Questions, questions, questions

[slobone]

I agree. I only tell people who ask me about it, but few really have. My thought is my personal sexual preference is my personal sexual preference. I'm a person first and foremost and not defined by my sexual orientation. And for those who have asked, it was a simple yes or no answer, no need for discussion.

I used to take that position. But then it turned out nobody ever asked. Meanwhile all my friends were discussing my sexuality with great interest behind my back. Single women were coming on to me in great numbers. Other gay guys were reluctant to approach me because they assumed I was straight.

So finally I said, enough. Now I come out proactively, on the least provocation. A rather beautiful woman decided to tell me the story of her love life when we were on a long car trip together, and then she said "And how about you?".

So what was I going to say? "Well I had an LTR with this -- person -- and after we broke up I was involved with another -- person"? No. I started out by saying, "Well, I'm gay. I had an LTR with another MAN" and etc.

Similarly I started to be friends with a goodlooking straight guy. The first time we were alone together, I came out to him, because I didn't want there to be any confusion. He was fine with it -- in fact he started asking all kinds of detailed questions about exactly what gay guys DO -- but we'll save that for another post.

 

[slobone]

Wow... thanks guys! The support is welcome change to the twenty million questions I am still getting. They still want me to see a therapist, but after a little contemplation, I don't think I really want/need to go.

I am sort of blaming all the questions on myself, just because it all happened so quick, and I wasn't prepared for all the questions, I guess I came across as unsure. But, I am getting back control, so to speak, of the situation. The overall feel of everything is "We'd rather you be straight, but if your not, whatever makes you happy, but make sure before you label, you haven't had much experience with either male, or female" So I guess its better then being thrown out of the house, right? lol Right now, I am just doing what I can, answering there questions, no matter how odd they are "So.... would you be the man..... or the woman?" lol.

My father knows, but not my stepmother (super religious, "AIDS was put on the earth by God to eradicate all gay people") that will be interesting when she does find out.... My father, from what I heard, wasn't exactly surprised, and doesn't seem like he has much of a problem with it.... I haven't told him directly yet, but my sister called him up and told him, so it wouldn't be a surprise.

So, now that I guess I am pretty much out, now is the fun part... DATING!

Thanks again!

OK -- Rule #1: your sexuality is your business, not your parents' business or anybody else in your family.

Coming of age sexually is exactly the time when most people start to distance themselves from their parents. This is a necessary stage to go through, as you learn that there's more than one way to love. You don't want your parents opinions inside your head while you're going through this, any more than you'd want them in your bedroom while you're "doing it". (Ewww!)

That said, if you want to keep them informed, that's up to you. But don't allow them to set the agenda.

It sounds to me like they're a little intrusive to begin with. Your sister has no business saying "I'll tell Dad." You should have said, "No, I think I should be the one to tell him. Please keep what I've told you to yourself."

And all the religion/therapy stuff -- again, they should not be forcing that on you. I doubt very much if it would be of any value to you at this stage.

This is the time of your life when you need to figure out who you are, and establish your own independent identity. Until you've made some progress in that direction, you're probably better off not getting any more "helpful" advice from people who may not be on the same page as you.

 

[3nipples]

It sounds like they've succeeded in putting you on the defensive. I don't think you're going to get anywhere trying to argue or explain.

In reality, it's their reaction that's the passing phase, so what you need is a tactic to deflect their arguments without giving them any more ammunition.

It's only a passing phase? Great! Then there's nothing to worry about. Priest or psychologist? Waste of time and money if I'll grow out of it anyways. The important thing is that I know you'll love me no matter what and the rest will work itself out in time.

 

[snkman]

Wow, again, thanks! I have decided not to go, and the people around me are a bit disappointed, but whatever. I have also started to grow into my religious self. I have not labeled myself with a religion yet, and 'they' don't like that... giving me books on Christian forgiveness, and my sister ordered a book for me on homosexuality and Christianity, even though I had told her it was a waste of money. Most all of them are 'worried' that I denied the Christian label... but they themselves don't believe the teachings of the Christian religion, and claimed I was reading out of the 'wrong bible' when I told them about the scriptures about slavery, selling your daughter as a slave, stoning your disobedient children, and pointing out the biblical contradictions, but were speechless when I showed it to them, offering only an 'oh... well...... we don't believe in that part" lol

I think you guys are giving me to much cedit, or I am giving my family to much credit. I think the reason why the 'news' spread so fast, is because they all kind of knew, but were worried that I was because the gay 'life' is hard, and all they hear about is the people beating gay guys up, and AIDS, that kind of stuff. That coupled with the fact they haven't seen me with ANY girls, or guys for that matter confused them, and is why I think my father, who does work in the medical field, thought it was misplaced asexuality. But then again, he said he thought I might be gay, sense I don't have as much of an interest in girls as 'normal' guys have. So, it could be grasping at straws. I was told that he was going to tell his wife, my stepmom, (I'd really rather people know then talk behind my back) a few days ago, which I know he didn't 'get around to' because when I last talked to him, he didn't tell her, but if he thinks I am asexual, why the need to tell her? It will seriously screw up her world, she is the daughter of a preacher, and at one time had stated that she believes AIDS was put on this earth by God to kill all gay people (yeah....) so that will be interesting.... and I am glad he is telling her, not me.

Roland, I rant to you guys, that's good enough.

I did get an odd question (to me at least) that shows the mentality of the family, and that was "Why do you care so much" in response to the gay marriage thing happening here in NJ. It basically states that we are entitled to equal rights, but not necessarily with the label 'marriage' and I commented on the fact that the label 'marriage' isn't important, and the core is equality. All I could really say, is, 'Well, sense I am gay, and plan on being in a committed relationship, I would want rights equal to the married couples, say if my partner got into an accident, sense I am not family, I would not be able to see them, without the special papers I certainly am not going to have on me at all times, lf we have the same rights as married couples have it would be no problem, its a simple, human right. I don't care what they are called, and I don't understand why they are fussing over the label.

Thank you guys so much! You are such a great help!

John

 

[Roland00]

Wow, again, thanks! I have decided not to go, and the people around me are a bit disappointed, but whatever. I have also started to grow into my religious self. I have not labeled myself with a religion yet, and 'they' don't like that... giving me books on Christian forgiveness, and my sister ordered a book for me on homosexuality and Christianity, even though I had told her it was a waste of money. Most all of them are 'worried' that I denied the Christian label... but they themselves don't believe the teachings of the Christian religion, and claimed I was reading out of the 'wrong bible' when I told them about the scriptures about slavery, selling your daughter as a slave, stoning your disobedient children, and pointing out the biblical contradictions, but were speechless when I showed it to them, offering only an 'oh... well...... we don't believe in that part" lol

Sounds like you have a "thinker" personality while your family is mostly a personality that deals with traditon and thinking with "group think." You aren't going to have much help trying to explain to them rationality to abandon their fears. They are probally very much "reactionary" people, and the only way to really reach them is to have them face their fears and realize they were off base Of course they won't appologize later when they realize they were wrong that they were assholes, but you can't change your family

I think you guys are giving me to much cedit, or I am giving my family to much credit. I think the reason why the 'news' spread so fast, is because they all kind of knew, but were worried that I was because the gay 'life' is hard, and all they hear about is the people beating gay guys up, and AIDS, that kind of stuff. That coupled with the fact they haven't seen me with ANY girls, or guys for that matter confused them, and is why I think my father, who does work in the medical field, thought it was misplaced asexuality. But then again, he said he thought I might be gay, sense I don't have as much of an interest in girls as 'normal' guys have. So, it could be grasping at straws. I was told that he was going to tell his wife, my stepmom, (I'd really rather people know then talk behind my back) a few days ago, which I know he didn't 'get around to' because when I last talked to him, he didn't tell her, but if he thinks I am asexual, why the need to tell her? It will seriously screw up her world, she is the daughter of a preacher, and at one time had stated that she believes AIDS was put on this earth by God to kill all gay people (yeah....) so that will be interesting.... and I am glad he is telling her, not me.

Lol similar to my family. Ironically it was my mother the "quiet" one about her religon that kicked me out of the house, but the very religous step mom(grew up baptist, now not neccessary baptist but evangelical) has done nothing officially

Roland, I rant to you guys, that's good enough.

I understand but you will be suprised of how much shit you are putting up with that most people don't. Having a trained professional agree with you (instead of random strangers) sort of reinforces that bit for some people who are naturally humble and thus get walked all over.

Not saying you need it, just that some people do

I did get an odd question (to me at least) that shows the mentality of the family, and that was "Why do you care so much" in response to the gay marriage thing happening here in NJ. It basically states that we are entitled to equal rights, but not necessarily with the label 'marriage' and I commented on the fact that the label 'marriage' isn't important, and the core is equality. All I could really say, is, 'Well, sense I am gay, and plan on being in a committed relationship, I would want rights equal to the married couples, say if my partner got into an accident, sense I am not family, I would not be able to see them, without the special papers I certainly am not going to have on me at all times, lf we have the same rights as married couples have it would be no problem, its a simple, human right. I don't care what they are called, and I don't understand why they are fussing over the label.

Thank you guys so much! You are such a great help!

John

I understand and I was energized by the decision Sure some people may complain it isn't called "marriage," but I don't care. In my mind, which may have to do with my upbringing, a state can never perform a real marriage, just a civil union between two people. Let the churches decide if they will recongize it as a marriage, for I can give a rats ass what they think.


Well I am glad that you are having an upswing John, I forsee it will be a permanment one

 

[Riverrick]

snkman, I've just finished reading your thread and I'm amazed by the progress you have made in such a short time. The fact that you are able to do this while living at home amongst the disbelievers is really something.

The more you read and the more gay people you meet, the more you will understand how your mind has been fucked with all of these years and why it has been so difficult to answer their questions right now. I felt very resentful for being lied to for a long time after coming out.

I remember going to my first large gay dance bar when I was in my mid 20's. I went to Chicago with a gay friend for a weekend and we found a popular place and went in. It was my first experience in a bar with guys my own age and this place was packed. And to my astonishment, they looked like all of the guys I had been oogling in high school and college; just normal, cute, average guys. I even danced with one of them and talked to him afterwards. He talked about breaking up with his boyfriend like it was normal to even have one.

And when I left, I kept shaking my head saying, "They lied to me all of these years!" They said that I would be sick and queer if I were a homosexual. They said that homosexuals all wanted to be women and dressed and acted like women. They said that homosexuals were just older guys that preyed on young boys. And so I didn't come out for many years because I thought there was nothing out there for me, no one like me, and no one I could fall in love with.

It was at that moment that I realized how fucked over I had been and how little my own happiness meant to these people. So I picked up the pieces of my life and moved forward, no longer seeking anyone's approval.

So hang in there. Your world and your life is coming into focus. Better days lie ahead!