question

[diane06]

ok don't get mad but I have to ask.
What the fuck is up with men masturbating in front of other men? Is this a gay thing? Well obviously it is, but I just don't get it. Is it explainable? Do all or nearly all gay men do this? I ask because I keep reading it from wives that found out their husbands are gay. It just seems........uh,....different to me.
Just so you'll know I am not crazy,,,,,,,,,,,YET.

Diane

 

[G-Lexington]

Hi, Diane - good to hear from you again.

>>>It just seems........uh,....different to me.

If it's any consolation, it seems, uh, different to me, too. I've never done it. Never really wanted to. I suppose I can see the appeal to a gay guy - lots of eye candy. But I can't imagine it being a fun activity for straight guys. Not to mention it seems horribly uncomfortable afterwards, especially if you gotta wait for Fred to finish up. "Uh, Fred ,we'll be in the other room watching the game."

Lex

 

[screwnutty]

Hi, Diane - good to hear from you again.

>>>It just seems........uh,....different to me.

If it's any consolation, it seems, uh, different to me, too. I've never done it. Never really wanted to. I suppose I can see the appeal to a gay guy - lots of eye candy. But I can't imagine it being a fun activity for straight guys. Not to mention it seems horribly uncomfortable afterwards, especially if you gotta wait for Fred to finish up. "Uh, Fred ,we'll be in the other room watching the game."

Lex

Yeah I have to agree with Lex here. I've never done it either. It seems strange to me too but that's just me!

 

[backpacker]

Hi Diane,

Great to hear from you. I hope things are going well for you.

As far as the masturbation in front of other men, some men do it, but the vast majority do not (except with their partner). Sure there may be some cases where guys share a dorm room and lack privacy. Some teenagers do it as sexual experimentation (both gay and straight). My guess is that you are not referring to these types of situations.

The guys who masturbate in front of strangers in the park or a bathroom are far from the norm. My guess is that you may have joined a support group (good going if so) and these women have had the same type of experience as you. Some men who repress their gay feelings like your husband are more prone to seek out that type of activity. Somehow they justify it in their minds by saying if they don't actually have physical contact with the other guy, they are not having a gay sexual encounter. Let's face it, the guys who hang out in parks or bathrooms looking for sex have a problem. Please understand that this is not the type of activities normal gay guys engage in.

The fact that you are talking to other women who were married to gay men is a great thing. I hope it is helping you come to terms with everything that is going on in your life.

 

[trawler69]

Hey Diane it is good to see that you are still here. As a gay man who is comfortable with being gay and being who I am, I would not engage in this activity. If I were more unsure of myself and wanting to find out just what I was / what turned me on, then I would be more likely to experiment.

I will just say this: I live with my ex, we don't have sex any more but we still love each other, he has a fetish that I don't share but I now accept it. I can only hope that you two can come to a similar understanding as it is obvious that you still do both love each other or else you would not both be posting here.He is quite obviously beating himself up over what has occurred and is trying to understand it as are you.

I just hope that this gets resolved for you both as it is clear that you are both good people at heart.

 

[diane06]

Yes I heard about it from several of the women on the support group board of straight spouses. And as you know I heard about it from my husband.
I was just curious, didn't quite get it. I guess I was comparing myself to this, can I imagine this scenario??? I meet a guy at the park, we look into each others eyes and slowly start the task of unzipping our blue jeans so that we can masturbate in front of each other. Not a way I'd imagine a first meeting or date. Oh well, each to their own I guess.

Things are about the same for us. I hate him one day, and hurt because of him the next and hurt FOR him the day after. I think the therapist doesn't know where to go with me. She ask me if I wanted to eventually leave him. She needs to know I guess what she is trying to help achieve with me. Help make me strong enough to leave, or help me over come my grief enough to function in our life together. Right now I am not functioning very well at all. Do you think that women take infidelity and lying harder than men do?

I told a few of the women on the support group where I came first (here) when I found out something was amiss with my husband. One thought I was nuts and one thought I was smart to think of that. So I am either smart or nuts, lol.

A lot has happened in the last four months within our life together. I found out his awful secret, his place of employment is shutting down, and now I am waiting on a biopsy report later this afternoon, so wish me luck. So the stress level in my life has not been good.

We have a vacation scheduled and I want to leave and just forget everything for a while. I hope I can do that. Sometimes I think my mind is going to just shut down. I've known the truth for more than three months, yet oddly I still find that I am from time to time saying to myself, OMG, its true! That is the beginning of my meltdown for the day...or night, whichever. Damn it sucks being me.

hugs to you all.
Diane

 

[KingofFaeries]

OK since no one else mentioned this I will, alot of guys that masturbate in front of anyone are exhibitionists. Or teases, like they know they're hot and they know we think they're hot so they'll try and entice us and get us all horny but then when the time comes, so to speak, he'll zip up and leave. As for the exhibitionists, it's just something to spark his interest, alot of people like having sex in places that they might get caught at, or like to be watched it's really not all that unusual.

As to your marriage, if it has become more detrimental to both of you that it is helpful I'd say to end it. I don't take marriage lightly, but if you two are no longer happy together, if you two are building each other up and working and living in harmony then IMO it's time to cut your losses. If you still have the love, then stay friends, hell you could even continue living together, and stay on the books as married for the tax breaks or whatever. But a marriage only works if both people are making it work. If it's breaking down somewhere...

p.s. good luck on the biopsy, and hope your life settles back into normal soon.

 

[G-Lexington]

diane, I don't know much (or anything) about your day-to-day life, but you might try expanding your boundaries a bit. Get some books out of the library. Pick up a new hobby or skill.

The therapist seems to be actually helping you quite a bit. And she has a point - the path towards forgiveness-and-settling-back-down is a different one from the setting-out-on-your-own one. The fact that you bring up the point but don't answer it makes me assume you still haven't decided. And that's understandable. Perhaps you could do a trial separation? Spend a couple months somewhere else, away from him, but maintain contact via phone and e-mail and whatnot? I don't know - it's just an idea.

>>>So I am either smart or nuts, lol.

I know which one gets my vote.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

Diane,

Good luck with the biopsy. The vast majority turn out to be nothing, so the odds are on your side.

I believe your therapist asks the question about leaving to determine your state of mind. She knows that people in your situation vary their thinking from day to day. Part of the therapy is to help assist you in making your own decision. A good therapist doesn't let you know what they are thinking, thereby keeping undue influence from your thinking. From what you have written, it sounds like she is helping. Please remember you are in the early stages of therapy and that there is a lot of turmoil in your life. It's OK to have the feelings you have been having.

With regard to the woman who thinks you are nuts for coming here, obviously she hasn't seen the advice and support you have received here. I sure it provides a different prospective than you could get anywhere else.

As always, I wish the best for you.

 

[rareboy]

Hey Diane.

Anyone who can still come onto a site like this and be able ask an upfront question about guys masturbating in fron tof one another still has the stamina to survive.

While you may still think Men are from Mars, They're eally from Uranus. As Others have noted, masturbatory exhibitionism is usually a sign of wanting more involved sexual contact. But also keep in mind that a lot of guys grew up having masturbated in front of other guys (yes, even the str8 ones) and will have had contests to see who can shoot the most or farthest or fastest. Who knew.

The penis has no conscience.

Best of luck with the biopsy. You need to reduce your stress levels. Maybe a holiday will do that, but I think you may still be in need of something more profound and life changing. Hopefully, though you are able to start taking a more dispassionate approach to the entire affair and are coming closer to an understanding of whether to stay or to go in order to do what is best for you.

 

[diane06]

Rareboy,,,,,,,holidays reduce my stress? lol That is not going to happen. After Christmas I will feel much better. I've always been an old Scrooge.
Just so you'll all know the biopsy turned out good, so that is a bit of stress turned off.
I sometimes wonder and think too much ...I think. My husband isn't still going to those sites, he rarely leaves my sight when not at work. I know this type of thing will not and should not continue forever. He doesn't want to give me any reason to mistrust him I guess.

Vetteboi, you are so right. I do get support of the site where all the wronged, straight wives hang out but sometimes I feel the need to come back and touch base with you guys. You'll never know how much it means to me. I know that you guys do your best to remain honest with me too.

Lex, no I haven't made any decisions, at least thats what I tell him. But it just now occurred to me that I probably won't leave him unless he strays again. Another mistake on his part would show me that it would never be right between us. I am not saying that things will always be great and that it still will not take a long time for me to trust and forgive, but in the end that is what I want. I want to forgive him and I want to trust him again. I know he wants to keep his word to me, but I don't know if he can. So far he says his compulsions have not returned, but will they come back next summer? I don't know, I guess no one can answer that for now.

King.....he did mention that when he started doing this years ago that he felt he was teasing the other guys. I wondered about that, if guys who cannot except the feelings and urges they have toward other guys resist actual contact and satisfy themselves with masturbation until they get the courage to take the next step.

Once again, thank you for all of your comments, it truly does mean so much to me.
We are going on vacation, leaving week after next and I am going to try to forget it all and let my poor mind take a break from it all. It seems that is all on my mind for the last three months.
hugs to you all
Diane

 

[screwnutty]

Just concentrate on enjoying yourself Diane! Enjoy your vacation. You can worry about your problems when you get back. Hope you two have fun and take care! Oh yeah we want an update on how much fun you had! right guys!