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Problems Need Advice

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joshw222

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So this may take a while to read and if you read it I thank you. So I'm 25 recently out and I am having a lot of problems with this because I come from the bible belt, and it is still hard for me to accept who I am. Anyway I have had a lot of trouble with relationships. Ive tried 3 relations (just talking to these people) and ended up no where. The last guy I was talking to lived far away, and I know that long distance relationships really don't work but I was hopeful. I recently found out he was talking to someone else through the grapevine and went to Disney World with this guy. I have been totally crushed by this, and been grieving. So i met another guy sometime back and we had been talking off and on, and I am so scared this won't work out either he was a friend but I think that it may develop into more, What do you guys think I should do, any advice? I have never been in a relationship and tired of being hurt by attempting them. I am really nice, not much of a looker, but I like to think there is more than looks to a person.

Thanks
 
Well gotta take chances if they are givin you a chance to take them, if their bad it was meant to be, you'll find someone else. Be positive.
 
Well you can always hide and not try, but you'll feel even worst, so just try to be open and positive.
 
You can't win if you don't bet. And that's the truth of it. That said you can stack your bet. Don't think you're "dating" an online presence - you NEVER are. There is a reason people talk about chemistry and you can't detect that through bandwidth.

When you get into an online thing, you're making most of it up in your own head until you spend time with him PHYSICALLY!!!

Do not project onto guys what you think you want. Take guys AS YOU FIND THEM and walk away if that's not what you want.

Get out of your house and go do things that make YOU the best YOU you can be. Yes it's important to look for what YOU want in a guy, but never forget that YOU have to be what someone else wants as well.

Never a borrower or a lender be.

And last but not least - DATING is not a relationship, it's also not a spectator sport. You - like the vast majority of us are going to date a lot of guys, have fun, BE fun, be a guy other guys want to hang out with - and don't fixate on the whole relationship thing.

I guarantee you that if you are an approachable fun loving stress free guy, you will have opportunity.
 
Assess yourself as to where you're at in terms of acceptance of yourself, self-esteem and self-confidence. If there's work to be done in one or more areas, work on them one at a time. Imagine how you'd like to feel and then work towards making that happen.

Don't let living in the Bible Belt be an excuse for not meeting people face to face. I realize you may have to visit a larger city if you are a small town guy, but weekend getaways would be something to plan and to look forward to.

Keep up the online activity but use it as an outlet to chat and get support as opposed to fantasizing about love relationships. You have been aching for acceptance so be careful that you don't confuse acceptance with love. You may just be beginning to find out that the world is full of people who will like you for who you are.

There's nothing wrong with crying as long as you aren't immobilized. Be yourself. Be genuine. And be patient.
 
The irony of dating and expectations is that people will go into a store and try on half a dozen pairs of shoes or pants, yet when it comes to dating, they have great expectations that every person they go out with will be "the one". To be successful with dating, you have to go in with the expectation that you're getting to know someone and it may or may not work out... or sometimes it works for a few weeks or months. There are those few people who meet their match early in the dating game but for most people, it takes some learning experiences before they get it right.

joshw222 said:
i feel like i have nothing to give is bad thing
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This is probably one of the easiest ways to self-sabotage. If you go in with the attitude that you're "not a looker" and you "have nothing to give", then you're setting yourself up for a very convenient failure.

Perhaps you need to put dating on hold for a while and focus on yourself. If you're not happy with your appearance, work on changing the things that you can change. If you have issues of self-esteem and self-worth, then get into therapy and work on that. If you don't believe that you have something to offer, then isn't it reasonable to expect the other person to believe that, too? You're not going to find your self-esteem in other people.
 
I just get upset over the littlest things... I guess I feel like I have no stability in my life and I'm searching for something that I don't even know what it is quite yet. I question myself consistently, my sexuality, everything.... Guess I'm old fashioned I guess, small town mentality dating a singular person at a time... I'm a hopeless romantic...I believe in chivalry etc. I was raised correctly.... But yet I still don't know who I am, it's so complicated.
 
Been there, done that.

Look, like what TX said, if you don't bet you won't win.

You have to meet up PHYSICALLY with guys to actually date them. Do you live alone? If you still live with your parents, then I would understand why you feel less confident.

When you're only less than 6 months knowing a guy, you should try to date as many guys as you can because they are probably doing the same thing. You are all looking for the same thing - a relationship with a guy that would work. One of the perks of gay dating is that, unlike dating a girl, you end up hooking up on the first date typically.

Anyway, you will sort it out. Just don't overthink things. Just go for it. Date as many guys simultaneously as you can. The worst thing that can happen is they say no. Then, move on to the next. Just the way it is.
 
Unfortunately I do live with parents, kinda.... I'm financially unstable too that makes for bad dating because I can't go anywhere. All the guys in my area are trolls is another bad thing. They think u have to have abs and perfect face to be awesome! Just a whole ball of disaster!
 
joshw222 said:
Unfortunately I do live with parents, kinda.... I'm financially unstable too that makes for bad dating because I can't go anywhere. All the guys in my area are trolls is another bad thing. They think u have to have abs and perfect face to be awesome! Just a whole ball of disaster!
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Solve one catastrophe at at time, bub.

The sooner you move out and live independently and support yourself meaningfully, the better. It doesn't mean living alone. You can always look for roommates to share the cost, just make sure you get the right people to live with. A lesbian might be ideal :lol:

Yeah, so solve one disaster at a time.
 
joshw222 said:
Unfortunately I do live with parents, kinda.... I'm financially unstable too that makes for bad dating because I can't go anywhere. All the guys in my area are trolls is another bad thing. They think u have to have abs and perfect face to be awesome! Just a whole ball of disaster!
Click to expand...

OK the above is called setting up reasons to fail. IF you really want to change your situation, make a priority list (independence has got to be on top of that) then make a plan and execute it. You're probably young if you're still at home so you probably have plenty of time. Getting a boyfriend won't magically solve your other problems and frankly you aren't in a position right now to BE much of a boyfriend.

So be it, that's been true of all of us at some point, so, what do you want to be, and how are you going to get there?


Complaining about it will get you nowhere at all.
 
Well thanks I appreciate the advice not criticism. Unfortunately I already work full time and full time student. Looking for additional part time job too.... Just looking for relationship advice
 
joshw222 said:
Well thanks I appreciate the advice not criticism. Unfortunately I already work full time and full time student. Looking for additional part time job too.... Just looking for relationship advice
Click to expand...

Then this is all well and good. You are taking the right steps already. At this point it might be difficult because you're balancing so many things at once but I've seen it work with a friend of mine. He found a guy that he liked from school and they dated on the side unknown to their parents because at that time both of them were not yet out. When the both finished college they moved in together as roommates and ended up being boyfriends. Although there is a risk to that kind of arrangement if both of you fall out from each other. But that is a risk worth taking. Don't sweat the little things. Prioritize. Finish the most important thing first. In my opinion: school. The sooner you finish that and get a solid economic footing to live independently away from your parents, the better.

As for relationship advice, don't be afraid to meet other guys. And never look for that perfect someone. He doesn't exist. Just as you aren't perfect for anyone either. That is true of everyone. Homo or straight. Boy or girl. You will find guys. Fall in love. And then be broken-hearted for one reason or another. I wish somebody told me all this when I was younger. There are 4 billion fucking guys in the world, 10% gay would be 400 million, around 100 million are in your age bracket. I can keep going. The point is, there is someone out there for you. At least a million of them.

Don't be afraid to hook up with other guys that get your fancy. Just don't be stupid about it. You are intelligent enough to understand what I mean.

Take a deep breath. Relax. Take a vacation even. Away from home - that helps you clear your mind and see the bigger picture sometimes.


Good luck!
 
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