I drive on highways, I escort old ladies to their cars, I walk sensitive elder widows to caskets (not necessarily of their husband/wife, but of anyone in case they should need someone there), I get up early, sometimes with little sleep, I stay up late if I need to, I walk in the cold, rain, ice, wind, whatever, go to work, even if I don't feel 100%, go to school under the same conditions, push myself when I don't feel well, push myself if working to extend my limits, push myself when I work out or run or excercise or study or test, debating, using logic, reasoning, emotion, making tough decisions, doing "calculated risks"...sometimes outright risks, thinking for myself, examining my thoughts, offering advice when it's asked of me, being there for people at weddings, and funerals, driving long distances to do these and other things, including visiting friends and friend/cousins...I do all kinds of things that, as a kid, I used as the measure of being an adult.
...but I'm not a grown-up. The very idea is repulsive to me, and not just because I consider it "old age". There's a lot more to it than that, like the hypocracy and misplaced pride of knowledge and wisdom when they are scarcely and seldomly present. I keep catching myself thinking I'm old (but still not a grown-up), but also times when I still feel like a confused and ill equiped teen. I still play video games and watch cartoons, although more Adult Swim than Buggs Bunny. I can watch more adult shows (Law and Order, CSI, ect), but I also still get distracted when I'm bored. I can manage my time well, but also can get into doing something fun and forget about what was important if I don't get the latter done first. I cook my food on stovetop and oven, yet I still don't know many dishes or cook with grease. I can dicipline myself to eat healthy and work out, but sometimes succum to candy and cokes and drivethrough on weekend trips or pizza on occasion.
It's like, I'm living in a weird state, part child and part adult, yet neither. But...that's supposed to be how one feels 14-16, not 23. But then, on the other hand, I always have been slow, I guess.
What freightens me most, is growing up, aging, and becoming complacient and weak, my health slipping, my tummy expanding, my hair fading (or worse! Falling out!), and a slow march into weakness and old age before a final, pointless, uneventful, anti-climactic death. Death alone I've no fear of, to die now wouldn't so much bother me. To die for a purpose wouldn't either. An interesting quote, from Ghost in the Shell spoken by the Major, "The sign of an immature man is that he wishes to die for a cause. The sign of a mature man is that he is willing to humbly live for a cause." By that statement, which is true enough, I believe, I'm an immature man...though in general I'm a somewhat mature fellow. Or maybe that's just an illusion, created by my conservative, quiet, and contemplative nature.
In any case...maybe life holds things for me that I cannot yet see. I suppose there are worse deaths than to die as a grandfather (a greatuncle of mine died very reciently, and my grandmother last month...), but now, still on the upslope to the peek and pinacle of my life, such an end seems somehow...I dunno, empty in a way. True, you have your family and future generations to show for it...but...
...I dunno. I guess I think too much. Still...it bothers me, yet I can't do anything about it either way. If I was a differnt kind of fellow, I'd just dismiss it, let it go at that...but I'm not a different kind of fellow. -smirk- I will engague things with ferocity and courage, even to my death if I feel a great enough need. I don't know what the future will hold for me, but...well, maybe I'll be able to make it a good one.
...and maybe I'll be one of those lucky guys who's still in good health when he goes, at any age. ^_^ Though...it would be cool to fight as a hero and still live through it. To do something good and great and heroic and THEN live the boring life of work and family and aging and finaly an honorable and dignified death, having spent all that time of "boring life" fighting no less couragously for a cause I felt was good and just and right. Maybe...maybe that kind of a life I could go for. That kind of death...doesn't seem so bad...
...but I'm still soooo lacking in wisdom and understanding...but at least I have heart. Wisdom you can gain, understanding you can learn, but heart is something you either have or you don't, compassion AND courage...so though I don't have all the provisions I feel I need and am still illequipped for the challenges that lay before me, I do have the bare necessities I need to push forward until I can get a hold of that which I lack...
