Puka-pride - Archived Blog Posts

[puka-pride]

OK this is the first time i have written a blog and i'm doin it because i've had an interesting week... first off... i keep getting hit on lately.. the problem is.... these people are playing games with me... one guy was hitting on me and umm kept grabbing my crotch.. but i know he really likes my friend.. but my friend told him he doesn't like him like that... he started hittin on me after my friend shot him down, so i feel like maybe he wants to use me to get closer to my friend, second guy... seemed great.. i really like him and he asked me out.. but then he blocks me on his msn and stops talking to me b4 we even have out date and he hasn't told me why, third guy.. is my ex.. who i still really like.. he broke up with me because there wasn't room for a relationship in his life because he isn't out.. but get this.. he has been with 2 other guys since he dumped me and is talking to some other guy that he might end up going out with so obviously there is room for a relationship... just not for me(btw he is the first and only guy so far that i let fuck me), 4th guy was telling me how happy he was to have messaged me (on another site) because we have so much in common and yadda yadda... he's been giving me the cold shoulder and yeah feels like he is avoiding talking to me now....

ANYWAY so this happened in a different order than i listed them in... and its really bugging me... every1 tells me i'm this amazing guy and what not but its bothering me cus i'f i'm such a catch why does every guy i like treat me like shit

well whatever... i've ranted enough,
-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

Ok first off.... life sucks ass. Everytime i start to feel good and have a good time with friends and stop thinking about life.. something smacks me in the face. this past weekend started off grrrreat on friday i went out to dinner with a couple friends because it was my wife's(not real wife..duh) birthday comming up and we all went out to dinner to celebrate, it was fun, the first time i have ever had east indian food. i liked it. then we all went to my place and hung out and had a good time.

on saturday i got a call round 1 pm that my 2 best friends will be there in an hour or 2 and that we were gonna go to the movies, i was like ok cool. then my sister calls.. she is bringing over her turtle for me to watch for a couple months or indeffinatly which is so cool cus i love turtles ^_^ i have no idea what its name is tho but its so cool... anyway so after my friends showed up and my sister dropped off the turtle and i had a quick shower and shave we go out to the movies.. and on the bus my friend made fun of me saying there was fluff on my lip so that i look like a moron trying to get it off while she kept telling me it was still there.. and i ended up making a REALLY racist joke to her that i didn't even think when i said it and apologised for many times and let her pretty much beat the shit out of me for it which is ok cus i still feel really bad for saying it but she doesn't care anymore lol. later that night we saw Alexander... GREAT movie i suggest u all go see it... i want his man servant... raar... and collin ferrel's ass and balls... oh my... the only thing i didn't like about the movie was there wasn't a man-man sex scene... and it was really funny to hear all the straight guys groaning with all the lovey dovey talk between Alexander and Hephestion(or however u spell it). it was weird tho cus i thought it was so romantic and i felt like the only one in the theatre who thought so. ok so after the movie it was about 12 30 am and we were waiting for our bus and my 2 best friends in the whole world call me a slut.. and i don't know why... i've only done stuff with 4 guys.. if that makes me a slut then what does that make the majority of the rest of the world and yeah it upset me a lot that they said it(and they weren't joking around) i'm just starting to feel like my friendship with the 2 of them is drifting away and it makes me soo sad

on sunday i was just in a bad mood.... and i had to clean the house before my parents came home which wasn't that bad because the last time i checked the house was pretty clean, or so i thought. i go to start cleaning and the place is a fucking mess.. the sink which was empty when i left at 4 pm on saturday to go out... was OVERFLOWING with dishes and there was a broken caserole dish in the garbage... i go into the living room.. and its just as bad.. there is a huge mess. see my other sister who still lives at home stayed home all weekend with her boyfriend and left her mess for me to clean so i refused to clean up and let my parents see the mess she made (^_^) my folks were pissed at my sister and my mom ended up doing the dishes even tho i told her i'd do them and that i just wanted them to see the mess because i was barely home all weekend and my sis expected me to clean up after her... later that night i'm talking to this guy and he is really pushing meeting me soon and what not.. so i asked him when he wanted to see me.. he said on monday so we made the plans.. where to meet.. what time... and all that other stuff and i went to bed in a better mood.

on monday, one of my str8 friends woke me up and i hung out with him for about an hour and tried to make breakfast for myself with my parents in the room.. didn't work. my mom was telling me what to do how to do everything and blah blah blah because i was doing what she told me to do while she was talking to my dad i ended up burning my fingerand she took over... i ate my bacon sandwhich then rushed to jump in the shower and get ready.. takes me about an hour to get ready for a date cus of umm getting completely clean and primping and yadda yadda.. and i got all ready with 20 minutes left till i had to go and catch the bus so i can meet up with him and my mom all of a sudden needs my help... putting up the christma lights(-_-) so i'm all ready for my date.. and climbing a ladder to put up the lights and i'm telling my mom i'm gonna be late and i by the time i was done i was 5 min behind scheduale.. which means i've missed my bus, the next bus was only a 10 min wait so it wasn't so bad.. i was meeting up with the guy between 2:30 and 3pm..... and i got to the place at like 2:37pm and wait... and wait.... and wait.......... and wait... and the guy never shows... i waited 40 minutes for him in the cold(and beleive me it was cold). i got stood up.... STOOD UP... so i was a lil pissed.

ok so its now wednesday and the guy still hasn't given me any word of why he stood me up or that he is even still alive, my ex was telling me last night how he was juggling 3 guys around and they all found out about eachother and i thought it was hilarious but i was so jealous that 3 guys wanna be with him and i can't seem to find one... i'm tired and cold and cranky today... and i can tell something else is gonna go wrong just by the vibe i'm getting... i'm looking forward to my party this weekend tho.. big gay party... i don't have that many gay friends so this is cool cus all my gay friends are bringing their gay friends and i'm gonna meet a bunch of new people it should be fun, i'll prolly write another blog after the party and tell ya all how it worked out maybe i'll meet a nice guy for once *hopes*

thanx for reading,
PEACE

 

[puka-pride]

Last night i had 6 dreams. This is really weird for me because normally i don't dream in my sleep. It could be stress or something else bothering me thats caused me to have these dreams because when ever i am stressed or bothered by something i do weird stuff in my sleep.. like sleep walking.. and talking... ANYWAY, so as i said i had six dreams last night but the weird thing was they were all pretty much the sam kind of dream just with different people in different places. In each dream a girl tried to get me to have sex with her(odd eh?), i had to tell every1 i was gay(the people in my dreams were either people i haven't told yet or i have no idea who they are), a really hot guy flirts with me... he was different in each dream but they were all around my age, a party takes place and during the party the guy kisses me.. the place where the guy kisses me is different in each dream but it is always at or during the party. I woke up right after the guy kissed me in each dream and then i went back to sleep and i end up having another dream... i only knew who the guy was in one of the dreams.. in the last one... it was my best friend for like 8 years who i haven't seen or talked to in about 3(we just drifted apart theres no hard feelings or anything... he never knew i was gay and was homophobic). In the dreams there were 3 colours that were everywhere.. white, black and brown... mostly white though... each time i got kissed it was in a white room... one was a bathroom and another was a white living room on a white couch etc etc

Its weird... on my moms side of the family we have this lil thing where we will dream about something a lot and then it happens... i wouldn't be bringing this up normally because people look at me weird when i tell them and i'm having a party tonight... in fact people will be comming here in 4 hours so i decided that if this was me just having another dream that has nothing to do with anything then so be it but if i developed my moms lil habit of seeing the future in her sleep then well i'll tell you tommorrow when i write another one of these saying how the party went.

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

WOW.. its noon... i have barely gotten any sleep, i have been up since 7 am.. i went to bed at 4 am lol... my party was a blast. So it started out slow.. every1 was late a couple new faces showed up but mostly the same people, we got the booze and put on the music and every1 started having fun. There was a really hot guy that came with a couple of other guys i knew.. didn't know em... slim build, twinky gino, brown hair and an adorable smile... i didn't get a chance to talk to him till a lil after we made out *coughes*. We were playing drinking games at first.. then when every1 was drunk a game of truth or dare started, i wasn't in the room when it started but once i got there every1 made me play... the problem was... i'm REALLY shy and they wanted me to give the guy a lap dance and i couldn't cus i was too shy and well i dunno how to give a lap dance lol, instead they made me give this other guy a kiss.. which wasn't cool cus i'm not attracted to the guy at all and he was as shy as me and i didn't want anything to happen and yeah i felt like an idiot... later the hot guy got me to sit beside him and he put his legs up accross my lap... and of course cus i was so bashfull before they dared me to make out with him, he was all for it because he is a slutty drunk it seems and i was all for it because i wanted to jump him from the start so we made out for 10 seconds... i would have kept goin but there were too many people watching and laughing that i started to laugh.. then he ended up laying accross me and i got to talk to him a lil more... then my friend was dared to make out with me, him, and another friend(i know what ur all thinking.. all these dares are making out.. and yes you are right... that is all it was and i don't mind a bit) so yeah i made out with my friend. I also spent a lot of the night picking up every1 shorter than me.

so yeah thats the jist of the highlights of my party... it was overall a blast.. but now i'm fucking horny as hell and i need to get laid.

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

so last night i spent 4 hours working on my gallery.. 4 HOURS... i uploaded some new pictures and i organised my gallery into 3 new galleries to make it easier to view.. and so when i update them it will be easier for me(and yes i will update because i look at porn almost everyday and save whichever pics really get me going).... also on a non porn related subject i updated my art gallery and put some more pics of my stuff in... i need to get a scanner so i can get my good stuff online from my sketchbook and most of the pics aren't very good quality because i took them with my web cam. OH and an interesting thing happened today.. my mom came downstairs and yelled at me for who was here on the weekend(i thought to myself "crap i'm busted") i asked her why what was wrong and she told me there is a condom outside... i thought i knew where it was from because this guy at my party opened up a mint flavoured condom to taste ithe also inflated it and let me have a taste .. so i figured that was it.. then she told me it was a used condom... i told her i dunno bout that.. asked her what colour it was she said blue.. the mint condom was green so i told her i have no idea where it was from then i asked where she found it and she told me it was on the mat outside the front door.. and well it wasn't there on sunday when i went out to make sure there weren't any bottles outside and everything was ok while i was doing clean up... so the way it seems is some jerk threw a used condom at our front door which is the second thing like this to happen in a month(our house was egged a couple weeks ago) i don't know why this stuff is happeneing now.. but i'm starting to worry that maybe some jerk on my street figured out i was gay cus my friends are a bit flaming and now has decided to start harrassing me... i hope thats not the case, if it is then this is the first time i have ever really been picked on for being gay.. i'm probably just over analyizing though....

ok i'll stop now because i started to ramble on lol
CHECK OUT MY GALLERIES i'd like to hear what people have to say.. also i haven't figured out how to make a new post and ask what people think(i know i sound dumb but i figured out how to do everything else on my own)

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

I was talking to my ex again last night.. seeing whats new and yadda yadda... well he told me had has 2 boyfriends now(he meant fuck buddies) and that they know about eachother and he calls them both up and has 3sums with them.... when he said that I was so shocked and appauled and jealous and SOOO many other emotions just shot throught me at the same time... for one when we were dating he used to make me feel like i am a bad person because i want to experiment and try just about anything once.. including 3sums and he used to make me feel like shit because he said he would never do a 3sum because he is against the whole being with more than one person thing.. and now he has 2 fuck buddies who he has 3sums with.. like what the fuck is that.... next he was telling me he lost the lil belly he had(which never bothered me i thought it was cute) and has a lil bit of muscle deffineition and that he is getting a lot more attention from really hot guys... what made me sad about that is well.. i don't feel like i am hot at all.. he used to tell me that i am so hot.. even after we broke up but now that he lost his little belly and these guys are hitting on him he doesn't even flirt with me anymore so i'm starting to feel ugly.. and another thing.. why couldn't he fool around with me.. like god damn it i want sex too and he wanted to still fool around with me after we broke up and i wanted to but he had hurt me by dumping me out of the blue especially for the stupid... "i don't have room in my life right now for a relationship but i still love u" bullshit. He wasn't a good boyfriend... but i still loved him and its sad because if he asked i would take him back in a heart beat... i want to see him again... i want to hear his voice... i want to taste his lips... i just want him and its killing me inside that he lost interest in me.. i feel like i wasn't enough for him because i'm a lil chubby and i want to lose the weight and put on muscle but i don't have any cash and i need some help like moral support which i have just realised i don't get much of... like my best friends don't comfort me and my gay friends just tell me to go get laid. i'm just so self concious... i hate taking off my shirt... and i feel gross most of the time... i'm tired of people saying i'm hot or cute but thats it, like i don't get hit on very often(in person at least... online is another matter) i really don't know whats wrong with me...... and i'm really upset at how much of a whore my ex has become.... oh also since my ex dumped me i started drinking(not often, but i used to never drink) and i tried weed(i'm highly against drugs) and i've done stuff that i would have never done before i met him.. like throw house parties and fool around with people i don't know and i just don't like how much of an impact this guy has made on my life.... i've never felt like this before... and i used to rarely cry.. now i cry like once a week.. and i just hate emotions

 

[puka-pride]

if u hadn't noticed i figured out how to post my own threads in the forums(yay me) i figured it out by myself... i have had this account for almost a year.. made it back when it was linkmeallover and i wasn't really interested in posting about 1 month ago but i couldn't figure out how to do it and so i just worked on my gallery and blog instead... this is a really good way to vent my emotions... well this and my art.... i have some really emotional artwork in my sketchbook........ anyway.. i rearranged my bedroom the other day because i have been having a hard time sleeping and figured maybe i just needed some form of change, now i have most of my painting hung up on the wall and its like a gallery sorta... i love the way it is now.. its a lot more mature than before even though my ceiling is still coverd in dragonball z posters i also have a date next week with a really hot guy i'm hoping that maybe it will cheer me up.. and who knows maybe i'll actually be happy for the first time in 4 months... wish me luck

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

Last night I went clubbing with my friends like i do every month. I love to go clubbing but I am the oldest out of all of my gay friends and since I'm not about to go alone I wait for the all ages night (most of the people that go are between 16 and 22)... it's a lot of fun usually... last night though something was wrong in the world

It started out great.. before the club opened me and my friends were hanging out in a coffee shop where we ran into a couple more of our friends and everything was cool... then when we were waiting in line my friend I met in high school showed up with one of our mutual friend that we met at a party last year and they were smashed out of their minds drunk.. it was really funny and pretty cool because my friend has just recently come out about being bi... she told me she was when I came out to her but no one else knew till like the past month and yeah she was really open about it now probably because she was so drunk... later I get in the club and all of a sudden I started to get REALLY sleepy.... about a half hour later.. maybe more i'm not sure I go to the bathroom to check my hair while my friend uses my cell phone and theres a huge scratch on my nose and its all red.. I don't know when or how it happened so I just cleaned up the blood(there wasn't much) and fixed my hair and went back out... about an hour goes by and i'm getting more and more sleepy... I wasn't even in the mood to dance. All my friends were telling me I looked mad or upset and I don't know why. Then later I started to feel really ugly for some reason.. maybe it was because I'm overweight and everyone around me is slim or muscular accept the girls.. but who cares about the girls lol anyway i was seeing all these hot guys everywhere and of coarse i'm too chicken to ask them to dance. By around 11:30 (the club opens at 9 on all ages night) my eyes started to close... I was having a hard time keeping them open so my friends got me to get some red bull or something to wake me up.. didn't kick in for an hour.. in that time one of my friends caught this stuffed animal and won a prize and another one of my friends got drunk at the bar(he is 22) so he was all umm drunk like.. and i went to the bathroom to make sure i wasn't still bleeding and there were guys making out in the stalls... I was starting to get depressed, another friend started to feel really sick and left with a couple other people to go home.. then the drink kicked in and I was awake so I danced for a bit till a guy I know came up to me and said my friend(the guy that was getting drunk) was looking for me... so i went looking for him everywhere and I couldn't find him anywhere he was in the drinking area(I didn't get a wristband because i don't drink much) well when i finally got to talk to him he was really drunk and REALLY depressed.. he has a boyfriend and the relationship was going sour because his boyfriend was drifting from him and he ended up getting drunk at my party last week and fooling around with my other friend who was alos drunk.. at the time I had slapped both of them and did my best to make sure they wouldn't do anything but when I went to bed(a couple people spent the night) they ended fooling around(when I went to bed they were both passed out so I figured it didn't have to put them in separate rooms) well this really upset both of them the next day one because he wasn't attracted to the other guy at all and only liked him at the time because he was so drunk.. the other because he has a boyfriend and really loves him even though his boyfriend doesn't seem to love him back.... well back to last night.. my friend told me how he felt really used by my other friend and so I gave him a big hug and he started to cry.... he calmed down but 2 min later he needed another hug... so we ended up leaving about 10 minutes later.... when we left the club my friend that won the prize dumped his boyfriend(thank god the guy was an asshole and gross... and a drunk) another friend was all upset because a guy he liked wouldn't dance with him but danced with some1 else and then got head IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLUB from someone... I thought that was disgusting like I'm not against fooling around in public... as long as no one can see you.. but to do something like that with people everywhere is just wrong... when we got to the car i had to teach my friend how to clean off ice and snow from a windsheild because he was really bad at it and we went to tim hortons and 3 of us(the drunk friend was dropped back off at the club) just talked for a while about the night and everything and then i got home and came online to check my mail... and who is online... my ex... and i'm talking to him for almost 3 hours.. and it was the way we used to talk when we were dating.. it felt good to talk with him like that again. Headed to bed around 5:30 am.

so yeah it was an interesting night.. a lot happened.. and most of it was bad... yet again I wasn't hit on which isn't anything new for me.. my friends had a bad night too..... and people were acting really slutty.. more slutty than normal.... odd eh?

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

Its friday night... its 9 pm and yet again I'm home alone feeling like shit. I haven't had a good week.. more men treat me like my feelings don't matter... my parents were driving me nuts and I just had a bad time all week. Life sucks... yesturday a straight friend of mine was flirting with me for some reason and thats the closest thing to feeling good I have experienced all week. This morning I woke up and there is a scratch on my eye lid which is causing me a lot of discomfort because its really sore and hurts every time I blink. I just feel really lonely today and I just want a hug no questions asked... a massage would be nice to because my back hurts.
tommorrow night I'm having another party... and its cool because it turns out I have become the talk of the town... A lot of people are talking about how great my parties are and how excited they are that I am having another one.. feels good to know people talk about me positively.
I'm gonna be spending the rest of my lonely friday night cleaning my house.... good times.
I don't know what else I should write about now so I'm done

-jeff-

 

[puka-pride]

Last night I met up with a guy from my msn... we were gonna have a coffee and talk. I get to the coffee shop and we see eachother.. he was a lot taller than I thought he'd be but a lot hotter in person.. which is surprising because he was really hot just from the pics I saw... the place was packed with people so we decided instead we will go to the bar down the street... the bar was packed to.. we ended up just walking around square one(its a huge mall) talking about whatever. It was great, I was so nervous and shy though..I did my best to hold up a conversation which is hard for me to do when I first meet someone because I'm so shy... we walked and talked and flirted for 2 hours. The mall was closing so we decided to go and sit in his car and talk some more... which we did... then we started driving around and ended up close to my house and since it he had to go soon because he had to wake up at 6 am the next morning he said we should just call it a night, I said ok... though I really wanted to say I didn't want him to go so soon lol. We stopped at a red light and I just looked at him.. and then I leaned in and kissed him. He said I am a good kisser and I taste good.... so at the next red light I gave him another taste. He decided he changed his mind and decided to stay a while longer.. so we were looking for places to park the car and umm get to know eachother better... we ended up parking in the church parking lot*coughes*
we kissed some more and I suggested we go to the back seat to be more comfortable....
About an hour and a half later I had a huge smile on my face and he had to really get home... because he was late lol... so he drove me home and I kissed him goodnight and I haven't stopped smiling since.
All i have to say is it was the best night I have had in a VERY long time and I hope I'm gonna see him again so I have a reason to smile again.

 

[puka-pride]

well its been a week since my last entry, where I was mentioning a guy. Well last Friday I was talking to him and he told me he got back together with his ex AND that I was pretty much a one nighter(how do I find these guys). Christmas eve was weird.. usually we have dinner with my dads side of the family but my grandpa died in september(the day before my birthday) and so with all the problems from that like with my grandmother in a nursing home now because no one can take care of her, we postponed the Christmas dinner and will be having it on new years day... for those of you lucky enough to have been on my yahoo you all got a Christmas present you won't soon forget (it was a one time thing). Christmas day... I come downstairs.. my mom hand me GTA San Andreas and says there is no pint wrapping it because I picked it out.. then I went for my stocking.. what a bounty... I got 3 spongebob squarepants pez dispensers(spongebob, patrick, squidwart) a couple scratch tickets(won $5), beef jerky, 4 packs of gum, chapstick, and goats milk soap(it makes your skin feel soooo soft). My sister bought my lotr3 special edition(yay) and my other sister gave me $40. Later that day we went to my cetas like we usually do for xmas.... opened our presents from them... I got a clock/radio that goes in the shower... which is really handy if i wanna listen to music while I'm fooling around with a guy in there and its also handy so my sister can see the time when she is in there(tick tock tick tock) I also got a white t shirt 2 sizes too big which I will be returning and $20. After one of the best dinners there ever was(that which is my cetas cooking) I'm sitting on the couch and I hear my aunt talking.. they are talking about work gloves my dad gets from his work and how they are too big for my cetas hands... my aunt says "well of coarse they are too big they are meant for men to wear men have bigger hands then women." then she added "And there probably isn't any faeries on the line".. my uncle says "theres bound to be some faeries in there." Well suffice it to say I wasn't happy... they don't know about me so I couldn't just say something and no one else was saying something so I just sat there and had to listen to this bullshit.
Anyway sunday i started to play san andreas a lil... its fun . Monday my folks left for the cottage at 11 am... I went and got some porn(no parents means more porn) and was working on my party plans... and playing a lot more san andreas*is addicted*. Well my plans for the party are shot.. my friend told everyone my party will be on Wednesday instead of Tuesday so everyone I know (the usuals at my party) got Wednesday off work and now that my friend knows I can't have the party on Wednesday he feels like a dumbass... who knows who can come.. it will be a surprise if anyone shows up now... and I know what your all thinking.. why not Wednesday... well the answer is my sister got pregnant(moron) and on Wednesday she is having an abortion even thought her bf wants to keep it(she is gonna tell him she had a miscarrage) she can't have the baby because she isn't married.. she is in SO much debt its not funny and she still lives at home.. and her bf has the same problems. Anyway I assume that she isn't gonna want a bunch of drunken fags running around the house being loud after what she is gonna do.

so yeah considering how often I get to see my gay friends(only when my folks aren't home because my dad doesn't know about me) life is great eh........

 

[puka-pride]

Well I haven't been on here much in the past while... I'm sure none of you even noticed. I don't even remember when my last blog left off so I'll just go with whats been happening the past month.

To start off I met up with a guy from Brazil twice... no sex.. a lot of making out though.. he is really sweet and cute.. shy and quiet... actually brought out a lot of confidence in me being around him.. he is leaving toronto next week might never come back because he was only here for school he says he might be back for a vacation or something because he knows he is gonna miss toronto.. so hopefully he will and we will meet up again.

A straight friend of mine has been comming on to me since the holidays ended and 2 weeks ago added me to msn and told me he was bi and that he wasn't just teasing me.. that he really is attracted to me. Well since he told me, me and him have been getting closer and closer but other than wrestling and cuddling nothing has happened because we have yet to be alone in a room... he is really hot and great to cuddle with.. it almost felt like we were dating though I am positive we aren't since he doesn't do relationships... well we planned out yesterday that today we were gonna finally fool around a little but last night he tells me he won't see me today because he is gonna be meeting up with some chick.. and that he was sorry that he was cancelling yadda yadda blah blah whatever... (and yes I know this wasn't gonna be anything serious)

OK now for the bigger news... last week i talked to my ex.. I finally told him how I felt... that I didn't know who he was anymore, that he has changed so much since we dated and it makes me uncomfortable talking to him... he asked why.. and I told him its because he has become such a slut..........
WELL I was wrong.... he didn't talk to me for 10 minutes.. then he said to me.. he hasn't changed at all.. so I confronted him about all the men he has been with since me... and he finally told the truth to me.... he was lying about all the men he was with because he didn't want me to know he still loved me and that he missed me and that he was with one guy since me but they didn't do anything but kiss a bit and it made him uncomfortable because he still liked me.... well before he told me the truth I knew I still loved him but that I would never get him again so I opened the field and whatever... then after he told me.. all the feelings came back... I couldn't believe how happy I was.. we talked on the phone till 5 am like we used to when we were dating and I was happy... the next day we talked again.. till 5 in the morning again.. but the conversation was different. I knew we couldn't get back together because his life was too hectic(which was why we had to break up) but I asked him would he want me back if he didn't have that stuff in the way.. he said yes he would... but then told me it wouldn't be long term though... all of a sudden he has decided he one day wants a wife and kids... well as you can guess I felt crushed again... like he told me he was bi... but honestly I didn't believe him because he likes dick so much. When he said he wanted a wife one day I believed him though... so I've decided I have to move on... no matter what because he is gonna hurt me(more).

OK now for the non relationship talk.... my straight friends have been hanging out with me a lot more this past month its been a lot of fun(I don't get to see my friends often since they all live far away and its fucking cold outside) the problem is their personalities are rubbing off on me.. which means I have been talking like an asshole to everyone and just making fun of a lot of people... today even I was shooting out disses like there was no tommorrow.

A Friend of mine is scaring me.. he is starting to get into drugs... he started to use e and well it scares me... I don't see him often enough that I can stop him and it hasn't been getting in the way of his school or anything but he barely remembers anything after he has done it.. I don't see how anyone would want that... I like remembering things that happen it would drive me nuts if I couldn't remember what I did the night before(BTW I refuse to do drugs)

OK well you've read enough... I give you props just for getting this far hope you at least enjoyed what you read... a lot more happened in the past while that I didn't mention because this is much too lengthy...

toodles
-jeff-

P.S. ew did I just type toodles?

 

[puka-pride]

well last Saturday night I was talking to that straight guy I mentioned in my last blog... and I was being an ass to him.. short answers.. barely talking... he finally asked what was wrong. I told him nothing.... then he said "I expect honesty in a relationship"

ok well..... this was my face (*U*) and i was like...... rela...what?

this is when he informed me.. me and him have been dating for a week...

I had no idea... sure it felt like we were dating..kinda... but there wasn't any sign that we were dating other than the cuddling

So then I asked him that if we are dating what the fuck was up with him blowing me off on friday to go fool around with a girl(I mean seriously.. cheating on me the day before I even find out I have been dating the guy?) so he tells me that I shouldn't worry... that he isn't chasing ass.. just pussy... so yeah wow.. that made me feel so much better(sarcasm)

then I asked him that if this meant we were in an open relationship... he got all defensive and asked if I was gonna cheat on him... lol of coarse he is gonna wanna be able to go fuck whoever he wants and I'd be there waiting for him to be with me and not getting any myself.. yeah right... so I told him off.... and he scrambled... saying that he isn't ready to be tied down to one person and that it scares him.. in 5 different ways... and I told him thats ok.. but that if he wants to be allowed to fuck whoever... then I get the same deal.

so now me and him are in an "open relationship"(how fucked up is that?) which isn't something I'm really interested in but its better than me and him considering eachother just fuck buddies(even though we haven't done anything yet)


God this shit is fucked up... lmao

 

[puka-pride]

well this is my thoughts on how a god could exist and why he would do the things he does...

the god would have been created at the start of existence... just an infant and the planet was covered in volcanoes and what not because the baby god wouldn't stop being fussy... as he grew he calmed down and the planet developed... then he wanted toys to play with so he created life... as he grew his need for bigger better toys grew and the dinosaurs were made around when he was the equivalent of a 4 year old..... by the time he was 6-7 he was getting into the phase where he liked to break his toys b4 realizing they would be gone forever.. but he sent a meteor anyway.... he eventually made more toys... smaller toys but with more functions like karate chop action..... by the time he was 10 he started getting awkward and moody... and drowned all his toys but his favorites.... his toys got dull.. he played war with them and what not... soon he brought a new toy to the world.... but he got bored and forgot about all the toys.. now he is a teenager and doesn't care what happens to the toys

 

[puka-pride]

so far this valentines has been horrible... I woke up depressed and it hasn't gone away. Its been raining all day and the news says it will be until about midnight tonight. I don't know where my bf is... I haven't seen or heard from him yet today so god knows what the hell is going on with that.... my feet are cold.. my friends live too far from me to hang out with now.. all the TV shows are valentine specials... thats just boring... there is nothing to do


just a shitty day

 

[puka-pride]

lol OK this is abut the fact that I haven't really written a blog lately so well because I know your all interested in my pitiful life I shall indulge you all.

So because blackwolf mentioned he didn't know I have been dating someone I decided to clarify... I've been seeing this guy for about a month now.. I did mention before that I didn't know I was dating him the first week.. anyway its been going ok.. this past week its been a little shaky but otherwise its been good.
We haven't had sex yet.. in fact we have barely done anything its almost entirely sweet romantic kisses and a lot of cuddling... I have done stuff with him and he is huge... kinda scared about that because he is mostly a top. Me and this guy have seen each other almost everyday and we have the same friends.. the problem is we are almost never alone and the longest we have been alone together is a half hour so its kinda hard.

 

[puka-pride]

My best friend Mo and I were hanging out today.. I spent a shit load of money and got Chinese food.... my other friends were hung out with us too but they didn't eat much... anyway.. i ate a lot.. and Chinese food makes me high as a kite... I don't know why but it makes me sooooo hyper/tired/loud its like I'm drunk or high and people point it out too.. well after I ate three times my stomachs capacity in Chinese food we all went out to Toronto and went to a couple bars... wow.. it was a lot of fun..... I really needed it I hadn't had that kind of fun in a while it was great... I got to know my friend's bf and turns out he is a really great guy even though his first impression made me think he was the lowest scum on earth.

good times

 

[puka-pride]

well its not like he is dying... but I'm still sad that he is going

I've been dating him for almost 2 months... so far the relationship has been great.. its supposedly an open relationship but neither of us have been with any1 else while we've been dating.

sexually its been going slow.. very very slow... mostly do to the fact we are rarely alone together.. the fact that we have barely done anything and the way he acts shows he really cares about me a lot and isn't just some guy using me it also leads me to jerking off a lot more lol

it hurts because I know he cares a lot for me.. and I care a lot for him... but the way his life is now we can't be together..... his family life is awful and I won't get into the details because its his life and you don't need to know.. its just that it has gotten so bad at his home that he is moving away... very far away to live with his mom.... IN NOVA SCOTIA.. since I live near toronto... and he is moving to nova scotia our relationship is pretty much over..

he is gonna stay there to finish high school(he is in his last year) and to go to college he says he will move back here when he is finished college so maybe we will pick up where we left off.. and I will see him again when he comes to visit his dad and step mom.

Today might have been the last time I see him for a long time he is leaving later this week but is so busy we might not get to see each other b4 he leaves I'm just depressed now that we didn't get the time to really be with each other you know... intimately though I have seen him nakey... huge dick and amazing ass btw...

bah

 

[puka-pride]

Last night was the worst experience I have ever had... I have been feeling really stressed out and depressed lately for many reasons, one is because my bf is moving away to nova scotia. So I woke up yesterday feeling like shit about it so I took a bubble bath because it aways makes me feel better and it did.. I came downstairs listened to loud music and felt a lot better.. then I talked to my bf, he hadn't left yet because something happened.. he wouldn't tell me what I'm assuming it has to do with his dad being a prick.. he was really pissed off and didn't tell me why he wasn't gone yet because he didn't wanna get more pissed and then take it out on me.. so I left it at that.. he said hopefully he would be on the way to nova sctoia that night and I said I'll miss him and what not.

Later that night.. around 7pm I hadn't heard from him or seen him online so I assumed he had left already or was about to leave so I was really out of it.. I made my dinner and started eating it while watching andromeda.. I let my sisters bf in... he came downstairs.. I was sitting at the computer table watching the show and he asked if I was playing halo 2... I said no and noticed my friends Xbox that I am borrowing from him was on... he put it on tv video and it was spiderman 2... the game he was playing the night before... he swears he shut it off when he was done playing but I dunno how it was on. he took it off tv video right when my show was coming back on from commercial... he asked if he could play spiderman I said no I'm watching tv.... he put it on any way and said I'm gonna play it anyway you can't do anything about it... well this pissed me off.. but if any of you knew me you would know I'm completely non violent and I rarely confront people or argue with them unless I have to... so thats what I did... I did nothing and finished eating my dinner... then I was bored so I started making fun of how shitty at the game he is... of course he would take it out on the game for being stupid.. I mean thats what any ignorant Neanderthal would do right?

Oh if you wanted to know... my sisters bf has the personality of that stereotypical ignorant dumbass football playing bully you always see in tv and movies about high school.

Anyway he finally got mad at the game enough he shut it off and said ok you can watch your show now, whoopdeedoo my show had just finished 5 min before he shut it off.. he thought it was hilarious, I was annoyed by him. He decides he is gonna put in one of the sports games.. says watching it will make me a real man because well he thinks because I'm gay and find sports boring to watch that I'm not a man.... he opened the case and there wasn't anything in it so he got all pissed off that the game he wanted to play was still at his house*smirk* I said "oh thats too bad I'd rather watch tv"... he put in another sports game he brought and I got more annoyed. He put the tv on while the game was loading and put it on the sports channel... which made me more annoyed(see a pattern forming?)... he put back on the game and like 5 minutes later he said something like "see this is so much better than the shit you guys play" I told him "it really isn't" and he said "this is real life buddy" I told him " no it isn't its just a game like any other game" and he put the tv on to the sports again and said "well its either that or you'll have to watch this" I said "I don't have to watch anything you put on.. this is my house and I could just kick you out if I wanted" well he got defensive and said "you can't kick me out I don't have to do anything you say your sister wants me here."

well my sister wasn't home.. she didn't get off work till 9 so she wouldn't be home till about 9:30 and it was only 8...

I then said.. "you don't think I could kick you out?" he of course said " no you can't do a thing to get me to leave I'm here to stay" so to freak him out I picked up the phone and called my mom who had gone up to the cottage with my dad earlier that day.. I had meant to call her because she hadn't called to tell me she was there which she usually does... so she picks up and I started to have small talk with her.... him all the while saying "you can't do shit... your mom isn't gonna do anything.. etc etc" well she heard him and asked if he was pissing me of I said he was and she said that I should just leave it alone like I always do and I started to yell at him to shut up she asked me whats wrong.. I told her you know damn well whats wrong.. she thought I meant him.. but I told her it isn't him and she said "Oh.. ok I know what this is about"(meaning its about my bf moving away and me being depressed) she then told me it would be ok and let me go.... I hung up the phone and my sisters bf started going on " SEE? SEE? you can't do nothing.. you can't kick me out..."

Well... I snapped.... "SHUT THE FUCK UP ***** GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE" he said no.. Sooooo I went over to the tv and took his game off and said " get the fuck out of here" He said " your only acting like this because your gay" then told me while he was putting his game away "you know I have no problem telling your father your a fag so you better watch yourself...." I told him if he told him he would never be allowed back in my house again he said he could be here if he wanted and that no one can stop him... then said " the only reason I haven't told him yet is because of your sister... I don't give a fuck about you and your sister will side with me about this" I told him she wouldn't... he tried to bet me $100 that my sister would pick him over me I would have accepted but I don't even have $100 so he said he wasn't gonna bet me.. the lil chicken shit.... then he calls my sister... says to her that when she gets home she is gonna have to have a lil talk with me about him(oh hell yeah we do) then hangs up the phone and come over to me... says "I'm not afraid to hit you you know... I can do whatever I want you can't do shit about it.... (while heading up the stairs) I'm gonna be here all night.. and you can't do anything about it fagot... I don't even care how you feel queer" then he went off yelling through my house " FAGOT FAGOT QUEER COCKSUCKER FAG QUEER FAGOT... etc..."

the stress got to me.... and I broke down I knew I was about to cry I was holding back as much as I can and called my mom to try and calm down... the worst thing happened.... my dad answered the phone and I could barely ask to talk to my mom.. he gave it to her and I burst out crying I couldn't even say a word and she told me it was ok(she couldn't hear him) and then said she was gonna call my other sister for me.

I couldn't stop crying and he was still going on screaming fagot.. so I called Mo who is living with my Friends parents because her mom kicked her out for standing up for her brother because her brother is gay and her mom thinks its a sin... so I asked to talk to mo and she answered and I could barely stop crying long enough to ask her to come over... she told me she'd be here as fast as she could and hung up the phone... I went to the bathroom to look in the mirror and try and calm down but I couldn't.... the phone rang. it was my sister(the one dating the asshole) and I barely could say hello... she was trying to calm me down... at this point he stopped screaming fag and had turned the tv up loud upstairs so he couldn't hear me crying and she said she'd be home soon and made sure I had someone coming over for me... 5 minutes later my mom calls back and says she told my dad about me said he seems to be taking it well and asked if I wanted to talk to him... I said I didn't want to talk to him when I'm like this and I overheard him in the background saying he doesn't want to talk to me.... mo got there about 10 min later and I was calming don a lil and she just held me she asked what happened and I pointed to my msn... my msn was going crazy because I had put my msn name to I can't stop crying and my dad now knows I'm gay because I needed someone to help me stop
she saw the name and thought I was crying because of my dad.. which had become part of the reason I was crying...

I calmed down after like 10 min of mo holding me and we went upstairs to make her dinner because she hadn't eaten yet... we had bacon and toast. she had eggs with hers.. and my sister came home and asked me to tell her what happened so I told her... and she sides with me on the subject... the problem now is he is taking it out on her for what happened and lately she has been as bad as I am.... everyone important in my life is the same... our lives are in the shitter and all of us are on the brink of crying all the time.

now... later I'm on msn telling every1 that messaged me that I was ok and my bf signs on... I say hey and I asked him why he hasn't left yet(they would have been driving to nova scotia which is like a 2 day drive I think) he says its all fucked up at his house he doesn't know when he is going anymore and that he might be here till next week(made me happier) so if he is still here I can see him again on monday... I told him what happened and he wants to come over with a baseball bat to beat the shit out of my sisters bf but I told him not to because well... I don't like real violence... video game violence is the best tho

so yeah... mo spent the night and that was my friday night.... fun eh?

 

[puka-pride]

so if you have been reading my blogs like you should be at this point then you'd know that because of the fight and breakdown I had this past friday that my dad now knows I'm gay...

suffice it to say he handled my grandfathers death better than he is handling me coming out to him... it doesn't look like he is gonna be kicking me out or disowning me which is a good sign and my mom is being very supportive reassuring him that its not either of their faults and I was born this way it wasn't a choice...

so far everyone is being supportive because one way or another most of my friends found out about it and my breakdown.... it scared everyone I know and every single person wants to take a baseball bat to my sisters B's face... ESPECIALLY my bf who has yet to leave for nova Scotia because of reasons I wont get into.

and yeah I have no job... I have no money... so if I do get kicked out I'm screwed..... if anyone has a job they can get me or a bundle of money under their bed then by all means please hand it over