situation? How do I handle it?

I really appreciate any input you can provide.

 

[sibersan]

If he honestly cant be around her, then you should try to make seperate plans with both of them, and make both of them relize that both of them are important to you, and have to deal with it. I would say try to spend equal amount of time with them. Like if you go see a movie with ur gf one nite, try to schedule a nite where u can go to the movies with just ur friend another night. But if u and ur gf become serious, then it'll just create problems later. You need to try to get ur friend to relize that you love him, and really care for him, but not in a way he hopes.

Years ago, I had feelings for a friend for awhile (and yes he knows i'm gay). I wanted to be with him, but he was straight, so i knew that nothing could ever happen. It didnt really brother me that he was dating other females, as long as he was happy, that's all i really cared about.

Honestly, what i would do in your case, is try to see if you can find ur friend a bf. Not like tryin to get him away from you or anything, but atleast see if he can find soembody that he can be happy with, like you and ur gf.

 

[G-Lexington]

If you get into a relationship with somebody, that person takes priority. Even over your blood brothers, best friends forever, whatever the heck you want to call them. He's not competing with her - he's not even in the running. You've made that clear to him.

That doesn't mean you have to leave your friend in the dust, but he needs to be made aware of that. If he can't hang out with you two without getting emotional, he's going to have to make do with whatever time you can spare that doesn't include her. To put it simply, he's going to have to find something to do with his life and his time when you're with her. Whether he chooses to spend that time fostering new relationships, or crying in his room - that's totally up to him.

Lex

 

[mabby7]

Aww ... this is so cute, this story. And Meat_Loaf ... you sound like a really great guy.

Meat_Loaf I think your friend needs to hang around with other people though. Like what G-Lexington says, your girlfriend needs to take priority in your life. Tyler needs to give you two space and realize that even though he is your best friend, you have a girlfriend that you need to spend alone time with. I think you really need to tell him this, but not in an angry way or anything, just be firm.

 

[orton86]

You are a good friend. You care about him so much that you decided to go on a gay forum to ask for advice. That shows a lot about you!

 

[backpacker]

At first I thought it cool that you, as a straight guy, would come to a gay forum to determine how to help your friend. Then I noticed your post count and thought it was funny that a straight guy would spend so much time on this forum. I decided to read a few of your other posts and found it interesting how you like gay porn. I also found this quote from one of your posts very interesting:

"I came out on March 29th. Since then, I've been anything but certain about myself. I'm sexually attracted to guys. I could look at a girl all day long and not be aroused in the slightest. In fact, I can watch a porn and have a boner from a guy and be limp in a matter of seconds once boobs hit the screen. Absolutely no sexual attraction to women whatsoever."

How do you explain that in this post you say you are straight and in that post you say you came out?

 

[luminum]

In all honesty, what you're doing is fine. He's the one with the problem. He may always hold out for your romantic affection, but you should both know deep down that it won't happen. You can't just 'be gay' all of a sudden any more than he can just 'be straight' all of a sudden. It's not going to happen.

He should realize that as a best friend, he won't always take priority over a girlfriend. There should honestly be no competition between you two. You have a girlfriend, you want to spend time with her, you still spend time with him, and he should understand that the ways you two will hang out will inevitably change once he has a boyfriend, and if either of you two ever grow to have families, children, etc.

It won't mean you're not still best friends, but there are still going to be greater priorities in life.

So tell him that it's 1) unfair of him to demand that you choose between your girlfriend and him. He is NOT your boyfriend, he's your best friend, and she is not your best friend, she's your girlfriend. The two fo them have different places in your heart that do not compete with one another. 2) you will never, ever, be in a romantic relationship with him any more than one of his best gal pals could ever hope for him to be in love with her. The more he stresses it, the more unfair it is to your sexuality that he expects for you to treat him as though you could fall in love with another guy. You can't, you're straight. 3) if he can't handle those things, then the two of you will need time apart so he can get over this. It doesn't mean you're not still best friends, but he has to reexamine his line of where he believe best friends and 'first love' ends and begins. Right now, he doesn't seem to be distinguishing between the two at all, and it's not good for him nor is it fair for you.

I repeat that from what you told us, you seem to be doing all the right things. He's just the one who isn't able to deal and do what he should.

 

[Comrad]

Well i think mainly you hurt him the most when you said you may like her more than him, that should have not been said. I sorta of went through the same thing with a female friend of mines and the best thing she could have ever done was make her boy friend, one of my friends. If your new girl friend is a cool girl then have Tyler and her hang out together, alone. Trust me it helps out tons. And maybe Tyler him self needs to get over the feelings he has for you. Which means he really needs to get a guy for him self.

 

[orton86]

At first I thought it cool that you, as a straight guy, would come to a gay forum to determine how to help your friend. Then I noticed your post count and thought it was funny that a straight guy would spend so much time on this forum. I decided to read a few of your other posts and found it interesting how you like gay porn. I also found this quote from one of your posts very interesting:

"I came out on March 29th. Since then, I've been anything but certain about myself. I'm sexually attracted to guys. I could look at a girl all day long and not be aroused in the slightest. In fact, I can watch a porn and have a boner from a guy and be limp in a matter of seconds once boobs hit the screen. Absolutely no sexual attraction to women whatsoever."

How do you explain that in this post you say you are straight and in that post you say you came out?

Good job on this! Care you explain yourself, OP?

 

[Meat_Loaf]

Sure thing, I guess it would qualify as the message board phenomenon known as "trolling". I'm the "Tyler" in this situation. I wrote this message through his eyes for two reasons:

1. It helped for me to go through the thought process of outlining what I believe his predicament is so that it can be better respected and dealth with.
2. If I had posted as the "Tyler", I wouldn't be receiving the same answers I received as the straight guy. When it comes to ones own predicaments around here, I've noticed that blunt answers only come out at about 50/50. A lot of people around here sugarcoat things, so there wouldn't have been a need to sugarcoat anything if "Tyler" wasn't the one asking.

It was very insightful. Thanks for the comments.

 

[dalton41]

I'm straight, but my best friend is gay. When I say best friend, we consider each other blood brothers. I have a new girlfriend and we've only been dating a month at this point.

Tyler- my best friend- has been in love with me. He came out to me in March 2006. It took me by surprise; I used to be a homophobe, but I've learned how beautiful he is the way he is. He came out to me because he had hoped I had similar feelings for him. I love him to death, just not in that way. It's impossible for me to have romantic feelings for him. We've made it through those hurdles and I've learned to be really understanding with him when he'd get random boners if my shirt lifted above my waistline, lol.

Well, this girlfriend thing has been very rough on him. He had a meltdown in front of me and the girl just last week. He was bawling his eyes out because he's upset that I might like her more than him. I told him right then and there that wasn't the case and it wasn't going to happen. My words don't seem to be enough for him, though.

This week, I told him I was doing something with her on Friday night because she had the night off. This created a big problem, because Tyler and I have done things together on Fridays pretty much every night we've been friends. He's upset because I didn't ask him about it before making the decision, so he told me he was sick of trying to compete with her and wasn't going to sit around and get his chain yanked by me. I feel like a jerk for this.

Like I said, I love him to death and I don't want the fact that I have a girlfriend to lessen the magnitude of our friendship in any way whatsoever. It just makes it really hard when he's gay it seems, because he still has feelings for me and probably always will. I mean, it's been sixteen months since we put chances of us going out to rest and he's still holding out on it.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is what exactly should I do about this situation? How do I handle it?

I really appreciate any input you can provide.

This story seems so familiar, I wonder why? Sounds alot like my situation. Coming out to my friend in April 2006 in NYC and the entire Summer went to hell because of some bitch that was taking advantage of "my love". And I felt much of the emotions your friend felt but what my friend couldn't see, I did. She was out digging for gold.

To make a long story short, after spending the night with him last week, I asked him last night where he sees ourselves down the road. He said friends, I said lovers. He said he would think about that. That gives me hope.

 

[Meat_Loaf]

Trolling, as in one when is fishing: you put a line in the water, go over the same spot several times and see what bites.

Online trolling: throwing something misleading or intentionally aimed at causing trouble on the forum (the bait) and seeing who bites. I don't suppose what I did intended to hurt feelings, but it would count as misleading.

 

[ok455]

I hate being attached to people like that. If your really not attracted to him just tell him. I wouldn't recommend having u and your girlfriend hang out with him. He will feel like the 3rd wheel And he will be more jealous and depressed.


But i kinda think your attracted to him

 

[JackFTwist]

Tyler, you just got to get over it.

It is not easy, a lot of us have been there - but you got to let the person you say you love live his life without trying to change him pr pressure him, but want what makes him happy and it is a woman he can love (as a mate) in a way that he cannot love you - but that means the can love you (as a true friend and brother) as he is able. And that is a good thing.

 

[PhilSneaksMTL]

Hey Meat Loaf,

I understand what you go through, especially how intense these feelings you have for your best bud can be. The whole situation upsets you, but you can not just get your feelings switched off. As for knowing your best friend does not love you the way you would like to, I would say sometimes you need to be told that twice.

Let me tell you a short story: I have recently been in love with a new bud of mine and asked him very quickly what his feeling were toward me, and he said he loved me in a friendly manner, no more. But I was still in love, making scenes when he did not call me, and so on. I was upsetting myself with such strong behaviours... I was looking like a teenage girl having her first crush on a guy...lol.

Even if he told me, secretly I was hoping that his feelings for me would develop, that he would slowly become addicted to me, or sthg like that. When I came back from holiday, I was really excited to see him again, but it took two days before we could arrange to meet, and then he told me he had met another guy while I was away. I was devastated. Back home, I wrote him a letter, in which I told him how much I loved him. I also told him I was proud to be his friend. I apologized for my behaviour and asked for his understanding while I was trying to get used to the idea of just being his friend.

I mailed him the letter, and then I cried for sthg like 15 mns. And it was over. I had dealt with it. I consider our friendship is even stronger now that I wrote him how much I loved him.

Maybe you should try it. Sometimes words are much more powerful when they are written rather than said. You'll see that it comes out very naturally after 2/3 sentences. Actually, it looks a bit as if you were writing to your own self. I found it very therapeutic to put words on feelings, instead of being overwhelmed by them.

So that's my advice. Good luck, and let us know how things evolve on your end.

Best,


Phil

 

[backpacker]

Sure thing, I guess it would qualify as the message board phenomenon known as "trolling". I'm the "Tyler" in this situation. I wrote this message through his eyes for two reasons:

1. It helped for me to go through the thought process of outlining what I believe his predicament is so that it can be better respected and dealth with.
2. If I had posted as the "Tyler", I wouldn't be receiving the same answers I received as the straight guy. When it comes to ones own predicaments around here, I've noticed that blunt answers only come out at about 50/50. A lot of people around here sugarcoat things, so there wouldn't have been a need to sugarcoat anything if "Tyler" wasn't the one asking.

It was very insightful. Thanks for the comments.

The problem is you can't see it through his eyes. The reason why I checked your other posts is that the story was obviously not written by a straight best friend. My advice to Tyler is go out and make some gay friends, get a bf and stop obsessing about your straight friend.

 

[screwnutty]

The problem is you can't see it through his eyes. The reason why I checked your other posts is that the story was obviously not written by a straight best friend. My advice to Tyler is go out and make some gay friends, get a bf and stop obsessing about your straight friend.

Easier said then done. But Tyler you need to put some distance between you and your friend. Your only going to give yourself heartbreak and sadness if you continue down this dark path. Take it from me....I've been there. Check for my thread about falling in love with your best friend. Now what I did was pretty drastic but I knew it was the only way. So far it's been a year and 4 months. I'm just now rekindling friendships with friends who took his side. They of course asked me why I acted so strangely and for the first time in my life I didn't defend him. I didn't keep our dark secret. I told them straight up. Some don't believe me...some do. But he's gone from my life. He's dead to me. Now I don't think you should go that far, but for me were talking about 15 years of on again, off again fooling around. I needed to do the tough love thing and you know what....It worked. I don't find myself thinking about him or anything. I won't even know him if I saw him in a store anymore. I've erased him from my timeline. But then again I can be a bastard when push comes to shove.