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Question for the forum

WTell2

WTell2

Joined
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Hi. I have a question for you guys. I'll try and be as short as possible.

I'm out and have been for a while. It was hard at first, having to move out and start supporting myself but I've managed to get by. My biggest problem is living so close to my family. They have made it a point to show up where I work, live, or go to school to try and get me to change back to the closeted wreck I used to be. I have been able to deal with it until recently. I started seeing someone in January and somehow we've managed to stay together four months. A few times when we go out, like at his college graduation, I see a close family friend or a sibling and turn around and walk the other way. I am petrified to think about what would happen if I had to confront my family with my boyfriend, and I don't want to lose him.

Now for my question. He is moving out to Hawaii for school, and I have the chance to follow him. I have been wanting to put some distance between myself and my family, and this is the perfect chance. Do I take advantage of the opportunity and move? Or am I being hasty and making a decision too soon? How do you guys juggle your family and your relationships?
 
If you're able to support yourself moving to Hawaii, why not? It is not that you won't ever speak to your family again, it is an adventure to be yourself more freely. If it does not work out in Hawaii, you can always come back to the mothership :)
 
HunterM said:
If you're able to support yourself moving to Hawaii, why not? It is not that you won't ever speak to your family again, it is an adventure to be yourself more freely. If it does not work out in Hawaii, you can always come back to the mothership :)
Click to expand...

It will definitely be an adventure! That's the exciting part. I'd love to be able to move around freely. But supporting myself is just the problem. Is it worth the extra money to be away from my family? I think he's worth it. And I guess it isn't like I'm leaving forever, though it sure feels like it !
 
Do what you must for you! Never compromise on being you for anyone!

Distance, given the situation you describe, would seem a good thing. You've broken out of your closet and moved on into YOUR life (Kudos!) yet; it, the closet, still looms. I can't offer much more than some questions for you to ponder. The ultimate decision is your's to make.

I will offer...
Do you want or need to move?
Most importantly, stepping back from the want/need aspect, WHY move? Do be aware of your motivations in this matter.

I'm not saying that your wants/needs are irrelevant, or that your motivations aren't ultimately valid. Both bear contemplation though.

Moving on and living your life, for you, is most important. If, by pursuing that, you prove 'them' wrong... that's a bonus, don't pursue it for that proof though.

You know your closet made you a wreck. Things have gotten better. Do you feel moving to Hawaii will continue the trend to the better for you as well?

Lastly, your four month relationship is young... that youth must be considered. I can't offer much advice on your relationship or it's future. Do keep that aspect in mind though.

PS. Noting some responses since I've started my post...
Mental $'s will, in my experience, always outweigh real-world $'s.

I've rambled enough!

Cheers,

Burke
 
If the move to Hawaii is about you and the bf, then fine. But if it's about running away from your family, not so fine. Eventually you will have to deal with your family, might as well get it over with now that you are independent of them.
 
Thanks for the sage advice Burke. I am trying to prove them wrong, I think. But that's not the main reason I'm moving. I'm moving because I think it's time. I have been in an interim stage of my life, and I think I should actually move on. That is what Hawaii should be, I'm starting to think. I should look at it less as being hasty in a relationship and more as a period in my life where I get to do something I want to do and be someone I want to be. I have wanted to move for a long time, I've felt that I should move on, and who wouldn't want to live in Hawaii? If I do end up doing this, I should do it for me, not for him. Or is that being selfish?

Because I have been selfish a lot. Like sixthson said, I did run away from my family and have kept running. I don't like facing them. And that is not what I want this move to be. I want it to be a positive point in my life. Regardless of whether I move or not, I think I should see them before I make a decision. Get a little bit of reconciliation going on. You guys do a great job of seeing through things. This is more about them than it is about him it looks like.
 
If you feel it's time. Then it's time.

See it as the liberating adventure it will be; a finding of yourself. Having someone to share that adventure with is a bonus. Be there together and enjoy each other's adventures.

Will you and he work out? Who knows? That's for the future to reveal. You are both involved in that aspect of each other's lives.
It's not what's important in the short term IMHO. Make it about you; not your family or him.

We're all selfish. There's no escaping it. Realizing we are, and 'warping' that selfishness to include others is key though.

You've got a head on your shoulders that seems quite well sorted. You're making efforts not to rush madly off in all directions. Both speak to things going well in your life.

Do you see your family changing their views whether you stay or go?

By all means visit with them, and inform them you are going to get on with YOUR life. State facts, avoid confrontation and confrontational language. That they confront you, and insinuate themselves into; it would seem, all aspects of your life...speaks to me that a geographic relocation suits the situation best.

Yes, Hawaii sounds awesome! :)

Regardless of all my ramblings; don't think about it all too much. The first line of this post is the key. What it unlocks???? Only you and time can reveal!
 
There is a difference between running away from your family and living your own life. I can't tell you how deeply I love my family and not just mine, but the idea of family in general. I will always be there for my family. And some people who used to be part of my family would have gladly shamed me into living in a fake marriage to a woman as long as I shut my mouth and played the part. Those are people I will never see again.

You're young; go to Hawaii. If after a year Hawaii is not the right choice, leave Hawaii. It is simple!

If you can manage it, I would not plan on living with your boyfriend at first. You have a very new and growing relationship. Let it strengthen over time rather than rushing it. It will be good enough if you can just see each other at the same school, so a roommate would probably be a better idea.

And remember you can always invite your family into your life. What you can't do is be dragged back into their version of your life.
 
hi WTell2,

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

And you have choosen to live as an open gay, and you are right now dating a nice guy. Open gays don't need to hide their friends / close friends / dates to others (same like straight guys also don't need to hide a girlfriend or a girl they are dating). So, at least to my opinion, its very logic that you join your good friend at his college graduation.

Well, and you tell us: "My family have made it a point to show up where I work, live, or go to school to try and get me to change back to the closeted wreck I used to be."

OK, so these people (be it your family) have made clear to you that they don't appreciate your way of living (= living as an open gay, as a guy who don't bother if people around him are gay or not). So how about the co-students at that college of your friend? Is your friend also hiding to them that he is gay (and that you are his close gay friend / one of his gay friends)? I assume that this is not the case?

Towards my opinion, its right now time to say 'bye bye' to your family. You don't need family in your immediate surroundings who are homophobes, so I would not hesitate to move to Hawai. Right now you are -more or less?- an adult, and that means that the education of your parents is finished.

Great man, that you have a chance to follow your friend to Hawaii. In fact, this is an ideal opportunity to create distance between you and your family. Just be clear to them that your friend is one of your gay friends / a close gay friend, and that you want to 'broaden your field' by joining him to Hawaii (or something like that). And tell them that they are always welcome to visit you (and him) in Hawaii. Then its up to them if they want to keep contact with you.

So having close contact with your family is fine as long as they are supporting you, but there is no need to keep contact with a family who is trying to throw you back in the closet.

Take care & good luck.
 
Go to Hawaii! Moving away will give you distance and time to be yourself. You will discover who you really are. You will gain a perspective. Once you have experienced a positive outlook for being YOU, you will gain confidence...to face your family. It's like moving away to go to college. It will be a learning experience...making new friends that support you...an adventure! Then you graduate with the knowledge and skills to take on the world.

Go west young man ..|
 
I'm an old guy by my numerical age and what the mirror reflects, but not emotionally or intellectually. I've lived my post coming out life by a couple of adages If it's just as easy to say yes as it is to say no and I'm not hurting myself or others in the process I say yes. The other adage is, "feel the fear and do it anyway." I'd always advise adventure over the mundane.

You are a wise young man given you wish to seek some peace and resolution and not act out of spite. You ought to know up front that I have great hope in your emotional future. Besides, they'll start coming around, especially with the prospect of coming to visit.

Good luck with your decision making, your bf and your relationship.
 
How do you feel about the move irrespective of your family issues? Say your family didn't live there at all? Do you feel heavy ties to Salt Lake City that make you want to stay - job, hometown, something like that? Or does the idea of moving to Hawaii still excite you? If the latter, I'd definitely pull up roots and move. :)

Lex
 
Hey Tell! Coming out and in a Mormon state, I am sure you are going through many obstacles that could only be categorized as HELL ON EARTH. But keep one thing in mind and that is this...no matter who hates you they answer two fold, no matter who should condemn you they shall be...that's the religious side...here's the human real world side...FUCK THEM!!!! Live your life! Right or wrong only you know...good or bad only you can be...tell them ALL to except you or step the fuck off! As long as you do not kill, harm, maim, destroy, or cause pain (unless in the good way we all like and deserve) not to mention disrespect then enjoy your life and be a good human. Be kind, be generous, and be helping and supportive to those in need. Forget the stereo types and speak to family...if they do not agree respect them, ask for their respect, move on with your life.

Being accepted is easy...being respected takes A LOT of time...be patient
 
Well, I did what some of you guys suggested. Yesterday I went and saw my parents and younger sisters, and spent most of the day down there. I said my goodbyes, even though I haven't told them I'm leaving yet. This is the first time in almost 3 years I've actually seen them because I asked to, and not because they badgered me. I even spent more time with them this time than I did last time I saw them Christmas night. It was very therapeutic, but it really has only confirmed my decision to move. They have their way of life, and I love them for it, and the last thing I would want is to force on them something they don't need right now. I don't think it would change them much. Answering Burke's question, no I don't think they will change their views. And I certainly don't want to change mine. I don't think I could adapt to their pressures of abstinence.

But it seems most of you are saying I should move. I'm honestly starting to feel the same way. I can get by here, but this is finally a chance for me to do something for myself. In answer to Lexington's question, I feel that I'm moving because it's something I've always wanted to do, travel. And doing it with someone special is just a bonus.

I'll give it three weeks, save up some money, and say goodbye to Utah and all the Mormons here XD.
 
Do it for the opportunity to follow your boyfriend, but also do it for yourself. :) I wish you a successful move.
 
Best wishes on a grand adventure. If you end up staying in Hawaii you'll also be giving your younger sisters the opportunity to visit. Don't be surprised if at times you feel homesick. Just forge ahead, making new friends.
 
Good on you for meeting them on your terms. That you did such speaks highly of you as a person.

Getting by will never satisfy you. You know it; I can read it in your words.

Do what you must for you.

Best of luck.
 
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