Problems I have in younger-older relationship

[LoLove]

I'm 21 years old and my partner is 60. I'm really in love with him. He used to live far away from me, but he moved to the city that I live in to live with me. Everything was going well, but he couldn't give up hanging out on gay-dating sites. I was very disappointed when I first saw this, because I had deleted whichever profile I had on such websites. First I started to make jokes about it, then I asked him why he does this. The answer was clear, "just for fun", and I asked him to stop it. Although he promised, he didn't stop it. One day I told him that "if you really want to hang out on such web sites, please leave me, otherwise it hurts too much." He was really upset after this conversation, and promised again not to go online on those websites. Nevertheless, last month he was online again, and I was able to get his email password. I read one of the mails he sent which says "I come to Germany, shall we meet?will you come to me or should I come to you? the last conversation we had was very nice, I'd like to meet you..." You may guess how I felt that day, and I brought this subject up again. He was mad at me because I had his password, and he explained that he just knew that that guy was a fake one and he wanted to prove it. (The guy didn't answer the mail...) Now, he is in Germany, and I'm getting really nervous. I would trust if any of those didn't happen. I want to trust, I really do. At this point I need some suggestions, my heart hurt enough, I don't know what to do...

 

[hotatlboi]

I got news for you man. If a dude 40 years older than you at 60 is STILL not ready to commit to a serious relationship, he's never going to be.

Better to lose him and find someone else who will share your desire for that.

 

[WYSIWYG]

My husband is 32 and I am 64, so I can understand how you feel about your man.
There have been many threads on here asking if chatting online, or using a cam to have 'sex' is cheating or not.

Chatting is one thing and could just be a harmless, but doing sexual things on cam would make me think twice about any relationship.

I am fortunate in that my relationship is an open and honest one and we in no way want to hurt each other. We have both been hurt too much in the past.

If your man, (no matter what age), can not respect you or your relationship after you have had this conversation then I agree with hotatlboi. Move on mate.
Sorry to suggest that to you. You seem like a caring human who wants to love and be loved back.

 

[spiderhead]

I'm sorry but am I the only one that thinks that snooping through your boyfriends private e-mails is way out of line?

 

[Luka]

ummmm am i the only one that thinks you shouldnt be with your grandpa?? i dont get u people...blah

 

[LoLove]

sniperhead, I would never snoop through my partner's emails if he hadn't done so many things that hurt me. I lost my trust by time, and had to do this.

Luka, I cannot explain you why I like men older than 55, but I cannot explain why I am gay either, so this is a similar question. I don't think any straight people can understand it either.


I have to wait until he comes back from Germany, but I love him too much to lose, and this much love brings still some hope that maybe he stops one day. I still am confused.

 

[4older]

LoLove regardless of the ages involved, the bottom line is you don't trust him. You'll never be comfortable in a relationship unless you can trust the one you're with no matter how much you love them.

Communication is the key. You need to explain to him why you're not comfortable with him on those sites, and allow him to explain why he still enjoys being on them.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years and still am on the old sites for hooking up. It's fun to flirt and keep in touch with friends. My partner is aware of what I do and doesn't have a problem with it. We have similar tastes in guys so I will show him if I'm chatting with someone he'd like.

We do have an open policy in our relationship but don't use it much. The important thing is to make sure you're both on the same page with that stuff.

Also nothing justifies you going through his emails. You're seeing things out of context, you're looking for something and will find it regardless of if it's there or not. If you feel that you're so uncomfortable with your bf that you need to keep constant tabs on him then there's no sense in being in a relationship. That's not really love but ultimatly more like property management.

 

[thisisinteresting]

ummmm am i the only one that thinks you shouldnt be with your grandpa?? i dont get u people...blah

Nobody asked you, and nobody effin' cares. I don't get you people, but you don't see me going into every topic with people who like young guys or twinks and whining about it. Please think twice before you post, you're not helping anyone.

Not too long ago I hopped on my partner's computer and his inbox was the thing on the screen... being used to checking my e-mail my eyes just instantly go to the longest line, the subject line. I was instantly drawn to one that was about hooking up. At that point, I knew I shouldn't have snooped, but I had to, it was just staring me in the face... me being young, naive, and in my first relationship am very easily deceived. There was replies from both sides about meeting up for some fun, and this was after I was gone/not hanging out with him for one day! I got so mad I was shaking, and him already being in bed, I just got up and left. I walked home crying and he texted me a little after asking why I left. Anyway long story short he just did it (well y'know, so he says) because he was bored, horny, and wanted to fish some pics out of people. He's always been honest about anything dodgy so I believe him... He said he wouldn't blame me if I ended the relationship there, but I didn't and he said he'd do something more productive when bored since he realizes how upset it makes me even if he's just doing it for pics.

Although... to be honest, I have trust issues now. In fact just today his inbox was open again and I just kinda instinctually was skimming the subject lines before I realized that's not my business. I should have a proper talk with him about it again, just because it's been coming up in my mind at random times and making me feel uneasy. I'm sure there's a lot of older guys out there to manipulate young guys into passionate sex, so be careful. Talking to guys in foreign countries on dating sites before going on a trip to that place is a bit sketchy.

 

[biguy732]

I will make this short and to the point - you are 21 - get over him and get back out in the dating scene. There are other fish in the sea.

And, I gotta agree about not liking the snooping thing.

 

[Storybook_Man]

I do agree with spiderhead about going through your boyfriends e-mail, but then I don't agree. You are in a relationship with this person, who knows if he goes out and has sex with someone then brings something back to you. Its your life and your health, so you shouldn't care about going through his e-mail. Especially since he told you that he would stop going on the dating sites, but continued to do so anyway.

In my opinion, give him one more shot to be honest and trustful, if not then let him go. You can find another person, granted it will be hard possibly, but im sure you will be a lot happier with someone who is willing to make you happy and someone who is trusting. I have to agree with Hotatlboi, if he is 60 and doesn't take the relationship seriously, he will never take it seriously.

 

[spiderhead]

Ummmm....Seriously if this person has broken your trust and hurt you like you say he has, so much to the point where you think the only way you'll get an honest answer out of him is basically to spy on him you have your answer right there. It's not a good relationship. I stand by my no snooping comment because once again, if you even have to snoop you're not in a good relationship.

 

[LoLove]

Yes, you are all right about the snooping email thing, I already regret this, and I know that it's not ethical at all, I'm training myself not to do it again. At the beginning of our relationship, I believed and trusted in him until he opened his mailbox when I was sitting next to him, then I noticed that he still had profiles though I didn't have, and several times when I woke up, he was already on a gay site chatting with somebody saying "kiss you all over" (yes I've spying eyes ), all these came together and make me feel curious about what he really does. I already talked to him honestly how I felt about what he does, and how I am hurt, and each time he promised me not to do it again. I believed, but he did again. Thus, in this way I lost a little bit of my trust. But I can still claim that I'm in love with him.
He moved in to my house, and he lives with me, and I love him, all these are obstacles to finish a relationship.

 

[payit4ward]

Lolove it sounds like you are more mature at 21 than he is at 60 if he cant be honest by the time he is 60 he never will be. if i were you i would find someone that wanted to spend their time with you and not with others on a gay dating site. you have your whole life ahead of you and when you find the right person it will be and amazing feeling and you will know.

 

[KingOfPain]

I would also say, (and speaking from experience), please use your common sense. If you caught your partner in the act corresponding with a potential hook-up/love interest in Germany (no matter how he tries to play it off), then it's a fairly good assumption that your partner is a dog and will more than likely play around with the guy he was corresponding with.

It sounds harsh, but dogs are dogs. And like someone also stated above, if your partner is 60 and is still playing around, he will ALWAYS play around. I'd suggest that if you're looking for a real man or someone who wants to commit to a monogamous relationship, dump him. Otherwise you will just sign yourself up for more emotional abuse and hurt, and after awhile you will have no one else to blame but yourself.

 

[thisisinteresting]

He sounds like a useless leech, upon re-reading this topic. He's done this several times and each time promised not to and just goes behind your back and does it again? And he's moved into your place, and has you thinking he loves you... all while going on business trips and talking to people on dating sites? He's abusing your naievity. He just wants one more guy to have hot sex with - it's more passionate if you think he loves you. Seriously, take a step back and look at your sitaution.

 

[bankside]

First of all, I think privacy is a silly idea for two people having sex.

I laugh when I hear people who are quite willing to interlock all the appropriate body parts but get totally indignant about "personal" questions, like "How much do you earn?" or "Hey, who is that you are flirting with on-line?"

Anyway, it doesn't matter if he is going through with these hook-ups or not because he knows it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't care enough to stop. And yet, it does matter if he is going through with these hook-ups because your life could depend on not catching some disease he brings home from Germany.

I'm halfway between your age and his. I have nothing against age gaps in relationships, but my guess is there are good reasons he was still single before you got there.

 

[luminum]

Shouldn't this be moved to the Relationships forum?

Anyway, look: Regardless of whether or not he's actually cheating, you asked him to get off the chat/profile sites and he told you he would, knowing how much it bothered you and that you were willing to end the relationship over it. And you caught him going back on that at least twice. And every time, he's given you some lame answer.

But the point is that he didn't even respect you enough to just not do it at all, regardless of whether it was "for fun" or "to figure out if a profile is fake" (By the way, lame ass reason right there. Your flags and lights should be going up over that one, especially because he's in the exact place he mentioned in the message.) Clearly he doesn't respect you or your relationship enough to commit to you and make you feel secure about what you have, and if he's cheating with god knows who else, he doesn't respect your relationship or your health and safety.

Leave him. He's not worth your time. Also, it's better to not snoop through your partner's documents if you truly want a trusting relationship. He did you wrong here, it's true, but there are other ways to find out. You can also just go with your gut.

 

[jimbill]

No, I don't think this should be moved to the relationship forum because then you'll just get a bunch of twinks judging us for not being in twink/twink hookups like them, such as that Luka.

 

[luminum]

Well, May/December relationships have been posted in that forum anyway, and it's no flame, so those kind of comments would be patrolled. But wow, JUB is a lot more divided than I remember. Or at least, members are more bitter. One of the two.