Quite a situation

[mcdaddy]

Ok, so here's the story.
I'm not really sure when I started to figure out I was gay. I just thought it was something I'd get over. I kept setting deadlines for me to get over this...problem. In retrospect, this was stupid. I did retarded stuff like gave it up for lent. Anyway....I had many girlfriends along the way, hoping again and again that I'd snap out of it. I set a final deadline of, when I kiss a girl, that'd be when my body would say, "what have you been doing? this is what you want!" So I went to college and, sure enough, ended up with a girlfriend. I kissed her and, shortly afterward, she dumped me. Aparently I wasn't sexual enough for her. Go figure. Anyway, I then got a second girlfriend. I made out with her. A lot. I kept hoping it would change. So we're making out one day and she realizes that I'm not...physically...reacting to her? She hops up and thinks it's her. For whatever reason I blurt out that it's not her, it's me. I promise. I blurt out that I'm gay. She gets upset, but then ends up helping me out through the rest of the year. Anyway...I end up telling all of my friends at college, one way or another. Far too many of them I ended up telling while I was shitfaced, but that's beside the point. My good friends ended up matchmaking me with this guy. He's really nice, cute, and really funny. Only problem is that I'm still infatuated with a guy I can't have. He's a brother of mine in a frat I'm in. He's gay, too, but I don't want to breech that barrier, you know? So that's problem number one: I'm hooking up with one guy, but I'm still lusting after this other guy. The guy I'm hooking up with is really cute, nice, funny, etc. UG! What to do?

Ok, so now I'm back home. None of my friends know back here. It's kinda harder since we used to hang out and "cruise for chicks." Aside from them, my greater challange is going to be telling my parents. Here's where the story gets interesting.

My mom got wasted recently and asked me why I never go out with any girls. I dodge the question but she persists. She pretty much tries to out me and says "I'm only going to ask this question once..." I set her down because she's unsteady at this point and I run up to my room. My dad takes care of my mom. I go out for the night. The next morning, I'm relieved to hear that my mom blacked out earlier in the evening and she doesn't mention anything about that. But I know she must have thought it since she said it when drunk. She keeps trying to get me to go out with some girl. Every girl she sees she suggests I go out with. I just continue to sidestep. I need to tell my parents. Especially since I'm seeing this guy...kinda. I told my sister, but her reaction was actually the worst I've recieved thus far. She asked me if I was sure, then told me that I couldn't be sure til I made out with a guy. Btw...I have since made out with a guy. Damn sure now. Anyway, I'm nervous and I'm kinda frustrated. I can't figure out how to bring it up. Ugh...I just wish it was over....

 

[Bloke1964]

Obviously she wants to know...so if I was in your shoes I would tell her.

 

[G-Lexington]

You have two options.

One - don't tell her. Keep dodging the questions, keep finding reasons why you won't go out with the girls she keeps picking for you, and keep dreading what will happen when they finally find out.

Two - tell her. Will this solve your problems? No. It'll merely swap them out for new ones. (I told my friend last night, "All you can ask in life is that your problems change. Because they'll never go away.") Your parents might give you grief about it. Or they may annoy you by trying to hook you up with gay men. But you won't have to deal with the "great unknown" anymore.

It's up to you.

I would certainly talk to your mother about her matchmaking. Tell her you appreciate what she's trying to do, but you think you've got a better grasp on what you're looking for in a mate, and so you'd rather pick one out on your own.

Lex

 

[Blueboy369]

Tell your mom that you're still trying to figure things out and your not sure one way or the other but that you hope she will love and support you no matter what.

Tell your frat brother that you have a problem. you've developed a school girl crush on him and you're so distracted (while laughing). Then say 'why do you have to be so damn cute". Act like you were half kidding and see wat he says.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi mcdaddy and welcome to JUB!

Your mother probably knows. In fact, I'd say it's a near-certainty and is the elephant in the living room in your relationship with her. It'd probably be best to clear the air and get it out in the open. But, each must do this in his own time and you should wait until you're ready to have this conversation.

As for the frat house and other guy...only you can guide this one. Do, though, think of the other guy you're hooking up with. It's hardly fair to him to start liking you when you're distracted with someone else. If you really like the frat house guy more, then pursue it and get closure on it (either you're accepted by him, or rejected by him). Bring that to a close and THEN move on if you need to. Otherwise, you're heading down a very slippery slope and I would almost bet that you and others are going to get burned/hurt.

Good luck and, again, welcome!

 

[mcdaddy]

hey,
thanks for the input, guys. i definately need to do something about both the relationship issue and the parents issue.

concerning the relationship thing, i pretty much have to squelch the attraction I have for the frat guy. not only do i think that having a relationship with him would be bad for the frat, but also, it's pretty obvious he's not into me. ontop of that, he is into my big brother in the frat. my big, having similar feelings about dating within the frat, doesn't want to pursue this. i know i just have to get him out of my head. but if you had seen this guy, you would know why this is hard to do. furthermore, at his 21st birthday, i was in the room when he was going to bed and got down to his underwear. this mental image is ingrained in my mind. i start shaking just thinking about it. i've got to get him out of my head.
about the guy i'm kinda seeing, there is a bit of a problem beyond just the fact that i'm infatuated with another guy. he's also way more sexual than i am. he's older and has had some experience, whereas i'm just coming out of the closet, so i'm still a virgin. i'm trying to figure out what i think about sex. right now, i think i want to wait until i'm in love. i know that sounds really corny and sappy, but it's true. i want to fall in love. badly. the problem is, however, this guy is really sexual. we talk about sex...a lot. what are the social standards with sex in the gay community, by the way? i know what they are in the staight community, but what are they here? anyway, i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing with this guy. i think i'm ok right now because there is no commitment. in complete seriousness, i met him a week before i left college. he gave me his number. i drunk dialed it and told him we needed to hook up when i was sober. we started hanging out. on the last night i was there, we watched cruel intentions and made out. i ended up spending the night there, spooning. we talk a lot on the phone, etc. am i leading him on? i don't really know how i feel right now. i really like his company and he is pretty cute... it's just that my mind is on this other guy...blah.

by the way, i just wanted to say that i really appreciate that i have somewhere to go where i can vent and talk to people openly. it allows me to have somewhere to go to think through some of this stuff and get other people's take on it. thanks so much.

as for the parents situation, i'd like to know. what did you guys do? how did it go? did you do one at a time or both at the same time? i'm thinking i'm going to wait a bit so i don't ruin father's day. "hey dad! happy father's day! by the way, i'm gay. have some cake!"

thanks for your help, guys. it means a lot to me.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Mcdaddy,

Welcome to JUB mate!!!!! Its great to have you aboard!!! It is a pretty special place... and all of us can relate to you and most of us at some stage or another have been in a similar situation to you.... trust me! Your path of discovery and your experiences with girls...

Mate, I'm glad that you're learning who you are, what you like and whats important to you. You've started a journey that will let the real complete you shine, one that will soon enough show people how incredible you are, how open and honest you are, and how you can trust and love so deeply. Its one that can take a little time, its one to take at your own pace.

McDaddy, coming out to your family is an important thing to do... not only for them, but mainly for you. Right now you are leading a double life...and it doesn't really sound like you from what you've written in your posts. You have a great moral compass and you know the importance in not lying to those who are important to you.

You're probably right in suspecting your mum knows... and that should make it a little easier for her. Its eating away at her right now... and by default because you know that its making you uncomfortable as well. Chances are she has confided her questions in your Dad too.

There will never be a perfect time to do this... there will never be a time thats going to seem just right. Just choose a quiet time where you wont be interrupted and that you can talk to both your parents... where you can explain, be calm and to try and help them understand. You know that you are still you... you know that this is who you have been all the time... you still have the same values and morals and sense of humor and ability to love and be the son they know. But they don't. They will wonder what changes this means, whether or not you are still the same guy, whether or not you are safe or scared.

Their concerns will be for you - your happiness and your well being. They will be scared and their reactions could vary... but with time and a little talk and reassurance you will be able to start your new life. You wont ruin fathers day - the trust and honesty and faith and respect you show your parents in telling them this can be a pretty special gift.

The life of freedom and happiness. The one where you get to make choices and decisions that affect your happiness without fear or rejection.

As to your dorm friends...mate ask yourself this. Am I treating my guy right? Am I treating him with respect...would I want to be treated this way...as second best???

Mate - you cant help who you love. You cant help who you desire or who you fantasize over. But you can decide as to how you treat people and whether or not you hurt them. And I know that from reading your posts you are not the sort of guy to want to do either.

If you cant fully commit to your guy, if you cant focus all your energy and attention on him... then its time to think seriously about where you go from here with him. Its nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed about... you cant help your heart. But don't let your convenience be an excuse to treat someone else badly....its just not you.

Mcdaddy, you're a smart guy... and you've got a great head on your shoulders. Have faith in yourself, trust your judgment and your beliefs. Live your life openly and honestly and treat others with the respect that you have up until now and you wont go wrong. I know that things will work out for you - just beleive in how others see you and how much they value you....because they do.

 

[rareboy]

Just wait till mom is in the bag and then tell her. She may or may not remember.

As for the rest, remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[thermodynamics]

he's older and has had some experience, whereas i'm just coming out of the closet, so i'm still a virgin. i'm trying to figure out what i think about sex. right now, i think i want to wait until i'm in love. i know that sounds really corny and sappy, but it's true. i want to fall in love. badly. the problem is, however, this guy is really sexual. we talk about sex...a lot. what are the social standards with sex in the gay community, by the way?

There are plenty of us waiting for our First Time to be with a guy we really love. You're in good company--I'm in there myself. It's not "corny" at all.

 

[Soilwork]

sounds to me like you can be - like a lot of gay guys - your own worst enemy.

A lot of gay men (and to be fair.. straight people, but I'm not talking about them right now) have this really bad habbit of only going for men they can't have. They get fixated on guys who are out of their reach for one or more reasons and pass over a lot of great guys in the process. Love is, after all, about more than abs and pecs.

As far as your mom goes... Sounds like in her own rather tragic way, she's trying to reach out to you. She's going about it the wrong way, of course, but the effort is there.

What are so worried about?

 

[luminum]

The way I've heard it, even gay frats make vows not to date within the frat. So I would recommend that you not breach the barrier of your frat brother not because he's a freind or something, but because he's a frat brother.

The other guys seems like a total package, not just eye candy.

But the way it appears is that even if you weren't with the other guy, you'd never bag the frat brother. So what you've got here is a nice, cute, funny guy who just isn't doing it for you...you think. I'd give the nice guy some time and really focus on what you have. If in the end you find that you're still not finding anything unique to him that makes you want to stay involved with him, then it means that you're just not right for one another. If that's the case, then move on and look for someone who's so good all around that you're not always thinking about your frat brother while you're with him.

 

[mcdaddy]

Hey guys,
Thanks for all the input. Being able to see my situation from another perspective has been really helpful.

Concerning my parents, I've decided I'm going to tell them pretty soon. Next time we are sitting together at the dinner table, I'll just calmly tell them that I've been meaning to tell them for a long time, but I'm gay. I think I'll leave the tidbit about the guy I'm hooking up with out at this point in time.

As for what I'm going to do with the relationship thing, luminum is right. I wouldn't go out with the frat brother anyway, simply because he's in the frat. I've been thinking about it and the non-frat guy and I don't really have any commitment to each other right now. We just made out once, spooned, and talk on the phone often. I think I'm jumping the gun here being concerned with how I feel about him. It doesn't really matter at this point in time. I think. Thoughts?

Also, if you guys would care to share your coming out stories, they'd be greatly appreciated...