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Problem with my bi friend

Stitch627

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I came out to one of my friends a year and a half ago. A couple of months later, this friend came out to me as bisexual. He told me he was feeling confused and depressed as he was about to marry a girl who didn't know he was bi. He loved her but didn't know how to bring up the subject of his sexuality and if it would be a dealbreaker. He ended up telling her a few weeks after the wedding... They didn't break up. But the situation hasn't been easy since then.
Regarding our relationship, we've become closer. It's been really great. We talk a lot about our life, issues. I'm the only one he's come out to, and then the only one he can talk to about his couple issues. And he's also one of the few friends I can talk to about anything.
We now live in 2 different countries but last week we went on vacation together in a city in a third country. We went out every night, sometimes to gay bars, had cocktails, talked a lot. We had a great time, a lot of fun. Yet, the situation got complicated. On the last night, we went out to bars, had some cocktails. To finish up the night, we went back to a gay club we had been to a couple of days before. There I ended up dancing with another guy, and making out with him, so I lost track of my friend. As the club was closing, I looked for my friend and find him making out with another guy on a couch...
We left the bar together my friend and I, and were quite silent on the way back to the hotel.
We went to bed, and then he started to cry on my shoulder. So I hugged him. And we fell asleep, my arms wrapped around him.
At some point during the night, half asleep and still half drunk, I felt a wandering hand, running down my chest, slipping into my pants, reaching for my dick. The hand was being careful and hesitating, made several attempts at touching and rubbing my cock. As I was on my stomach, he couldn't do much. I must say I didn't know what to do, I wanted him to stop by himself. I didn't encourage him but didn't push him back either. After a few times, I moved away. But, later in the night he came back to me and tried this time to reach for my ass, pulling the sheet down, slipping his hand into my pants. After a few times, I pulled the sheet back up.
On the following morning, we didn't get the chance to be alone and talk as he had to wake up early for a meeting. Later we were not alone as another friend of his joined us as planned. And that was the end of our vacation. We both went back home without any chance to talk.

I must admit the following morning was a bit awkward and it still is. We've exchanged a couple of texts since then. He said he didn't know how to get back to me, that it was awkward, that this friendship was important, that we needed to talk. And I agree. But I don't know what to do, say or think. I think I should have been more firm in bed that night, and push him back right away. I think I also feel a bit guilty for bringing him to gay places, for his yielding to temptation, which I don't think I should. But beyond all this, I don't understand him and don't recognize him. All this is so not him. I "could" possibly understand his making out session with a guy, like he got drunk and carried away, which is no excuse. But then, his being horny (twice!!) after his crying on my shoulder!? wtf? So, why was he crying? For cheating on his wife or for realizing he is more gay than bi? I dunno... I would like to help him though...

So what do you guys think? What should I do and tell him?

Do you think I could talk about it with another friend of mine for advice? But that would give away his bisexuality and problems with his wife, which was only between us. That wouln't be fair, would it? But it is so frustrating not to be able to talk about this with anyone...

PS: The wandering hand thing already happened a night i got completely wasted, months before i come out to him. I have always assumed it was him.
 
So what do you guys think? What should I do and tell him?

Do you think I could talk about it with another friend of mine for advice? But that would give away his bisexuality and problems with his wife, which was only between us. That wouln't be fair, would it? But it is so frustrating not to be able to talk about this with anyone...

PS: The wandering hand thing already happened a night i got completely wasted, months before i come out to him. I have always assumed it was him.

Wow, You're "PS" confused me because i thought the incident was part of last week. So i'm going to ignore your PS.

Why is your friend crying? Probably for all the reasons you cite. He's upset with himself for cheating. He has urges that he can't control.

For your part, it sounds like you didn't encourage him - you are just a convenient outlet for him. It would be really nice if you two could talk it out - but he needs to get control of what he wants. Good for you for your constraint.

I don't think you can talk to a friend that also knows him - without his consent. You could talk to other friends that don't know him - as long as you have no expectation that they will ever know him or anyone among his acquaintances.

Can you pick up the phone and talk to him? Yes, it will be akward, but it already is. I think you two need to clear the air.
 
He's facing inner turmoil for the obvious reasons stated.

But its really not fair on his wife. He really should have told her before they were married. What was her reaction, where are they now?

He's going to cheat on her with penetrative sex eventually. I guess for them to stick together they'd best need an open relationship. Otherwise I unfortunately can see him as just another poor sorry statistic of married man playing away with other men.
 
Be a friend to him. Unless he brings it up, I'd continue as though nothing happened.

I have a feeling it's going to get more difficult for him and he'll need his friend.
 
But its really not fair on his wife. He really should have told her before they were married. What was her reaction, where are they now?

I don't really know how it went when he told her. It must have hurt... but not too too bad I'd say. All I know is that things have been complicated between them. Up and downs. They argue quite often about the issue. To me, there's a problem of broken trust between them.
Btw they are about to move to a country in the middle of Africa for her job for a year. I suspect that she doesn't complain about the fact that, there, he'll be far from any temptation. It may even be one of the reasons to accept the job.

Be a friend to him. Unless he brings it up, I'd continue as though nothing happened.

I have a feeling it's going to get more difficult for him and he'll need his friend.

I can't do as nothing happened, because he's a very talky guy. I mean he needs to talk about this kind of things. He's already asked for it anyway.

I think I'll try to explain him that I'm not really mad at him. Rather I'm confused and concerned about him, and his life choices.
 
Be a friend, not a therapist or judge. Perhaps he made a mistake in getting married, but he needs his life experiences to be who he is, mistakes and all.

You can be a friend and have boundaries. If sex with him is out of the question tell him so.

Without knowing your friend I'm worried about him moving to Africa. I hope he remains mentally healthy as well as physically safe.

He going to need you. Try to be his friend on mutually agreed to ground rules.
 
be supportive i wouldn't do anything to make him feel worse than he already is. you could apologize for taking him to a place where you know he would act on his feelings, or he may be thankful to you for clarifying things for him.
 
Be a friend to him. Unless he brings it up, I'd continue as though nothing happened.

I have a feeling it's going to get more difficult for him and he'll need his friend.

I think I'll try to explain him that I'm not really mad at him. Rather I'm confused and concerned about him, and his life choices.

Guys always want to fix things when we should just shut up and listen sometimes.

You're both grownup adults. You didn't twist his arm and make him go to a gay bar. You didn't pour drinks down his throat. Nobody forced him to make out with a guy.

And it's just sad that he ended up making a pass at his friend because he's gotten into a situation where he wants dick but he's married to a woman.

But it's not your problem. And it's not up to you to fix this. That's his responsibility.

Forgive him for being stupid. And allow him to forgive himself for being stupid. Just be his friend. Just listen. Just help him sort out his thoughts and tell him it's going to be okay.
 
You're both grownup adults. You didn't twist his arm and make him go to a gay bar. You didn't pour drinks down his throat. Nobody forced him to make out with a guy.

And it's just sad that he ended up making a pass at his friend because he's gotten into a situation where he wants dick but he's married to a woman.

But it's not your problem. And it's not up to you to fix this. That's his responsibility.

Forgive him for being stupid. And allow him to forgive himself for being stupid. Just be his friend. Just listen. Just help him sort out his thoughts and tell him it's going to be okay.

Once again the evil Kara has beaten me to it.

I'll just add that I don't have much respect for guys who molest other guys in their sleep. If you were a girl, he'd be in jail.
 
I like your advice guys. Thanks for your replies.

So my friend called me yesterday, when I was at work. Therefore, I couldn't really talk. (I had sent him an email earlier that day) It was awkward, as you could have guessed. I said I wasn't really mad at him, but more concerned about him. He didn't say much actually, he just wanted to know if I was ok. Many moments of silence, and he was crying the whole time. He sounded like a total mess, really on the verge of collapsing. He said that he was sorry, that he felt disgusted by himself for hurting people, and that my being a good friend and supporting him despite of it all was making him feel even more disgusted. He said I didn't have to worry, but the result was the opposite...
 
You should be worried and you should make some time to have a face-to-face chat with him. Ultimately, the problem is his to resolve but having someone to talk to would be a good thing now.
 
He seems to NOT be elaborating about how he feels, if he made a move on you then something must be about you. Ask him how he feels and if he wants to talk. Don't let him push yout out of the equation. He didn't really "hurt" you did he?
 
He seems to NOT be elaborating about how he feels, if he made a move on you then something must be about you. Ask him how he feels and if he wants to talk. Don't let him push yout out of the equation. He didn't really "hurt" you did he?

What do you mean exactly by "something must be about me" and "hurt me"?
 
What do you mean exactly by "something must be about me" and "hurt me"?

"that he felt disgusted by himself for hurting people" what made him feel like he was hurting you or his wife?

I just think he deserves to tell you a little more than what he's keeping away from you.
 
Ah ok. About his wife, I think she'd be hurt if she knew, and the situation seems to be complicated already. As for me, I think he believes I'm really mad at him, and he fears the friendship might be lost.

He sent me another text saying we need to talk, that he owes me apologies and explanations, that he screwed everything up. It isn't easy to make a call because we have a 6 hour time difference, and I cannot talk when I'm at work, and he cannot talk when his wife his around. So it's really complicated...
 
What a tragedy for his wife. I think your bi friend is immature and bad news. I hope he and his wife get some counseling -- fast.
 
Btw do you think I should be more upset, less forgiving? I'm asking this regarding some of your comments and even my friend's response.
 
Btw do you think I should be more upset, less forgiving? I'm asking this regarding some of your comments and even my friend's response.

I don't know - you are what you are. What he did either offended you or it didn't. To base your own feelings on what we tell you would be insincere.

I would be disappointed to what he did to his partner. He is coming to terms with an influence that he cannot or does not adequately control. You can get on him for that, dump him for that - or try to help him through that.

What if it were something else? what if it were drugs or alcohol? What if he were having an affair (with another woman)? How would, you, his friend have dealt with that? In those cases, he may not be hurting you directly - but you may be disappointed with his behavior.

Did he use you? Did you want that? I would say that many of us have many instances where we offer our support for someone who has had bad behavior- and other instances where we did not.

At this point, i would encourage you to help him by talking to him (if you do not intend to harm his relationship). If you are disappointed - you can tell him that - you don't have to condone everything a friend does to still consider him a friend.
 
It's all dependent on how you feel, you seem to be forgiving and want to take a load off of his already large plate of confusion/shit. Maybe email? facebook? I don't know dude :(
 
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