Questions, questions, questions

[snkman]

Ok, you guys can help me out on this, I am a long time 'lurker' and now I have serious questions, I need answers to, that I can't ask my family, or even gay friends.

First is sexuality, my sexuality to be exact, sense I can remember, I have been attracted to men, I'm sure you have heard this before... bla bla bla. But, up until now, (I'm 19) I had been to scared to act on it, other then a few kisses, short lived relationships, closet case, to closet case , I have not, to my recollection had feelings for women, so, after much deliberation, I decided that on the 11th, I was going to tell somebody... so I picked my sister, the one who I thought would be most open to it, and in fact she was, BUT, I also got a "Why didn't you tell me before? Why don't you tell everybody... they all suspect... I'm going to tell dad, so when you do, it won't be a big surprise" I wanted to take it a bit slower, but now almost everybody knows, and I have had some conversations with some family members, and it makes me doubt weather I should have came out, without real "experience" with guys.......

So, to the questions.

When you came out, had you had experience with guys, other then just attraction to them?

Questions of reorientation therapy had come up, and I in fact, tried to change, but the only thing worse then finding out your gay once, is finding out twice, and I don't want to do that again, but they had suggested I talk to a preacher about it, sense I also have a LOT of questions about religion, specifically, where GLBT people fit into religion, and how Christianity came about from pagan beliefs. Should I go talk to the preacher, or no?

I am thinking about going to a psychologist to help me sort myself out, not exactly turn myself straight, but, more to be more comfortable with who I am, but thoughts of my previous psychologist stop me, he was the one who introduced me to NARTH, and other organizations like that, and gave me hope I could be 'normal' as up until then, I had thought being gay was abnormal.

Doing some research, I had found a lot of organizations, pro gay sights, that include religion, places like PFLAG, GLAAD, and others, but are there any scientific sights about GLBT people? I know there was an awesome segment on 60 minutes about gay research, but I am defiantly looking for more information, any links?

One conversation I had with a family member, and I know its common, but she thought it was a choice, and she thought it was a phase.... is there any information I can give to her, about this subject?

She also said that I should experiment with girls, I might like it... with no attraction to them, should I?

Apparently there are a LOT of people my family know about that considered themselves gay, but ended up with women, so this is confusing them, and frankly me, I know there are probably plenty of people who start off thinking they are straight, but end up gay... how should I feel about this? Is this common?

They are stressing to me, that I should not label myself as 'gay' unless I had experience, with women, and men... I told them the bottom line, is that I have no feelings for women, and that I do for men, so that is where 'gay' comes in.... who is right here? Keep in mind they want me to be straight... and they said so.

Am I wrong in telling them that I'd rather be straight, it would be an easier life, and if a woman were to peak my interest, I would probably go with it? I do stress that it hasn't happened yet, and that I don't want to give them 'hope' that this is a phase.

I know, I know, but, I just need help... and I hope you guys can....

Thanks!
Snkman

 

[JayHew]

I agree. I only tell people who ask me about it, but few really have. My thought is my personal sexual preference is my personal sexual preference. I'm a person first and foremost and not defined by my sexual orientation. And for those who have asked, it was a simple yes or no answer, no need for discussion.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi snkman, and welcome! Glad to have you here.

Reading through your post reminded me of the old saying "you can't put toothpaste back in the tube." LOL.

I came out after I'd had considerable experience with both sexes. So, I didn't get any "are you sure?" type rude questions. Those questions really ARE rude, by the way. If you turned the tables on them (you are probably too polite to do so, but if you did...) they would realize how silly it is: Did your father or brother or other close male have to experiment with gay sex to figure out they were really straight? Of course not. They knew they were straight just like you know you are gay and you don't need to experiment to prove it to either them or yourself.

Second, visiting a preacher would be good if you had religious questions in general. But, choose your preacher carefully. If you want a reasonable and intelligent discussion about fitting your homosexuality into a Christian (for example) perspective, pick a gay minister--like at an MCC church or somewhere. They have spent years and years assimilating their believes in with their character and usually have some fascinating perspectives as a result. Personally, I never tire of engaging them in discussions about all this.

Third, your family member who thought it was a choice, or a phase, again is crippled by an illogical conclusion based in ignorance--well meaning as she may be. She herself persumably likes men. She did not "choose" to like men at some point, probably. She didn't wake up one morning and say "let's see...I could just as well sleep with a woman or a man..what will I do? I think I'll go after men. Yes, that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll choose a woman sometime, though. Hmmm..." No. She knew who she was and was "lucky" that it was socially sanctioned. Because she cannot fathom sleeping with a woman (probably) she obviously feels that those who do sleep w/ the same sex, CHOOSE to do so. Moreover, her being attracted to men is NOT a "phase." She's born straight and will always be straight and nothing is going to change that. Same with you.

Don't worry about labels right now. You can identify yourself later, whenever you're ready. I like your idea of visiting with a therapist about this (and not one that purports to turn people straight). A good therapist will objectively guide you through a path of self-discovery and help you feel comfortable with whomever you really are. That's the key and what's important. Please do this first, before a non-understanding world does a royal mind-fuck on you. Once you have you're head screwed on straight (so to speak) about this, then you can face them with greater conviction and confidence.

Good luck to you! Let us know how you're doing!

 

[Soilwork]

When you came out, had you had experience with guys, other then just attraction to them?

Yes. about as much as you.

Should I go talk to the preacher, or no?

no. You know what you are.. the last thing you need is a bunch of people trying to teach you to hate yourself so they can love you again.

One conversation I had with a family member, and I know its common, but she thought it was a choice, and she thought it was a phase.... is there any information I can give to her, about this subject?

Other than every single one of us was told that it was "just a phase" and here we all are.

She also said that I should experiment with girls, I might like it... with no attraction to them, should I?

Hell no. Sex isn't something that you should just try the like bean dip or violin lessons. You can't Aquire a taste for women if you don't have one to begin with, and how do you think the girl is going to feel when you tell her "Sorry, luv, but I was just shagging you to see if I'd like it and sorry.. nope."

Apparently there are a LOT of people my family know about that considered themselves gay, but ended up with women, so this is confusing them, and frankly me, I know there are probably plenty of people who start off thinking they are straight, but end up gay... how should I feel about this? Is this common?

No, but it's common for family members to lie to you and tell you that they once thought they might be gay (when really it was a passing thing that lasted for a minute or two while having a wank) in an effort to change you into something they're more comfortable with.

They are stressing to me, that I should not label myself as 'gay' unless I had experience, with women, and men... I told them the bottom line, is that I have no feelings for women, and that I do for men, so that is where 'gay' comes in.... who is right here? Keep in mind they want me to be straight... and they said so.

You know who and what you are. You seem to feel comfortable with the "gay" label, but it's THEM who want you to be ANTYHING but gay... they're the ones who can't handle it and they're the ones who are going to have to change. You can't.

Am I wrong in telling them that I'd rather be straight

Honestly... well... yes.

I mean, it's the truth right now, but it's just going to fan the flames.

If you give them even the slightest hint that you're maybe thinking that you want to go to the brain butchers and have them "fix" you, they're NEVER going to give it up.

you tell them that you love yourself just the way you are, and that you wish they could do the same.

 

[Soilwork]

OH, and by the way.

Tell them that they can't call themselves straight until they try having gay sex.

When they get the "ikky" face, tell them, "Yeah, that's how the idea of having sex with a girl makes ME feel."

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Nope, you can't put the toothpase back into the the tube...

Somewhat complex as the story of your come out may be, it seems that your sexual life (or still the actual absence) became an absorbing subject of conversation among the family. I am not really sure, you really wanted this to happen in the first place?

OK, you are 19 and you have a few questions. At times like these, you would want to do some research and hear several opinions, and certainly not base your knowledge solely on what one or the other 'preacher' may say. You may also want to decide and do some exploration on your own, rather than adopting the ready-made views.

If you feel that you need professional help, get it. If you just feel confused and somewhat undecided, think hard about it. Are you always going to be running back to your shrink, whenever you get slightly disoriented?

My topline here: change the focus. Do not get involved into debates and discussions about your sexual orientation. This is really something you should be in charge of and the matter should not be open for discussion among the family members, no matter how well-meaning (and often uninformed) they may be.

Instead of the above, go and get some life without any talk.

SC

 

[Roland00]

Ok, you guys can help me out on this, I am a long time 'lurker' and now I have serious questions, I need answers to, that I can't ask my family, or even gay friends.

First is sexuality, my sexuality to be exact, sense I can remember, I have been attracted to men, I'm sure you have heard this before... bla bla bla. But, up until now, (I'm 19) I had been to scared to act on it, other then a few kisses, short lived relationships, closet case, to closet case , I have not, to my recollection had feelings for women, so, after much deliberation, I decided that on the 11th, I was going to tell somebody... so I picked my sister, the one who I thought would be most open to it, and in fact she was, BUT, I also got a "Why didn't you tell me before? Why don't you tell everybody... they all suspect... I'm going to tell dad, so when you do, it won't be a big surprise" I wanted to take it a bit slower, but now almost everybody knows, and I have had some conversations with some family members, and it makes me doubt weather I should have came out, without real "experience" with guys.......

Completely normal so far, but lets get to the real reason you posted.

So, to the questions.

When you came out, had you had experience with guys, other then just attraction to them?

Questions of reorientation therapy had come up, and I in fact, tried to change, but the only thing worse then finding out your gay once, is finding out twice, and I don't want to do that again, but they had suggested I talk to a preacher about it, sense I also have a LOT of questions about religion, specifically, where GLBT people fit into religion, and how Christianity came about from pagan beliefs. Should I go talk to the preacher, or no?

You can talk to the preacher, if it’s the thing you want to do. I would go prepared first though. If you can visit MCC church or a Unitarian Universalist or something. (They are quite common in big cities, and there is always a location next to a “gay village.”)

I also recommend you post a topic in the Religon and Spirtuality part of this site. Especially one about what the bible says about homosexuality. There isn’t a real condemination of homosexuality in the bible, and the stories the fundamentalists use are very twisted of the text, historical account (what faith are you by the way?) For Christ’s sake look at David and Jonathan.

I am thinking about going to a psychologist to help me sort myself out, not exactly turn myself straight, but, more to be more comfortable with who I am, but thoughts of my previous psychologist stop me, he was the one who introduced me to NARTH, and other organizations like that, and gave me hope I could be 'normal' as up until then, I had thought being gay was abnormal.

I recommend you go see a therapist, or do a group setting about homosexuality. That said I would be very leery for what the psych says at first due to your past experience. Over 99% of psyches and therapists don’t believe in Reparative Therapy. Additionally check out the Psych with other organizations (such as the hotline I am about to give you, if he is in the Gay and Lesbian Yellowpages etc.) Your first few meetings will be developing trust, but this is okay

Avoid Narth, Exodus International, and Focus on the Family like the plague

Doing some research, I had found a lot of organizations, pro gay sights, that include religion, places like PFLAG, GLAAD, and others, but are there any scientific sights about GLBT people? I know there was an awesome segment on 60 minutes about gay research, but I am defiantly looking for more information, any links?

This is by no means a comprehensive list, its mostly what I have saved up from other times.

http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/justthefacts.html
http://www.psychologymatters.org/hooker.html
http://www.apa.org/topics/orientation.html

Not an organization itself, but it lists the major organizations and there positions in easy to read writing
http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_prof.htm
In fact I recommend you read the entire series by this group if you seriously want information and viewpoint
http://www.religioustolerance.org/homosexu.htm

History of Homosexuality and Mental Health
http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/facts_mental_health.html

Same site about Reparative Therapy
http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/facts_changing.html

Same site about whether Gays and Bis are more likely to molest children
http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/facts_molestation.html

Not related to you directly, findings about Gay and Lesbian Parenting
http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/lgparenthome.html

Just a general resource for youth
http://www.outproud.org/


The Gay and Lesbian National Hotline, Even if you don’t call check out there site for they have a nice list of local resources in your area you can search. Ask a local counseling group for a collection of brochures, research, etc since they deal with the subject on a day to day basis. The Hotline has people that are under 25 if you want to talk to someone your own age, or you can talk to an adult. There is a seperate number for each group. They also have email.
http://www.glnh.org/

The Gay and Lesbian yellowpages. Everything from therapists, organizations, bars and clubs, std testing, etc.
http://www.gayyellow.com/

Looking at your city in one of the two above resources and you may find a local gay and lesbian phone switchboard. They are common in the larger cities.

This is a wiki about a thing called the gay village. Gays naturally flock to the bigger cities due to them being less homophobic and its far easier to meet people. Because of this it becomes economically possible to have businesses that cater to these groups near exclusively. They are almost always in one located area of the city, creating a very much safe and free zone, where you can just be yourself. The useful thing about the wiki isn’t the description, but a list of the major gay villiages in the US and other countries.

Even if you don’t go to one of these places, it is useful to find out which nearest village is next to you, for there will be so many resources, such as counseling, and they can help you better than us at Jub can. (We will try our best though )
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_village

One conversation I had with a family member, and I know its common, but she thought it was a choice, and she thought it was a phase.... is there any information I can give to her, about this subject?

See above resources for talking points and information

She also said that I should experiment with girls, I might like it... with no attraction to them, should I?

Up to you, but it is just generally easier to reverse the question. Ask her has she every been attracted to women, has she experimented with women? How dare her pursue a heterosexual life, don’t you know she should have experimented first, before getting married (or will get married) thus she won’t find out later, and thus break up with her husband and thus ruin his life

Maybe you want to phrase what I said in a nicer way, but it did get a smile from you right

Apparently there are a LOT of people my family know about that considered themselves gay, but ended up with women, so this is confusing them, and frankly me, I know there are probably plenty of people who start off thinking they are straight, but end up gay... how should I feel about this? Is this common?

This means they are either bisexuals, or they felt so bad about the idea of being gay they pretended to be straight. You shouldn’t let this affect you, you need to do what it takes to allow yourself to be happy, not just take the paths other took because they took it

They are stressing to me, that I should not label myself as 'gay' unless I had experience, with women, and men... I told them the bottom line, is that I have no feelings for women, and that I do for men, so that is where 'gay' comes in.... who is right here? Keep in mind they want me to be straight... and they said so.

I recommend you take them to a group session on therapy and or a pflag meeting. Say it will help you come to grips with everything, even though it will be them who are the main goal of the session.

Am I wrong in telling them that I'd rather be straight, it would be an easier life, and if a woman were to peak my interest, I would probably go with it? I do stress that it hasn't happened yet, and that I don't want to give them 'hope' that this is a phase.

Don’t phrase it like that, DON’T PHRASE IT LIKE THAT, it will be a disaster

Phrase it as you have tried in the past to change, but it didn’t work, worse it made you feel less of yourself for you feel horrible, disqusting, etc. You aren’t going to try to change now for you aren’t going to deny the truth, hand out the brochures now…

But most likely looking at your family, I wouldn’t even go there, it will just give them a piece of doubt which they can cling to with their denial.

I know, I know, but, I just need help... and I hope you guys can....

Thanks!
Snkman

No problem


If I can give you a piece of advice, don't talk to your parents right now. It seems you are having some doubts yourself. You need to build up confidence, and personally be ready when you talk to them again. You need to be strong. Talk to some other people, either via Jub, a Therapist, or the Hotline I gave you.

 

[jockboy01]

Well, I'm going to echo what has already been great advice here mainly.... (love the toothpaste analogy, I always remember it... but you can keep more from coming out if you're careful).

When you came out, had you had experience with guys, other then just attraction to them?

Well, not totally out. But no, definitely not much experience at all with guys when I came out.

Should I go talk to the preacher, or no?

I agree that it depends on the preacher. I talked to a priest for a long time... actually the first person I came out to. But he was gay too. And so he could help fit homosexuality into religion that wasn't this right winged B.S. propaganda of what humans think God likes/wants. It was very helpful. But if it is a preacher that is going to tell you that it is wrong to be gay or wrong to act on those feelings, don't waste either of your time.

but are there any scientific sights about GLBT people?

Not that I know of but I haven't looked very far. Understanding sexuality is still in its infancy. But most people educated on the subject agree that it is not a choice and that it either is innate or learned very young. I believe the former. It's difficult to accurately research it scientifically just by it's nature.

One conversation I had with a family member, and I know its common, but she thought it was a choice, and she thought it was a phase.... is there any information I can give to her, about this subject?

Check out the PFLAG site again... it has likes to the classifications of mental illnesses for psychiatry and how homosexuality is not a choice I believe.

She also said that I should experiment with girls, I might like it... with no attraction to them, should I?

Definitely not EWWW!! I agree with the comments that you should ask her if she experimented with girls before she found her husband. She opened herself up for that and I think it is a fair shot. Experimenting isn't going to change what you are and you seem pretty convinced that you're attracted to guys. To experiment with girls would only be kidding yourself and them.

Apparently there are a LOT of people my family know about that considered themselves gay, but ended up with women, so this is confusing them, and frankly me, I know there are probably plenty of people who start off thinking they are straight, but end up gay... how should I feel about this? Is this common?

Well, what happened here? These people were NEVER str8. But that was what they were accultured to and so they ignored or pretended not to notice who they really were. Later they couldn't deny it any longer as it tore them apart and they "became" gay. They were always gay, they just hid it from themselves for a long time. People started off thinking they were gay and ended up with women? I'm not sure. My guess is they recognized that they were gay but still caved into societal pressures and married. They're probably still gay and they wish they could have a true life like you are about to.

They are stressing to me, that I should not label myself as 'gay' unless I had experience, with women, and men... I told them the bottom line, is that I have no feelings for women, and that I do for men, so that is where 'gay' comes in.... who is right here? Keep in mind they want me to be straight... and they said so.

You're right. Some here recommend experimentation but sexuality is an internal thing and doesn't need experimentation to confirm who you are on the inside. At best it confirms, at worst, it'll confuse the hell out of you and them and make things a million times worse.

Am I wrong in telling them that I'd rather be straight, it would be an easier life, and if a woman were to peak my interest, I would probably go with it? I do stress that it hasn't happened yet, and that I don't want to give them 'hope' that this is a phase.

Yes, you're wrong here. Don't give them hope. Even if this is what you're feeling at the time, don't tell them. It'll only add to the stress they are creating. If nothing else, pretend that you are happy being gay b/c at some point, it'll be true I promise.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day snkman,

Well mate...reading your post was like revisiting my past! And in a way that should be a comfort to you... a lot of us have struggled with the questions that you are struggling with right now...I think you'll find its pretty normal.

Nearly all of your questions come from your expectations of your life and the expectations of the people around you. We are all brought up to believe that the house, the wife, the picket fence and the 2.5 kids is the ideal way to life your life and so when you start to realise that you may not fit into that box you start to question the way you feel and start to wonder about your "choices". And just think mate...you've had years of thinking these things...your family and freinds have had so much less time...they are simply asking you the questions that you've already answered. They will mean well..but at this stage of the process they simply havent had time to digest it, understand it and most likely accept it.

It sounds to me like you know who you are and the small part of you that makes you gay. You dont need experience with either sex to know what you want and what you like...its like knowing that you prefer coke or pepsi. You know...and have most of your life. Accepting that is the harder part. I really understand you saying that being str8 would be an easier life with less conflict. Thats what I believed and said myself for a long time. It took a while for me to let that go but now while I admit this lifestyle has its challenges...so does being str8. They are just different. Dont get trapped into the grass is greener thing...its not - just different. Different issues and dramas...but still issues and dramas! 4 years and a near engagment taught me that. And what I learnt was that all I was going to do was hurt someone that I cared for with my lies, because deep down I knew I couldnt change the way I felt.

As for talking to someone professional or otherwise...by all means do it...but be prepared. Like you said...sometimes what they will tell you might be a little confronting and not really what you want to hear. I too had reality jammed down my throat and it scared the hell out of me...but after I while I learned that really this isnt a choice and the sooner I accpeted it and made peace with it the better off I would be. Talk to your freinds - they support and acceptance they give you is priceless.

Lastly mate - sorry to go on...remember that this is a process...there will be good days with no doubts or fears or questions. And there will be days that just make you wonder why. Find some comfort in the fact that most of us have been there and worked our way through it. The fact that you are being honest with yourself and those around you despite the risks is a huge and powerful thing to do. Be proud of yourself and your strength. Your families love and support will be there - just give them time to see that this is only a small part of you...that you are still you. Because mate...you havent changed. You've been honest and thats something to be proud of!

Remember you are never alone and this is a path that has been walked a million times before. Good luck mate!

 

[snkman]

Wow... thanks guys! The support is welcome change to the twenty million questions I am still getting. They still want me to see a therapist, but after a little contemplation, I don't think I really want/need to go.

I am sort of blaming all the questions on myself, just because it all happened so quick, and I wasn't prepared for all the questions, I guess I came across as unsure. But, I am getting back control, so to speak, of the situation. The overall feel of everything is "We'd rather you be straight, but if your not, whatever makes you happy, but make sure before you label, you haven't had much experience with either male, or female" So I guess its better then being thrown out of the house, right? lol Right now, I am just doing what I can, answering there questions, no matter how odd they are "So.... would you be the man..... or the woman?" lol.

My father knows, but not my stepmother (super religious, "AIDS was put on the earth by God to eradicate all gay people") that will be interesting when she does find out.... My father, from what I heard, wasn't exactly surprised, and doesn't seem like he has much of a problem with it.... I haven't told him directly yet, but my sister called him up and told him, so it wouldn't be a surprise.

So, now that I guess I am pretty much out, now is the fun part... DATING!

Thanks again!

 

[Soilwork]

Well.. seems like all you need to do now is tell your sister to mind her own fucking business and allow you to control your personal affairs. It's your sexuality to discuss when you're ready, and not hers.

SHE is the one who has caused the problem because she felt it was her job to spread it around before you were really ready to discuss it. She's a very bad person who should be ashamed of herself.

And you can tell Soilwork said so, so it's true.

Tell her that when she lost her virginity or had her first period, you didn't hire a sky-writer and that you'd appreciate the same discretion.

And don't worry about that "Who's the man?" bullshit. We all get it, and the best answer is "We're both men... you DO know what gay means, right?"

 

[Soilwork]

O2, the problem I was talking about there wasn't questions... it was his sister who feels that it's her privilege to call all the family members and friends and tell them he's gay before he's really ready to talk about it.

She's being a complete bitch, and needs to be muzzled.

 

[Soilwork]

What would be a nicer thing to answer?

 

[Soilwork]

no, I'm not getting in your face.

(youre one of the guys I like)

I'm just wondering what you'd answer, really.

I mean, it DOES kinda have my "you're stupid" tone to it.

 

[Soilwork]

Apparently, I'm not allowed to use the "C" word to describe people, even when the shoe fits.

What a silly bunt I am.

 

[snkman]

Ok, so here I stand making my decision about a psychiatrist, weather or not to go. I spoke with my father, and he had said that 'pretty routinely' people believe they are gay, but in fact, are asexual, and with no attraction to woman, in their minds, they think they are gay. I didn't get deep into it with him, "Hey dad, I jack once, maybe twice a day, and love sex, girls just don't do it for me" isn't exactly the convo I want...

The rest of the family is still trying to figure out why "Are you gay because you don't like religion" "Maybe you have to many female hormones" "You just have not had enough experience with woman" I keep telling them they are the ones that need the psychologist, but they look at me funny? My father had said that I "don't have the attributes of a gay man, but that of an asexual person" I laughed at that, sense one, there are no real 'gay attributes' but also, he has never seen the real me, the me I am at work, or with friends. I don't know, should I go to shut them up? To have someone outside of my friends, (two of which have, or are working on there masters in psychology) say "hey, he's gay, get over it"

I think I am also confusing them with my comments, especially about dating, I had told them, I need to adjust a little before I openly date, which to them is like saying "Well, I have to make myself like men before I can start dating"

I think I am also confusing them because I am such a deep thinker, which they can't really understand. They think I am 'broken' on that issue as well.

Ughhh, I don't know... my biggest problem about going is I don't feel broken, so I don't see a point, but if I don't they will think I'm just misplacing my sexuality. I do have a sneaky suspicion that if the psych had said I was gay, they would want a second opinion. Granted, they have only had, what, two weeks tops, to adjust?

What should I do?

 

[tallguy297]

Well mate... for this is all about you. Do you feel you need to go? You sound like one of the most well adjusted 19 year olds i know. You have come to terms with a decision that brings grown men to their knees and you seem to be ready to go forward with your life and find the things that bring you happiness.

With all due respect to your family, this is not something you need to justify to them. You know what you are and who you are. And in time they will too. Its hard for our families to see you as one thing and then in the next minute see you as something else...we'd struggle too in the same position and I suspect this is more about their acceptance of this rather than yours. You've had years to get this sorted in your own head..they've had days. Give 'em time but remain strong and firm.

Playing mind games and experimenting will only lead to you or others getting hurt. You dont need to prove anything to anyone - you've done the right thing by telling them...now live your life to the full with the values and honesty that you've shown so far and let them grow to know and love the real you like they did the "old " you.

Stand firm in your convictions...its time for you to live your life.

 

[Soilwork]

To be honest, it took some members in my family a while to adjust.

My sister insisted that I was just pretending to get attention. "You're such a fucking little actor", she'd say.

My triplet brothers were both "Why can't you guys just be friends?" One of them suggested that I marry a lesbian and the two of us have sex on the sly.

My mother kept suggesting a shrink and told me "I hope the grand parents all die before they find out" and "I'll never smile again until you change your mind".

They all got over it.

I still hate my sister, but I always did.. even when I was a kid. My brothers and I get along fine now, and my mother is a grand bastion of the PFLAG out on the Canadian East Coast. She speaks at Gay Pride day festivals and leds parades. She talks on the radio and leads meetings.

Most people would kill for a mother as supportive as I've got (although she doesn't like ME much.... but it's nothing to do with having two gay sons)

Trying to convince you that you're asexual is actually a common thing. They've accepted that they can't turn you straight, so they just try to turn off any sexual attraction you have at all. It's one of the many "Grasping at Straws" things that friends and family will do.

You're doing amazing.. not giivng in.. not backing down.. not bargaining.

I wish ALL the guys here were as strong as you.

And no.. you're not broken. I think you're about as together as anyone could be under the circumstances.

 

[Roland00]

Stupid double post

 

[Roland00]

Ok, so here I stand making my decision about a psychiatrist, weather or not to go. I spoke with my father, and he had said that 'pretty routinely' people believe they are gay, but in fact, are asexual, and with no attraction to woman, in their minds, they think they are gay. I didn't get deep into it with him, "Hey dad, I jack once, maybe twice a day, and love sex, girls just don't do it for me" isn't exactly the convo I want...

BS, that is just what he wants you to be, for its easier for him to accept you as asexual instead of having his son be gay.

The rest of the family is still trying to figure out why "Are you gay because you don't like religion" "Maybe you have to many female hormones" "You just have not had enough experience with woman" I keep telling them they are the ones that need the psychologist, but they look at me funny? My father had said that I "don't have the attributes of a gay man, but that of an asexual person" I laughed at that, sense one, there are no real 'gay attributes' but also, he has never seen the real me, the me I am at work, or with friends. I don't know, should I go to shut them up? To have someone outside of my friends, (two of which have, or are working on there masters in psychology) say "hey, he's gay, get over it"

You should do nothing if it isn't something you want to do. If you go just for the sake of your parents, remember it isn't for you its for there sake. It is your life, it is your decision.

I think I am also confusing them with my comments, especially about dating, I had told them, I need to adjust a little before I openly date, which to them is like saying "Well, I have to make myself like men before I can start dating"

I think I am also confusing them because I am such a deep thinker, which they can't really understand. They think I am 'broken' on that issue as well.

It isn't a bad thing, in fact it can be very sexy at times.

Ughhh, I don't know... my biggest problem about going is I don't feel broken, so I don't see a point, but if I don't they will think I'm just misplacing my sexuality. I do have a sneaky suspicion that if the psych had said I was gay, they would want a second opinion. Granted, they have only had, what, two weeks tops, to adjust?

What should I do?

Go if you want to go, don't if you don't want to. Remember if you go you don't have to do it for your parents reasons, you could just go to rant to a complete stranger. Get this stuff of your chest