Question for bottoms in relationships: How do you prepare for sex?

[lurker]

This question is for any bottom in a relationship.

How do you prepare for sex with your boyfriend?

In my case, my boyfriend and I don't live together. I sleep over at his house at least once a week, which is usually on a Sunday night. I know that, because I am sleeping over, there is a chance that we might have sex... so I shower at his place, clean out my ass, and get ready to bottom before we go to bed, at least an hour or two before our bedtime.

Now here's the frustrating thing: Sometimes, he doesn't want sex. Sometimes, he says he's "too tired," "too full from dinner," or whatever other reason.

I know I can't force him to have sex when he doesn't want to have it, but sometimes I feel hurt, rejected, frustrated, and unattractive when I spend all this time getting ready for sex -- from showering to cleaning my ass out -- only for him to say that he's "too tired" for sex.

The other night, I tried initiating sex, only to be told that he was too tired...

It's frustrating. We barely get to see each other because of our work schedules, and this night is usually the only night I can sleep over and spend time with him. Sometimes I don't even masturbate for a whole week because I want to be super horny for him when we do have sex. (When I don't jack off, it's easier for me to cum hands-free when he fucks me, which is incredible... but anyway...)

He has a low sex drive to begin with, and I am 100% confident that he is not cheating on me, because he stated in the beginning of our relationship that we are monogamous and I trust him completely.

I am just frustrated. I prepare myself for sex whenever I'm over at his house, because I want to be ready for sex when we do have it... only to not have it! Because he's too tired! Ugh it's so frustrating sometimes!

I've brought this issue to his attention before and the only thing he can say is that he is sorry, but that it's how he is: he has a low sex drive, and sometimes he's just not in the mood for sex. And he said that whenever I'm horny it's a "man's duty" to be able to relieve himself and jack off if necessary.

I don't plan on leaving him due to the lack of sex, because our relationship excels in other areas; we have an incredible friendship and we make each other laugh... but I'm just trying to get used to our different sex drives.

How do you bottoms do it? How do you handle getting ready for sex, expecting sex, only to be told that you can't have it?

 

[Maklaar13]

It happens in all relationships, that is why it is really important not to dissolve yourself into the relationship and completely lose yourself. Whether is only saving sex for when you are with him (no masturbation) or stop doing things that you really enjoy, remember that you are together because you are attracted to each other and like each other as a person. Must remember to find pleasure on your own whether is sex or other activities. I have been there too, but luckily I was able to realize and analyze the mechanics of our relationship, it is a lot of work like building a house, if you never tidy up or fix things that need attention, it will fall apart. Hope this helps.

 

[checkinthingsout]

Have you suggested him using a dildo on you instead of actually having sex? Or maybe even both of you not jack off until Sunday and you can make it a game of will power?
Is he pretty old? Maybe Viagra?

I think he should be a little bit more considerate. It isn't about just "getting off". Sex between people in a relationship IMO is also about physically connecting to someone you like/love. How can you guys do that when the 1 night a week you guys are able to be together, he is tired?

If he is not jacking off during the week and he is too young to be using Viagra, he might be cheating like spanishguy said...

 

[lurker]

Have you suggested him using a dildo on you instead of actually having sex? Or maybe even both of you not jack off until Sunday and you can make it a game of will power?

We always talk about it but never actually tried it yet! What's interesting is that my boyfriend actually gave me his dildo! He's a total top and tried to bottom, but said it just wasn't for him, so he gave me his dildo as a present... haha... but I gave it back to him because it was way too fucking big and it hurt, and I never actually got off on it, haha

Is he pretty old? Maybe Viagra?

I think he should be a little bit more considerate. It isn't about just "getting off". Sex between people in a relationship IMO is also about physically connecting to someone you like/love. How can you guys do that when the 1 night a week you guys are able to be together, he is tired?

He's 26 and I'm 25, so I don't consider ourselves old, but I know that he jacks off a lot. He's shown me some of the porn sites he looks at, and he admitted to jacking off before bed to help him go to sleep. He usually does this every night, or every other night.

The fact that he usually jacks off before bed is the reason why I try to have sex with him before we sleep, because my reasoning is if he jacks off before bed, he can certainly have sex instead with me, right? And usually it works, because right before bedtime is usually where I have the highest success rate for sex with my boyfriend.

I've honestly considered asking him to maybe stop jacking off for a while to see how horny he'd be and maybe he'd be more inclined to have sex with me once we do finally get together, but I don't wanna feel like I'm asking him to stop doing something he likes to do. I'll certainly bring this up next time we talk.

If he is not jacking off during the week and he is too young to be using Viagra, he might be cheating like spanishguy said...

As for this, I'm lying if I say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but I am completely sure that he isn't cheating on me, for several reasons:

1. My boyfriend told me that his ex of a few years cheated on him the day he told his ex that he loved him. We discussed cheating before, and my boyfriend said he's not the type to cheat because he knows what it feels like to be cheated on.
2. He's always home if he's not at work or doing errands, doesn't like going to bars and clubs, and despises the "gay scene" here in Vegas... plus he would rather sit around and watch TV shows on Netflix and Hulu than go out to a bar or club and drink.
3. His work schedule is usually 4p-12a, or 5p-1a, which means when he gets off work, he goes straight home to relax. Even when he was single, he was always too lazy to actually go out to someone's house and hook up with them.
4. He deleted Grindr and all other hookup apps from his phone a few months into our relationship, and to this day, still doesn't have any of those apps on his phone.

But trust me, I've considered the possibility that if he IS cheating on me and IF I FIND OUT, I am leaving him, no questions asked, because that's an ultimate betrayal of my trust... I just don't think that he's the type to cheat at all.

It happens in all relationships, that is why it is really important not to dissolve yourself into the relationship and completely lose yourself. Whether is only saving sex for when you are with him (no masturbation) or stop doing things that you really enjoy, remember that you are together because you are attracted to each other and like each other as a person. Must remember to find pleasure on your own whether is sex or other activities. I have been there too, but luckily I was able to realize and analyze the mechanics of our relationship, it is a lot of work like building a house, if you never tidy up or fix things that need attention, it will fall apart. Hope this helps.

I've heard this advice before and I appreciate it. I understand the part about "losing yourself" in a relationship. This is my first serious relationship and our one-year anniversary is this August. I'm trying hard not to think about this relationship too much all the time, but our differing sex drives is definitely something that we need to make compromises about, and it's always been an issue in our relationship. Oh well, he is a fantastic boyfriend in all other aspects.

 

[checkinthingsout]

He's 26 and I'm 25, so I don't consider ourselves old, but I know that he jacks off a lot. He's shown me some of the porn sites he looks at, and he admitted to jacking off before bed to help him go to sleep. He usually does this every night, or every other night.

The fact that he usually jacks off before bed is the reason why I try to have sex with him before we sleep, because my reasoning is if he jacks off before bed, he can certainly have sex instead with me, right? And usually it works, because right before bedtime is usually where I have the highest success rate for sex with my boyfriend.

I've honestly considered asking him to maybe stop jacking off for a while to see how horny he'd be and maybe he'd be more inclined to have sex with me once we do finally get together, but I don't wanna feel like I'm asking him to stop doing something he likes to do. I'll certainly bring this up next time we talk.

If he likes you, sacrificing 1 or 2 nights a week of jacking off so that you guys can have sex isn't asking a lot.

Also, are you good at sex? Make sure you bring your A game if you are going to suggest this to him lol
He needs to realize that its worth the sacrifice

Let us know how it goes!!!

 

[crubbed]

Okay, I'll share my experience with you. I was in your boyfriend's shoes. Me 25, my (ex) boyfriend in his early 20s.

A time came, about 1 month into our relationship, I lost interest in my boyfriend sexually. Maybe it's just me not being cut for relationships. Maybe it was a matter of him not being the right guy (things didn't work out well outside the bedroom either). The thing is, I was so not attracted to him that sex became really painful and exhausting. It just didn't work for me because:
A) he looked like a kid wanting a candy.
B) I didn't feel I could be open about it. In hindsight, now I know I like sex when it is wild and rough. With my ex, I didn't even feel like sharing this thought. This led to me not enjoying sex with him so much.
C) I got the feeling he was depending on me. Big turn off.
D) I was so used to porn, I still am porn-addicted I should say, so much so that I can get off only by watching different scenes and new scenarios every single time. I couldn't give up the habit. So that worked to the detriment of my relationship.
E) I am a bottom, he was a closeted bottom.

Those were the main factors, I think. In no way am I suggesting any of this should apply to your situation. But my advice is:
- don't give off the impression that you need it so badly. In fact, make it look like you can please yourself on your own ('honey I'm a bit horny, do you mind me busting a nut?' LOL he'll join in )
- be open about what you really like during sex, and make sure he feels safe sharing that information with you. Most of all make sure you are ready to hear what a person really likes in the bedroom.
- bring him to quit porn. Not by asking him to do so (that would never work). You should find a subtle way of showing him that there's something better than porn (ie: the real deal). You could drop hints like: 'I didn't have time to jerk off the whole week and now I feel so powerful', 'I realized using my hand is no longer as satisfying as it used to be' and so on). You could also watch porn together.

I hope it helps. Good luck. If it works outside the bedroom rest assured you'll find a way to make it work inside the bedroom

 

[lurker]

Those were the main factors, I think. In no way am I suggesting any of this should apply to your situation. But my advice is:
- don't give off the impression that you need it so badly. In fact, make it look like you can please yourself on your own ('honey I'm a bit horny, do you mind me busting a nut?' LOL he'll join in )
- be open about what you really like during sex, and make sure he feels safe sharing that information with you. Most of all make sure you are ready to hear what a person really likes in the bedroom.
- bring him to quit porn. Not by asking him to do so (that would never work). You should find a subtle way of showing him that there's something better than porn (ie: the real deal). You could drop hints like: 'I didn't have time to jerk off the whole week and now I feel so powerful', 'I realized using my hand is no longer as satisfying as it used to be' and so on). You could also watch porn together.

I hope it helps. Good luck. If it works outside the bedroom rest assured you'll find a way to make it work inside the bedroom

I appreciate this, thank you for sharing your story and thank you for the advice

Is it considered rude to jack off in your boyfriend's bed right after he rejects you for sex? I wanted to bust a nut right next to him last week because he was rebuffing my advances, lol, and he was already falling asleep!

I realize I can come off "needing it so badly" sometimes, especially when I only see him once a week. Getting told "I'm too tired" for sex after a whole 7 days of saving up cum is really hard to take in sometimes...

I still believe my boyfriend is attracted to me sexually, because he told me that I'm "doing just fine as a boyfriend."

My next mutual day off with him is this coming Tuesday, so that means I can sleep over on Monday night. I'll let you guys know what happens.

 

[rmfnb24]

My fiancé and I are your age. We only have sex every few months.

Ps you should plan for sex. Just let it happen

 

[crubbed]

I appreciate this, thank you for sharing your story and thank you for the advice

Is it considered rude to jack off in your boyfriend's bed right after he rejects you for sex? I wanted to bust a nut right next to him last week because he was rebuffing my advances, lol, and he was already falling asleep!

First of all, you're very welcome. Secondly, why don't you stop expecting you should fuck? If you think he might be tired just take it for granted and tell him 'honey I know you're tired but would you mind...?'. Maybe put some porn on, with the volume on, put on the most erotic show ever with lube and such aaaand... I'm sure he'll join in. Just make it something he's not obliged to take part in.

I realize I can come off "needing it so badly" sometimes, especially when I only see him once a week. Getting told "I'm too tired" for sex after a whole 7 days of saving up cum is really hard to take in sometimes...

I totally understand. That's why I regret not being that upfront with my boyfriend, he grew frustrated and very insecure because of me. But at the same time, he did not put me in the position to be honest.

I still believe my boyfriend is attracted to me sexually, because he told me that I'm "doing just fine as a boyfriend."

I'm sure you two are doing fine, but... words are just words. They don't mean much to me. Please I don't mean to be offensive. What was he supposed to tell you?

My next mutual day off with him is this coming Tuesday, so that means I can sleep over on Monday night. I'll let you guys know what happens.

Great!

Ps you should plan for sex. Just let it happen

He's a bottom, of course he has to plan for sex LOL he needs to prepare and such

 

[BiMike]

If he jacks off most days from porn it does not seem he has a low sex drive , rather that he finds that he gets greater satisfaction from doing it himself without having another person involved. Clearly there is an emotional bond between you and certainly dont think he is cheating on you. However he is not acting as a true boy friend and respecting your desires in a sexual way. As a bottom clearly you have to be prepared something which I dont expect he even considers. In view of his attitude to you it would be not act of dis-respect if you jo while lying next to him in his bed, it might just make him consider your needs more. I am afraid I could not go along with that sort of relationship far too frustrating! Try to get the opportunity to get him to see your point of view in any discussion when you can just trelax together. Best of luck but I am not sure if he will want to change his attitude to sex with another guy.

 

[lurker]

Spent the night on Monday and just wanted to update.

I got off work at 8pm on Monday, and afterwards we watched Maleficent together (which was a wonderful movie, by the way!). When we finally got to his house, we were hanging out and playing the new Mario Kart 8 that I bought for his Wii U. Around 3:30 AM, I was exhausted and fell asleep on his bed.

Fast forward to around 4:30 AM and I woke up because my boyfriend was getting ready for bed himself. At this point he only had his shorts on. He even jokingly set an alarm on my phone for 4:31 AM so I could wake up and see him because I "left him playing Mario Kart alone." I realized I was still in my jeans and t-shirt, so I took them off and cuddled with my boyfriend.

On this night he was being more intimate than usual, hugging me extra tight while spooning me. He took my left hand and put it on his raging hard-on... I was obviously surprised and muttered "Oh!" -- I think that he thought I wasn't getting the hint that he wanted sex... so I told him, "You know, just letting you know now, if we're gonna have sex, I need to get ready." His reply was, "Well, I can have sex with your mouth." I didn't object. I sucked him off, then I got on top of him and we dry humped until we both came...

So... that relieved a 2 week dry spell! It's weird, because on that night I didn't even expect any sex because I was so tired myself... on some nights that I actually expect sex and actually clean myself and prepare, I don't get it, but on nights that I don't get ready, all of a sudden he wants it?! ... I've learned that I should just stop expecting it altogether, haha, and just let it happen when it happens.

 

[crubbed]

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well I'm glad for you. What happened is great. Just act as if you were constantly busy with something else, I think tops are more aroused by what you can't get. I know it sounds like a mindgame, and I'm probably not best suited to give people advice, but anyway... Next time, I think you should avoid putting into words things like "having sex", "need to prepare", just let him understand or maybe you could make up some erotic game where you are teasing his cock and then you leave him for 5 minutes, go and wash up, and then come back in your robe. Men love this haha.

 

[BiMike]

In my view it is still a bit of a strange relationship that you are with your bf from 8pm and you have to be woken up at 4.30 am in order to give him a bj! I am afraid at that time I would have just turned over and told him to look after himself , which seems to be his usual relief !